Pananatili

current music: Pananatili - Hangad

Maybe some of you don’t believe in God. Maybe it’s a greater comfort to feel that the world is just happenstance, just random firings of nature’s laws and physics and human error all rolled into a mess.
I’d feel that way too.

But today, at a day when I wanted, so badly, to walk away from something (someone?) that just does not give, that just wounds my pride, and just fills me with despair and frustration, I went to church. I wanted to find some release. I wanted to feel that feeling where “Yes, I am doing this. I’m letting this go. If I can’t be a priority, then I should make my own priorities follow suit. If I can’t be loved, I should just leave and be done with it.”

Then I hear it, the familiar strains of the song, entreating me to stay:

Huwag mong naising lisanin kita;
Wala ‘kong hangaring ika’y mag-isa.
Sa’n man magtungo, ako’y sasabay,
Magkabalikat sa paglalakbay.
Mananahan sa tahanang sisilong sa ‘yo,
Yayakapin ang landasin at bayan mo.
Poon mo ay aking ipagbubunyi

At iibigin nang buong sarili.
Sa’n man abutin ng paghahanap,
Ikaw at ako’y magkasamang ganap.

Ipahintulot nawa ng Panginoon:
Ni kamataya’y maglalaho, anino ng kahapon.

Dahil pag-ibig ang alay sa ‘yo, mananatili ako.
H’wag nang naising tayo’y mawalay,
H’wag nang isiping
Magwawakas
ang paglalakbay.

Huwag mong naising lisanin kita;
Wala ‘kong hangaring ika’y mag-isa.
Sa’n man magtungo, ako’y sasabay,
Magkabalikat sa paglalakbay.

I wanna cry. I feel confused and troubled. “Lord, where are you taking me?” I want to ask.

I'm Currently Memorizing This.

I've liked this poem a long time already, but lately they ring harder, truer, to me. 

I feel like I saw a dream where I was on my way away. And I had to tell someone I loved something. And what I chose were these words. 

I don't know. It moves me, and I love them. Too bad I can't find an audio copy of this being read properly!  

 

 

i carry your heart with me

by ee cummings

 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I Just Do.

You don't have to do anything to earn me. You already have.

You don't have to do anything to get me to stay. I choose to.

You don't have to hide, or pretend, or keep secrets. I've known you long enough not to take them against you.

All I want is for you to come around. Because I did, with you. And the view is quite a sight to see.

So let's take this in together. Let's make nice things happen, together this time.

The Leap

My brother loves basketball. His current favorite player is Kobe Bryant. He loves the story about how somewhere in the mid-2000's, Kobe decided to take "the leap". This leap was a physical one. It meant that the player add several pounds of muscle to his slight shooting guard frame, and work on post moves. He would be more than just a guy who took shots on the outside perimeter. He would have more physical power to work closer to the basket, and defend bigger players. (I'm trying my best to make it simple for non-ball-loving friends!)

So yeah. "The leap" my brother likes to say, quotes stressed by his fingers.

It makes me think about my own life.

In all honesty, I'm really lucky. I've managed to survive and thrive this long without making major adjustments to my life, and the changes I made, I could go back from easily. I learned to live alone, in a strange land with strange language barriers, but I got to go home after. I may have failed my subjects and lost a scholarship, but I never had to stop studying.

Lately, I've found that something...crashed in my life. Maybe it was from the car accident I recently survived. Maybe it was from watching people close to me get hurt, again and again, and see them get back up. Maybe it's because, as Pablo Neruda put it, "I am tired of being a man," and the sameness of this city takes away my sharpness.

I have chosen to not sit around. I want to take "the leap". My life has a lot of "high time" markers.

That means:
- I get a decent paying job and amass some meaningful wealth in a year.
- lose close to 100 more pounds of weight within the next few months
- finish my graduate studies
- move out of the family house and into something different
- get really, really good at being alone (more on this another day)

I don't know where this will take me. I only know it will change me. And maybe that's reason enough.

Walking Wounded

I look fine. Everyone thinks I'm ok. They smile. I smile. I drive to do my errands. I do what my parents ask now and then. I listen before I speak.

The past few days, my arm has been pinching me. It's in pain. I can't say why yet - we might get results of the x-rays in a few days. On the outside it looks totally okay. When I put it to work, things change.

I'm starting to appreciate little things. For example, when I'm laid out on a bed, the act of turning to my side or hugging a pillow makes use of muscles and bones in my arm. Those muscles and bones now hurt. A lot. They didn't before. Now the little motions hurt.

For another example, I cannot turn a steering wheel of our cars. Another example: carrying shopping bags. So is lifting my camera and keeping it steady. All these things you need strong bones and muscles in your forearm, shoulder, elbow, and wrist. I don't have those. Not anymore.

We have all these things we take for granted. We don't realize what they do for us until we can't use them anymore. Right now for me, it's my right arm. What more if it's something closer to the heart.

Crashed

I forgot whether it was some kind of Harrison Ford movie where they joke about being able to walk away from accidents being a good accident, complete with a picture of wreckage and burning debris.

Last Sunday, I walked away from the wreckage of the family car. I drove the car, and I nearly spun out of control on the highway. Quick thinking made me dive it into the center island of the road, to avoid collateral damage. I ended up smashing against a concrete barrier.

We were on the way to the beach for a week. We wanted to see mountains too. We were on holiday, all for the birthday of an adorable little boy.

We ended up seeing the white ceilings while doctors looked after us.

I broke the car, I ruined our vacation, and I basically sent two people I care for most dearly to the hospital. I also have trouble working with my right arm, but that's small potatoes. I still haven't wrapped my mind around how much fixing the car will cost, even with insurance. I still don't know how much the hospital figures will end up as. It's mind-boggling.

Truth is, maybe my moods are all just Survivor's Guilt. Or PTSD. Like, I came away from the event where we all could have died. And I'm here, and yet other people are suffering, when I was behind the wheel. They told me not to blame myself - they're right. It just nags at me deep down. Whenever I shut my eyes I smell the smoke, I see the windshield cracks bloom open, I can feel the blood caked on my fingers. 

I'll get through this. I already count my lucky stars - we're alive, safe, and emerging stronger after the event. We didn't kill anybody else. Insurance will help shoulder costs. We did not lose our eyesight, or voices, or memories (as far as I can tell), or more. Sure, we lost some sleep, a nice car, and a little time with each other on holiday. But some have it much worse, so we are still grateful. It's bad luck. Happens everyday, on that highway, I was told.

I just wish I had easy answers to use, or had somebody to talk this through like I do for my clients. Everything feels like walking on thin ice, with time pressure.