Daft Punk @ Coachella 2K6

Man. I love this.

current music: Want You to Know - Freelance Hellraiser

Taken from a friend's blog, post dated Feb. 14, 2007.


I will spend today wishing I were with you. Tagaytay will be perfect, I'm sure. Perfect for this perfectly saccharine holiday. It's just the escape I need; you know how much I've been dealing with lately. And yet, I know I'll just be thinking of you, and trying not to cry.

I considered not going, you know. Because it wouldn't be fair. Not fair at all. But the alternative was staying home, perhaps watching some Grey's, and eating my feelings. Then of course the tears would come. I didn't want to spend this year's Valentine's that way. Not that last year's was much better. But anyway. I'm choosing to try to be happy. Operative word being try. I guess the most I can hope for these days is distraction, and that's exactly what Tagaytay offered.

It's been, what, six days? Yeah, crazy of me to do such a thing a week before Valentine's Day. But you didn't leave me with much choice. You had barely anything to say. And when you did say things, they didn't leave me with much hope either. I so wanted you to fight for it, to convince me that there was sense in all of this, that we didn't spend so much time just to end up with nothing. But all I got from you was defeat, resignation to the fact that you had lost me and there wasn't much you could do about it because I had made up my mind.

You did say afterwards that you are fighting, that you'd be unbelievably stupid to give it all up. But where is that fight? It's Valentine's Day for heaven's sake. I'm not asking for much, you know that. Just some sign that you're more than just words, that you do love me enough to show me just how much. Because otherwise, there's not much reason for me to believe it.

Hay, I hate that I can't even find comfort in my music. Somebody suggested that I listen to heavy metal, saying it was guaranteed to make me feel better. But I guess the masochist in me still chooses crap like Third Eye Blind and Snow Patrol. And I realized that there are simply too many songs that remind me of you, most of which I love too much not to play. Like right now, Maps just came on. I'm singing along, and I hate how heartbreakingly sad my voice sounds.

What I fear most of all is that you'll eventually forget me. I told you how I can't even imagine us being friends after this. As much as I love you and want you to be happy, the thought of seeing you with someone else is just too much to bear. Because that would mean that you had found that one person you were willing to take care of, to take risks and to sacrifice for. And I just couldn't be that person, as hard as I tried.

I agree, it is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

"He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." (Jesus) said to him, "Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."... And he turned to him, and said "Follow me." " - John 21:17-18



It makes sense now, how I've to go where I don't want to go.

Because that's everywhere you aren't.

It's one thing to have Last Song Syndrome: a song stuck in your head.

It's another when a song has lodged itself into a crevice in your chest, and holed itself in, refusing to release hostages.

Drowned World / Substitute for Love
Madonna


I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly game
Some things cannot be bought
Got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for
more
I suffered fools
So gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
Had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt
So happy

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

mmmmmm

No famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one night stand, no far off land
No fire that I can spark

mmmmm

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion

===========

It's been months and I'm still not OK.
I don't think I'll ever be. Not over this; this was far too big, too dear.

===========

In totally different news, be happy for me everyone: I'm no longer a law student. :)

Thank you, PostSecret






current music: Stranded - Plumb

current music: Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins

Wow. It's morning already?

Okay. So, from my last post which was way back the day before my birthday, a lot's changed. I'm gonna get to all that. I just woke up. Clock at the bottom right corner of my screen says it's 10AM, and I've got a class come 11, so I ought to be quick.

Nevertheless, I learned a lot. And I lost a lot. And I'm strangely coping well.

I wish I could rewind time so I could correct all my idiocies, but I can't. I just have to deal with it.

I will say though: the song above is very... apt.

Once, several months ago, when I felt this way, my father said that everything, even the dreams that I want for myself, are all difficult, just like my current predicament in law school. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but I didn't; my thoughts at the time were too badly contaminated with indignation to be rational.

Now, months later, I think I got it sort of figured out.

About myself, I know two things are for sure:

1.) I can't "make" myself love anything (or anyone). It has to be something I choose to do, and for reasons that must come naturally. Because when I REALLY love, I put everything into it, fight for it, betray friends for it, kill for it, die for it.
2.) I hate things that have no "upside". I love a challenge, but I hate it when there's nothing in it to keep me interested. Clarify: I don't mind if a challenge has nothing in it for me if I find it interesting, but even if I get a million dollars daily for something I find not worthwhile, I'm put off.

That being said, I find that I don't love law school, I can't make myself love law school, and that reading law has nothing in it that keeps me motivated, hungry, eager to keep achieving. I hunger for success, and law offers me a lot of success, but it's not a kind of success my heart wants. I find law school unrewarding. The legal profession, maybe, I just might find some small measure of happiness.

But having talked to Dad about a cousin of his and her recent legal problems, I discovered that I don't really want to get paid to solve problems of people who are too dumb to do it themselves, who could have done it themselves.

I pay no one to solve problems for me. I ask help, but won't have them do everything. Nobody does that for me, and I don't want people to do it for me. In return, I believe that I shouldn't really get paid to do it either.

Well, I dunno. All I know is that it's so hard to find something that both keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning, but is never too easy. Right now, I've got a challenge that drains me of my willingness to work.

The last time I felt that motivated and inspired was when I was directing theater, or writing poems for my grades, or teaching English to public school kids over the summer for free, or helping people find Kuya Jess. I get that everytime I apply myself in something I know for sure I love and have (some measure of) talent for.

But law?

....MAYBE I have some talent for it too. MAYBE I can enjoy it.

But right now, I find my resolve to keep at it evaporating.

My grades are bad, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm trying to fix them, but I think I'm already too deep in the red to really make an impact. I can't ask for help, because really, who'll help me?

I'm depressed, demoralized, and essentially alone in my despair.

Come March, if nothing changes, I want out.