If you must notice, this blog is broken. Something's terribly wrong with the lay-out, and until I get a (fixed) copy of it from my PC downstairs, kindly refrain from reading it.

Moral of the story: back-up your blog templates.

Will be back.

current music: Theme song from One Tree Hill. ooh yeah. (will put link to OTH site here soon)

Today was used up:

1.) attending Philo and Theo, two favorite classes of mine (kasi medyo mataas-taas grades ko dyan. ehehehe.)

2.) Waiting for Javie and Rap to finish their critique of "Darkroom"

3.) Talking to Den, who was sick, and trying to cheer her up. Did it work? I don't think so, because when you're sick, no amount of "It's gonna be okay"'s will really cure you, right?

4.) Recieving a critique from Mel, Martin, Javie and Rap. Shet.

Know what? I'm starting to think I'm not a "born writer" after all. Especially today, when my eyes were rubbed and the dirt removed, and I realized I write "rhythm, rhyme, music, nonesense and poor logic" (which is still important in art, either way).

5.) Tambay over lunch (cheese sauce pasta + four seasons juice + donuts = picks me up anytime). Cracked jokes across the board. Fun fun fun.

6.) Talking to Mel with Julian to try cheer her up from her tiff with Martin. Wahahaha. I should be named "Unofficial Pubroom Therapist"

7.) Waited for my brother, who took the car while I wasn't looking, to go back to Ateneo and pick me up. Hehe. Funny.

8.) Play FIFA. malamang. La viv Real Madrid baby. And Arsenal pa rin ako. Thierry Henry (French name pronounced Han-REE) is a rock star.

9.) Nanood ng Season Finale of "One Tree Hill" after dinner. All the more I loved that show, after seeing its first season end.

Ganda-ganda ng nangyari kay Nathan at Lucas: fighting half-brothers worls apart making peace in ways unheard of in MY OWN HOUSEHOLD? Naisip ko: ba't wala akong natural born siblings like that, when this dude has a half-brother who loves him to bits? Shet.Can that happen in my household? I don't know. I'm skeptical.

current music: na LSS ako sa "Masaya" ni Bamboo!

I'm in bad need of a new addiction, SO I'm thinking of taking a walk to "Mr. Pirata's Pirated Video Game Store Along Katipunan" and buy Spinter Cell 2: Pandora Tomorrow today!

Or I'll just sit here and try to figure out what to do with that darn library book.

Anybody know where I can find Pablo Neruda's "The Captain's Verses"?

(no, Ebay is out of the question. I need it as soon as possbile)

Oh yeah, I wrote something new. I'll post it soon.

I'm watching "About A Boy" all over again on Star Movies. Good way of getting rid of some weird comings and goings in my head.

Fascinating how the script is so smartly written! Particularly when the main character Will, falls in love (really falls in love) and explains what's it really like. Hehehe.

Watching a film like this makes me think: where shall I take my masters? In New York or London? I've been pining for the Big Apple since I was a boy, but man... I can't quite say No to a, shall we say, "more civilised" people. hehehe.

Know what? The funny things about Doc Garcia's Philo class are:

1.) I tend to be his "favorite" in getting candid responses for his funky questions. Seriously! He asked "what happens to a person who falls in love? How do you know?" and queried one dude. He didn't get the answer he wanted, so went straight to me! ahahaha! (No, I can't remember what I said as response.)

2.) His style of teaching Philo is that something like a world class soccer striker: get the ball, and shoot and shoot and shoot. Once he starts talking, he'll go on and on and on. Sometimes, he'll mention something fantastic, and then he'll miss over and over, and then he'll hit on a different insight that uplifts. It can get tiring, but it's nice.

3.) Whenever he talks about "intersubjectivity", or "solitude and being alone as distinct" and stuff like that, I can't help but feel so isolated. And it haunts in ways worse and more powerfully than Julian's choices of music (which are more often than not, darn catchy ditties).

"The artist, the painter, the future lawyer, the basketball player all at one point, need to sacrifice time with others, but in effect, can be more expressive of their selves."

Wala lang. I'm averaging close to a C+ in his class, but it's rapidly my second favorite subject after Sir Yuson's class.

I'm not sure if I've either spent too much time away, not spending enough time or effort with others, or that other's just can't see me. I like being on my own whenever I can, but I hate being left alone. And for the most part, that's been essentially my story for all this month.

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Paper is due tomorrow. Wow.

Will be offline for a large portion of the time, then back online again. Go figure.Tomorrow, I'm slated to watch UP Streetdance peroform at UP Theater, and an hour or so prior to that it'll be spent at UP, for the book launch of "Love's a Vice", a set of translations of Mike Bigournia's poetry.

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Last night at Aria was lots of fun! It's a shame I had to leave after Sir Larry's poem. Talagang pinilit ko lang ang sarili kong panoorin sina Sir Larry at Sir Allan. I know I missed Waps sing, and I'll never forgive myself if I missed Ma'am Beni or Kael Co read their works too. (noo! nakita ko si Kael non! please, Jess, please sana di ko nalampasan yun!) I'm glad however, I did NOT miss Waps, Sir Egay nor Naya read their works.

NAYA VALDELLEON IS THE GODDESS OF POETRY! ALL HEATHENS SHALL HEAR HER GLORIOUS WORKS AND DESPAIR!

Kung may "teardrops" na expression sina Monix, dito naman ang bunganga ko ang nanlaglag nang narining ko ang kanyang mga salita! Hotness! She's the best!

I guess it was the texts for me to return home that got me running. That, and the idea of resting at long last after a much-missed hot meal. I was already tired and hungry too, and the people I hoped to hang out with had other company, so fine. I just went home on my own, albeit early. It's really just like that.

I'm still hanging on to what Ma'am Beni said: "Na isang araw babasahin din ang mga salita mo at papalakpakan!" Haay. Ma'am Beni, sana hindi ko masasayang ang tiwala ninyo sa akin.

...

Now time for a glass of water.

The universe is not cooperating with me today. The car is color-coded so I can't leave school until past 7. Ordinarily, Roel is supposed to take public transportation home, but as I type this he's in McDonald's asking me to drive him home. This puts my sched out of whack! I'm slated to attend the Aria readings (which will start shortly) in dela Costa, and that'll take maybe all evening!

And then, I'm further rattled with Julian's Mom texting me to go to RSF. I just got the message a few minutes ago asking me to go to RSF "in 5 mins" which was dated whole three hours ago! Shit!

Ngarag talaga, punyemas. Kung sana lang may initiative si Roel umuwi ng mag-isa (dahil Wednesday naman eh), kung hindi lang nag-lag ang Smart sa text na pinadala ni Tita Tinna, kung sana lang hindi lahat ito nangyari habang ako'y nagre-research para sa paper ko due sa Friday!!!

Shit shit shit.

I'm losing interest in Monopoly Tycoon. Hehehe. I fed my addiction so much I've lost interest in it already. I need to get into something new. Something to use my time with (apart from literature, reading, study and the like). That, or I need a new book again.

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Me and my mom went and covered books in plastic. The two of us sort of bonding, while cutting plastic and taping them around the book covers. I think my folks approve of the fact that I'm reading so much again, after so long. They've always thought all I did was play on the PC (which they always see me do whenever they arrive home), so reading is a good thing.

It was there I realized how large my reading list is today. Check:
"Skin, Voices, Faces" - Danton Remoto
"Promising Lights" - D.M. Reyes
"Buena Vista Ventures" - Alfredo Salanga
"Father Poems" - collection, edited by Sir Krip and Jimmy Abad
"100 Love Poems: Philippine Love Poetry Since 1900" - collection, also edited by Sir Krip and Jimmy Abad. bias kasi teacher ko si Krip. hehe.]
"The Nymph of MTV" - Angelo Suarez
"Salvaged Poems" - Eman Lacaba [a favorite of mine now]
"Alipato" - Ma'am Beni Santos [another rakstar favorite book. bias kasi mentor. hehe.]
"The Time Machine" - H.G. Wells [almost lost this book, found it at last]
"Letters to a Young Poet" - Rainer Maria Rilke [re-reading this.]

and there was one more, but I can't remember it. I think I also gave a cover to the new Senior's Folio of Heights, para masabi na sa akin talaga siya. hehehe.

Yes, it's a large list, but trust me, they're all relatively short books. :p And the cool thing about a book of poems is that you'll never get tired of them. That's because nobody reads a book of poems from cover to cover (unless you're like some people I know). I open the book, and read what I see, then move on. I'll stop when I'm done with one, think it over, then read another. It's like a box of pizza: you don't need a "left to right" system to pick the slice you want.

There are also 4 library books to my name:
"Los Versos del Capitan (The Captain's Verses)" - Pablo Neruda
"The New Poetry" - a collection of modern works from British writers and people who lived in Britain, published in the 1950's, so they's Anne Sexton, Sylvia Plath, and others I'm not familiar with because they're British.
"Poetics" - Aristotle
"The Art of Poetry" - Valery

I don't remember who the translators are. The books are downstairs. I'll return them by Monday, in order to make way for "real academics".

If you don't approve of anthing in my collection of reading material, please comment FAST. I don't know if what I'm reading right now is good (except for Gelo Suarez's work, which I'm not that fond of, now that I've re-read it a few times].

Gack. I'm reverting to my 6-8 year-old self, the fat kid who kept his nose in books all day. :( Only this time, I'm reading "real" literature instead of Biology books and Choose-Your-Own-Adventures.

But I gotta do this again, if I wanna be good at what I do.

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By the way, my brother's playing in Conspiracy (the new bar along Visayas Ave) tonight. I hear he's fronting for Cynthia Alexander or something. I'll head there later to see. Mga 10 PM pa naman daw, so I'll leave later. Nood din kayo, kung wala rin kayong gagawin. Wish him luck.

current music: Masaya - Bamboo

Today is Wednesday. The car is stuck in Ateneo until 7 PM and my classes end at 4:30 PM. And I drive for Roel to school early in the morning.

So this Wednesday, I decided that it shall be my "recharge" day. I believe I needed this because, well, I've got a number of projects, papers and long test on queue this coming week.

Thus, I trooped to Hobby Stop this morning and played some FIFA. They didn't have FIFA 2004, so I settled for FIFA '02 (Seaman was still Arseneal's goalie then) and this Japanese version of FIFA called "Total Football". It was fun, either way.

I'm also at the Internet Cafe (next to Blueskies) and blogging, while having lunch. Yes, I am, as one girl from my past put it, "wasting money". I've spent more than my quota, true, but I feel it's high time I relax in ways I've not done in a while. And besides, I was able to attend my class and return to the PS2 afterwards.

Speaking of classes, I attended today a lecture by Fr. Nebres. That guy's good. He's also pretty cool, albeit in a "geeky sort of way". You know, he exhudes his brilliant mind, but doesn't "dumb down" his speech, his vocab or whatever to compromise his smarts. That to me is always good, but, well... you won't win everybody over (and thus, some of us in the audience were bored, but didn't dare sleep in the presence of the University President).

Up next: some "chill" time in the library, a class at 3:30, Philosophy readings for tomorrow, and maybe some TV or Monopoly Tycoon. All not in that order, of course.

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Ominous Sign of the Day:

Daily Overview for September 15, 2004
Provided by Astrology.com
Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:
Today will be like a milkshake: thick and slow-moving, but ultimately tasty.

Overview:
You've been thinking about someone who's been missing from your life for far too long, and wondering what to do about it. Stop wondering and start dialing. You could be sharing stories before you know it.

Surprisingly, the first one's already becoming true. Now for the second... damn. Ayoko pa.

If you know why I keep my secrets, woman, you'd never want to speak to me again.

EDIT: I did not end up going to the library nor to my FA class as planned due to inclement weather. In short, I got rained in soaking wet. I'm trying to dry off in this air-conditioned lab.

I can't help but feel sentimental whenever it rains. I don't know. I really could use someone to talk freely to.

I realized last night that my grades today are bad because they won't make the Dean's List. Bitin pa ng konti.

(GOD it feels good to say that!)

But yes. For once, I'll agree with my Mom and Dad that I'm underachieving, particularly because my teachers are supposed to be the "good ones" who lecture well and are a "soft touch on grades" (as one of them puts it). With the semester more than halfway done, I don't agree they're all easy. But I concur with friends that they're good lecturers.

And yes. I'm happy I'm no longer failing. Shifting out of a course you don't like CHANGES EVERYTHING, especially your perception of your "work" as a whole.

I won't lie: I like a lot of what I'm learning. It just doesn't show on my papers and quizzes that I'm learning anything at all. :p

Maybe I can start there.

But yes. I want to make the DL. If not, I'll have to take that 5th year. And I don't necessarily want that. (although it'd be cool. hehe.)

current music: Wala, pero nasa isip ko pa rin ang "99 Problems"

I still wish Jay-Z won Best Video. It's the only Jay-Z song I really liked. But fine, mas boto ko naman ang Outkast.

Although I play 99 Problems more often now. Perfect stress relief, especially with the loud guitars blasting with rage. Sarap.

For once, my blogger is working. I've been quiet for the past few days. I hated it. I can't quite put anything decent on, primarily because the cookie settings of Blogger don't allow me that much freedom to keep writing and writing over long periods of time.

In any case, I'm still going to write; just not here as much as I used to (which clocked at least eight posts a week, skipping one day). Now, I'm more often found at my Livejournal account, but even that one I don't keep as much. Those who know it, please keep it a secret.

Meantimes, I've got an hour before the A-Days meeting starts. I've got to get lunch, and maybe sneak in some library time to look for good books. (Books are pretty expensive these days, no?)

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Di na magiging participant si Tine. Tsk.

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One thing I HATE doing: I hate admitting I'm "a struggling writer". Struggle to get things to be good, yeah, I guess I'm that. But I know when and where I can define struggle. I've really drowned myself in my inabillities from the span of 4th year high and throughout 2nd year. YON ang struggle: walang maisulat, walang matinong maisip, and yet people still remember you as having a desire (and maybe, just maybe a gift) with the pen.

I hated those days, and I fear they're coming back.

I'm learning, yes. I fancy myself as a fast learner. But no matter how fast I think I learn, I've still got A LOOOOONG way to go.

And it doesn't help that I'm always forced to do things on my own. Since birth, and with the exception of some anomalies here and there, I've had to shoulder, solider on. I hate it.

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I'm still kind of upset, and I can't get it out via catharsis. I don't understand, but I don't think I'll need to. I'm just going to try live with it, and put the long-term hopes out of my mind for a while.

I'll still force myself to put down words, but I guess I won't need to be in such a hurry to get the good right away. Slowly, maybe, is what I should go for. I've got much to learn, much to live anyway.

(It's just that when you're overweight and prone to disease and lives in a family of cancer, diabetes, asthma among other things, you can't help but you won't live very long, no matter how hard you work our, no matter how hard you try.)

Maybe shutting myself out with work is all I need. Yeah. Work. Lots and lots of it.

current music: Pieces of Me - Ashlee Simpson

I wrote a long post, and it all vanished. Stupid, stupid internet.

Will re-try later.

"Stone, Papyrus, Clay"

Of what happened to the records,
those giant black discs left behind
by my grandfather after the stroke,

I don't know. I'm led to believe
a needle will pierce in vain
clots in the main arterial

groove that allows the system
grainy tunes from these spinning
raven circles of song. I sigh;

we hadn't copied the lost treasures to tapes,
and in turn, CD's and MP3's.
I thus settle for television, MTV's of black men

confessing sins to girlfriends about
illicit children. Their pulpit rhymes
leave my mind, but shall cloister

in plastic discs, microchips, tapes,
'till its descendants come
(online). Our grandchildren

shall think us starved
for skin that flickers
on-screen. Would they know that

as they'll tend to my deathbed
they'll search my music,
convert my wealth

to whatever currency, translation
is left to civilization?
I sit, write, remember

how Lolo would tell me (music playing in the back)
of Him whose golden legacy
was to compose an invisible kingdon:

laws in stone,
words on papyrus
followers of clay.

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(in case you saw this today, I edited it)
'ika nga ni Waps, beat poetry daw. yeeeey. :)
DISCLAIMER: di pa siya tapos!!

The sooner you read this, the longer we'll stay friends, whoever you are.

Reading the Inquirer and seeing Sir Egay, Naya and Aste, I realize it'd be beautiful to be recognized for my literary work. But I do keep in mind it's not why I write.

Why do I write? The magic of my career path is simple: I GET TO BE NOBODY BUT ME.

In Philo we asked ourselves, if I peeled away all the other things... my being a son, being a kuya, being a Dayzer or LnK'er or Atenean, who am I? It's the challenge I face and relish in literature.

I am simply myself. I speak what's on my mind, I say what I think, I write what I want, I do what I do on my terms. I know what's right and wrong, and I do what my heart tells me is right. You can say what you want, and I'll listen and take it into consideration, but my decisions are still my decisions.

If anybody's threatened by it, I won't apologize. I've done no harm to anyone by being myself. In fact, fuck you if you're not open enough to understand.

current music: Ecerybody Hurts - R.E.M.


Today was okay. But first, thank you to the people who wished me luck for my Philo Orals today.

And for the most part, I was surprised. I spent the last two days doing my usual routines, with the addition of extra hours reading the text. I started committing to memory things like the difference between Marcel and Descartes' ideas of the human self, or how Marcel believes human life is centered in something other than himself. (side note: the latter is something I believe very, very deeply in)

Right as I entered the room, it was somewhat "friendly", then switched straight to "ice cold". :p Isip ko agad "showtime!"

Then Sir goes fastball: "What's the difference between Primary and Secondary reflection?"

Patay! Mahirap agad!

But i think i answered it well enough, as I did with the rest of the orals. I was very nervous... like a guy on a courtroom stand. But I think I did okay. A B or B+ worth.

Frustrations: I missed a Lighthouse session yesterday, I've got the Intro to the Theo report to do (on sex scandals in the church) and a Sci10 Paper I've not started on. Shet shet shet.

I'm also somewhat annoyed (like always) of people who I take time out to really look after, really listen, keep secrets and empathize for, but can never ever do the same when it all comes down to it.

Guess what. I think I'm supposed to be all on my own.

Re-evaluation time. I have spent more money this week than I have for the whole month of July. And to think it all because of what's happened since July.

Last Monday I bought Eman Lacaba's "Salvaged Poems". In my opinion, anybody who's seriously trying to write should read Lacaba. Pete's also good, but I wanted to start with Eman and study how he thinks.
Price: 300 pesos

| also bought Ma'am Beni's book, "Alipato". Real darn good stuff. Tama nga si Ma'am Beni: feminists, and women writers as a whole do not write the same way men do, and reading Ma'am Beni's work right next to Lacaba proves this right away.
Price: 100 pesos.


Anyway, I got to chat with Ma'am Beni last Monday. She told me that I should read, read, read. If I read enough, I wouldn't need her as a mentor. (A subtle way of saying she can't help me unless I help myself). I did, however, make good of the time and asked her stuff I couldn't at the workshop: how prose poetry works, what are good ways of editing, etc. Not a bad price for a swell afternoon, but I wish I hadn't. I will, however, visit her again when I've written something of substance for her to see. (2 weeks from now, maybe. and she did offer to show me Mary Oliver's works too.)
Afternoon w/ Ma'am Beni: Priceless.

But anyway, on with the list.

Bought a magazine. Erm...
Price: 150 pesos.

Bought Cy's ticket to a concert on Friday evening. I can't go. So I'm buying just to help him out. Hahaha. But the price wasn't that much of a laughing matter. I think I'll try to go anyway, but it doesn't look all that good.
Price: 200 pesos.

3 lunches each worth approximately 80 pesos = 240 pesos.

a diskette worth: 17 pesos.

A ballpen at the ORP worth: 25 pesos.

A birthday card: 20 pesos.

Buti na lang my brother treated me to a cheeseburger last Monday also. (heck, now I realize it: monday was actually a fantastic day!) He said he's been borrowing money from me for a while (primarily rides home from UAAP games), so it might all add up to a burger. He did, however, end up borrowing ten pesos. Haay. Some things don't change. :p
Price: 10 pesos, and some gas. but it's worth it.

Speaking of gas, my car is running low!! Arrrgh. Good thing Mom and Dad reimburse ny gasoline expenses, but still. Bulsa ko ang nauuna, and sometimes they'll not be able to pay right away.

This morning I closed my bank account with Landbank, withdrawing all 618.33 pesos of my "emergency money". It was originally 1000 pesos, but I got a letter that I hadn't been using it for a while, and they deduct money from dormant accounts like mine. That letter I got two weeks ago. It was addressed two months ago (or so), so they took a certain amount of money from it already. Drat drat drat.

Moral of the story: don't open an account if you can't keep it running. I'm also now down to a scant 100 or so pesos. :( Must save, save, save.

Asus! Wala pa pala akong staffer's fee! next week, next week, next week...

Will stay in school 'till 7 PM though. Color-coding scheme can't let me leave early.