I wrapped the long-sleeved shirt I was wearing this morning around my neck. I've not coughed for hours, and it feels so darned nice!

know what else?

If somebody gave me a scarf for Christmas, I'd give them a big hug. Really.

And I ain't talking about the wussy-looking oversized handkerchief things they have little boys wear in scout meets. I'm talking the knitted, wooly-textured thing. The kind they put around necks of snowmen. The kind that you find in Baguio sometimes, or in Canada most of the time. The type that the crowds of fans in soccer games raise up in the air, showing off the team's colors in solidarity. The sort that you'd NEVER use in hot-as-Hell-almost-all-the-time Manila.

Thing about it. This weather? My health? It's the most logical thing I could ask for. I'd cough less, and I'd shiver less too. And they could be my personal fashion take, given the cold weather. (after all, I'd only wear it when it's cold. like December, when I get sick. and I'd never have to fear December again!)

IN FACT, I've a spontaneous desire to start collecting scarves! Yes. That's right. I'm for collecting one of the arguably the most useless things you can own in the Philippines. I'd love to have a veritable army of neck-warming cloths in my wardrobe someday. :)

NOW, if that scarf was an Arsenal FC scarf, I'd cry. Really. because I've always wanted one. hehehe.

YES, I know they'll be useless for most of the rest of the year. But I can dream, can't I? And I'll keep them safe and warm for ten months (Feb to Nov), and they'll keep me safe for two (Dec and Jan).

Won't you help me make this dream real? Sure you will. :)

I'm blogging here because, quite frankly, I don't think anybody reads this blog anymore. Which is nice. And that's good.

Updates on me for the past few days:

1.) We have a new dog! Our brown Doberman mini-pinsch, Frappy (short for Frappuccino) was collected by our Tita Lou. Something to do with Mom planning to breed dogs for business. Whatever. In the meantime, we have a hybrid shih tzu / terrier (I'm not sure exactly which breed) of around 2 months or so. And it's a boy. And we call hm Dimitri. And he's really cute. And he's been with us for three days now, including today.

Last night, I let him out of the box. He followed me ever so obediently. I missed that kind of dog; when I sit, he waits. When I walk, he gets up and follows. He has really stubby short legs, and has trouble climbing up and down steps, but still will, just so he can follow me. And when we're not doing anything, it didn't try to help or call attention or bounce up and down like Odie out of Garfield. He just slumped on the floor. And tried his best to make like Eeyore and look cute. And it was very endearing because it was cute.

I want to show him off to all of you, whoever still reads this. I am making it a project to take digital photos of him. If you ever spot me with my camera, remind me about the dog.

2.) I'm sick. It's not the life-threatening sick. But it feels like it. I have a sore throat, and speaking to others is a chore. I can't hug people close or kiss them on the cheek when I greet them anymore, even if it's inherent in me to try. Especially since I'm not affectionate to ALL people, but only a select few I love. And not all who I love, I am affectionate to. It's a challenge to try and talk normally. Or to whip out my handkerchief out when I sneeze fast enough.

I still blame the little sleep over the last weekend. I hate this. I used to have a tough constitution, of being able to survive with little to no sleep, be it jet lag or too much food or too much work. Now, I guess as November brings in colder nights, it brings lots of colder, well, colds. Darn. I hate this pattern of mine getting sick near Christmas.

Still, a few sniffles, sneezes and coughs never bothered me too much. It's just that today was Thursday. And there's always a lot of work for my TTH these days. And I don't have the car today, so I'm taking the jeep home. That does not help my healthcare situaion.

3.) Speaking of getting sick, Dad's worried about me again. It's quite sweet, actually. But truth be told, it's a pain being ordered to take medicines that you hate taking when you know they're not the real best cure. I know all I need is lots and lots of sleep, not anti-asthma medication. He thinks the coughing is from blocked airways, when I know it's all just a side-symptom of this influenza. And I've the nerve to say this about a licenced doctor because he's hardly ever done 'tests' to diagnose me. And he hardly does, partly because he's confident he knows his children.

Oh well.

4.) I just finished Stephen Chbosky's "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." I love it to bits. I credit Mindy for introducing me to it. I'm ever so happy I bought this out of my own cash.

Right now, I think I'm forming a small library of sorts with my books. Ever since the Heights Workshop where they gifted us three books, I've been buying lots of stuff. Poetry anythologies, novels, even photocopied versions of classics, I've got.

I want to throw out all the Math and Biology books and the dull, annoying textbooks and stuff I never once used out of my room's bookshelf. I will replace Santrock with Hornby, Quimpo with Kundera, and "Fundamental Calculus" with "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." It will be full of the poems and stories I have learned to love. When right now, those books are in a pile on the floor, and Lola's old Math books are in a shelf, I wish to switch that.

Hell, I'll get to it right now, as soon as I get home.

5.) I went to watch Harry Potter yesterday. It was a Wednesday, and like all Wednesdays, I got out of the house again. Which is jolly good, for its own sake.

I realize now, however, that I so badly want to see some people. Wednesday yesterday wasn't the same. It wasn't a lot of fun; I felt like I wasn't part of it, you know? Like I was really, just looking into a gatering of friends I wasn't exactly a full-fledged member of.

I wonder if that's how some people once felt, when I was with them, and with other people.

Now that thought just makes me sad.

6.) I learned more from my lectures these past few days than ever.

I used to have a strange quirk. I'd go to school real early, and park at the parking lot fronting the football field. I'd watch the sun rise and the people pass by on te walkway beside the field. I'd notice what they'd be wearing to the first class of the day. When I'd had my fill, I'd cross Katipunan and I'd buy breakfast at Jollibee. I'd always get the hot chocolate as my drink, and if I were lucky, they'd give me a copy of the newspaper for free. I'd eat slowly, deliberately.

Then, when I'd have had my fill, but still enough hot chocolate with me, I'd write poems. I'd write and write and write on my notebooks. I'd be happy writing. I'd make about 5 drafts of works on a good day, and 2 or 3 on a not-so-good day. Then I'd get up, stuff my new creations in my bag, and I'd revise them one evening. I'd revise them when I type them in the computer. And I'd be proud that my 'ritual' and the sixty-something pesos for breakfast amounted to something.

I realize that there is value in the rituals we keep. They frame our thoughts and our feelings. They show us what how serious we are about what we'll do. They show us what really is imporant, because we do the trivial things first. They help us keep rites; they are good habits.

I want to go to Jollibee Katipunan tomorrow morning. I will go there. Because I will write.

Anybody who comes with me will be welcome. :)

I hate you and love you all at the same time now, Mindy.
For now, you have shared with me and opened my eyes to a book that is quickly kicking so much ass, it's replacing each of all my favorites!



----excerpt excerpt exceprt----------

Inside the card, I told Sam that the present I gave her was given to me by my Aunt Helen. It was an old 45 record that had the Beatles' song "Something." I used to listen to it all the time when I was little and thinking about grown-up things. I would go to my bedroom window and stare at my reflection in the glass and the trees behind it and just listen to the song for hours. I decided then that when I met someone I thought as beautiful as the song, I should give it to that person. And I didn't mean beautiful on the outside. I meant beautiful in all ways. So I was giving it to Sam.

Sam looked at me soft. And she hugged me. And I closed my eyes because I wanted to know nothing but her arms. And she kissed my cheek and whispered so nobody could hear.

"I love you."

I know that she meant it in a friend way, but I didn't care because it was the third time since my Aunt Helen died that I heard it from anyone. The other two times were from my mom.

After that, I couldn't believe that Sam actually got me a present, because I honestly thought that the "I love you" was it. But she did get me a present. And for the first time, something nice like that made me smile and not cry. I guess Sam and Patrick went to the same thrift store because their gifts were together. She tok me to her room and stood me in front of her dresser, which was coveredin a pillowcase with pretty colors. She lifted off the pillowcase, and there I was, standing in my old suit, looking at an old typewriter with a fresh ribbon. Inside the typewriter was a piece of white paper.

On that piece of white paper, Sam wrote, "Write about me sometime." And I typed something back to her, standing right there in her bedroom. I just typed.

"I will."

And I felt good that those were the first two words that I ever typed on my new old typewriter that Sam gave me. We just sat there quiet for a moment, and she smiled. And I moved to the typewriter again, and I wrote something.

"I love you, too."

And Sam looked at the paper, and she looked at me.

"Charlie...have you ever kissed a girl?"

I shook my head no. It was so quiet.

"Not even when you were little?"

I shook my head no again. And she looked very sad.

She told me about the first time she was kissed. She told me that it was with one of her dad's friends. She was seven. And she told nobody about it except Mary Elizabeth and then Patrick a year ago. And she started to cry. And she said something that I won't forget. Ever.

"I know that you know that I like Craig. And I know that I told you not to think of me that way. And I know that we can't be together like that. But I want to forget all those things for a minute. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you. Okay?"

"Okay." She was crying even harder now. And I was, too, because when I hear something like that I just can't help it.

"I just want to make sure of that. Okay?"

"Okay."

And she kissed me. It was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.


----------------


You were right: this book is fucking brilliant. And I am so grateful.

current music: Get Down Saturday Night - Oliver Cheatham

The Great Miss Manalo Post!

Intro: Every summer at LnK, we write out a description of our 'ideal' mates, and we have dubbed them as our "Miss Manalo" (for guys) or "Mister Manalo" (for girls and those-who-would-be-girls). And every summer, I notice I tended to change my preferences. Thing is, I miss the LnK'ers sick (I won't see them until Christa's party or later), and I decided to post this on our much-unused "online LnK logbook". And so here we have it: my Miss Manalo.

WANTED: ISANG 'MISS MANALO' PARA KAY RAPH

Single, Catholic, Filipino female, 5'3" or taller, aged 16 - 24 (or, simply put, not too old) who can deal with the eccentricities of a soon-to-be Creative Writing graduate of the Ateneo de Manila, who, while not the most handsome man in the world, is a pretty decent guy, with much potential and a lot to offer. No prior job experience of having boyfriends required.

Must have great sense of humor and very beautiful voice. Must love vegetarian food (or should be at least willing to give it a shot), good literature, good music, good films, dogs and Raph's family. Interests should ideally include (but not strictly limited to) music, poetry, theater, coffee, Third World debt relief, soccer and watching sunsets. Must be good with children, or at least, will be good with children someday. Abillity to sing and/or dance and/or act also a major plus, but not wholly necessary.

Applicant must be open to spontaneous acts of random sweetness and/or thoughtfulness for no apparent reason, even when pissed off or experiencing a hangover. Insensitive and un-appreciative behavior as well as any cynicism observed from applicants will be noted for future reference.

Being good with people, involvement in performing arts (theater, music, etc) or experience in Days with the Lord are a plus. All willing applicants must be able to appreciate dry, sarcastic comedy, and would be able to keep up when conversations border on the intellectual. Should be willing and open to share personal beliefs, but not too pushy advocating them. Abillity to be discuss any topic from God, to sex, to the weather, to food, to sports, to politics, to family life, to how-their-day-was would be ideal.

Illiterates, non-readers, smokers, sex workers and drug addicts need not apply. All applicants who do not meet the height of 5'3", or are older than Raph by 10 years or more must request a meeting with Raph for prior approval. All applicants with overbearing (interfering) parents must also seek prior approval. No outward appearances of Chinese-Filipino descent necessary; that's for the other Doval-Santos son.

Wide hips and morena skin are also percieved advantages, along with looking nice in glasses.

Applicants must have read, or at least heard of the required readings: "The Little Prince," "The Alchemist," "The Prophet", the works of Gaiman, Hornby, Neruda, Asimov, or any 3 distinguished poets and/or fictionists. Familiarity with authors, films and musicians that Raph is not familiar with, and vice versa is a percieved advantage.

All potentials must be understanding if dates do not exceed in expense of PhP 350 (as Raph doesn't have a high-paying job yet), or if gifts are of the variety that cannot be found in any store. Participation in these events is a must; coming up with ideas for future plans would be ideal. Must like Raph's cooking, as he is willing to do this a lot. Street-smarts are a must (experience commuting, how to fend of pick-up artists, etc).

Raph has indicated to us that he is willing to change in any which way that suits chosen applicant's needs (ie: learning how to play guitar, taking on a new fashion sense, etc), provided that it does not violate his morals and principles (ie: promiscuity, drug abuse, shoplifting, bands like Cueshe, etc). Applicant should be able to bring out best in Raph; examples vary, but commonly found in improved overall well-being.

Experience as fashion model not necessary; it's not a beauty pageant anyway. It would, however help applicant if she looked pretty when she smiles.

Because it is Raph's hope he'll be the one who'll make her do a lot of that. ü

current music: Hiling - Paramita


I can't help but feel like it's me. That it's my fault. Because I'm like that, you know.

Honestly, I never, NEVER agreed to what they said. I did not believe a word they said.

Because the person they took the pains to say would hurt me one day was not the person I had come to know all this time, not the one I had learned to trust. And it wasn't fair for them to decide who it was I would pick to come near me, the way I picked them, once.

Why lie about a thing like that?

And believe me, as damaged as ties with them are, I knew fighting with them, not speaking to them was worth it. Because I would never stand to hear some shit tossed about people dear to me.

That's what happened. You can take that to heaven.

And yes. Nothing's changed how I see you. Nothing has, nothing will.

Basta ikaw.

PS:

and yes. I did like you. and it was at a time I was after somebody else. thus, the secret, and it was not serious anyway. so I never told anybody, save for a small handful of people.

I guess I picked the wrong people to trust. And since they knew that, they went off and told me so, hoping I'd not go through with it.

But know, I never regret trusting you.


--------

Kung ito ang iyong hiling
gaano man kasakit sa akin
ibibigay sa yo...

current music: Ain't No Sunshine - Bobby Blue Band

Sem Break is Starting To Suck

I am home alone tonight. My folks and siblings went to Tagaytay. I decided not to go. The beach is never fun when it's rainy like these days. And I wanted to hear mass today, Sunday, which is something I know I WON'T be able to do if I ride with them. Now, it's nighttime, and I'm still stuck with insomnia. Yeah. I can't get no sleep.

I have taken it upon myself to download all sorts of music c/o Limewire and BitTorrent. Trance music. House music. Chill-out. Disco. Reggae. 70's. 80's. 90's. Musicals. Opera. Instrumentals. Live performances. Movie soundtracks. With Nick Hornby's High Fidelity as a starter's guide, I'm slowly navigating the world of music I've never listened to, that nobody in the family listens to.

I don't think it's a very definitive, one-stop-shop type of collection. I like to treat it like a decent salad; a little bit of every little thing.

Apart from that, I'll be frank and honest, because it's only on this very blog I am able to be frank and honest:

I'M LEARNING TO HATE SEMBREAK.

Okay. It was fun the first week, being able to go skating with the block, or to bargain hunt in booksales here and there, to watch "Lord of War" with my family, or to sit back and read the new books. It was okay last week, where I had a lot on my hands preparing for A-Days, and for the weekend itself, where I was thoroughly busy.

But now? A week after with nothing to do? God.

I think there's this part of me that's hard-wired in my system that demands I be utilized. I always need to do something. Thing is, I've been unable to write anything decent other than the odd post here and there, and these old video games aren't cutting it. I've lost my appetite for TV a long time ago (apart from 'Mad About You' reruns), there are no new videos in the house to watch, there are too many books that aren't fun to read (like those Physics and Chem textbooks my folks hoarded for us when we were all in Pisay). The books that would have been fun, I don't have clearance to touch, because they belong to my sister.

I hate these extended, enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks that last for weeks on end. Sure, I relish the fact that I won't have to wake up very early in the morning to troop to school, drive for my siblings in the afternoon, and sleep late at night to wrap up work. I'm grateful that I don't have to face any of my profs, or have to mooch off groupmates or carry lazy groupmates mooching off me. I'm happy I don't need to be in a state of eternally playing catch-up because I'm lax in my readings, or that I have to stress myself over an oral exam coming in three days, back-to-back with another on a different subject within the next hour.

Still. I can't say I like enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks like these. It was bad enough I didn't get to go to the LnK lunch out. Now, it's terrible, how I sit here wasting away.

I'm jealous of people in Australia. For them, vacation times last for no greater than 2 weeks, but they take place at least three times in a term. Every two or three weeks of school, they'll get a "cool off" break, which lasts for a week or two. Then it's back to work. It's perfect! It's just enough time to have fun, but hardly too long for things to drag!

I mean, look at my life right now! I sleep at 3 AM, I get up at noon, I sit around in front of a PC for the afternoon, and do the sporadic jogging or basketball trip here and there. Meantime, at the back of my head, nag the following chores:

1.) Faci sign-ups for ACP
2.) My ADMU Law letters
3.) Jihan's play: casting, directing, rehearsing, setting up the set
4.) A31
5.) My last semester in Ateneo, which, heaven forbid, just might not be the last if things go to shit.
6.) My class sched.
7.) My own thesis, which looks disasterrific.
8.) My dream of submitting to this call for contribs which I nicked off Kael's blog.

All these things are stuck in my head. No amount of Civilization III or NBA Live can rub them out. Even time I've been spending with the Dayzers hasn't cleared my head; they only complicate matters because I have to consider how I'll fit time with them with the time I have to spend on those aforementioned events.

I want to stop being paranoid. I want to believe that everything will turn out okay. But I can't, because it demands faith that, unlike faith in God, has a real and painful possibility of letting me down.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to sit here doing nothing but play video games and stare at the ceiling while I worry. I don't want to have nothing to do. I don't want to feel useless.

I want to stop missing my friends. Already I can't bear the thought of being unable to see people. I still have books to return to people like Jeb. I still owe Patty a copy of Pirates!, after all this time. I already want to tell DenRocs of my newfound love for Faithless, and my slow delving into the world of electronic music, which she loves. I miss picking on the quirks of my friends. I miss the Pubroom. I miss the library and being able to borrow books to read for free. I miss reading good poetry. I miss Kaingin, my old crush there, my kids that I used to teach (although I DON'T miss some people there)..

I miss LnK. I miss my kids. I miss my co-tutors. I miss being able to daydream about perfect people we could look for, set each other up for dates for each other, and comparing notes along the way. I miss laughing with my kids about inside jokes only we knew over the course of a summer.

I miss Block E. I miss playing cards, fortune-telling, listening to them gossip while I silently scribble on notebooks. I miss reading for scripts, planning for gimmiks, and making Xander's job that much harder. I miss the feeling of belonging I get when I'm with them that I never got out of any org I've ever joined.

I miss my old blockmates. I miss Jemjem's brand of comedy. I miss Pao's steady, level-headed perspective on everything. I miss playing cards with those blokes. I miss the girls who I hardly ever got to speak to because they were always out with Gabay instead of the ASG. I miss the two "Marks", and their simple, charming way of conversation. I miss them, even though I've been celebrating ever since I left them.

I miss James and Fritz. I've not spent a day together with those two in over eight months! I miss our 'high council' gatherings, our 'o, kumusta na?' talks which are always, always full of new things to share. I miss talking to Fritz about the lates games and techie things and his life as an up-and-coming programmer, and I miss James updating me on being a future environmentalist, and how things are with his girlfriend. I miss being the 'glue person', the link between two different worlds. I miss the days when we could hatch plans of just getting away from it all, just the three of us.

I terribly, terribly miss lunch outs with with Jihan and Mela, never no mind if they may be responsible for my heart's unhealthy state, given the food we eat. I love those two dearly, and would do anything for them.

I miss Jihan. I miss jogging in Ateneo. I miss planning for her play, recounting stories she could use in plays. I miss her input on books and movies we both loved. I miss her sage wisdom in times of confusion. I miss how it was always so, so easy to talk to her, how my jokes always seem to work and how I know all my secrets are safe with her.

I miss Mela. I miss lending her books, buying her crap, driving her from place to place. I miss hanging out with my family with her as guest. I miss her opinions and observations, all rife with poems and stories. I miss how she'd always challenge me to raise the bar on my daily life, how she'd stress"anything worth doing should be done well". I miss following with her schemes.

Yes. I know all things pass. I just wish they'd happen sooner. I just wish I don't have to feel like this anymore: untapped and useless.

current music: Landslide - Smashing Pumpkins

Yes, I'm in a Smashing Pumpkins kind of phase. In a strange way, their sound is almost sort of the root of all emo. Hehehe. :p

This song, however, I love so much. And to think I only learned of it last Sunday.


Smashing Pumpkins - Landslide

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I'm getting older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

current music: In Demand - Texas

Nagkwentuhan kami ni Tish sa Days noong Sabado. Riot! Tila sa kanya ko talaga makukwento ang "plight of being thought of as gay" na mayroon siyang karanasan dun. hahaha!

We went about talking of love lives, how mine went through the usual cycles, and hers seemed to hit dead ends.

May isa siyang sinabi sakin siya.

"Raph, yung sa 'yo kasi, ikaw yung tipong lalaking sineseryoso."

Nataranta ako dun. Ano ibig sabihin nun?

"Kasi kunwari, pinatulan ko kita, mapapa-'off the market' na talaga ako! Kasi ganun kang klaseng guy: sineseryoso."

I felt utterly humbled and dumbstruck and flattered and touched. Tish, salamat.

current music: In Demand - Texas

Wahoo!

I'm back from staffing for A-Days.

More on it to follow.

For now, rest.

current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Try, Try, Try (alternative version)

Pop tart, what's the matter
Did you lose... what you're after?
For your tears I'm still singing
For your fears, I am ringing
From Houston on a downer buzz
Like you said, It's just because
You'll detonate your long lost kisses
Wished on the eve of forgotten blessings
So start your way for some new impression

That try to hold on
To this heart a little bit stronger
Try to hold on
with this love aloud
Try to hold on
For this heart has never been broken
Try to hold on
Try to hold on

Pop tart, did you flatter
When they spoke... of my disasters
At 13, I lost my compass
But I'm sure, it's all accomplished
As desires on my ghost trains
Like you said when it rains
It pours down the back of the bitter son
Desperate for love and loves everyone
In my mother's arms, no simple harm

Conspires to hold on
To this heart
A little bit closer
Try to hold on
To this love aloud
Try to hold on
And we know
If we go under
We just can't let go
No, no

Pop tart, will it matter?
If I lose and just shatter
Will you cry, and keep crying
Will I die, and keep dying
In Tokyo, the sad tragic blues
Like you said, it's how you use
'Cause someday we'll know if this even matters
Our rings and maze and simplicity
When can we laugh and take all the credit

And know we'll go free
With our hearts a little bit stronger
Try to hold on
For this love aloud
Try to hold
For this heart's a little bit frightened
Just try to hold on

Just try to hold on
Just try

I will remain with you, no matter what the fuck they say.

current music: The Tide - The Spill Canvas

You know how in Finding Neverland, Johnny Depp's character, J.M. Barrie was, at every turn, frustrated by people who didn't approve of the company he kept?

I understand completely.

I HATE it when people judge my friends. I HATE it when they say "Wag kang lalapit diyan! Be careful!"

I love you all for your concern, and how you worry about me.

But please. I'm not scared.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/heaven_spawn/164402.html

I realized one thing:

I don't give a fuck about what others say anymore. Bahala na ang pride.

This post is dedicated to you...

- For always making sure that I dress nice, eat healthy, stand with good posture, look clean, take my medicine, remember to tip waiters, refrain from cutting class and the like, and for worrying sometimes when I don't do so.

- For laughing at my jokes when nobody else seems to think them funny, and for giving them at least a smile when you don't really think them funny either.

- For trying to give me suggestions to make me look cooler to my siblings's eyes, a favor I still cannot find repayment for.

- For taking the pains to look good and smell nice when we do the lunch outs with our friends. (And mind you, I notice it even when I don't say anything.)

- For showing me the 'spectator sport' of people-watching.

- For your acts of thoughtfulness, like plastic wrapping a book I loaned you (in secret, no less).

- For being the pulse of our 'gimiks,' always with the funniest jokes, the wittiest wisecracks and the best ideas on what to do next.

- For the vial of your perfume, of which I love and use very very sparingly when I need a really sweet scent.

- For that afternoon in Megamall, at the drop of a hat, and the company for dinner after.

- For accompanying me to Makati, even when you weren't feeling so good.

- For shooting photos for my Theo group in Cubao, with your very cool camera.

- For trusting me with that camera, when you left it behind once, and I found it.

- For finding real, concrete answers to my problems, be they insomnia, or repairing book damage, or lack of funds when we eat out.

- For not being a total priss, and admitting to faults when applicable.

- For being so cute when I try to pay you compliments, or when you're "sabog".

- For always coming up with the most amazing ideas, insights and observations, which I find deep and profound.

- For being so nice to my family, especially when you don't have to. And for the concern you show for their well-being that hardly any other friend (not even some of my closest, oldest friends) seem to have for them.

- For joining us on our trip to Tagaytay, even if Jihan couldn't come along.

- For keeping my secrets.

- For trusting me with yours.

- For being so open with your thoughts that I treasure.

- For never saying "no" when I try to be nice to you out of the blue.

- For never taking advantage of my chivalry. Not once.

- For liking my cooking.

- For broadening my horizons with new music, new books, new movies to watch, and for being a sounding board about what you think about them.

- For trusting me with books, and stupendous books at that.

- For teaching me a thing or two about caring for my dogs, and enlivening a newfound love for them.

- For brightening up everyday, just with your 'infectuous spontaneity'.

- For being so patient with me, being a guy and all, and for thinking me as different from the many men out there.

- For being you, and for all the times I've spent with you.

Thank you for everything.

And I miss you dearly. These days aren't the same, I say.

I pulled off a tarot card reading somewhere. Ito daw sabi sakin.


how you feel about yourself now

You feel that despite the challenges you have been faced with in the past, present or future, you will find the strength and courage to succeed. Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top. If you are looking to give up any bad habits, such as smoking or drinking for example, this is a good time to do it.

what you most want at this moment

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is absolute change, to end what you no longer want and start anew. You desire to transform your career or your love life, perhaps your whole lifestyle in general. However catastrophic such changes could be, embracing them will only make you grow in wisdom and experience.

your fears

You are fearful of the future and rather lacking in self-belief - you are afraid your hopes will be dashed. Well don’t be, this is your wish card - a time of joy and fulfilment. Good health, possibly after a time of illness, and good fortune that will give you a new zest of life. If considering a new love affair, new job or career, or travel, then go for it. You may also receive a gift or gifts!

what is going for you

This is an exciting time with much potential for fun and good times. Your confidence should be high, it's a great time for new possibilities. If you are considering leaving your job, home or relationship, in time you will. An unexpected desire will be fulfilled, even before you express it!

what is going against you

Insecurity is a devil that taunts us but only if we listen to that ‘doubting Thomas’ we all have in our heads. Ignore it. What do your instincts tell you? Perhaps you don’t like what they say? Well you could always go against your instincts, but we all know what that leads to don’t we!

outcome

A time for taking stock, an end to an era or phase of your life and brand new opportunities appearing. An opportunity will present itself that must not be ignored and it could have far reaching implications, changing your life for the better. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

current music: Stars - Hungry Young Poets

**WARNING**
Super Bangang/Senti Post Ahead
Turn Back Now!

-----------

Ganito kasi yun.

I had a short talk last night with Jihan regarding The Little Prince. I find that the story is rich and resonant, no matter how old or young you are. Like Mela once told me, it's the sort of book you ought to read every four or so years, just to remind you of what's there.

I decided to reread it this morning, while waiting for class. Yes, I almost cried. The only thing that kept me from sobbing was the fact that I was surrounded by so many people in the CTC CompLab.

It was no different from the day Mark Yebra endorsed the book. The familiar feelings were there, all over again, even though they weren't for the same people.

Yes, it was like 3rd year high school over again, sobbing over a sad, sad evening, featuring, ironically, a person in red who would be the first real rose of them all.

So, to the roses, past and present, I love you.
To the foxes, it is for you I still choose to live and keep on striving. Thank you.

--------

Here's a short summary of the reflections I've come up with. Many of them are from Sir Niel as relayed to me by Jihan. Many others, I stumbled onto. I will not say it's the best, comprehensive guide to it, and if you've not read it, turn back because you might complain I'm spoiling the story. Rest assured, the magic is in the book and how it's written, so even if you do read this, you won't miss out.


The Little Prince - Everybody, at least once in their life is like the Prince. Everybody has that child-like quality of seeing what's invisible. In our lives, we all love as selflessly as the Prince, at one point or another.

The Pilot - He is like the Prince, except he's all grown up. Here, we see what was once childlike, and how the world has molded him, with all the cynics and the doubters and all that. There is the fear, the doubt, the need to attend to what are "matters of consequence," but there is still that child gently knocking at the door.

The Snake - People who offer "an easy way out." We all should be wary of them.

The King - People who believe the world must revolve around themselves, and see that what they say goes. They are proud, and are in denial of their own shortcomings.

The Vain Man - People who demand the attention and admiration of others, particularly because there's really nothing special about them. They seek this attention because of that.

The Businessman - People who see the world as nothing but means to an end. Everything's something to be won, bought or traded in their eyes. Their primary goal is to look out for themselves first.

The Drunkard - People who cannot move on from their own self-pity. They seek some kind of solace by running away from their problems instead of facing them down.

The Lamplighter - People driven with by a sense of duty, by a sense of doing the greater good, but leave nothing for themselves. They burn out. They give and give, but leave nothing for themselves.

The Geographer - People who are too lazy to do work for themselves. They are also the biggest skeptics; they'll never believe unless they see proof. They do not explore and discover things for themselves, but would rather have somebody else do that for them. There is no wonder in their lives.

The Rose - People we love, but don't know how to return the love. That's not to say they don't love you. They just are, perhaps, too proud. They know how to take the love, but giving is difficult. They make our lives wonderful, but painful all the same.

The Fox - People who teach us what really matters. People who come and disappear in our lives, and leave impressions forever. They love you, and you love them, no matter how different you are.


--------

And all
I am
is grateful for the stars
which are you
when they shine
oh they shine oh they shine
oh they shine
in my sky...
-Stars, HYP

Call me selfish, but I don't want this semsester to end.

Because it'd mean I'll only have less than five months to spend with everybody.

:(

current music: Crazy for You - Sponge Cola

I didn't exactly have it great the past two days. This poem is for all the people who have been hurt, whom I feel so powerless to help.

Rare Lines from One Accustomed to Writing What's Said to Be Obscure Poetry
Emmanuel Lacaba

Because I sing no more,
Speak to the point no more
(Neither is today's lyric fashion),

There are days I stand by doors,
Wish I could play the guitar,
Had more future as a painter,

Enjoyed gardening, or had
A wife before the night's lovemaking
to caress. A fist of cowards I

(Whom other people call an educated man)
Who cannot drop a glass, hurl stones at panes,
Throw chairs around.

current music: Only - Nine Inch Nails

I am crazy, crazy, crazily in awe of the video for Only - Nine Inch Nails. Hwow. And it's made with such sharp thought!

--------

I've had a long, yet sweet day. It's up there, definitely, although it didn't start right.

You see, the other day, my kid brother got into a car accident. He took some groupmates to McDonald's. He was handing food to the people seated at the back, when he didn't realize the car was in gear, and his foot wasn't on the brakes. The car lurched forward. When he slammed the brakes, he had already hit the back of a car.

This was yesterday, and the man he hit (who I found out today was a 75-year old former Barangay captain of Loyola Heights) didn't really get mad nor press charges. But the incident has stirred very 'protective' sentiments, and has advised us to use public transportation for the next few days. Especially since my brother had not asked permission to drive to McDo (which is walking distance from school) and that the LTO papers in the car are somehow, strangely missing.

So there. I took the jeep today. If I stank and I offended sensibilities, my apologies. And in advance, as well. I worry this'll be a trend for a few days.

And to think I had to brave the rain and accident-prone and mugging-prone commuting in order to make it early for an uninspiring Theology lecture, where we did nothing but elaborate on how terrible the state of my country is.

-----

That aside, I had lunch with the gang this afternoon. Haha. Ice cream and spaghetti always tastes better with good company. And so will any future adventures, which I look forward to with relish.

Now it's Jihan's storytelling, my directing, Mela's technical vision and RJ's management (SM siya!) that will get this thing going. And of course, brilliant work from our soon-to-be performers. :)

Yes, I am scared like hell with regards to the many-tiered complications that will go hand-in-hand with the production of Jihan's work. I, however, am happy to be part of this. It's gonna rock.

That is, so long as the four of us go hand in hand too.

---------

I thought I saw somebody from way, way back while Mela and myself were talking.

I wonder. I hope I was unnoticed. If only because I fear more arguments. (Because that's what we were always good at: disagreeing). If only because it's not easy to face your past and your regrets.

But then again, what does one do when he or she sees a ghost? Nothing, right? So what can I do? It's a misplaced page of an old chapter. It has no place in my present anymore.

Even if, in another, younger time, place and age, I'd have pushed back time's pace with all I had to go and make it so.

current music: You're Beautiful - James Blunt

Oy, sinong may alam kung magkaano ang bagong speakers? Nakaka-asar na't hindi na ako makakinig ng music ng matino! :s

-----

In other news, I am quite delighted that somebody's wish, after years of waiting has been fulfilled. hehehe.

I am happy to find closure in all this. I can now close this chapter once and for all. (unless something comes up again, as usual.)

current music: Do for Love - Tupac Shakur

Your Brain's Pattern

You're a simple thinker, and this is actually a very good thing. You don't complicate matters when you don't have to. You look for the simplest explanation or solution, and you go with that. As a result, your mind is uncluttered and free of stress.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

current music: Around the World - Daft Punk


The Name Game

Rules:
1. Write something about 15 different people.
2. You can NOT say who they are.
3. If someone asks you which one is about them, you can NOT tell. If you know you're there, tell me but no reactions.



----------------------------------------------------------------

(1) For a long, long time, we were pretty tight. He used to call up the house quite frequently and we'd talk. I even got to listen to the songs he wrote for his ex way back then. Then when he met this girl, the phone calls (thankfully! haha) stopped. Although, I think he broke up with that girl recently too. He's also a really good guitarist; you should listen to him try rendering Jason Mraz, or another favorite, Lifehouse's "Everything". :)


(2) People, when they meet him, can get the impression that this dude is gay. Really. There were the telltale signs: boyband music, a passion for dance, and a fixation with poetry regarding a certain object that looks phallic (hahaha!). But he's also a very nice guy. Everybody seems to like him. I also remember that I made a joke of him being gay at a party, and he did nothing but smile.

(and yet, making jokes about it to him were UNHEARD OF. I only know one other person who'd dare crack that one.)


(3) Mental bookmark ko sa babaeng ito ay "most expensive cup of coffee," which was by no fault of her own, but a certain AWFUL person she introduced me to. :p This girl had a gig on her birthday, and the dude (in a funky hat) who was the emcee took the microphone and said, quite bluntly "Oy, pagbigyan nyo siya. Nata-tae siya ngayon!" Wahahaha! But she was brilliant onstage nevertheless. I'm CRAZY about her music, while the person in #1, for a time, was CRAZY about HER (haha! isyu lang po). :p


(4) She doesn't check her LJ so much anymore, but I remember when I was Really Depressed back in high school, sa kanya ako nag-confide. I'll bet she'd never believe me when I say she stopped me from killing myself. Hehe. And to think naging close kami dahil sa isang e-mail na pinadala niya ako ng wallpaper ng Samurai X. :p (along with a long string of other emails, of course) I miss her terribly; ANDAMI ko kailangang ikwento sa kanya! :p

We also have a funny sort of charm: I loaned her something of Great Value to me, and it was supposed to give her luck. It's still with her. I'd be grateful to know if she's doing well. :)


(5) This girl, I shall hereby refer to as She-Who-I-Cannot-Name-Because-I'm-Darned-Ashamed. For the longest time, I really, really liked her, but I screwed up QUITE ROYALLY. :p We're friends though. I hardly get to speak to her anymore. And I still can't quite think of roses without cringing, twitching, remembering. I started writing poetry for kicks because she brought it up in a conversation. That conversation has changed my life.


(6) Ang pinaka-malambing na taong kilala ko. She gives me hugs at random, out of the blue. I think it's what she uses in lieu of handshakes. In fact, unti-unti na akong nagiging malambing dahil napupulot ko ito sa kanya! :p She's very up-to-date with what's happening with my life, as I am to hers. We've had disagreements (some lasting weeks), but she's a peach. She's one of 'many of my patients,' and I'd say more but us 'doctors' have 'confidentiality clauses' to consider. hehehe She's also my former boss. :p


(7) To this day, I remember him as the first friend, from way, way back in grade school. Why first friend? I think it was more of "first friend who stuck around", and his family is like family already. He's made quite a name for himself these days. He loaned me a whole bunch of books which shaped my thinking. He's been on TV loads of times, for different reasons. nyahahaha. I still have some of his PS2 games here at home. I'm in no immediate hurry to return them. :p


(8) This girl's really thoughtful; she hands people gifts, little notes and letters just to say 'hi'. I met her in Ateneo's Summer Enrichment Program (SEP) when I was entering 3rd year high. She struck me as very easy to talk to, and by the end of summer, we were always in touch with each others' lives. 3rd and 4th year high were pockmarked with memories of phone calls with her. To this day, she still asks me to write her stuff just for fun. She also got me started tutoring kids, and thus, she has changed my life! :D


(9) 'Soul Brother' is what he calls me, and I would call him thus. Noon, akala ko type niya yung isang tao dito sa list (nyahahahaha), pero hindi pala. Hehe. Naging close kami dahil sa isang particular black stand-up comedian na trip na trip namin. :D He's arguably the only one I can talk to openly about certain taboos in the world. Haha. He was supposed to act for me in a play I was working on, but it didn't happen. Tsk.


(10) Years ago, I had a dream about a really, really cute girl whom I did not know. a few days later, pina-kilala ako sa kanya! (how's that for coincidence?) Needless to say, she's one of the loveliest people I've had the pleasure of being close to; andaming may type sa kanya at isa na siyang isyu queen sa amin! :p At super bait at madasalin pa. These days we don't get to talk over the phone, nor have I updated her as much. Busy kasi ang buhay ng sumasayaw ng street. :) I've told her about the dream too. Just not all the details. haha.

(although I will say that I can't EXACTLY remember who it was I saw in a dream; it's her VOICE that sounds like her. I know that whoever it was, she was tall... and this girl isn't exactly THAT tall. :p)


(11) My prom is loaded with memories. She is one of them, even though she and I both didn't have dates. If the person in #5 started me on poetry, this girl put me on the fast-track to loving it. We were also fond of certain things, like angels, music, good books and quiet moments just talking. Over time, the story was that a certain jealous boyfriend didn't want me calling her (but looking back, I think it was her excuse to keep me away. hehe). We aren't exactly friends anymore; if I saw her in the street one day, I'd recognize her, but odds are she'd already have forgotten me. I had half a mind to go search for her in her gigantic school, but I don't know.

Years have passed, and I don't know whether or not I loved her, or if it was just the idea of her I loved.


(12) I've an ever-changing set of friends over the years. She's one of the few of my friends who's met my whole family, not including uncles and aunts. Ayon sa kanya, ang first impression niya sa akin ay "sino 'tong bwiset na 'to??" (or something to that effect!). She now is a very close friend, and she knows a LOT of my dirt. :p

Tsismis: Noong hinulaan ko boyfriend niya with cards, at kasama siya, may lumabas na card na may meaning na "good news". At the mention of the meaning, we wondered. Sabi namin, "ano kaya yun"? She then put her hand on his, looked him in the eye, and said to him: "Alam mo, I'm pregnant." wahahahahaha! laugh trip talaga.


(13) Groupmates kami nito noong Filipino class, and to this day, we've been pals. I clandestinely snuck her a letter from this boy she was in love with, even though her mom hates that guy's guts. 'Thoughtful' is one of her nicer traits; nga lang, hindi siya marunong makiramay sa taong banas! Hahaha! She's also an amazing actress, and has such a lovely voice! Mental bookmark ko naman dito ay ang "bitterest cup of coffee"; nanlibre ako around the time of my birthday, and it was a very, very difficult week for her then, and the conversations was just... sad. (speaking of which, malapit nga pala b-day niya...)

I will never admit it to her, but she's helped me find God.


(14) Mahina ang ilong ko, but I LOVE the perfume this girl wears. In fact, even when she doesn't wear the perfume, she smells real nice too! I learned how to play poker at the same time as her. Self-proclaimed 'sabog', and very hyper, and yet I've seen her when she's not (though most people can't imagine what that's like). She's one of the girls who tells me "Boys suck!" and goes into tiarides about how men are miserable filth, and I'd just nod my head and say "it's okay." :P

Oh yeah, remember the girl in #12? She wrote a story and quite strangely, kasama itong si #14 dun. :p Riot talaga. :)


(15) You know how they say that the bestest friendships last countless arguments? It is both my insecurity and my pride that I've never had a real, lasting argument with this guy. We've been tight since 1st year high, and we've gone through all sorts of kooky and not-so-pleasant things together. Hehe. Kung sa mundo ng Harry Potter, I can safely say na ako si Sirius Black pag pinag-tabi ninyo kami: siya yung sikat na sikat a dude, at ako yung sidekick na laging promotor ng crazy adventures. :p



Feel free to comment. ü

current music: I'm Housin' - Rage Against the Machine

Shucks. This blog's starting to gather molds and dirt, figuratively. I suppose it's high time I start updating.

As of today, it's Saturday and my parents have left the city for a retreat. Meantime, I've got a meeting in Ateneo later at around 1 PM, for a focus-group discussion (FGD) regarding Days retreats! How's that for coincidence? My brother and sister are still upstairs, and judging from the fact that I can't hear the TV or stereo working upstairs, they must still be asleep.

I've thought about this meeting. A-Days, for over a year now, has become a very sacred commitment to me. But I wonder, if I should really keep at it, and for how much longer?

Since December, every batch I've staffed in featured me getting sick, be it asthma or a fever, or stomach flu or a combination of all three (Payatas batch survivor!). When I return, I'm dead tired and I often don't have enough energy to go through my normal routines, unlike when I started staffing a year ago. My father, being a doctor, has advised me to take it slow, but that's easier said than done; I've often been assigned for tasks that take me awake late into nights, and need me to carry heavy things. (ie: Housing, like my current music says)

I used to be able to attend all the meetings and was one of the most up-to-date on all operations of the impending retreats. Now, I barely arrive on time for them, and in the retreats themselves, I have trouble being efficient, mostly because of my illnesses. High blood pressure sucks.

And yet, there's still stuff I hope to achieve: staff for another year, sponsor my siblings and/or friends, rector my own batch, do housing again, head the music crew... (I'm laughing at myself in my head at these wishful thoughts!)

It doesn't look any easier for the next few months: I'm directing Jihan's play, I'm preparing my practicum, I'm struggling to make those homeworks for History and Art Writing, I'm trying to write more poems for that thesis with Sir DM, and I'm barely passing in two subjects. I credit my bad time management for these fiascos (jogging with Jihan, lunches out with the girls, etc), but I also know that anything more on my plate will be the end of me.

(Hell, time is so scarce, the worst thing that can happen to me is to fall in love, I tell you.)

What's more, if I do take that LAE, I'd be far, far more stressed juggling everything. And if I pass? That's when the shit hits the fan; I think I may indeed be forced to stop.

So do I give up A-Days? Lord knows I don't want to. Even if the world seems like its conspiring to try and stop me.

current music: Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell on You) - Aqualung

As of Last Night

My head has been killing me. I originally thought it was because I've gone a week or so without my glasses, which I misplaced for a while. I've found them again, but then it wasn't the answer. Maybe it was my 'reverse insomnia', where I'd get sleep, only to wake at 2 AM, and unable to return to sleep all day.

I'm not sure whether or not the headache was because of the glasses, or the PC, or the heat, or my high blood, or my brother singing songs by "The Used" a capella, or a combination of sorts. All I knew was my head hurt really, really bad.

(It didn't quite help that I had go to an FGD on that head. Wala lang; powered-down mga sinasabi ko, but I could at least stay focused.)

Last night, I texted people about the headache (which was at about 8PM at its highest point), they all resoundingly advised me to get some sleep. Mela even went so far as to help me get to sleep, with her own cure for insomnia! It went something like this:

- open all the windows
- change the sheets
- turn on the electric fan
- play slow music (a la Norah Jones)
- take a warm drink (milk, tea, hot chocolate, et al)
- a light snack
- a nice long relaxing shower/bath
- put a nice scent on my new bedsheets

I told her it wasn't just the longest text message anyone ever sent, but it was also one of the craziest things I ever heard. :p

Next thing I knew I was spraying the room and my new bedsheest with Glad Air and Fabric freshner. :p

I even brandished incense sticks and my room started to smell like a DWTL batch! Like staffer's quarters, maybe. And some jazz from the radio playing. Hehe. I also got the rainstick to help make soothing, relaxing noise. And rain. (I think it did rain! I forget.) And played Aqualing's "Strange and Beautiful" (which is my current music right now) on my PC as the last thing I played before shutting down.

Of course, I've a feeling that after my reply, she'd have thought I was mocking her suggestion. :p We ended up making a deal that if it worked, I'd buy her the frozen Milo drinks at the caf. Hehe.

Did it work? Well...
I will say that I was able to sleep at 9 PM, but by 2 AM, I was up again, as usual! :S BUT! I will say I was able to doze off right away. :) So parang 9 PM to 2 AM, and then 2 AM to 7 AM sleep... 9-10 hrs, kuno.

And my head still kinda hurts. But I ain't sleepy.

I've half a mind to tell her that it didn't work, that I still ended up wide awake at 2 in the morning, and that my head still hurts. Hehe. Or, I oughta pay up. After all, sleep is sleep, and I did wake up this morning feeling refreshed and grateful.

Oh well. That's that.

-------

I still wonder if there's really some kind of spell on me that's making me do these crazy things at the drop of a pin. :p

Know what else? The loudest thought in my head was that I wished that it was her perfume that I could spray on these bedsheets. [eh syempre, I love that scent!] :)

(but no, I shouldn't tell her that. she'd kick me, slap me, or worse. :p)

Y'see, after lunch yesterday Mela and I had a talk about music. I shared how, for the most part, I tend to have a humougous palate of music I like to listen to. And I'm talking huge. And yet, there's always a set of 20 or so songs that I cannot live without.

I never tried writing them down, let alone mentally sum them into a list. So here there be my attempt to compile. I already knew 10 of them, but recently I've been listening to new stuff, and re-discovering old stuff. :) I told her they were about 20. I did not expect it'd be closer to 3-4 dozen songs.

What can I say? I listen. :)

THE SONGS I MOST DEFINITELY NEED:

1.) Waiting in Vain - Bob Marley / Annie Lennox / MYMP
2.) Keep 'Ya Head Up - Tupac Shakur
3.) True - Spandau Ballet
4.) Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay / A-Days Music Crew
5.) Heaven Help - Lenny Kravitz
6.) Telepono - Sugarfree
7.) Where the Streets Have No Name - U2
8.) Hold On - Phil Collins
9.) 1/2 Wishing - Mojofly
10.) Everything - Lifehouse
11.) Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
12.) 911 - Wyclef Jean
13.) Cupid - 112
14.) Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
15.) Patawad - Chubibo
16.) Burnout - Sugarfree
17.) The Way You Look Tonight - Frank Sinatra
18.) The Light - Common
19.) Rockstar - N.E.R.D.
20.) Sa Uulitin - Mojofly
21.) Another Day - Mojofly
22.) Stars - Hungry Young Poets
23.) Renegades of Funk - Rage Against the Machine
24.) Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity) - Incubus
25.) Like A Stone - Audioslave
26.) In My Place - Coldplay
27.) Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls
28.) Untitled (How Does It Feel) - D'Angelo
29.) Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang - Freestyle & Pops Fernandez / Ogie Alcasid 30.) Pilgrims - South Border
31.) Under My Skin - Frank Sinatra & Bono
32.) I've Got A Woman - Ray Charles
33.) Cannonball - Damien Rice
34.) The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
35.) Everyday - Agot Isidro
36.) Just Friends (Sunny) - Musiq
37.) Here to Stay - Josh Groban
38.) Over and Over - Nelly & Tim McGraw
39.) One Mic - Nas
40.) Jeepney - Sponge Cola
41.) Harana - Parokya ni Edgar
42.) Halaga - Parokya ni Edgar
43.) Listen - Stonefree
44.) So Into You - Fabolous & Tamia
45.) Love You Down - INOJ
46.) Teardrops - Lovestation
47.) Rewind - Craig David & The Artful Dodger
48.) Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind
49.) How I Could Just Kill A Man - Rage Against the Machine
50.) Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell On You) - Aqualung
51.) Dear Mama - Tupac Shakur
52.)




Alam ko meron pa na hindi ko pa sinusulat. Pasensya na lang. :)

current music: Real People - Common

I wonder at times if people still read this. And I believe that ever since I lost a big chunk of my layout/template and sidebar, I am not able to read many, many of my friends' blogs.

If you believe you're one of them, kindly drop a message/comment for this entry, and tell me where I can read your stories.

Wala lang.

current music: A Certain Shade of Green - Incubus


These are weird days. I find myself sleeping earlier and earlier, and likewise find myself waking up earlier and earlier. Today, I found myself eyes wide by 4 AM. The day before, I was up by 3. In both instances, I was shivering from the cold, as there's been a series of rainy evenings here in Manila for weeks. I wonder if it's because of the sudden drop in temperature that prompts me to sleep, as cold-blooded lizards do when temperature falls.

I also find that writing is becoming, well, not easier, but less "painful" as it were. I cannot tell what has prompted this spell of ease. I just see that editing, revising, and coming up with ideas flows more fluently. I still have trouble starting works though. It's not perfect; I just know coming up with stuff's not as hard as it used to be.

For example, I had a daydream of sorts remembering my friend, Ramon. About two summers ago, he was stressed out about how his girlfriend was angry at him for forgetting the 1-month anniversary (or, how we call it in local tongue, "monthsary") of their falling in love. A sweet sentiment, to be sure, but he found only the taste of laundry detergent in his mouth as he talked that day. I understand how both sides are right; Ramon is right that there needn't be a single day that is "more special" if everyday can be sweet, and she's right in the subtle need of maintaining and re-kindling the romance in a relationship.

Are we, as people, relational beings that we are, so fear cold that we constantly strive for ways to keep fires from going out?

In my head, I transplanted the actual event of the discussion into a different place: a nice house where the persona of the event would be cooking dinner for everybody. Sort of like a "cheer up, you'll be okay" event that a gang of friends would do for each other.

I penned this down, and plotted it into an "idea file". This idea, I do not know what to do with it. I wonder if I should write it as a poem, or keep make it into fiction or drama. I do not know how to write fiction or drama, but there's a first time for everything.

I am aware anybody can pick this idea out of this blog. Nevertheless, I have nothing to fear. This is just one of many I've drafted into the "idea file".I think it'll be a while before I'll have to dig into this file to write things for my creative thesis.

I don't worry. There's a lot more coming up too. I am grateful that this creative streak is so prosperous for me

current music: Favorite Things - Incubus

Your Birthdate: January 6

A birthday on the 6th of the month adds a tone of responsibility, helpfulness, and understanding to your natural inclinations. Those born on the sixth are more apt to be open and honest with everyone, and more caring about family and friends, too. This is a number associated with responsibility and caring - this birthday lends a degree of concern for others.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

current music: Glass - Incubus

A Form Of Women
Robert Creeley

I have come far enough
from where I was not before
to have seen the things
looking in at me from through the open door

and have walked tonight
by myself
to see the moonlight
and see it as trees

and shapes more fearful
because I feared
what I did not know
but have wanted to know.

My facd is my own, I thought.
But you have seen it
turn into a thousand years.
I watched you cry.

I could not touch you.
I wanted very much to
touch you
but could not.

If it is dark
when this is given to you,
have care for its content
when the moon shines.

My face is my own.
My hands are my own.
My mouth is my own
but I am not.

Moon, moon,
whn you leave me alone
all the darkness is
an utter blackness,

a pit of fear,
a stench,
hands unreasonable
never to touch.

But I love you.
Do you love me.
What to say
when you see me.

----------

I find this poem unusually poignant, almost relevant even, to my life today. But I can't remember why.

current music: Are You Gonna Go My Way? - Lenny Kravitz

I know some of you will stone me for "stealing", but I downloaded (at long last! It's done!) Jeff Buckley's 1st album, "Grace".

I'll just say that the term "Last Night an Album Saved My Life" applies right here. :)

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On an aside, it *almost* angers me that something corrupted my PC's version of Nero StartSmart! It is now difficult to burn CD's. :s

I have not tried finding out if I can burn via RealPlayer. Will see. Hopefully, it can help me get this growing mass of Mp3 albums (Common's "Be", Jeff Buckley's "Grace", Alanis Morisette's "Jagged Little Pill", Chris Rock's "Never Scared", Coldplay's "A Rush of Blood to the Head", The White Stripes' "Get Behind Me Satan" among others) out of the hard drive and into useable formats.

Or I'll end up having to buy a fricking expensive iPod/mp3 player alternative to get them playing. Which would be ideal, really; jogging isn't as much fun w/o music.

current music: the news, on Studio 23

I have lost count on how many weeks I have gone jogging with Jihan, my blockmate. I think it has gone on for the entirety of the past month. She did ask me if I wanted to go jogging with her, and we set up this twice-a-week evening thing, all in the name of getting fit.

I'm still at a loss where she found out I was jogging in Ateneo on Sunday evenings. I do that at pain of loss of priviledges and a deteriorating hypertension that is bothering my body.

I knew I needed some form of motivation. I find that if I do engage in self-improvement, I like knowing I'm not self-improving for MY sake alone, and that I can help somebody else. Jihan mentioned a nagging diabetes history in her family, so I agreed, lest she start taking insulin shots.

It's been quite an interesting arrangement. I pick her up at her boarding house in Teacher's Village, go to Ateneo, and run an average of three (3) kilometers a round. Then I drop her home. We meet up two days hence. If it rains, we re-schedule, and keep at it.

It's fun. I can mentally re-live my "inner wannabe Patrick Vieira" as I rush past the football field.

We run. We walk. We jog. We talk. We discuss school events. We discuss weird anecdotes that we've heard passed around. We've discussed secrets, and my strange talent of getting to learn people's secrets. We talked about family, the block, possible plans for the future, and the occasional health tip or two for the newbie runner (which we both are).

Running is a boring exercise. Hence, having her around helps alleviate the boredom! After all, an iPod or a CD player can only go so far, depending on the music selection.

I also have found the arrangement to be a factor that has been drawing me closer to Jihan. I remember a time when she'd regard me with darting, suspicious glances from our Non-Fiction class (particularly at how I would be one of the class' harshest critics). Nowadays, she can ask me anything, however bluntly, and I can answer fully and honestly.

Heck, if there were some kind of impersonation going around a la Harry Potter's Polyjuice Potion, I'm in hot soup.

People say I'm losing weight. I just thank them. I'm not a good judge of personal development. I just do what I can.

Of course, if I start getting new breaks because of a spiffy new physique, I'll start owing Jihan a LOT. And I wonder if I can really repay.

I have a cold. I can hardly speak. Breathing in itself feels almost unnecessary.

I missed my theo seatmates today. :s wala akong ma-kwentuhan.

Na-cancel ang gimik naming manood ng Pinoy Blonde, because 4 out of 5 of us (including me, but to a lesser degree) have a cold / feel sick.

As a consequence, the frondant cake had to be given away to the Pubroom people. But it also means its intended audience wasn't present.

The blockmates will go watch tomorrow, when I can't be there because of class. :(

School is full of faces I remember, but do not remember me. :(

My inbox is loaded with 22 new e-mails that have nothing to do with me. :(

Sir Larry returned "Desire" all pock-marked with revisions I don't 100% agree with. Because it wouldn't suit the message all that well.

I miss my crush. Terribly so. :(

Heading home, I had to walk all the way to the car alone. In the rain. (which isn't so bad, but today it wasn't right...not today)

The internet isn't working right because of the BitTorrent my sister runs. If I pause it, it would only mean she'd have to run it over a span of more days. Which is a lose-lose situation to me.

My Dad tried to shirk out of his committment of fetching my brother. He even tried to guilt-trip me into doing it for him, even when he said he'd do it himself.

I'm not alone, but it feels unusually so.

Sagot nga tayong mga Meme habang may katuturan pa ang lahat.

1. Name a movie you saw recently and want to recommend to others:

- Batman Begins. Darn. Christian Bale gives me goosebumps.

2. Name a movie you expected to dislike, but were surprised to find you actually liked:

- Got 2 Believe (starring Rico Yan and Claudine Barretto). No kidding. I liked it! All the more when I consider its 'modest' ambitions.:p

3. Name a movie you expected to like, but were surprised to find you actually did NOT like:

- I don't like admitting it, but it'll have to be The Matrix Revolutions. sad, sad, sad.

4. Name an underappreciated and/or little-known movie that you'd like your friends list to watch:

- There's this teen movie called "100 Girls"... about the dork kid who fell in love with an unknown girl one dark evening, and then spends his entire college life looking for her. It showed up on JackTV or something once. Aliw siya, to be fair, and the script is smart.

5. Name a movie you consider highly overrated:

- Titanic. Tangina. So the lovers fell in love in a sinking ship. So what?

6. Name a movie that you know is crap but you enjoy anyway:

- The Game of Death, starring Bruce Lee. Yes, the unfinished movie. If only for Bruce Lee vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, happy na ako! :D

7. Name a movie that you dislike even though you recognize that it's well made/high quality:

- In the same spirit, I go with Titanic. A lot of good work. Although I honestly don't like it!

8. Name a movie you used to like, but no longer do, for some reason:

- Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Probably because you can only go so far with that kind of story. :D

9. Name a miscast character, and also which actor you think should have played that role instead:

- I maintain that it'll always be Ben Affleck in Daredevil. Or anything Ben Affleck did during those years. shet.

10. Name a movie that still scares you, no matter how many times you see it

- Memento. No wonder I still love it.

11. Name a movie that still makes you cry, no matter how many times you see it

- erm... it'll probably be Good Will Hunting. Yeah. After 8 or so times, hindi pa siya nawalalan ng powers.

12. Name the movie that makes you laugh hardest and oftenest:

- National Lampoon's Van Wilder. Haha!!!

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

current music: LSS na ang "Speed of Sound" - Coldplay

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

current music: American Baby - Dave Matthews Band

There are seven cardinal sins. Some prefer gluttony, some avarice, and others wrath.

The one I struggle most these days is lust. I hate it. And I hate the person I fear I can become.

I worry. I wonder. I contemplate. Lust is something that cuts us off from others as it disguises itself as intimacy, or more accurately, the call for it.

I've often thought that maybe, just maybe, I was destined to be single. I always envisioned for myself a future of glory. In my daydreams, I would see myself and I felt like I stared into the heart of all opportunity. It's like I could own anything, achieve anything. In those daydreams, it was as though an oracle was telling me the future. And it said I couldn't fail.

(Incidentally, someone read my future and did tell me that. But I get ahead of myself.)

I could conjure some real whacked out imaginations. Others were darned cool. Some featured me driving a Ferrari. Others had me flying from city to city speaking before hundreds.

But in all scenes, one thing thing was common: I would do these things on my own. And I shan't share them with anyone.

Is it worth it? If you would never fail, but you'd be all alone?

current music: mmm... still Mata - Mojofly


it's raining. it's already 8:17 AM and it's almost as dark as if it were 8:17 PM. I love it. :)

Desire

The street-sweeper patrols the sidewalk
taking with his broom the many things
people let go of, left behind.

There's the dust that covered the floor
like a dark, rich, thick cloth
shed from the skin of so many.

There are cigarette butts,
wrapped balls of gum; he knows
they felt lips of those who ignore him.

He wonders of identity.
For example, the plastic cup
with pink lipstick on the edge

or the strands of hair,
the broken heel of shoes, and
the lost lens that touched someone's eyes.

Could she be pretty?
Could she be rich?
This I would love to see.

He collects what others sweep away;
it is an ever-unfinished jigsaw puzzle
of someone, somewhere.

He takes them in a broom, carries them in a pan.
Later he will leave them in that green bin
for safekeeping, for giving away, for letting go.


---------

dammit. ang hihirap ng mga assignment na 'to.

current music: Mata - Mojofly

Haay. I'm somewhat aggravated because:
1.) I was unable to go jogging this evening because my brother had to go to some spur-of-the-moment party. sheesh.
2.) I will not be able to drive myself home because of that same kid brother. and the refuses to say why. odds are, he may be selling drugs.
3.) I have absolutely no poem in mind for tomorrow (the one with the topic "Desire"). shit.
4.) I think I'm doing what I usually do when I like a girl: I sabotage myself. badly too. aw nuts.
5.) I'm broke. and my parents do not allow me to take on a part-time job, because it could affect my schooling. whatever.

I dunno. I'm not too happy.

I discover myself agreeing with Sir Tom:



"Tignan niyo ngang mga magaganda diya. Lumingon kayo."

We all turn to look at our classmates.

"Hanggang tingin lang tayo, no?"


hay naku. who knew it'd come down to this? :p

this is arguably my favorite poem of all time.


Impressions of Lent
Alfrredo Navarro Salanga

I.
Lent is the season of hot suns and mad dogs made mad by hot sons. It is also the season of the madman, and of beggars. Old women crowd the churches with candles and the smell of mothballs. And the children must learn to be quiet or the devil will cut their tongues out. One must be good these days and one should say his prayers slowly. Kiss his foot, son. No Mother, it smells bad. And one must remember to give food to stray dogs.

II.
The boy and the dog stood leaning on the cold stone of the church pillars. Women filed past them slowly, with the downcast eyes one often associates with adulteresses discovered. One must not throw stones unless he is without sin. The dog, who was incapable of sin, bit an old lady. The boy, who had just gone to confession, threw a stone at a beggar. The beggar, who was blind, started to thrash around in anger and, with his stick, knocked off the candles from an old woman’s stall.

III.
Maria was praying. With clammy hands, she counted the beads. She gazed at the suffering Christ above her. Fake drops of blood caressed His brow. Maria sighed and found it hard to pray. Fake! Fake! Everything was a fake around her. She turned her face and noticed the young man behind her. She gazed long at him. She gazed and thought of how much he resembled her god. The young man rose and she saw his limp.

IV.
Vis Crucis devotees were wailing their way. A leader chanted some verses and the chorus responded with cracked voices. Some of them walked on their knees. And they loved to do it. They left a trail of blood from their scratched knees. They loved to do it because Christ would love them more and make their husbands stop beating them. A woman in black thumps her vanishing breasts as she learns of Christ’s First Fall. An American tourist is busy taking pictures of the group. The devotees are shocked because is wife does not wear a veil.

V.
Home. And Mario is drunk. He sings a dirty song. He staggers around the house and makes a lot of noise. He swings an empty bottle and hurls it through his neighbor’s open window. The bottle strikes the shrine in the living room. And the Virgin’s image falls. The falling virgin drops on the baby’s crib. The baby is hurt and she cries. Later, when her mother comes home, she will blame the Virgin.

VI.
The doddering priest bellows from the pulpit. The Seven Last Words are as tearful as soap operas. He orates, declaims, cajoles the crowd into tears, and, by crying himself, causes the women to cry louder. As the Hour nears, the crowd cries and sings and prays. Many are waving their hands in an annual manifestation of sorrow and repentance. The church is full of women. And, in the churchyard, henpecked husbands fondle their roosters and think of Easter Sunday and the smiles it will bring; and, yes of course, the gala cockfight.

Bakit pa kasi nag-leave si Ma'am Beni??? :(

And to think I was planning for her to be my thesis advisor!!! Nooo!

Now, I have to hope Sir Krip will say it's okay. Or maybe Sir D.M. or somebody, dahil hindi ko personally kilala si Sir Vincenz at si Ma'am Naya.

Pwet!

------

Also have Guidance Testing tomorrow! 4:30 - 6 PM. As if I wasn't wasting enough time in school!

URgh.

------

In other news, first day was great. Former TnT partner Missy is now my practicum teacher, Sir Lerma's class looks really engaging, Ma'am Dacudao is nice, and Sir Rosario's (Tagalog! Sigh.) Philo class looks like fun. Also am happy to report that (so far) wala pa akong naging "kaklaseng bwiset", and that most of the familiar faces are quite welcome.

A trip to the "eaternet" cafe also allowed me to keep my tradition of eating out every 1st day. And yeah, 1/2 power lunch it was. Hehe. Guilty pleasures, really.

Un nga lang, may homework na agad ako! Sir Lerma's asking me to write a paper right away! Haay. The price of having the art gallery as your classroom. hehehe.

I learned today that some people, in spite of my decreased frequency of posting here, still do seek out this blog to keep up with my life. I'm flattered, because it means I'm remembered, even if I've forgotten to log in here. I chalk it up to a crash that took place which wiped out most of my old blogspot layout.

So, if you are one of the ones I mention, I will give you my other blog, the livejournal:

www.livejournal.com/users/heaven_spawn/

add me! :D

And yes, I still use this blog. I don't use it that frequently anymore, but I still do. In fact, I think I'll be using this a whole lot more in the next few months. :)

---------

I'm tired but happy. :) I'm also somewhat grateful that I didn't get picekd for OrSem. The past four days have been a mad rush of highs. All highs, no lows. :) I like, and I'm happy.

Tomorrow, rest na 'to. Or, I can buy Knights of the Old Republic II for the PC. Haha. Happy, happy, happy ako. :D

---------

here's my current sched:

Hi 166 L - Dacudao, TTH 1200 - 1330 CTC 308

FA 108 A - Ypil, Monday 430 - 730 CTC 319

FA 165.1 - Javellana, MWF 130 - 230 G-312A

FA 198 - Maramara, TTH 1030 - 1200 G-306

FA 166.3 - Lerma, TTH 300 - 430 Art Gallery

Ph 103 Q - Rosario, TTH 430 - 600 CTC 103

Th 151 A - Dy-Liaco, MWF 830 - 930 CTC 102

Lord help us all.

current music: quiet. and i like it. :) because there are still songs in my head, and i can hear them better that way. :D



I'm home, back from A29.

Staffing for these retreats is tricky business. I admit the fever and the LBM were NOT fun things to encounter away from home, but it was all good. I feel tired physically, but I still feel like I can keep going. :) Hehe. parang natural high. :)

I'm kind of sad, as Kuya Third and Mommy Tammy will be leaving. Shet. To think two of my favorite, most looked-up-to a-dayzers are leaving... :(

I learned so much from those two. I shall miss them dearly.

-------

In other news, congrats kay Ria and Dandan for 7 new kids! To Chai and Twinkle for a fantastic job, and to Vannie and Maundy as new vice-rectors of A30! :D

As homesick I was in the batch... I shall miss it. :)

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Ikaw? Do you need a retreat? Ako bahala sa inyo! :D

The Fifth Summer.

About last week or so, Arisa, one of this year's new tutors of LnK, was asking me to stay around one more year. After all, it'll be LnK's 25th anniv come 2006, and it'd be my sixth consecutive year there should I stick around. That'd be an unprecedented feat, considering how many of us leave within their first three years, and how most of them leave because they never get "elected into execom", or worse, that "their friends left na rin". And I know what that feels like :D.

As tempting as Arisa's offer stands, I look to the future. The last of my peers who stuck around, Angel, shall soon step down as Chair by the end of the year. Migs Balma, Chreesy, Honeypie, Tara and Perry are all stepping up to the plate to lead. The new Claret boys gang are all growing into legitimate kuyas for the kids. The new Miriam contingent is as strong as ever, and with Issa's kid brother Migs recruiting, there's also a whole lot more people from the PAREF system teaching.

And where will I be, if I stay? I belong to no 'faction', nor will my leadership be greatly missed for there are others. There are also more than enough able bodies to fill out classes by next summer. (unless something goes terribly wrong).

So sige. Tomorrow, barring any strange events come next summer, shall be my very, very, VERY last day of LnK. Especially since Jess comes first, and that I can't make my last Tutors' Outing on Saturday. :(

Tomorrow, there will be no fanfare, no "Lifetime Achievement Awards" jokes, no lights nor magic, no teary eyes. It'd be a graduation of my last 9 kids (arguably the ones I've taken the best care of ever), a short party for the grad, and tutors' night. And when it's over, bahala na. I may still help out teach the UPCAT reviews, but that'd be it. After that, well... fate and Jess will decide.

[Oddly enough, there is word that tomorrow somebody from the Philippine Star will be on hand to cover their graduation. Hehe. Funny how there's this sudden interest in our group now that many of my friends, peers, and well, me are all on their way out.]

It's been a good run. If anything, the greatest achievement this summer is that all 9 of my kids have recieved full scholarship benefits for their final schoolyear in high school. Proud ako. ü

Never no mind that they shan't elect me into execom next summer. I'd be nice, but if they don't, then I'd have no reason to stay anymore. Ate JenTan always said that we come back year by year, because, in light of the big picture, the kids need us. But now, I realize maybe it won't necessarily be me that they'll be needing anytime soon.

I'll miss it dearly. It was the place where dreams came true (some, literally!). I've met more friends there in the past five summers than I ever have in my entire time in high school and college, and a lot of the closest confidants I keep are found there.

I'll miss waking up early to make it in time for class. I'll miss staying up late to write out exams for the kids. I'll miss the tambay times in friends' houses, or the massive impromptu parties at my pad. I'll miss having to defend my committment to tutor the kids before my parents. I'll miss the lunches out, the movies watched together, the birthdays in Mang Jimmy's and the debuts in posh places here and there. And most of all, I'll miss the quiet knowing that what I do, somehow, adds up to the future of somebody other than myself, somebody I probably may never see again, but somebody whose life, hopefully, I'd have made better.

If I wasn't part of LnK, maybe (or most certainly) I'd never have been a Dayzer, I'd never have the heart to shift out, or that I'd lead summers like many of those rich kids wasting money on the beach or long-distance trips abroad. And that's precisely what I'm trained not to do: waste money, not in how my family's been doing this far. And besides, A-Days keeps me busy too, among other things. And while I serve one master in both pursuits, somehow, it's as though He wants me to pick one way to serve Him. And somehow, LnK ain't it anymore.

Hence, my departure. With my kid sister and younger brother still doing the college thing, I have to get a job when I'm out of school. (haha. sounds like a prison story.) And I realize I'm not wont to do the Law School/MBA/Masters/Med School thing, since that's exactly what I shouldn't be doing: I need to find work, dammit!

I need to either find marketable skills, or actually do something "worthwhile" that can help me get them skills. I have to leave the chalk, red ink and eraser behind, and look for something else that can give me something to wake up for.

I have to go, when I personally feel I'm not ready to leave yet. Not yet.

current music: Prayer Cycle - Hope

I've been thinking about doing something like this for a while now. Let's just see where it takes us. I consider this the message I'd write to be placed inside the very last bottle on this metaphorical deserted island. May it find the person it seeks.

OPEN LETTER TO ONE I DO NOT WISH TO EMBARRASS BY NAMING

Hi. We haven't talked in years, you and me. I know it's odd that you're reading this now. I find it unsual myself, considering that the last letter I wrote you served to drive us apart. But that's old stuff now. I'm certain much has changed in your side of the globe.

Me? I guess I'm okay. I'm positive you haven't heard about me in a long while. Friendster was enough to prove you had forgotten me. And yet, in a skewed, strange way, I'm glad you have. You see, I always thought that I should disappear from people's lives for long periods of time. Then, after I'd have gone through changes (like, become more outgoing, or lose weight), I'd find you again. And I'd see how people like you would find it all. How I got to start anew, how I got myself on the right foot.

Strangely enough, I'm the leopard who couldn't shed any of his spots. I still write poems when I'm lost. I still keep other people's secrets and worry about them silly. I still like reminding people that I'm around. I still wish I could let people understand what it'd be like if I weren't around.

I still think of you. After all these years.

I still think of you when I see starry nights, remembering how your eyes looked like, without your glasses. I still think of you when I see people dancing arm in arm. I still think of you when I see angels, and how you told me they meant something to you. I still think of you when I write poetry, and of the talks we've had about the topic. I still think of you when I hear stories about people who physically hurt themselves because they felt so lost and frustrated. I still think of you when I'm lost myself, and how your presence over a phone line kept me going fine.

I think of you when I see toenails painted red, like the night I told you how much I liked your shoes. You told me then that it wasn't new. But I wasn't really looking at your feet. I was just doing my best not to stare at your face that night, lest I be rude. And it wasn't easy mind you; you looked quite beautiful.

You haven't heard a peep from me about it, and yes, it's better that way. Last time we talked, you told me there was this man in your life, and that he was jealous as hell over guys like me who called. Fine. I decided to let whatever emotional attachment you held on me go. Like the poem goes "if little by little, you forget me, I shall forget you, little by little".

And yet somehow, I've not forgotten you. I can't forget you. Not you. After all, it's not easy wiping someone's tears and forget you were there when they wept? Or that maybe, just maybe, you knew what to do to stop them from crying, but you couldn't, and never forgive yourself for years to come?

Years passed and somehow, news about you still arrived. About how you were doing in school, or how you were so involved in dance and stuff. It was odd, hearing them. I thought I had moved on and was slowly making better. But truth be told, I also missed you. And it hurt knowing that when I started having feelings, we had to live separate lives.

For the most part, it's alright. But in my quiet moments in prayer, in thought, in meditation... thoughts still return to my past, which includes you and others I fail to be there for. Each time, I cannot do much but lift hands heavenward, for the hands can do little else than pray. And it isn't a good feeling.

I do not know why I'm compelled to write this. All I know is that somehow, we disappeared from each others' lives. I do not regret liking you, even if all the signs show me that you never did nor would feel the same way. I do not regret listening to your problems on the phone. I do not regret walking away from that evening an angel less and a few tears on my coat more.

All I know is that as I write this, I try to cast your memory away. For I know that I can't fully love others until I do.

I fervently hope that you're happy, wherever you may be. And if I find you again, please don't take it against me that I act like I've forgotten you. I'd prefer the anonymity, honestly, just as I'd expect you not to respond should I call out your name out of the blue some odd place else.

Goodbye and God bless,
Raphael