Before I Forget - 11-11-11 Wishing

Wishes are curious things. Why do I say that? Well.

Once, I made a wish. I wished for love. I wished for a love so great and so powerful it’d shake me everyday. A love that would get me up at dawn, make me smile all day, and hold me close all the way through dusk to daybreak.

I never found the girl I’m destined to care for, look after, serve breakfast in bed and take out to magical evenings for the rest of my life. I never “Wow”-ed anybody into pulling me by the scarf and into a fantastic world all our own. I never had the chance to sweep somebody off their feet, in new ways every time.

I never got a somebody. I was too busy learning how to string words together so people could be whipped into emotions of joy, sorrow, excitement and the like. I was caught up clutching a camera, capturing the stuff in our crazy corner of the world.

I found no one because I couldn’t be found. I was in the far corner making friends with people you didn’t notice because they weren’t as cool as you. I was in a church in summer, in makeshift classrooms teaching kids who struggled through school. I was in the mountains discovering indigenous peoples’ culture. I was moving a ball at my feet to teammates for a goal. I was reading, listening to music, watching documentaries, dancing to a different beat.

I needed no one because I was surrounded by great friends. I cried over no one person in particular - I had enough people try to take me down to keep me always on my toes, always a few heart palpitations away from stopping cold.

In the end, my life led me someplace far away where I couldn’t be kept. Something else decided to keep me and make better use of me, in ways that stir my heart everyday.

I wish the same thing every New Year, every birthday, every week, every waking hour: I wish for love. A love that tells me my life can be better. The kind that rights the wrongs in your life, the kind that never makes you hope for less.The kind that sets you ablaze with hope. The kind that kick starts all over again, on days hope is stomped out and doused with cold water. The sort that keeps you up at night, and gets you up early at dawn, for the rest of your days.

Wishes are curious things. And this 11-11-11, on a day we’re all told me make a wish, I wish for nothing more, nothing less.

(And if I had another wish? Maybe somebody to share it with too. That would be perfect.)

current music: If You Ever Come Back - The Script

I wrote this for a friend and fellow Dayzer. It was her goodbye present on her way to Dubai. Never was good at Filipino, but if she wasn't going to hear it in a long while, I had to try, if just for her.


Pabaon Kay Denise

Patawad Denise, patawad. Kilala mo na ako't
hindi mo sana ako ipagkait ng iyong pasensiya,
lalo na't maaring hindi maayos ang daloy ng aking pagsulat
sa isang wikang maaring hindi na umaabot sa iyong mga tenga.

Ngunit isinusulat ko ito para sa iyo.
Dahil darating din, darating din,
darating din ang araw na ika'y iiyak.
Iiyak ka, at iiyak uulit dahil damang-dama mo
kung gaano kalawak at gaanong tindi ang nawala sa iyo
ngayong naglisan ka sa mga islang nagduyan sa iyo
bilang musmos sa sansinukob habang
nag-iikot ka sa ating asul na planeta.
Ngayon, nasa ibang lugar ka,
kung saan ang dagat ay gawa sa buhangin lamang,
at ang mga bagyo ay hindi mula
sa amihan o habagat kung hindi alikabok at alat.

Sa katahimikan ng disiyerto, maiisip mo
na sana marinig mo ulit ang tunong ng Tagalog,
at kahit ang pinakamasarap na pagkain doon -
Falafel, Hareis, Mehalabiya, Shawarma -
ay hindi pa rin tunay na kapalit
sa adobo, liempo, sinigang o tinola.
Mawawala ang mga gig ng Stonefree, at Parokya;
mag-iiba na din ang One More Chance
dahil nasa Dubai ka, at si John Lloyd naman, sa Maynila.

Sana sa mga sandaling ito,
kung minsan nananabik ka, at nababagot na
sa layo mo mula sa iyong iniwang mundo,
matanaw mo lang ang buhangin ng disiyerto.
Pagmasdan kung paano dinadampot ng hangin
ang mga butil ng buhangin, at dinadala kung saan-saan.

Ganoon din ang ating buhay - natatangay at nadadala
at susuot sa pinanggagalingan ng luha,
kung saan naipapamalas ang alaala.
Sa mga gabing iyon, maghanap ka ng salamin,
tumayo ka sa dilim at ilalim ng bituin.
Ipunin sa kamay ang buhangin na tulad ng nasa baybayin ng Pilipinas,
ituyo ang iyong mata at makikita mo
nariyan kami, nariyan,
nariyan lang sa iyong tabi,

sabay narito pa,
at naghihintay sa iyong matamis na pag-uwi.

current music: Heartbeat - Tahiti 80


In my life I have fulfilled the following personal dreams:

1.) Become a Jesuit Volunteer of the Philippines
2.) Taught high school English for a year
3.) Got a job in a really, REALLY cool non-profit!
4.) Finished Metal Gear Solid 4 and God of War 3. Video game story lines FTW!
5.) Watched Up Dharma Down live. (Yes, dream fulfilled!)
6.) Watched Radioactive Sago Project live. (Not a HUGE fan, but I love their music nonetheless).
7.) Get published on an anthology of poetry, even just once (and it felt real nice).
8.) Watched Tahiti 80 live! (now I don't have to go to France to hear them play!)
9.) Done something absolutely reckless for a girl I liked. (and it ended well, as far as the act went)
10.) Fought with my parents over a girl I loved. (and it didn't end well, as all fights with parents go)
11.) Acted in a theatre production
12.) Directed a theatre production (even if it was for a school project)
13.) Visited different places in the Philippines, such as Cagayan de Oro, Davao, Iloilo, Cebu, Bohol, Dapitan and more!
14.) Cooked food for "my family", for a long, long stretch of time!
15.) Gone white-water rafting in Cagayan de Oro! (And it was AWESOME)
16.) Fulfilled somebody else's "I wish I could before I die" wishes.
17.) Got a job writing for a living.
18.) Got a job involving the Internete.
19.) Applied the "useless" lessons I picked up in my education in order to impress girls.
20.) Learned to make a bonfire, for cooking.
21.) Help a friend in the midst of a massive emotional breakdown.
22.) Help somebody in the midst of a massive medical emergency. (and it happened to me twice)
23.) Attend a TED event (in my case, TEDxManila 1!)
24.) Learn basic photography from a friend who is really good at it.
25.) Watch a traditional Talaandig dance. (watched a lot of them, actually)
26.) Watch a movie alone, and be okay with it.
27.) Travel alone, and be okay with it.
28.) Line up at 12 midnight to be the very, very first in line for Ateneo-La Salle basketball tickets.
29.) Experience playing "Rock Band" with a group of friends together.
30.) Discard a bad relationship from my life permanently.
31.) Learned how to let go of somebody who doesn't or won't love you the same way.
32.) Score a goal in football. (futsal and field)
33.) Hit a 3 in basketball to win a (pick-up) game
34.) Learned how to use an Apple computer (and learn to embrace it wholeheartedly)
35.) Get away with being way wasted drunk, and way wasted high.
36.) Became friends with a real-life local celebrity.
37.) Survive a vehicular accident.
38.) Drive from Manila to Tarlac, back and forth, in one day.
39.) Take a motorcycle up a mountain.
40.) Break a foot and come back still being able to play football.
41.) Make somebody's dark day a little brighter.
42.) Watch young children play football in Iloilo. (they're incredible)
43.) Coach basketball to young students
44.) Become an "official photographer" for a village.
45.) Publish a school newspaper
46.) Meet Neil Gaiman.
47.) Get Neil Gaiman to autograph Alan Moore's "Watchmen". (o, saan ka pa?)
48.) Take a girl I liked to ice cream. (pity she already had a guy! tsk!)
49.) Order drive thru in a fast food joint with a date, except on foot.
50.) Dance with the most beautiful girl in my prom.


I'm sleepy, so I'll cut this short. And besides, how many people do you know have fulfilled 50 dreams in their life?

But know what? I realize that only so many of these involve owning a lot of money. They mostly involved a willingness to take a chance.

I hope I have it in me to continue on my next great dream. :)

I am home, it is quiet, and everything I read from my blogs feels like they're ages and ages ago. In truth, I've only last checked up on them about a month ago, and last updated them within the year. Still, it's reflective of who I am now, how much I've changed, and how different my outlook feels.

There's much I no longer recognize. I don't remember the vast emptiness that was when I was heartbroken. The love I had for her hasn't disappeared; merely put aside. The emotions I've had when I read poems, listen to music, or take in film all changed too. I don't have the same kind of urgency here, but at the same time, there's a greater sense of selfless purpose - like I don't want to strive for just myself anymore, but I dream of being a conduit of a greater good.

I don't know where I'm going. I only know I'm being guided like a blind man is led by his son or daughter, like a birthday celebrant is led to his surprise. I only step slowly forward, confident of the anticipated good, yet still nervous of a possible disappointment.

I only regret that while I would have loved to share this journey, I can only do it alone.

Saw this on a friend's LJ. Aliw.



I am the Life Surfer! Who are you?

The Life Surfer

You surf on life, enjoying the best bits. You're curious and like to meet new people, as well as learning about the human mind. You search for new experiences and adventures and love to share them with friends. You're creative and approach challenges in a broad way. Spontaneity and diversity guide your actions, which makes it difficult for you to focus and commit.

• 54%sociable, adventurous, outgoing, energetic
• 50%sympathetic, modest, compliant, forgiving
• 33%efficient, organized, thorough, self-disciplined
• 63%curious, unconventional, imaginative, artistic

current music: Makapiling Ka - Sponge Cola