TUESDAY:

It ended in defeat for me. A black eye, a broken and bleeding nose, and bruises on my face that, as of this writing, still haven't healed. My hands also hurt. It hurts when I carry things with my left hand. I can't wear glasses, and it also hurts when I read. I got grounded for a handful of days, because, well, Dad didn't like me fighting with my kid brother.

By now, people know about it, and I've broken my silence regarding the matter. I figured that I ought to keep quiet because the policy is never to let other people in on the 'dirty laundry' about the family. In this instance, I didn't want to keep quiet. I felt for too long I had been keeping mum about how my brother causes conflict and friction at home, and how I always just accede and let him have his way to keeping the peace.

Well, the peace ended, if only for a brief two minutes of much punching.


WEDNESDAY:

Forgiveness is often easy for me, forgetting less so.

What really sucked was how nobody really believed me when I said I forgave my brother. Not my brother, not Dad. Hell, I even got chastised about how "I was making it worse" and all that, but what the hell. He was ranting about how I wasn't nice and how I ought to change. I say, that frankly, I'm right because what I did was something Dad himself wouldn't be able to do.

At least the doctors say that it's not too serious.


THURSDAY:

Slow.

Although Roel suddenly joined Days. I'm now in a frantic pursuit to make his batch a memorable one, as I'm de facto sponsor.

Admittedly, I'm delighted at the news. Finally. I won't be alone here in this household as being a Dayzer. The tricky thing was that I didn't think he'd jump the issue on me THIS SOON.

I'm still skeptical whether or not this is brought by a genuine interest in becoming a better Christian, or if it's because he's guilty about the fight and he's just trying to make amends. Because nobody just 'jumps the gun' with Days. It's too big a deal just to take so lightly.


FRIDAY:

I felt so alone. I cut class and decided to go to the mall. I shopped for a few gifts for classmates, and I watched "The Nativity Story". Lame movie, but it had its moments.

It somehow made me realize that yeah, I do someday want to fall in love, settle down, have a family, and be happy that way. In essence, that's the simplest and happiest life goal that people ever could dream for themselves back then, and it showed there. A simple and happy family life was what they wanted; then God sends his angel and poof! No more simple.

I guess that now that I'm in law school, I realized how simple my dreams really were. I'm part of a sad generation of youth, who were raised by hard-working middle class parents who sent their children (like me) to expensive, good schools and left them with a good education. Then, it's my generation that realizes there's more to life than 'perpetuating the family business'. Like how my Ateneo friend Leloy, a doctor's son, wants to just be a teacher. Or how my friend May, daughter of a lawyer, doesn't dream of more than just working as a manager for a hotel.

Or how I'm thinking of leaving law school, and I've no real place to turn to after.


SATURDAY:

It was a fun, busy kind of way. I'm still tired.

No, I still am too demoralized to be back on the school saddle. I'm losing my fire. I'm losing the purpose of why I'm still here, of why I keep trying to convince myself that I'm happy where I am when I curse every challenge. Especially as this cursing is what I do instead of welcoming these trials and travails like I used to, when I was doing work I really loved.

I read a blog entry today. I realized that sometimes, I let my daydreamt image of what would make myself happy lead me to be carried away. That the way things are, often, aren't as happy or as nice as I think they can be going, no matter how bare I've peeled and pared down those paradigms I've got.

I'm hurting physically and emotionally, and that mefanamic acid pill I've got doesn't look like it'll help much.


SUNDAY:

The day is still young, but already, I found myself strewn on my bed, like two years ago on that fateful night that changed everything, muttering to whoever's listening:

"Ayoko na, ayoko na, ayoko na..."

I'm half-wishing I won't be as lucky as before. I feel the exact opposite of what I really am, as I'm not alone, I'm not unloved, and I'm looked out for by people who matter to me.

I don't know why, and I'm trying to get through this, but I don't know how to either.

current music: Break You Off - The Roots ft. Musiq

You Were a Toad

You drift into altered states of consciousness freely and easily. You also have the power to change luck and life a long life.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Ay pwede.

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Yey. I love the rain! And it really shows.

Your Taste in Music:

90's Alternative: Highest Influence 90's R&B: Highest Influence 80's R&B: High Influence 90's Hip Hop: High Influence Adult Alternative: High Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Yep. Now I know. Hmmm. But my iPod today doesn't have a lot of that kind of stuff...

You Should Be A Gemini

What's good about you: witty and energetic, you're simply the most fun to be around What's bad about you: you're flighty - losing interest in people and projects quickly In love: you enjoy the "honeymoon phase," but after that it's hard for you to stick around In friendship, you're: likely to have many groups of friends, with many different interests Your ideal job: mime, guru, or cartoonist Your sense of fashion: casual and simple You like to pig out on: fast food, especially burritos

What Sign Should You Be?

Hindi naman siguro. Especially on the fast food part. Pero tama siya sa fashion at sa friends part.


===============

Walang pasok ngayon at bukas. Sana nga lang hindi uulan. Kasi naman o. Nakaka-asar naman kung free day ka at trapped ka naman sa bahay, no?

Meantime, it'll be Annelle's housewarming on Monday. I wonder what to get her for her house? :0

from Annelle.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a
deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and
exclusively.

But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and
content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally
and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you
discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will
not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned
for you. You will never be united with another until you are united
with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other
desires or longings.

"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want
you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just
keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest
things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things
I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!

"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others
have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just
keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show
you.

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute
to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both
satsifeid exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared
for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.

"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to
see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy
materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and
perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you
utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."

current music: Chasing Echoes - Katelyn Tarver

Lovers
Arthur H Adams

I thought, because we had been friends so long,
That I knew all your dear lips dared intend
Before they dawned to speech. Our thoughts would blend,
I dreamed, like memories that faintly throng.
Your voice dwelt in me like an olden song.
Petal, I thought, from petal I could rend
The blossom of your soul, and at the end
Find still the same sweet fragrance. I was wrong.
Last evening in our eyes love brimmed to birth;
Our friendship faded, lost in passion's mist.
We had been strangers only! Here, close-caught
Against my heart the dim face I had sought
So long! And now the only thing on earth--
Your piteous mouth, a-tremble to be kissed!

current music: There There - Radiohead

There are reasons why things happen.
There are no freak accidents.
Everything is gift.

And so, you are here and you walk this path
because being here is what will open things for you
if not for yourself, but for everybody else.

You will fail, you will fall, you will tire.
But don't stop.
Don't.

============

I had this spat with my Dad about a few weeks ago. It was about law. I wanted out, and he gave the ultimatum that I ought to get a job, and my salary will have to pay for everything I spend: gas, food and rent. (yup. tenant daw.)

And I was game!

But you know how the weirdest things happen when you make these decisions?

Well, suddenly my uncle arrives to talk to Roel, my brother. My brother's issue, in contrast, is that his thesis for MAC is haveing trouble taking off. Reason being, the business team he's part of think he's the "epal member" of their team, and he's left out on a lot of the decisions. Recently, he's been trying to make a push for prominence, and he needed ideas/help/capital/whatever to make the business model of theirs work.

Guess who ended up quoting the Civil Law on contracts, and coming up with negotiation power-plays to get the legal upper-hand?

Pucha. "O kita mo? Lawyer nga!" yelped my family.

It also didn't help that this uncle of mine exterted the "pressure" by highlighting how the family needs a competent lawyer. WHICH IS SO TRUE, because:

1.) one unclie (siya) has 2 kids to his common-law spouse. who can't track down her first husband, and she is, as of today, still legally married to him.
2.) my other uncle married a single mom, and the kid's father ain't paying child support.
3.) my Dad's involved in a case where some asshole tried to swindle a plot of property that belongs to the family.
4.) don't get me started with my Mom's side.

---------------

Why, Lord? Is this what you want for me?


*sigh*

Kapit, kapit...

current music: Your Love - Alamid

On My (Very Likely) Giving Up the "Grand Manner"

Maybe it's time I finally accept that certain things, people, pursuits, goals, dreams and such just don't work for you. Just... don't. And that some things really just... do.

Where do I begin?

I know. I'll start with the easiest thing to rant about: school.

I'm at this impasse. I'm two weeks away from ending the semester and I'm facing finals and hand-destroying homeworks that must be passed in longhand.

And I've never been so un-motivated in my life.

Really. I'm really, really considering quitting law school. And I mean to just... not show up anymore.

And in so doing, giving up that outside shot to become Chief Justice, or to be ambassador of the country to England or France. I ought to stop daydreaming of driving that Ferrari, of owning that swanky flat in the city, of wining and dining women in posh restaurants or flying them around the world financed by my credit card and earnings as a high-powered attorney-of-law. I'll need to re-evaluate my power to get married and sending my kids to schools like Ateneo (and as of all the tuition raise talk at UP, that school looks tough too.) The mere IDEA of getting married looks trickier too.

I'm not happy here. I can run several reasons.

I gave up lots of opportunities to earn money straight out of college. Hell, some of those opportunities (editorial assistant, writing posts, ad agencies) from the people I've met (connections, fine) are what my peers would kill for. But I had to set them aside in favor of codals and cases.

I had to put aside the valuable time I once spent on getting/keeping fit. My health has hit a strange new low unheard of a year or even 2 years ago. I've always been overweight, but the past two years saw great improvement. I've lost all that work in two years in the first two months of law schooling. And it's not because of the pricey lunch-outs with classmates (because those were fun). I attribute it to lost sleep, to lost hours jogging, and, fine, the binges my blockmates indulge in that I share. And don't get me started on the blood-pressure spikes that classroom hours with profs create.

I've had to put away my draft notebooks and with them all those ideas for poems and stories that shan't ever see light of day. Hell, typing on blogs like this is the last bastion of my creativity. Already, I gave up applying for the Ateneo National workshop just to study my classes and earn a meager 2.0 in a Constitutional Law recitation and to fail the Persons midterms. I'm not growing artistically here. I'm growing only more and more sacrastic, more and more embittered.

Most painfully for me, is how my time is diverted from spending it with people I love. I think it doesn't need much extra explanation. Well. Maybe I'll only add about how many hours I've wasted on reading photocopies of these things, and it forced friends, relatives, and all other "loved ones" far, far into the background. I've made new friends and they're great. I've met several people who I can tell friends about with the famous "Hey... I met somebody" and they'd knowingly smile that familiar smile. But I'm not so dumb to think they'll ever replace the ones I've sacrificed a lot for over the years.

Hell, I don't even really get to go to Sunday mass or pray anymore. Really.

If anything, I've learned a few things here and there. Like how to survive high-pressure schooling the wrong way. Or how to cheat in tests and homeworks. Or how to flirt. Hmm. Not a good sign.

Yeah. I'm griping. But ultimately, I think it's not about being happy where you are, or taking pride in your situation. Sometimes you really can't because you know too little. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, commenting on how this rival soccer team manager boasted of having the best team in the world, said "Everybody things he has the prettiest wife at home." That's because we never see beyond our own punto de vista.

What would life be like away? What kind of work would a law school dropout (and Ateneo Creative Writing graduate) find?

I'll miss my friends. I'll miss Block D. I'll miss the funny moments we'd have trying to carve out a future in law. I'll have to live with never stomping around law library for that stupid Legal Bibliography homework (which, to this day, I CAN'T finish!) or never eating at Mommy's again. (Wait. No, maybe not that.) I'll need to deal with the piles of photocopied cases, the law books and the rest of the expenses my parents lovingly parted with to see me succeed in a world I never had planned to enter.

I don't regret applying and taking the test (because Lord knows what happened to me there. hehe). I just regret screwing around my personal priorities on what matters. I realize that I only wanted the glory, the stability of life, the G's. And that my original dream of Helping People got lost on the way. And that very dream can still be made real elsewhere.

I regret committing myself to that dream, knowing well what it'd take, but not knowing if it was the right dream for myself.

Granted. I'm learning a lot in law school and I've a lot more to learn too. But this? I dunno if I'm learning thing right things, at the right time.

Or, (which I personally hope to be true) that it wasn't a mistake. That, in some strange, only-God-knows way, my getting kicked out, or my dropping out, or my taking a leave, or whatever...

...all sort of opens something that I wouldn't ever have had without UP Law and law schooling "in the grand manner". (and if it's the case, it better be worth it.)

And I'm to decide whether it'll be my last two weeks and leave at the end of the sem. Or if I'll stick it till the end of the year, or, for that matter, stick as long as I'm capable of escaping the axe. Or if it's really goodbye as of right away.

Well. At the very least, I've made friends with 37 potential lawyers who can save my ass from jail someday. :p

current music: Your Call - Secondhand Serenade

(I just heard this 20 minutes ago, and I love it. Amazing. Lyrics c/o www.lyricsmania.com)

Your Call Secondhand Serenade lyrics

Artist: Secondhand Serenade Album: Awake Year: 2006 Title: Your Call

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and pollished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Because every breath that you will take
while you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
x4
( I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

What the fuck? I've been writing so much on these blogs, that I hardly get to get anything done. Well, no. That's not true. Blogging isn't the problem. It's how I manage my time. Observe:

7PM - fresh out of the UAAP defeat, Roel and I arrive at UP to pick up the readings I needed book-bound. Discovered I didn't have enough cash to pay, so we ended up using what little I had to treat him to dinner at Rodic's. Gastos, shet.

8PM - watched Project Runway with my kid sister. Actually understood a few extra things about women's fashion. Saw a dress that I'm DYING to buy, just to see how it'd look on Dearest. (Banana Rep na 'to! hahaha!) Checked email, Friendster, etc.

9PM - Starbucks. Parents know I'm headed to Katipunan to "pick up readings from a classmate who dorms in Katipunan" (ie: Charrie, Irish, Mowie, Carol, Charles, WHOEVER). Reality = it was the post-UAAP defeat cheering-up for May (who took offense to my statement "It sucks to lose, 'specially when you're there live, but I'm not THAT sad."). Met some of her friends at Starbucks. Had coffee and talked about all manner of stuff.

12PM - Cantina. Girl wanted a drink. Accompanied her, and helped drain some of her Red Horse, just to "lessen" her drinking. I go leave to get the car. She ends up spending time with this Babble dude she knew there at Cantina. And leaves the scene with exchanged cell numbers! ("May, magaling ka. Saan? Basta, magaling!")

1AM - Drove around Xavierville looking for a certain house of a certain guy she liked *cough*Rre....*cough*, with intent to crash/surprise. Yikee! Since he couldn't leave the house (strict ang Nanay), nauwi ito sa Neoatenes, kung saan si May ay naka-internet, at si Raph naka-gawa ng Days related work.

2AM - finally drove home.

3AM - spent a LOT of time talking to my still-awake kid brother. was AMAZED. He actually managed to convince me that I belonged in Law School. Something about how, given that I actually passed the test, and that I'm not failing everything but just one subject, I'm doing NOT SO BADLY. I go "No, you see, I'm taught that 'if you don't 100% want to be a lawyer, get out'." And he answers "See? The mere fact you can argue like that, further establishes that you're very capable of being a lawyer." 'Ika nga sa commercial, "Kumbinsing!".

4AM - Tried to sleep. Ended up listening to music with kid brother, before finally nodding off.

6AM - woke up. and chatted with long-lost highschool classmate Mark Yebra, who has presently moved to Seattle as an engineer for Boeing. Asenso!

7AM - right now. and no breakfast in sight. And still sleepy/drowsy, but will soon head to UP to collect those readings. (none of which I've read for today!)

At present I am financially raped. Biro mo, yung baon ko for the week, halos ubos sa isang gabi! Ggranted, I get very little in terms of parent's giving allowance compared to most, but that's no excuse. Looks like Charrie will have to wait another week. Hahaha. (Like it matters.)

Haay. I can't live my life this way.

1.) Star Wars: Empire at War for the PC is a video game with a CD made out of crack cocaine. SHIT man. Video games can kill, I say.


2.) Nagtatampo si Den na hindi ko daw nababasa ang blog posts nya. Which is true. I hardly EVER really read posts of people anymore. Hence, I'm no longer finicky if you've got a mile-long post not sealed in LJ-cuts. And in turn, I only comment if and when I really read the post. Something to do with short attention span.

Raph: Yeah, I don't read them so much anymore, I just go and straight-out do the blog thing.
Den: But that's SELFISH!
Raph: Well, THAT'S PART OF WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME LATELY, DAMMIT!
*laughter*

Wala lang. A testament to how good friends I am with Den: I actually let her get away with calling me selfish.

...wait a sec...

Lagot sakin ang bruhang yan bukas. :p


3.) Which brings me to school. I like school so far. I just HATE how it makes me feel tired, lethargic and uninspired.


4.) If somebody can find me a job, I will forever sing your praise.

Why? Well, I'm going to need a backup plan, in case the mid-year grades don't let me re-enroll. Which only happens if I fail 9 units worth of my 16 units. Which I DON'T think will happen, but in my experience, I find that I like to over-prepare. Very law student of me, you see.

And even if I pass, at least I can take the evening classes, which (I hear) are easier on their students. Evening class was the original plan anyway, except for the fact that my folks wouldn't let me attend evening. Something about adjusting and all that.

So yeah. Praise and song. Unless it pays like crap.


5.) Long weekend was spent in Canyon Woods, Tagaytay. Real cool shit. Pity my camera was out of comission.

Imagine you're driving through a cloud. The mountains this rainy season were SO cool! There was this really thick fog that covered the mountain, and it made everything through the mist look dream-like and surreal. And the breeze was cold. Darned cold, I cursed that my scaf and jacket were in the wash and unavailable! At least I didn't cough; that one's cured somehow.


6.) One thing I missed: NOW TV, this channel that once featured a never-ending broadcast of video game programming. Never heard of it? Of course not. It used to be on Destiny Cable and It's Darned Hard To Find.

Why am I writing about this? Because the Canyon Woods casitas ACTUALLY CARRIED THAT CHANNEL. Sadly, it's fallen under dark times, that channel. Now it's only got an endless loop of 4 shows: The Circuit, Earth&Space, the Austrailain Triathlon and Quake Republic, its last gaming show. All the gamer.tv shows are gone, and everything else is a rerun. Sad.


7.) Like every out-of-town trip I take, it had the usual problem: Di Nakakatulog Si Raph. Hence, I'm undergoing a "mini-influenza", and I hope I can wake up in time for class tomorrow. Wherein my prof for Legal Bibliography will (figuratively) kick me in the nuts. Again.


8.) PLUG! The Theosophical Bookstore (my "current company" technically) will feature in that big booksale at Wold Trade Center, come August 30 to September 3! Please come! And buy buy buy!

Wala lang. Baka makita ninyo ako dun nambebenta ng libro. :) And they're nice books too!


9.) I don't miss my old job. I like it and all its perks. I just wish they'd pay me what I'm worth. After all, ever since I got onboard as manager, we only, oh, DOUBLED our sales.

As of this moment (and for most of the afternoon really) there's this bit of me that is very happy that I am slow, dense and un-perceptive. I'm glad I'm not reckless. I'm delighted that I sabotage my own affairs. I'm happy that I'm not a "catch", and those who think I am don't pick up.

I'm terrified too.

Because in a very realy way, it might have been me ending up doing the hurting. And I'm terrified, that if, (AND A BIG IF IT IS) things keep up the way I feel it would go... I will.

Whatever. Forget I said anything.

1.) Playing basketball with law students is both fun and both hellish. It's fun because it's basketball and it's played to a good level. It stinks because they'll always try to weasel you with arguing over whether or not that last play had a foul, or whatever. Annoying, but at least it's better than brain-dead playmates who can't plan.

2.) Never NEVER again will I waste an evening having fun when I could've gotten at least an extra hour in worth of writing digests. I hate writing digests. The fact that these ones are now mandatorily imposed makes it suck the more.

3.) I'm not as sick as I was a week ago. The coughing's down, likely from the fact that the infection's largely cured. Everybody else in the house is ill, however, and they're showing the same stuff I used to have. Haha.

4.) I like my single-hood, but I do yearn. And yet, I'm not yearning THAT BADLY YET.

(that, or I'm being picky because...)

5.) Law school? Well, I'm NOT happy but I know I can still tolerate.
I amaze myself at what stupidity I'm "selling out for" in order to secure a relatively stable future for myself.
I mean, I can help other people in loads of different ways. I can't make money as easily. And Law lets me do both. Even if Law SCHOOL stinks.

(That's 'cause the whole process of legal education doesn't make any sense anymore; too much suffering for too little learning.)

6.) Yeah. It's still you.
Sad, no?

current music: Milk - Garbage

I have the feeling that I'm trading away, everyday, a life of greatness for something so mediocre, so commonplace.

I mean that in several ways.

It's so funny.

True, the last 24 hours have not been pleasant...

But...
the simple fact that somebody remembered me one morning, and let me know about it...

It's funny how it can give your day such a nice lift, you know?

Well, it definitely did for me. Never no mind how small, pointless and trite a thing it may be.

Hehehe. mmm. Not too shabby a day, I say. c:

Thank you.

current music: Straight, No Chaser - Miles Davis & John Coltrane

So yeah. I'm a very bad law student. Why?

Because in lieu of being miserably sad, studying and feeling sorry for myself, I actually had a lot of fun this weekend.

List form, as usual:
- slept Friday night at 2 AM, woke up Saturday at 10 AM. Yeah! Sleep!

- New bookshelf finally in place at the house! Went about hunting for the books we had at home, and tucking them away in their new homes. Really fun. I now have a shelf FINALLY themed according to topic and preferences! (like, how a whole row is full of poetry, or how another is where my all-time faves hide).

- Lunch with LnK'ers Rio, Migo, Mia, Jason Mationg, Meggie, VJ, Enzo, Kat, Miggy Delgado, Nigel.

- Tutored Rio in English poetry. I freaking missed teaching, let alone teaching POETRY, which I love. To somebody who actually understood me!

- Ia catches up with the LnK gang. Everybody goes ahead. Rio and I stay with Ia and I do a run of fortune-telling for her. For a good two hours. Amazing fun, and I learned quite an interesting load of stuff about everybody around me. I got a better glimpse of "the evil that roams free" (whom I am not priviledged to name, but you might know who), and Rio cheats the fortune-telling by use of multiple reads regarding one person. Hmph.

- Car ride to Ateneo High. Played soccer with everyobdy. I got to score my very first goal! It came when Paeng kicked the set piece to Debbi, whose shot was blocked. I merely scrapped the ball and flicked a right foot to inside the near post. Fun stuff. We won, but I forgot why. Golden goal, I think. Hehe.

- Seven-11 trip after. Had to park at Fruit Magic, after dropping off most of everybody at Seven-11. Bought myself a bottle of strawberry Soy Magic (and I missed that stuff, dammit).

- Arrived at Seven-11, bought a snack. Caught up with May! Ia arrives also. Introductions all around. Also decided to do my "shopping" for drinks. Rio taught me this wicked cool mango drink they had once, so I learned up, and bought the ingredients (that's 7-up, beer, gin and Tang). May also recommended Or-gy as well, so I snapped up a bottle of that too.

- Accompanied May to National Bookstore. Chance encounter with BJ, who is from TA, and friend of May's. We head to National to pick out a VCD of "The Crime of Padre Amaro", the movie May has been hunting for. After the purchase, the two stay behind in Cantina. I move further down to get into my car.

- Back to Seven-11. Encountered Muffy and her boyfriend. More coolness ensues. When Ia left, we all went our own ways too. I drove the Pagdanganan brothers and Rio back to their homes, as Patch's birthday bash was nearby (Visayas Ave area).

-
*Raph changing radio stations in car, using side-of-steering-wheel controls*
Migo: Paano mo nai-iba yung stations?
Raph: Uh... May button dito sa...
Migo and Paeng: ANG COOOOOL!!!
Migo: Shit Raph, I like your car.

Well, I like my car too. :D

- Driving to Patch's I got lost. And a cab cut me off, so one of the beer bottles broke. Crap. Decided right then and there I wouldn't catch up with the rest of Block 1-D to Twilight, the UP Law party at Phi Bar (like I had a ticket anyway, or money for it).

- Finally arrives at birthday party. Said hi to Tin B., to Nonon, to Patch's "Freonds" (barkada), and her classmates from FEU Nursing. Also said hellos to the "elders", namely her folks and her barkada's parents (well, those who came chaperoned). With many of her friends being Dayzers, it reminded me of a Round.

- Went to kitchen after eating. Started mixing.

- Went back to kitchen. Damned drink was a hit! Tin had to leave early; had to study. Boo! Interesting mental note: siya na ang presidente ng NPA (Naloko ng Pisay Association). Ouch! Must remember that line.

- Patch's parents start begging me for the recipie of the mango cocktail I mixed. Much to my surprise. I indulge them, as outside it started to look like Ladies' Night, with girls getting giddier with the drinks.

- I chill out in the later hours of the party watching Maria Sharapova play on TV over some coffee Mr. Joven made for me. Really nice too. Helped me stay awake for the car drive back home.

- Woke at 12 Noon, to a breakfast/lunch of pasta, glorious pasta. Also remembered that France (with Thierry Henry's goal) sent Brazil packing out of this year's World Cup. Hah! I knew it! It was always all about the French!

- Manny Pacquiao beats Oscar Larios into a bloody mess. Tsk. I orignally thought Pacquiao would learn and stop being so cocky before the fight. Turns out, yeah; he really has come into his own as a boxer. Really good. Just that he looked real tired come rounds 10, 11 and 12. But he still won with the decision going his way.

- I am officially addicted to House. Damn, that show is good! It's about a doctor named Gregory House, who is a real jerk. But he's a brilliant diagnostician. And it's not only darned funny (because, like I said, the protagonist is a real jerk), it's also very compelling shit. Hey, it's making my sister actually want to be a doctor at long last! It's gotta say something about how it makes medicine look cool. Also, I love how much head-tripping insight their writers pack the show with all the time. I essentially marathoned through the afternoon watching that show on the DVD my parents have (both season 1 and 2!). Hehe.

Now? I write this, with my Jazz playlist running. Miles Davis and Yoko Kanno and Nina Simone are love.

current music: Tattooed on My Mind - Sitti

Again, I wonder if anybody reads this. Hmm. Well, it's here, so I'll update. If anybody does read this, kindly send some kind of sign. At least so I know I'm not wasting priceless minutes typing. Hehe.

Well. What's new?

1.) I have a new car! Well, it's not really MY new car. They just sold the big green "school bus ng block E" Starex for a sleek black Chevy Optra, automatic with a nicer stereo. I was half-hoping Dad would pick up the Mazda3 or the Mazda6, but that's out of our budget. Tsk.

I like my car! I just have to share it with my sister and brother. AND I have to deal with the fact that my parents still insist I be chauffered around by Ragma everywhere I go. So every RARE moment I do get to drive, I feel my driving skill dull. And I'm still unaccustomed to my new set of rear-view mirrors. Hmph.

I miss they way my old car smelled.

2.) I am now learning how to be a bassist.

Yep. No joke.

Y'see, Dad made a whole new set of friends who, in their idle parties, break out with this big drum set, a whole bunch of guitars and other musical instruments and just jam. Even if they don't know how to play! Enjoy, so they say. And for this reason, Mom bought Dad a bass guitar.

Now, I've been wanting to play SOMETHING since high school, and Roel DID try teaching me guitar, and that didn't work out. But when I picked up that bass and played... well. It's not so hard when Roel teaches me; he just tells me what notes to hit, and I just rock away. He even writes the tabs for me, so I pretty much just "Do what he says". Although, I am already trying my hand in "kapa", or figuring out how to play songs by ear (Charles Wright's "Express Yourself" as an example). He'll play the song in guitar, and I provide bass. And it sounds okay, except for my "newbie errors" like slipping fingers and lost rhythm here and there.

I now know the basslines for these songs:
- Freshmen - The Verve Pipe
- Kung Wala Ka - Hale
- Sleep All Day - Jason Mraz
- Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band
- Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

and there's one more. But I can't remember, nor do I really practice that song 'cause I'm not too fond of it. It's got this lyric: "I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life" in the chorus. Hmm.

Oh. You know what's the kicker? Right now, it's Tuesday evening. I only started learning last Friday night. :)

3.) Law school? Well...

Don't look now...

But despite the days like today where I'd do anything to let out some stress, or where I wish I were employed or where I could do away with the disgust the Socratic Method brings...

I think I'm actually starting to really REALLY want this law business for myself. Really.

I just hope I won't dig myself into something I can't get out of, nor want to be in.

4.) I had a talk with Cy last Saturday. I had a chat with Patch this evening. Then there was Rio too. And May too, a few days ago. Pretty much, all these confidants of mine, each of differing levels of "access" to my life's adventures caught up with me this week. Interesting how they all had their own trials, adversities and lost opportunities each. And how one person's story enriches what I have to say to the other person.

Wise? Me? Naah. I just live.

Truth be told, I started digging into LJ posts of people I found on the Friends pages of my LJ friends, or start using stories about other confidants, or things I saw in my Law casebooks, just to drive home the points I wanted to get to them, each one a different story. They all had their own thing to settle. It was intensely rewarding to just talk, never mind if I'm already way behind schedule with my readings.

I really ought to start tape-recording the things I tell them. Note: what I tell them, not what they say to me.

Because I feel sometimes like I need to hear from somebody else what I tell other people.

5.) Haha. Ninang Clar, don't ever worry. I'll never date smokers. :p

6.)

Well now. Athena Cage's "You" still says it best.

current music: the Samurai X soundtrack song "1/3".

Yep. Pessimist Raph is checking in once more.

I have a very sinking feeling (now that I'm sick again) that I really won't last very long on this planet. Which isn't so bad. I just wish that I could finish that book before it all wraps up.

It's kinda simple. There's this character (a guy, for my initial draft) who passes away. And he leaves, in his will, a whole buttload of letters that need to be delivered to different people, all who are not really connected to each other. They all only have one thing in common: dead guy knew all of them, at one point or another in his life. It's anybody - the girl he first had sex with, the classmate who beat him up once, the woman he never quite forgave for breaking his heart, that best friend who was always there, the person who he never quite liked but left him some great insight, anybody. His parents get letters too. And people don't get just one; some are special and get several. And each letter is sort of "time-released", like, you couldn't open your second letter until after 2 years you read the first. Like, he was still pulling strings even when he was gone.

And so my story goes. The story will be shown by nothing but the letters he left, and in those passages you see what dead guy was like. In my drafts, many of those letters were based (and addressed) to real people I met, from different points of my existence.

And ironically that I'm writing this 'novel' as I myself contemplate how short life is and all that. But I dunno. I don't really feel it'll be a hit or whatever. The point will be that people will read it, but un nga, maybe when I'm already gone. That'll be years from now, hopefully. And that 'novel' will be my farewell to the people I wouldn't quite get to say goodbye to.

I dunno. The stinking part of my situation is how Law School chews up a lot of my free time. If it's not by directly diverting my time, it's how the pressure makes it harder to be creative, or honest in my writing. Right now, I'm typing this and this is actually as 'naked' as I get personally, in my blogs. I'm not like this in my LJ or my Multiply, if only because I think fewer people read this one.

And that's the thing. I secretly dream that somehow, people I love read this. Because I've no other way.

I know you're family. I love you.

But I can't stand hypocrites. I really hate that. And I hate how you flat-out refuse to listen to me when you make such decicions, such acts. How you'd tell me to behave one way (like, um, "Iiving within our means"??) and how you do the exact opposite (like today - lavishing things on yourselves, and hold back when your children ask for, ya gotta admit, so little).

It's not about the money. We're above that as a family. I think. I hope, for you anyway.

It's about the PRINCIPLE. Like, when you, decades ago, were two of many people of your time fighting against a tyrant who worked hard and made the country richer, BUT wasted it all on worthless junk, shoes, useless buildings, etc.

Now I feel trapped in my own house, with rules that keep me down, while you go on mirror the above example (albeit in a much smaller scale).

It's awful. It's contemptuous and disgusting, but I can't do anything because you're my folks and I'm supposed to shut up about it, and drop it.

(Of course I won't drop it. You want me to be a lawyer with principle? Watch me; I'll remember this shit, and others just like it.)

current music: Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go

She said "I've gotta be honest,
you're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
And I said "You must be mistaken,
cause I'm not fooling...this feeling is real."
She said...she said "You gotta be crazy.
What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?"
"No, you've got wits, you've got looks,
you've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong."

all wrong.
all wrong.
but you got me...

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

and I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
for so long i thought i was asylum bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side.
You've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?

tonight.
tonight.
but you've got me...

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

A-Days Ingenuity At Work

I was looking through the Housing Box as per Perry's request, and I find this.


Di ba flammable yung mga pentel pen? Yung tipong pwedeng sumabog?
*slaps forehead*
Ah well.

Cross-Posted from my LJ... A Tribute to 3 "M's" for the Past 3 Days

current music: Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What A Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole


wow. coincidence kaya puro M?


Monday




Michiko, this really isn't supposed to count, given that I'm still bound to see you tomorrow! but thanks for brightening up an otherwise VERY dull day! pansin ko for the past 3 years, walang LnK summer na di tayo nagkwentuhan, and i'm grateful to be blessed that way.

This is for time hanging out at della, for RENT, for english exam paper grading, for "friendly letters" from our students (tulad ng "magbago ka na!" and "i know you're fat!"), for "unfinished kwentuhan", for photo ops at katipunan (kasama nina Paeng, Migi, Rio, et al), for helping me find a ride... thanks. and God bless sa Days mo this weekend! :)


Sunday




May, thanks for Starbucks last night! Thanks for remembering me after your friends backed out, for making that phone call, for letting me rant about my kid brother's icky "isyu" with Julie, and for all the Venti's our planner stubs afforded us. I barely slept last night because of all the damned coffee! Asar! pero oks lang, enjoy pa rin.

Thanks for manghuhula spreads, for informally inviting me to your debut (kahit baka hindi matuloy, hehe, it's still nice to be invited) and for that keychain from baguio. sayang lang yung Baguio gimik mo hindi naging okey. pero di bale - sana kahit papaano, bumawi ka sa 'bad trip' kagabi.


Saturday



What's left to say? I love you Mela Dearest. You're the best. :) Sana nag-enjoy ka sa iyong one-day vacation. Thanks for being an angel to everybody there, for iPod music tripping, for all the catching up, for letting me see Dimitri, the laughs, the ideas I can use for my job, and for your company which I treasure.

Oo, medyo nabanas nga lang ako nung hapon/gabi [kasi nawala yung aking cross...and it embarrasses me to remember why it got lost in the first place...:s]. Still, I had a blast, and it wouldn't have been anywhere near as nice without you. [at wala nang bola yun. hehe]

Oh, and kindly thank your folks for me too for letting you come along, and for being so nice to me and my family. And I hope your first day at work rocked! :D


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Sa uulitin muli...