current music: Sa Madaling Salita - Ang Bandang Shirley

I've been thinking.

You made your choice.
But maybe I haven't made mine.

And I think there's a time when I'm tired of watching you disappear, time and again.

I've always loved you, but I don't think you know what that means.
Nor how deep this all goes.

Nor how I can't take that back, never mind that I've met others, others who love me better.

Because maybe, just maybe
it's me who can love you best.

1 A.D.


I think there were still candles left alit
when we left our little room
to search for things we wanted
but we both didn't have for each other.

It's been a while and we haven't returned;
it's probably too dark for us to be together again there,
now as you say all the lights are snuffed out,
that we can't go back,
that we forgot matches, and can't spark another start.

You tell me this again and again,
your eyes looking elsewhere, for places
I can't walk to with you.

But
what if things now are different,
that the light didn't die,
that the flame caught a curtain or something,
and burned the house down?

Maybe what we really have left inside
isn't darkness, but soot-stained memories like ash,
stuck to skin, and unwilling to leave.

Or maybe
this fire we have inside
could still be burning, waiting for us
to come back,
stay,
and warm ourselves, arms entwined in embrace.

Let's not put out the fire.
Besides, Dearest,
your kiss alone puts these flames to shame.

current music: Be Mine (ballad version) - Robyn

Friends, please, please listen to this song playing in my current music! You'll find it on Robyn's MySpace page. 

It kinda got me thinking. Heh.

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I was driving home today and I realized that at the end of it all, I have a rather "high-maintenance" life. And in a certain sense, I'm not always making a good account of it. I'm having more and more trouble "paying the upkeep" to keep the life I lead. For instance:

- I've got lots of friends, but not a lot of time for all of them (some even envious of the time I 'allocate' to others). I'm always eager to catch up, but life got in the way. 

- I have a job I love, but I'm not great at it (even downright bad at it on some days)

- I have family duties that I can't get out of. And this family's very... particular about how I live.

- I have things I do "that are for life improvement" (writing, soaking up art, exercise, etc) that I want to always do, but don't always do.

My dad's old classmate, Dr. Dans, once gave the commencement speech for the graduates of PGH Med, and he said related how he subdivided his life into "big and small rocks". You put the big rocks first, then the rest fit. I took a deep look and saw that the rocks have moved, changed, and re-sorted themselves lately.

Raph's "Big Rocks"

1.) Kendo training every Saturday afternoon

2.) Days meetings every Saturday (sometimes), with batches every now and then

3.) Days rounds/parties/times out, variable times

4.) Time with family, Sundays

5.) work, weekdays, afternoons non-negotiable

6.) AAA board meetings, Wednesdays, once a month

7.) AAA events, and related meetings, interviews, etc depende sa araw.

8.) time devoted to blogging, writing, journalling, etc

9.) any and all friends who need me to be wherever (because I'm a sucker like that)

So in effect, Saturday is really the only day that "looks kind of set," and everything else just rolled in, from video games to webcomics, to telephone calls. My potential busiest week (and I hope it never happens!) has a Days batch on the weekend, training on the Saturday, board meeting on Wednesday, an event somewhere mid-week, and time out with family on the Sunday, all on top of regular office hours! 

I miss college now, how I only had to worry about area every Saturday morning, classes in the week, and UAAP games/Arsenal games. :p

--------------------

Growth happens and we don't always see it.

My hands are going callous again. My feet are losing their power to feel pain, as I walk on almost all sorts of surfaces now. My shoulders, left arm, my upper back all feel tighter, stiffer, and lighter. Some say I got taller, while my sensei says my back is straighter now. Old clothes feel more loose now; heck, I think I can fit into a lot of my old stuff again. The scales don't say I lose weight, but I feel... smaller, and taller at the same time.

I've been trying to be more... outgoing, I guess. I'm more talkative, more like the TnT I used to be. I am getting a little better at remembering names, and I try to be a bit more "playful" with people I talk to, without necessarily coming off as a jerk, or worse, a flirt. Heck, one girl I dealt with at work last month even said I was "very perky", which I find an unusual assessment. 

I don't think I'm as patient as I was when I was teaching children. I find my attention span going shorter and shorter. My temper, too, is coming back. Even the smallest slight is enough prompting for me to yell, and the "irritability" I picked up over law school has returned to make a second guest appearance. 

I'm starting to wonder if at the end of it all, I'll be so different a person I may not recognize myself, let alone be recognized by people who love me. 

---------------------

Sometimes when you're totally beat, I guess that prayer is really all we got.

current music: Sanctuary - Utada Hikaru




wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me now


I watch you fast asleep,
All I fear means nothing


In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me

snwod dna spu ynam os
My heart's a battleground
snoitome eurt deen I
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
snoitome eurt deen I

You show me how to see,
That nothing is whole and nothing is broken,


In you and I there's a new land
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah


Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me now


My fears, my lies
Melt away...
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I