I miss her small, bony, and ever so fragile hands.

I miss her tinny, tiny, squeaky and adorable voice.

I miss her eyes, with a gaze piercing like knives and yet delicate like a caress.

I miss that bright body of hers, and how it shone in the sunset.

I miss her "negative" moods, which I'd tease, much to her anger.

I miss hearing her sing.

I miss making her laugh.

I miss how she laughed at my jokes.

I miss surprising her and making her squeal in delight as a result, every time.

I miss her beautiful family. Every one of them.

I miss her cool friends.

I miss cooking for her.

I miss how she'd sniff her hair.

I miss the smell of her hair.

I miss her hair, always pretty no matter what.

I miss driving her to and from work. I miss driving her home. I miss how she'd hold my hand while I was driving, out of the blue, ever so unexpectedly.

I miss how she asked if I already ate, or how my day went. I miss how she was actually one of only 4 people in my life who care about me to ask.

I miss how she broke rules for me. I miss breaking rules for her.

I miss how close we became, and yet, we never broke boundaries on principle. We never had sex, let alone kissed like lovers do. Not once. And I miss how close to breaking those walls we got sometimes, and how it excited me to see her next time.

I miss her surprise texts, Facebook chats, phone calls and all those just to get me to go with her somewhere out of the blue, no matter how difficult it could be for me. I miss how I'd hear from her 5 out of 7 days in a week.

I miss having somebody to travel with.

I miss having somebody to plan travel with.

I miss how she'd nit-pick every little thing about me.

I miss being motivated, driven, each time she'd comment negatively about me. I felt ever so strong each time, determined to prove her wrong.

I miss fighting with her. Because when we were friends again, it was like a newfound strength to the bond we shared was forged.

I miss hearing her laugh, even with jokes that weren't funny to me.

I miss how she encouraged me to save money. I miss her nagging me to save money.

I miss seeing her face on my Facebook Top Friends. Hell, I miss seeing her on Facebook, and I missed out on copies of pictures on the "dope times" we had. I look at where her face should be on my apps and see a hole, like the hole in my heart right now.

I miss talking to her about everything and nothing at once.

I miss not having to cry when I hear love songs.

I miss singing love songs with her.

I miss going to church with her.

I miss watching American Idol with her. I miss watching TV with her, period, and making popcorn to watch.

I miss how she gave me what I needed, never just what I wanted.

I miss how her perfume would flood my car. I miss how it turned me on for days.

I miss planning a future together, a future we were both skeptical would ever happen, but excited me to make real nevertheless.

I miss helping her out with her thesis.

I miss arguing with her.

I miss her yelling at me, and how I yell back.

I miss seeing how hot she becomes when she's angry.

I miss her warmth when it's cold.

I miss how her small arms had so much strength, that night she held me close.

I miss the beach because of her.

I miss partying with her.

I miss daydreaming about her.

I miss remembering the color yellow meaning more than just another shade, because it was her favorite.

I miss late night food binges in Mister Kebab, or at Bellisimo, or Greens or Taco Bell or KFC. I miss how coffee tasted because of her. I miss collecting stickers for Starbucks and stamps from Gloria Jean's for her.

I miss lining up at 2AM at Araneta Center, or rushing out of the office to get to Blue Eagle Gym, so we could watch UAAP together. I miss scoping out Araneta for tickets to the Cheerdance contest which I couldn't get. I miss buying tickets to BoyzIIMen, amid a throng of PBA fans. I miss knowing she'd love these shows and she did, and I loved them because I was with her.

I miss exercise and running with her.

I miss our walks.

I miss how she got along with my family pretty well. I miss that a lot.

I miss writing her letters.

I miss having her sleep over my place.

I miss serving her breakfast in bed.

I miss shopping for cheese with her, and experimenting with it in my kitchen.

I miss making her iPod play lists. I miss having someone I could talk to about music, and how I'd learn from her.

I miss planning things to do for her, like buying her earphones, or making her a scrapbook.

I miss listening to her rant about boys.

I miss (yes I do) , I miss being jealous about her and the boys who liked her and the boy she loved. I miss the arguments. I miss how tenderly I'd try to apologize, and how harsh she could be when not in the mood to be friends, because it'd make me have to be braver.

I miss how she'd never say no.

I miss how she picked up my lingo, like lines like "sounds like a plan" and "gudjab" and "Whatevs" and "Sooobrang galing". I miss how cute it was, all the time.

I miss helping her find a job, and driving her to interviews and waiting for her to finish.

I miss the bets and debts we never got to keep.

I miss how she made me feel this was inevitable. That we would not be able to avoid it, ever.

I miss preparing her dinner for the evenings she didn't get to eat, and driving them to her so she'd have something to munch on in my car.

I miss how we'd sit quietly and look at each others' eyes, wordlessly, both like and not like how lovers do. It's hard to understand unless you actually do.

I miss feeling her pat my back when I coughed.

I miss our sweldo-day adventures.

I miss holding her hand.

I miss long road trips with her.

I miss how warm she felt when she leaned on me, and how it always made me feel so much stronger than I did that day.

I miss knowing that all my dreams, she'd support me, and wouldn't keep me.

I miss hitching my future plans to hers, of her hopes to leave the country and make a life there. I miss the knowledge I had then, deep down, that it would be worth it.

I miss getting drunk with her.

I miss letting her tell me what to do (which I don't let just anyone do).

I miss how cute she'd be, resisting me from hugging her.

I miss dreaming about her. I miss how those dreams made me wake up every morning feeling refreshed and energized, and not broken and in tears.

I miss feeling like every day our hearts could turn.

I miss how my friends looked at us. Not just at me. Us.

I miss having friends tell me "She's awesome, Raph. I hope you two make this last."

I miss how every little thing seemed to go right when I was with her, and we were on "an adventure". That even the bad things became positives along the way, and how the good things became intensely wonderful, as if by some miracle.

I miss doing random errands for her that I can't remember anymore.

I miss volunteering for causes with her.

I miss the sound of her name.

I miss the softness of her lips on my cheeks when we say goodbye.

I miss praying with her.

I miss praying for her.

I miss telling her I love her.

I miss whispering "I love you" whenever she left, just softly so she wouldn't hear it out loud.

I miss having the right to love her.

I miss her.


And now, I am mute, alone, emptied of everything without her, except my regrets. I walk among the wounded and until things lift, I know no joy.

current music: When She Loved Me - The King's Singers


Nelli, Dearest of all my friends,

I wish I had more than a few hours to really say my goodbyes. Then again, the goodbyes should've happened a whole lot longer ago, when somewhere along the way, I learned you wouldn't ever be the one I would call mine.

Still, at every turn, at every little moment of quiet I remembered you. I recalled your small hands that felt like a keychain of keys that open me, no matter how mad or closed-hearted I was. I would wonder how you'd think or sort through problems if I found myself stuck. I'd see beautiful things in life and wonder how you'd react if I showed them to you.

I say these because these thoughts will have to stay for the time being. You love Mike, with a kind of passion and courage and loyalty that I was ready to give you. There's no way I could tell you to leave him, not for my benefit, but for yours, because I could never be dissuaded to stop looking out for you. (And you know this.)

You and I both have a shot at not just being happy, but at making other people's lives a whole lot brighter. I like to think that this is what Jess wants for you and I. Angels don't own, keep, desire anything after all. And as angels, we both know we must go.

In the course of a year, you've shown me much about what it means to love, to REALLY love. Yes, you say often how sorry you were for trouble. But I wasn't perfect either. I hurt you, made you cry, and kept you from being happy sometimes too. I treated you like I would a girlfriend and I'm sorry if you hated me for it.

And then there are days that are simply magical. Days I'll cherish forever. They light up my dreams like a Bolinao sunset, fill me with music the way that makes roaring basketball crowds sound like a whisper. They touch me more tenderly than the most heartfelt words, such that haven't been thought of yet. And it's all because you, the one I love most, was there with me.

It's almost a year since you crashed into my life. I still feel it like yesterday. It's almost 4 years since we first met. I still haven't forgotten how I went home smiling that night, wondering if I'll ever see you again.

And now, we go, we walk, we fly. I pray my time with you was able to give you something, anything, that leaves a mark in your life as you do in mine, everyday.

And someday, if ever you wonder where I am, or yearn for that love which I've never kept from you, pray. His is a greater love.

And if you ever find me again, the way you did that one magical summer of 2009, know that I'll still remember you, your laugh, your voice, your lovely, angelic eyes. You always were that first angel I prayed for. You'll always be.

Be safe. I love you.

Basta ikaw,
Raph