Once, several months ago, when I felt this way, my father said that everything, even the dreams that I want for myself, are all difficult, just like my current predicament in law school. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but I didn't; my thoughts at the time were too badly contaminated with indignation to be rational.

Now, months later, I think I got it sort of figured out.

About myself, I know two things are for sure:

1.) I can't "make" myself love anything (or anyone). It has to be something I choose to do, and for reasons that must come naturally. Because when I REALLY love, I put everything into it, fight for it, betray friends for it, kill for it, die for it.
2.) I hate things that have no "upside". I love a challenge, but I hate it when there's nothing in it to keep me interested. Clarify: I don't mind if a challenge has nothing in it for me if I find it interesting, but even if I get a million dollars daily for something I find not worthwhile, I'm put off.

That being said, I find that I don't love law school, I can't make myself love law school, and that reading law has nothing in it that keeps me motivated, hungry, eager to keep achieving. I hunger for success, and law offers me a lot of success, but it's not a kind of success my heart wants. I find law school unrewarding. The legal profession, maybe, I just might find some small measure of happiness.

But having talked to Dad about a cousin of his and her recent legal problems, I discovered that I don't really want to get paid to solve problems of people who are too dumb to do it themselves, who could have done it themselves.

I pay no one to solve problems for me. I ask help, but won't have them do everything. Nobody does that for me, and I don't want people to do it for me. In return, I believe that I shouldn't really get paid to do it either.

Well, I dunno. All I know is that it's so hard to find something that both keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning, but is never too easy. Right now, I've got a challenge that drains me of my willingness to work.

The last time I felt that motivated and inspired was when I was directing theater, or writing poems for my grades, or teaching English to public school kids over the summer for free, or helping people find Kuya Jess. I get that everytime I apply myself in something I know for sure I love and have (some measure of) talent for.

But law?

....MAYBE I have some talent for it too. MAYBE I can enjoy it.

But right now, I find my resolve to keep at it evaporating.

My grades are bad, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm trying to fix them, but I think I'm already too deep in the red to really make an impact. I can't ask for help, because really, who'll help me?

I'm depressed, demoralized, and essentially alone in my despair.

Come March, if nothing changes, I want out.