current music:

Mulieris invites you to "HIGH HEELS AND MINISKIRTS: (FASHION. PERCEPTION. POLITICS.)" Sept 6 (Mon) 430-6 pm at SEC LEC 3. Come and share your opinion about this controversial issue with us.

Ayan. From Rache. Punta kayo. I wanna be there, ya know. :)

Now that's out of the way.

-----------------

I'm NOT posting what I've just written for once. Why? Because it's a gift for somebody. You'll see. No wait. Better not.

Meantime, I'm wondering wher my brother's gone off to. It's 9 PM, and I'm watching One Tree Hill. My brother had the car, and his class ends at 4:30. He's not at home. Nang-gimik kaya?

Today I got 55/70 in my Theology long exam. A first, because for once, the Theo test wasn't "rated" in the 1-4 scale. Now, I had to finally use the long-lost Math skills to do some work. Haay.

One Tree Hill is so much fun. :)

---------------

If you were there for everyone who needed you, but nobody was there when you needed them, what does that make you?

current music: Confessions part 2 - Usher

Ateneans are arrogant. Yes. I've heard that literally thousands of times before.

I, however, believe it's not all about the arrogance that people hate.

What really, really disturbs them, in my little opinion, is that they're disturbed by the challege we pose to everyone else:

Love your school. Be proud of your roots.

Everybody needs to learn this little adage. Especially here in the Philippines.

Heck, even I need to learn this thing. I'm still not happy with high school. :p ehehehe

In any case, I'm elated that we won today in grand fashion.

McDonald's Katipunan has suddenly become one of my favorite places on the planet.

Today, at the summons of "Prime Minister" Debbi Baybay, I drove to Katipunan with Christine to go to McDo. There was supposed to be an "LnK thing" that day. So fine. I dropped her off when we saw Big Pao, I drove back to Ateneo and parked there for free, then I walked back. Upon arrival, I note there were only 4 of them: Chimoms, Perry, Big Pao, RaPao... Yun lang! Waah.

So fine. We chill. At one point, I realize I left my phone in the car, and hike back across Katipunan to retrieve it. I did note Missy lounging at the Shakey's smoking area with friends, and exchanged greetings.

Carla, Kat, Honeypie and Chreesy catch up with us. The stories continue. Apparently, something happened the day before that Carla wasn't quite telling me. Must ask Sanndra. Okay, good that she's learning the finer points of being "secret-keeper". Yey.

As they left, it was down to me, RaPao and Chimoms, sharing stories over McDonald's French fries and apple pie. Sharing stories about high school memories. Wehehehe. It's something, considering that these two are now high school seniors and the "seniors' syndrome" has probably started kicking in.

More notable faces emerge: best friend James and his girlfriend Hannah pop themselves on the table nearby, and at this point, I start to dominate the discussions, in a sort of Jay Leno/David Letterman type way. And I must say, it's really fun! Especially since James had his own share of, erm, "ammunition" to play with when we were sort of exchanging funny anecdotes on each other.

Probably the main reason he's my best friend: we can chat so openly with each other, in front of everybody else, and not care what others think, and I mean, really not care. I was already cracking jokes in a voice loud enough for more than half the restaurant to hear, and we were just having a good laugh. And to top it off: it was me doing most of the "slinging"; he hardly ever brought up anything "damaging" to me, but I was the one who called up the old "James looks like Tarzan" joke again.

I'd go on rattle more people I saw there, but it'd be needless name-dropping. Haha.

The evening closed out with Chimoms and me playing FIFA, and then catching up with brother Roel at KFC with donuts. Wehehehe. A good day all in all.

Oh yeah, somebody remind me that my advisement is at September 17, 8:30.

And please pray for my brother. He wants to join MTV Supahstar. Wow.

Kung sino man diyan gustong maging participant sa Days, kindly tell me ASAP. :) And I know there are those who read this blog and want to be participants. :)

Meeting kasi bukas. Of course I'll be there. That is, unless something big comes up again, which is unlikely.

==============

Guess what? Nagkapasok na rin!

Which stinks, because I stood up last night with a splitting headache. I think it's because of my eyes. It's been around a year and three months since I lost my glasses, and we haven't had them replaced. I take it's a first in another long run of migranes.

And this keyboard at RSF is giving me migranes. Arrrgh! I want to smash it to the ground so the keys will work right!!!

Anyway, I should only feel so lucky. At least it's not raining and it's not gonna make me sick or anything anymore. I'm also starting to miss some of my pretty classmatesand I suppose class is a good way to get back in the groove of things. I already felt some positive effects of walking around campus again, and I got to stretch my atrophied legs. If the sun wasn't out, I might even have broken into a jog. Hehe. It's a good day so far. Not a lot of work, just enough.

Will drive my brother home later. I also have to talk to my folks who haven't given me allowance (due to the rain, one more reason it's good there's school).

==============

Later tonight, it's an "LnK Thing" they summoned us to. McDo Katips as usual. Hmm. May be worth a shot looking into. Pero ewan. Sinabi lang sa akin ni Carla noong Tuesday, and baka late daw siya. Looks like I better save up my money so I could chill later; no more Starbucks coffee binges for me. Hehe.

Come to think of it, there was one day na sobra akong nagutom at ngarag kasi flat broke ako: Last Monday when I had to spend cash to finish a project! And it wouldn't have happened if I didn't spend for Starbucks coffee. Grrr...

And I wouldn't have had to spend if that gift certificate didn't get stolen/lost. Oh well.

===============

4 Mel: I'm really sorry. I can't make it to Ria C.'s despedida. Not only is it late, your place is *kinda* far from my house. :( Please send her my warmest, most heartfelt regards. (Oo, love ko mga co-fellows ko, pero mahirap na 'to mhen.)

current music: wala

Which is what I don't like about the fact that the Internet access has moved from the den (my adopted room) into Mom and Dad's room here. Sure, the fact that viruses have plagued the one downstairs has something to do with it, but still. It just darn stinks that I can no longer play music when I type, since Mom deleted them all from this PC. I also can't find my Sugarfree CD. Drat drat drat.

But I am grateful that:
1.) my *new* fave football team, Arsenal, have been undefeated for a record 43 straight games. Yey!
2.) No classes again today and all my deadlines are done (save 2 papers due next month.) Wheee!

Now for not-so-nice stuff. It's days like this when I find myself eating and sitting around too much. Crap. As if eating and sitting around were things I've not had enough of in my lifetime. It's days like these I remmber Neruda's "Walking Around", and I feel myself becoming a root buried in the wet ground more and more.

My head hurts, and so does my torso. I'm losing certainty why my stomach hurts, whether I've overeaten, or am thirsty, or need to puke. I can't lie down to sleep, as I find my bed too uninviting: I've spent a grand total of 12 hours asleep last nigt. Yep. No joke.

And it's too rainy to get out and play basketball. And I've acquired a distaste for jogging.

Maybe if I had an iPod, I'd really learn to like hitting the road and running. Yeah. The lack of music is my main gripe. That, and the chaos it wreaks on my already battered feet. But yeah. Sounds are all that's keeping me.

I now have mixed feeling on whether or not I want to have classes tomorrow. It is, after all, a Friday, and that means I have to drive for my brother. It also means Lighthouse day. A bad thing and a good thing. Hmm.

Maybe I ought to stop musing about tomorrow, and actually prepare for it by reading and charging my phone. Bahala na si Batman sa advisement at ulan.

current music: Jazzy Monday - Artstrong on MTV

My LJ is down, so I'm doing my first post of the day here for a change.

Anybody know the movie "The New Guy"? I watched that on HBO last night. I rediscovered how much I loved that film and how I'm challenged to do good like the main hero did. Hehehe.

Yes, yes. I did not go to school today in spite of there being classes. Primary reason was because the heavy rains and resultant traffic deterred Dad, Roel and myself from getting to school. It was reminiscent of the afternoon Julian and I got lost looking for a shortcut amid the rain and the traffic. Back then, Katipunan road turned into a veritable parking lot. Today was no different.

I wonder what they did in class...

--------------

Meantime, I'm chilling at home. Dad offered me to go to the gym for a while, but I declined. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm watching MTV and Entertainment Tonight here to chill my head.

Darn. Sarah Meier is so cute. Hehe. But then again, I'm half-wishing I get to catch Bellefire on TV again. Those girls are hot too.

---------------

Speaking of girls, I found a long-lost notebook of poems from way back in high school. Therein, I found somebody's telephone number I had thought I lost.

Yes, if you've been following my posts regularly, you'd know she's a major influence in my poetry. I don't know if my time in Heights and the Heights Workshop has purged that influence and I'm unsure whether or not that's important.

There are memories that keep coming back. With them comes attached a sense of foreboding.
After all, the nature of our friendship was that of listening to her problems with me worrying my heart out for her. A prelude to my current "girls' emotional punching bag" profession, if you will.

The quickest way you can make me give a rat's ass about you is to make me worry about you. The more sleep I lose thinking about you, the more I learn to care. It so happened that this little angel was all that (think "scary, at times pessimisstic thoughts running through her head" ). Not only was there this emotional attachment, I found it amazing that she was smart, sweet and really pretty (for a poet hehehe). After all, I knew many in the high school student body had the hots for her, and it didn't hurt she helped me write, either.

To think that many things I presently am can offshoot from things she's told me would be melodramatic. I'll just say she's an influence, a very powerful one at that.

I still care about her, and I miss her dearly, but am unwilling to make any calls to her house anytime soon. Why? It's complicated. There's a question in Tagalog I hate, hate hearing but it's what I have to ask now: "Ano ba gusto kong mangyari?" What do I want to happen with calling her? Get back in touch? I may care profoundly about her, but I'm not what she needs.

Besides, I often find there's litte good in repairing a broken past when there's a hope for the future right in front of me. There's Days, there's my (hopeful) literary career, there's a shot at taking my MA abroad, there's my family, there's Kuya Jess, there's my friends and so many blessings.

-----------------

Speaking of which, I'm writing something for a very dear friend (also unbelievably blessed) , hopefully to be finished by next week.

Won't elaborate further, because I never know. I won't post that poem until further notice.

Dad's Violin (version 2)

The stern brown leather started to peel
from the heavy, wrinkling violin case.
The latches rusted, and sqeaked
at my prying fingers.

Dad seldom brought it out anymore,
and did so only on special occasions:
his friends entreating his pleasure for playing,
my kid brother's birthday bash

or Mom's much-missed anniversary.
Any other day, he'd be away, locked
inside the master's bedroom,
asleep in lazy afternoons.

To this day, a tinny, tiny squeal
escapes the violin when I thumb
my frustrated fingers in attempting to play,
regressing myself to a nine-year-old, frustrated me

(who found it much more pleasureable to watch TV,
play video games, or read books
instead of practicing and inevitably
facing Dad's scorn for my scorn for discipline).

Days like these I'd wake the violin from its green bed
and I'd see them: cracks from when Dad
gashed it on the grouchy ground,
disgruntled at his own father's trite tutelage.

There are bruises in the brown, oft-cheerful face,
scratches at its shoulders, scars where there was tape
to mark the places I also placed my once-darkening digits,
memorizing them with practiced misery I could ill-afford.

He'd play the violin once in a weary blue-moon weekday,
and I'd hear: the low, bassy notes, a husky voice
whispering. Dad would be right by himself, dancing secret steps
I'd never understand nor inherit.

I'd hear, until Dad's song inevitably
reaches its long, continuing, solitary note,
and then a final rest, before the silence
to be played on an unmoving heart-line.

current music: jazz played in the cafe

Somehow, I think gremlins are jinxing my days. I watch the game and scream myself hoarse while Ateneo gets bullied by La Salle, somebody uses up all the Nesquick at home (well, most of it really), I've got a project due today that I'm too lazy to start, I watch Team USA get punked by a bleach-haired shooter from Lithuania, I get left behind by my brother when he left for school, I lost my 100 peso Starbucks gift certificate my grandmother gave me, and my computer is STILL broken.

Galing no?

And somehow, I'm not too hot on appearing in that class. Kaklase ko pa man din si Chris Tiu. (and we all know what happened to him and how he missed the critical go-ahead open lay-up. hehehehe.)

And yet... I dunno. I'm not that angry.

No, I'm still livid at the Lasallites who went on to chant their "Burn Ateneans, Burn!" song when they won. (buti na lang wala akong shotgun.). No, I'm pissed off at my slave-driver for a teacher, and for the corporation who sent that virus to plague my computer. I'm angry at that, but not as heavily as I think I should be.

And I think it's because I stood up late last night watching the football (or soccer to you other heathens) match between Arseneal and Middlesbrough. My *new* favorite team in all of football, Arseneal clumped them 5-3!

And it was the most amazing display I ever did see! Imagine! A team coming back from 3-1 down to win it 5-3! Amazing!

Leaning on my bed at 2 AM this morning, I realized that the teams I really love watching are the ones like that: running purely on hustle and heart. Puso. Todo-bigay lang talaga. And it's because it inspires me to do the same. "Superior force" teams like the Lakers, FEU, et al are fun to watch sometimes, but can never get me into their game like an Ateneo, or Arseneal, for that matter..

But no, as much as I love football, and as much as it made my puyat morning worthwhile, banas pa rin panoorin matalo ang ADMU.

Cool yung "Drumline" routine ng Babble though! (sorry for the people at home. di ata pinakita.)

Edit: I'm still proud of my team. Imagine! Down by 30 points, and then hinabol mo yung lead to single digits? And considering most of our misses were shots that rattled out of the hoop, moral victory talaga 'to. I'm proud of them, as much as I'm positive there's an Archer fan there who felt deathly scared of that run.

current music: Aubrey - Bread


I'm in my favorite eaternet cafe next to Blueskies, and I'm trying to get the footprint details for Science 10. I've got all day and all morning tomorrow to finish something my teacher traditionally said takes one month. Slave-driving bitch.

I don't think it's THAT hard. My guess it's that people are lazy. hehe. But I know I'll have a tough time since the PC at home can't access the net.

I've not checked the error logs, but I have a BAD FEELING my DSL connection got hijacked by some virus. I used the Command Prompt, and typed "ping www.iasc.com", and voila. Ping request not processed.

So either somebody hacked us, or I've got to reinstall the DSL software. I'm praying it's just the latter, because that'll keep my network safe.
Please, Jess. help.

-------------

In other news, LnK meeting kanina. We discussed the summer that was. It was a real nostalgia trip for me, although everybody took it quite more seriously. Wahaha. Haay.

Kasabay ng Days batch A26 yung LnK get-together. Waaah. Malas.

At medyo, medyo lang ako na-OP noong nagkwekwentuhan mga kaibigan ko.
But fine, fine. I'm happy enough to see them.

Oh by the way, kinuha na ni Sannds yung 2 pang tickets para sa game bukas. Tish got 2 more, so that means the last one's mine. hehehe.

-------------

Yesterday, Heights Open Mic poetry reading. It was a personal first for me to read my own work. I was so embarrassed! Buti na lang wala pa sina Ma'am Beni or Sir Larry or Sir John there. Pero andun si Sir Yapan. Wehehehe. You can't win 'em all...

Cool yung binasa ni Sir Egay. Rakstar. Saka yung poem ni Louise, cool siya. The last girl who read (I forgot her name), may binasang poem na not-so-good pero na-gets ko pa rin at matino naman yung gustong sabihin. Sayang hindi raw sa kanya yun, kundi sa ex nya, so di nya pwedeng i-edit. Tsk. hehe

My kid brother also played there. He got some rave reviews for his music! *clap clap* Thing is, he was rude to the people when he was done. Boo.

We spoke to him earlier. He said he was disappointed with his performance. Hmmm. I understand, considering I myself aim for perfection to an almost anal-retentive level. But Roel shouldn't have gotten that upset.

Tsk.

current music: wala ngayon.

First things first: I have 5 General Admission tickets to the Ateneo - La Salle game on Sunday. Any takers? Please text me ASAP. :)

Thing is, it falls on the same day as Ninong Mon's anniversary dinner at Sweet Inspirations. Pinayagan ako agad ni Dad manood, but that right away disqualifies me from bringing family along with the game. And I was hoping I could get my brother to give them away. Grrrr.

Anyone? LnK? A-Days? :D

Meantime, my computer at home is having hiccups. Ninang Clar got me a Norton Antivirus program download (which she paid for with her credit card). It took us a while to get it started, particularly because the installation file has a strange habit of shutting off by itself. Maybe it was the virus. Ewan.

In the end, it ran a pre-install virus scan...sort of check for viruses before it started unpacking. It found 3 infected files in my system that it deleted post-haste.

Now, the new problems:
1.) the thing STILL shuts off on its own, and doesn't want to install.
2.) now ALL MY INTERNET UTILITIES AT HOME DON'T WORK. : (

Hence, I am typing from the CTC Lab chatting with Ninang about the problem.

Haay. :(

current music: Kandila - Sugarfree

To you, my readers, dearest of all my friends, kindly take Plath's poem below, take the characters and switch the genders. Then you'll see what's happening to me these days. Hehehe.

Mad Girl's Love Song
Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

current music: the one and only Il Postino OST

Leaning Into the Afternoons
by Pablo Neruda
Translated by W.S. Merwin

Leaning into the afternoons,
I cast my sad nets towards your oceanic eyes.
There, in the highest blaze my solitude lengthens and flames;
Its arms turning like a drowning man's.
I send out red signals across your absent eyes
That wave like the sea, or the beach by a lighthouse.
You keep only darkness my distant female;
From your regard sometimes, the coast of dread emerges.

Leaning into the afternoons,
I fling my sad nets to that sea that is thrashed
By your oceanic eyes.
The birds of night peck at the first stars
That flash like my soul when I love you.
The night, gallops on its shadowy mare
Shedding blue tassels over the land.

current music: Sugarfree's Dramachine! :D (Love ko ang "Tulog Na")

I was trying to write something on my blog, but i couldn't. Too many interruptions and my posts kept getting eaten. Grr.

It was something about me going on a Yahoo Messenger frenzy. Hehehe! :) I got to chat with Ailyn, Julian and Rap all at once. It went on to the little hours of the morning when my mom told me to sleep. Nice nice. Ninamnam ko yung oras, kwentuhan tuluy-tuloy.
And people know I usually go Invisible on YM, so me going out of my way to chat isn't exactly being in character for me. :p

All the while I was catching up with Ai, I also went on with some "harmless Friendster stalking". hehehe. Sort of while reliving some old memories (some about, um, "Certain people") I'd go "O, si ito, we've not talked in a while, pero balita ko, blah blah blah." Syempre naman para medyo up-to-date kahit paano.

Especially when it came to the ones I've not heard from in a long, long time. And they know who they are.

----------------
I had a real cool day. I got to watch A Midsummer Night's Dream! :D Everyone, I highly recommend you guys watching it. Aliw talaga siya. (But maybe that's because I got to sit front row-center at a discount. :p) Hehehe. Front row, 'tas mga katabi ko yung sub-group of the Philo class fondly referred to as "the Jesuits". :p Think big guys like me who recite frequently in class. Pero mabait. Anyway.

It was nice. Bentang-benta kasi yung play, never no mind wala doon si Sweet Lapus (wasn't his cast that time).

Got to see a lot of old friends, old teachers, my Philo classmates (malamang), some of the cute girls from my Philo block (I'm sorry. girl-watching = guilty pleasure. hehehe!)... okey afternoon ko. And to top it off, libre yung ice cream (ube + cheese + avocado. mmm.). asteeg. :p

I even got to see Jessica Zafra, (she was in front of me in the queue entering the theater) my old freshman English teacher Sir Jonathan Chua (he said "hello Mr. Doval-Santos!" in the signature faint voice that I could hear over a noisy crowd), my old freshman Filipino teacher Ma'am Bong Oris... heck, andun pa nga si Ma'am Beni! :D We talked over ice cream, and any day with Ma'am Beni is a very good day. :D

Which remids me: I should get down to remixing Dad's Violin post-haste.

Walked from RCBC to Glorietta with Hanniel dahil wala nang jeep noong 6 PM. He was nice enough to accompany me while I walked. Bait no? Ayaw daw niya ako ma-holdap. Hwehehe. He told me he wanted to buy tickets to Ateneo-La Salle next Sunday. I said I'd try to help him.
Oh, walking there, we got a text saying panalo Ateneo. Yey. Good ending for a good afternoon. :)

Evening, well... I got to buy Dramachine, Sugarfree's new CD! :D Then, I got picked up by my Mom and Dad and siblings to go to The Fort. They went shopping, and I ended up eating pizza at Price Smart. (any 18' cheese pizza is always good. mmm. pero Yellow Cab pa rin. :D)

Bad trip pauwi. Traffic. And my brother couldn't stop talking on the phone long enough for me to listen to Sugarfree. (heck, he's still on the phone as I write this, and it irritates me because I can't think clean.).

All in all, a good weekend. Except that I've not studied at all, nor have I written nor edited anything significant (except for Lighthouse Writing Exercise #2 and... WALA!)

Deadlines on Tuesday are creeping. Patay.

current music: Artstrong & Sugarfree on MTV Lokal. yey. :)

The weekend is winding rather slowly now. Last thing on the agenda is the Midsummer Night's Dream show later at 3 PM. Hopefully, Dad'll swing by to give me a ride. Or that he'll let me drive to Makati.

------------
another writing exercise from bed this morning.

Uninspired/Insipid


There are rubber nodes
on the black plastic refusing to give.
Hence, the TV screen of my muse
still stays empty and black.

------------

Yesterday, was Days meeting. It was nice gettting to hang with everybody. Kay tagal ding hindi ko sila nakikita... especially since I was away on the workshop. Every now and then, they'd ask "O, kumusta yung workshop?", and it'd be nice remembering some of the cool things there. Yun nga lang, I couldn't quite tell them what happened. It's not so much like in Days, where things are a secret. In the Heights Workshop, the process of critiquing works, of writing exercises, etc all is tricky to encapsulate into a few sentences.

Likewise, I'm also careful when it comes to the other, not-so-pleasant pieces of that weekend.

-------------

Kagabi kwentuhan kami ni Ailyn. Long time no kwento! Aliw. ü Kinda went up to the small hours of the morning on YM. Kwentuhan lang talaga... updates across the board. Tama naman siya: dahil minsan-minsan lang kayo nag-uusap, sagarin na siya. :D So puro current things... kumusta na si kwan, how's school, etc etc.

It was a long chat, while I went on "stalking people over Friendster". :p And no, I didn't tell her some of the people I looked over were people who don't quite acknowledge me as "prendster"... especially one girl from high school in particular. (and of course, Ai already knows who this one girl who 'fell from the sky' is. haay. :p)

"I think I made you up inside my head..." -Sylvia Plath

current music: Stay - Lisa Loeb

Updates:

1.) Yes, money has been tight lately. I guess it's a strange combination of events. Last week, I went on a book-buying mode that drained a large portion of what I saved over two weeks. That wouldn't have been so bad, but being grounded for a week left me having to commute daily throughout. Consider: trips back and forth from my house in a day = 60 pesos in one day (back and forth kasi). Daily allowance = 100 pesos in one day. And since I couldn't go home to save for luch, patay! UBOS TALAGA SIYA! :P

2.) No, wala akong participant na nakuha. I'm still trying to find one. Tricky lang kasi na maraming ibang communities diyan na may "friend silang kilala". Granted, I'd not be a Dazer if I didn't know Kaia, Kyla or the Mesina sisters for that matter. But still.

3.) Yes, natalo ang Ateneo kanina sa UE. Haay. "You can't win 'em all." Low point of the day. haay. It wasn't even that good a game! Ateneo played bad. That's all.

4.) No, the poem ain't finished yet. Still researching doing research, particularly on France. Why? You'll see. Hopefully it'll be done by tomorrow? I dunno. This is something I can cram, but I'm not positive if it'll all fall down the way I want it to. Maybe I can already re-tool the other one, "Dad's Violin". Or try tinkering with other early works. I'll see. (Carla, kung isip mo mahusay na yung dati, just wait. :D )

5.) Yes, I got myself 1 front-row seat to A Midsummer Night's Dream this Sunday, 3PM. :) Highlight of the day. Yey! hehehe! Buti na lang pumayag si Mommy bilhin siya para sa akin. :) I would have bought it myself (especially since our Philo class had them on discount) but well, money has been tight nga. :p

6.) No, my I-Mesh isn't quite working today. That stinks. I can't download music anymore. Grrr.

7.) Yes, yes, yes, I know. I need to study. But I've not quite gotten myself the willpower to force down these Philo and Theo readings. I get what they're about, and I can hold my own in the daily recitations. I just quite can't get used to sitting down and NOT WRITING. :P (Well, there's the occasional NBA Live 2004 binge, but that's different. :D)

8.) Yes, I'm regressing back to a state I was from way, way back. Haay. I hate it.

9.) I think I'm not mad anymore. Ewan ko na lang kung sila naman ang gustong magigng distant.

Today, I handed Waps and Javie my "remix" of my workshop poem. I asked them to crit it. Nakow.

Noong workshop, medyo "glossed over" siya kasi medyo vague yung subject matter. Ngayon na mas pinalinaw ko na siya by giving it some retouches, NAKOW! Kinatay na talaga siya! :p Di daw malinaw! And while the insight/meditation was good, marami pang butas! :p

Haay. I guess you don't really get it down on the first revision, huh?

The magic of a workshopping is that while it hurts to see the piece you stood up hours over get sent to the butcher, you have a certain tinge of excitement that spices you. It's like there's a sensation hard to make clear. To me, parang alam ko bigla kung ano talaga kailangan kong gawin. Clarity. And a sense of direction. Wonderful things.

For the most part, yeah. I think I can do this. :)

I think I can do this. :)

Meantime, I attended the formalist/new crit talk for English poetry. True to my "Fire-Breather" title, I went ahead and bang, bang, banged away with my close reading remarks. :D I'm afraid I might even have intimidated one or two English staffers. :p Sana naman hindi. Di nga ako member ng Heights, 'tas ganito bigla. :p

But I learned a lot. I think it's when we got down to apply the criticism's mechanics in practice towards the poem, I got a good sense of what makes the poem truly sing. It's amazing, how Gamalinda layered the insight. Shet shet shet.

Husay mhen. So the challenge is on me, if I can do this too.

Or better. :)

current music: Foolish Heart - Nina

Yes, if you know what the poem below is about, quiet lang kayo. :p

No, I've not heard from her in a long, long time. She didn't even approve my Friendster "Add As Friend" request, so wala talagang balita...

Yes, miss ko siya. Maybe she'd be proud knowing I made it as a fellow. If there's anybody who I wanted to share the news with, it'd be her.

Today and Tuesday features free cuts for Theology. Yey! :D Less stress, more time to write, read and do whatever. :D

Today I asked Waps to help me edit. He told me the main issue with "Dance" is like the others I've written: it fails to make the scene clear.

He said that lyric poetry tends to revolve around a metaphor and the insight that comes hand in hand with it, a prose poem crystallizes a scene. Yun din, ayon naman kay Sir Krip, dapat malapot yung idea ng prose poem, the subject should be something really different.

So lagot tayo dito sa "Dance" kung ganoon. :(

Isip ko pwede pa 'tong isalba... pwede pa siyang i-30 Days. I just need to do more thinking/focused study on the scene of two people dancing.

Haay. Wish me luck.

current music: Everything - Lifehouse

I, for the life of me, cannot write prose poetry. :(


Dance

Our steps were broken, half-hearted verses. We wondered, with you leaning on my shoulders and our hands losing themselves in our mazed fingers why the wind was unseen, why you wanted me to title my poems after it. It was there, undoubtedly, like a God's love. Like angels. But never apparent, Always in question. Every other day, we would steal away, and we went, whispering rimmed rhymes from beyond the track oval, or plagiarizing a phone line or two from wise men who knew little. We swayed to the music, that evening, I holding your pale white hand creaming at your tears streaming. You told me (without words) love was something painful, something in doubt that kept you up at night, tossing at turning, clutching to the angel statuette I gave you to keep you safe and to conduit my mute prayers for you. My hands stood beside you and your red dress and there, I watched you grow wings and float into the eyes of the lost boy across the hall. Today, you're away, in the arms of another, and I, keeping the lost metaphors of our whispered poem in stasis, in icy black and white.


Kung sinuman diyan marunong, patulong po. Salamat.

current music: Angel - The Corrs, Confessions II - Usher, She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5, and others at MTV and LAUNCHCAST. :)

I've had a very busy weekend.

Friday:

Was spent heading to school. I *finally* got around attending Sci 10. Haay. Then, it was tambay/cram FA 101 paper in the Internet Cafe next to Blueskies. I won't be surprised if I don't do well for that one. I was pretty ill-prepared to get that one.

May I add? I've gone on a bookbuying binge. :p Since I realized last Friday that I've been snagging too many contemporary poetry books, I grabbed a book of "Great Love Poems", which is full of old, OLD stuff. :p Stuff like Shakespeare, Marlowe, Tennyson, etc etc. Yes, pangit yung book. But hey. I hardly had any money left. :(

I also got my certificate for the Heights writers' workshop at Heights' GA. Yey. :D Wala na ako sa Heights, pero medyo may "perks" pa rin ako para nun. :p In effect, I'll still have to write 3 poems, or 1 short story, and one close reading of a poem, like any other staffer...

Except, well, I'm not a staffer anymore. :p Oh well. Di bale. Fellow naman ako ngayon. :p

Later that evening, we were expecting my Tito Joey Anca (Tita Louie's husband) arriving home from Singapore. I pigged out on spaghetti. :p Then, when we met up with him, we ate at Yellow Cab Pizza at Greehills. (Dayzers, alam nyo naman gaano ko mahal yung #4 Cheese nila, di ba?)

Gronk. Busog.

Saturday:

Kung kahapon busog, gutom na gutom naman to! :P Hardly ate anything the whole day. :p Spent it at home, where they hardly cooked anything. haay. Trapped at home the whole day, then night came.

We went to Eastwood City, para mag-mall kasabay nina Tito. Lola Anca's birthday was to be held that evening at Shanghai Bistro. So doon na ako nagpaka-sarap sa pagkain. :D I was also the host/emcee for the party along with Tito. Wahahaha. Nakaka-tawa. Tito kept getting the name "Eastwood" wrong. Halatang kay tagal niyang wala sa Maynila. :p

Whiled the evening away malling/window shopping with my sibs, and Dad's two amazing cousins, Chelo and Rosa (mga ninang ko). Yehey.

I WANT A PAIR OF BLUE AND WHITE 1982 NIKE AIR FORCE ONES LIKE IN SHOE SALON.

OR A PAIR OF T-MAC 3.5's. :D (yeah, t-mac's na lang. :p)

Astig din yung gigantic Garfield stuffed toy back in the movie district of Eastwood. :p It was even bigger than my kid sister. :D

[Nakita ko rin doon ung isang pamatay-sa-cute na girl na ka-high school, pero 2 batches lower than me. Ka-service daw yun dati ni Fritz. Haay. Memories.]

Sunday:

Morning was spent cramming the Genogram for the Theology Recollection. Oks naman yung recollection. Some nice ladies from CEFAM were the ones facilitating. :) Napa-group ako sa afternoon session, with Carl, Kim, Kaye and Allan. Oks naman. Learned quite a bit.

Didn't get to chat with anybody on the family webcam though. Oh well.

Oh yeah, PANALO ATENEO!!! :D Yeah! :D 1st round sweep! :D

current music: Wave 89.1

http://xbox.gamespy.com/xbox/nba-street-v3/533426p1.html

It's a dream come true, ladies and genltemen! :D And I can't wait. :)

------------------------

Meanwhile, I've spent so much money on poetry and books, I think I might not make it home tonight. Especially since I got that "Great Love Poems" volume for 160 bucks. Shet shet shet.

But at least, I'll be smarter when I DO finally decided to start writing love poems again. I'll have read "the classics" so I won't stumble on what's already been done.

Don't ya just hate that? When you're all ready to get to work, you read something and then you realize your project's already been done before. Yeah. Sucks don't it?

At least it's not probably gonna happen to me.

But I MUST get to the library and borrow some canon for once. This book-shopping spree is killing my pocket.

---------------

current music: more senti.

Today, like a good boy, I woke up early. Very early. Around 5 AM early. Went downstairs, chatted with Chimoms a bit over breakfast, checked my email and gathered my things. I can't quite remember if I took a decent shower. All I know is I ended up wearing red shorts as underwear beneath black pants and a sando/sleeveless shirt I usually wear for basketball in my hurry.

I started my climb up the hill at around 6 or so. I was just trying to be good, trying to avoid being late or having to steal the car or something. Today was like yesterday wherein nobody offered to give me a lift up the steep, fifty foot-or-so hill that led to the tricycle stop.

I got to the KFC-Gate 3 area at around 6:45. On the ride in the jeep, I noticed some little things. Like my friend, Mela who was wearing yellow. (I think. basta may cute akong nakita doon!) Or how there's no traffic along Katips at around 6:20 but triples in intensity at 6:40 Or how other passengers have reacted differently to me this morning. Maybe it was because I looked so comfy in casual. I just took pains to hide my ID and Days cross under my shirt, lest I draw attention to theives.

Like a bad boy, I decided to cut my classes. All of 'em. I didn't have my homework for Theo131, because
1.) I couldn't ask my parents for info. We've not yet talked anyway.
2.) I fell asleep very early so I could wake up early for the commute.

I really didn't want to cut Theo and Philo, but hey. I decided I needed the break. It also happened that with me was the PS2 memory card, so I took it to Hobby Stop and released some, no, LOTS of tension by beating up pixellated people in Soul Calibur 2. Saya! I think I took around 2 hours or so, just playing, unlocking secret bonus characters, reading the feeble storylines, staring at the technicality of the kung-fu / swordplay of the game, that sort of thing.

I then went to Aeon books, and like many people I know, I took my bothersome stress to shopping, and just book-shopped. For a good hour or so too. Saya! :D I think if I can save up two weeks' worth of allowance, I can run away with a good set of poetry books to prepare myself. Yey. :)

I ended up buying two books:

One Hundred Love Poems: Philippine Love Poetry Since 1905
(edited by Gemino H. Abad and "Sir Krip" Alfred Yuson)
and
The Nymph of MTV
(2003's Palanca awardee for poetry by Angelo Suarez)

Yey. Swag. :) Lotsa swag. Even yesterday, I also got the collection of Father Poems, also co-edited by Sir Krip. Hehehe. Bias daw.

I want a copy of Salvaged Poems by Emman Lacaba. Jeb! Eram naman! :D I'm also thinking of someday rounding out my collection of poets, but the serious, international classics (Sexton, Plath, Elliot, Kerouac, Neruda, etc etc etc) all cost a fortune.

Decided to visit the Pub. At least the tone of the sunny day has made an impact: people are now smiling, like yesterday was just a weird aberration of hormones and bad alcohol. May isang bubwit na masayang masaya. :p hehehe. baaad. :p

On my way home I decided to hear Mass. I was a bit late, I arrived at the Homily where Fr. Ben Nebres was talking about the Blue Eagles and "pagiging buo ang loob", like what we need to be when we're going through duress. Haay. Thank you for that Father. :D

Yes, Jesuit music is the best thing in the world when you're going through shit. :) "Huwang Kang Mangamba" was the song they sang at Communion. Wow.

Kuya Jess, you're real to me because it's days like this you make your presence felt when I need you. :) Salamat Lord. Di pa rin ako ganyang ka saya o kanyang kayang magpatawad, at ngarag pa rin ang mga tao sa Pub at sa tahanan ko. But I'm getting there, I hope.

I also saw someone at Mass. Pero I'll just go "shhh" on that one. It's not so significant anyway. Well, not yet.

I'm back. and angry. and wet. and hurt.

And it doesn't look like it'll get any better.

Don't ask just yet.