I am home, it is quiet, and everything I read from my blogs feels like they're ages and ages ago. In truth, I've only last checked up on them about a month ago, and last updated them within the year. Still, it's reflective of who I am now, how much I've changed, and how different my outlook feels.

There's much I no longer recognize. I don't remember the vast emptiness that was when I was heartbroken. The love I had for her hasn't disappeared; merely put aside. The emotions I've had when I read poems, listen to music, or take in film all changed too. I don't have the same kind of urgency here, but at the same time, there's a greater sense of selfless purpose - like I don't want to strive for just myself anymore, but I dream of being a conduit of a greater good.

I don't know where I'm going. I only know I'm being guided like a blind man is led by his son or daughter, like a birthday celebrant is led to his surprise. I only step slowly forward, confident of the anticipated good, yet still nervous of a possible disappointment.

I only regret that while I would have loved to share this journey, I can only do it alone.

No, I'm okay, really.

I just miss her.



current music: X'mas Lights - Ang Bandang Shirley

Miss Manalo 3.0 (a.k.a. The "Ten Commandments")

"Raph, kamusta chicks?"

This is the traditional first question one of my friends asks when I see him, in his regular guy-talk tone. This question, while not in that form, is posed to me by almost everyone I know lately, whether they're my parents and family or my friends and work peers. I've grown good at dodging the question, mostly by telling only a tiny part of the truth, and for some people, twisting the truth to satisfy their curiosity enough, while still protecting the people involved.

One such friend asked me to come up with my "vague list" of things I look for in a girlfriend. The concept is not new - we at LnK called it your "Mr./Ms. Manalo" list. In it, you describe the makings of a real winner for you. I wrote as she was, well...criticizing, the current girl who has today come to mean the world to me. I guess I have friends who look out for me that way - real friends interfere, after all.

Here's what we ended up with - my "10 Commandments" in finding the girl I want.


#1: Bawal Nagyoyosi
Fairly non-negotiable! I have had near-death experiences due to my asthma, and my grandmother died due to an attack. It's a family thing maybe. Either way, I don't like the smell of cigarette smoke. Smokers smell bad. Bad-smelling people turn me off. Girls who smell nice, however, win themselves free hugs and dinners out.

#2: Smart, can keep up with conversations. Doesn't need a PhD, nor the sense of accomplishment it has.
Yes, the bobo need not apply. I want somebody who can confidently converse with a wide range of topics, and is open-minded enough to keep up or at least demonstrate willingness to learn. You need not be my teacher - it's a partnership. We will learn from one another.

I don't need poets, I don't need video game players or artists or Gooners or whatever else the girl is into to share my world completely. I want to pick up from her new things, and for her to pick things up from me.

#3: Busy always.Tipong, wala kang mababalitaan sa kanya in ages.
I like girls who never have time for anybody. Because when she actually makes time for me, it means a lot. Time for me is priceless and waiting is hell, so I want somebody who levels with me on that. Girls who like to make time for me always are awesome, but if she's always so busy AND STILL take time, astig lalo.

I also love the feeling of making people miss me. Because when I find him or her, they're extra nice. And I love the feeling of being cared for extra.

#4: A pretty face trumps a sexy body any day of the week.
I like girls who are both. But if I had to pick just one, the pretty girl wins. I've had crushes on stick-figure girls who are pretty. (and Lord knows I dislike stick figured girls.) I've had crushes on girls who are fat (not chubby, FAT) because I could stare at her smile all day. And while I like them slender and tall, if they're ugly, it switches it all off.

Both being pretty and being sexy are relative. I reserve the right to pick using my own tastes

#5: Takes care of my family. Lets me look after hers.
Her parents can have rules and be strict and all that, fine. I just want to be able to demonstrate too that I'm not the kind of guy who messes around. I also like families that aren't mine. Because we learn stuff from each other.

As for me, my family is still valuable, but not perfect. My family is not the closest-knit nor the best and warmest, but I want her to at least show she gives a damn about the people who I can't escape from yet. haha.

#6: Lets me totally fucking spoil her. Will be maalaga too, even when I don't ask.
In a Psych test they gave in college, of my personal needs the test showed I have high levels of Nurturance and Succorance. They made those with high marks for both raise our hands. They said "masarap ma boyfriend/girlfriend mga yan!" That's because we had a high desire to care for others, and be cared for.

I'm like a big tree with relationships. I don't need much - just water and sunshine. And in return, I'll give shade and fruit and never leave. But like any tree, I don't always ask for you to water me. So I'd like some thoughtful girl to tend to me as I grow and cover her.

Similarly, I want to be that big tree and give what I can, even if it means they'll chop me up for fire. I'm built that way. I love girls who don't say no when I offer them things. Sarap kasi alagaan. Maalaga = sexy.

#7: Trusts me explicitly.
The great Neil Strauss wrote, "Love is a wave, trust is the water." Need I say more?

#8: Needs not be religious. Spiritual is better. Atheistic is bullshit.
Despite what the atheists say about clinging to old beliefs out of fear, I find that people who believe in God are far braver. That's because they take a chance on something so less certain, and that's courageous beyond description. You stake your life on the principles of a being you're not sure of? Wow. I want a girlfriend who is brave like that.

At the same time, I also want somebody with an open heart and mind. I've never dated a Dazer, despite how I feel they're the bravest and sweetest love-ers there are out there. She can have her own morality based on the Jedi Code for all I care. I just want her to act right, and understand me on a level beyond just actions, words and facial ticks.

Religous is okay, but I never needed her to share my beliefs, as long as she's got beliefs. More important to me than having the same faith, I really want her to have a close relationship with her God. That's key to knowing she'll level with me.

#9: Whether or not maraming friends or family, she is not insecure by what they think.
She has to have a mind of her own, and will not be fettered by old or immature thinking. As awesome as our friends or family are, they don't always know what is best for us. And we should learn to choose what we have for ourselves and not just because it's easy to "show off" to them.

(And I don't like being showed off - it's only done by those who need to boost one's small self-esteem.)

#10: Puts up with my bullshit. And doesn't purposefully drive me away
I am not the easiest person to love. I know this. If you're reading this, you know this too well. So. I want somebody who can stand the rain. If she wants to stand with me in the sunshine, she must be brave enough to stand the rain too.

Conversely, I once fell in love with a girl who liked to push me, drive me away. She kept insisting we kept a certain level of distance. Something about being afraid of "what might happen" and I hated her. I dislike her to this day; what she did hurts still.

When I love you, I will want no less than to be growing ever closer everyday. It will be my single-minded yearning, my only real desire, and I don't take well to being told I'm not worth being close to. To push me away in regular intervals is painful and insulting and grounds for me never speaking to you again.


So do you guys know any such girls? It's not unreasonable, is it? Hehe




current music: Ivy - Edge of the Ocean

The Apology



Nelli,

Heya.

I have a confession to make: I have never, ever, ever kissed a girl.

No bullshit! I've never kissed a girl. No girl has ever wanted to kiss me. Not only have I ever not had sex, I've never had a girl say she liked me (out loud). I've never seen a girl naked in person before. I've never gotten so far as to have somebody think of me "in that way". Yes, I've been offered and I've turned down the more physical, flirtatious advances I've had from girls with one drink too many, but that's as far as my romantic history goes.

Then there was this girl who held my hand one stray evening and made me feel by her words and deeds, by her constant asking of my attention and my time and energy that I was worth keeping. That was Mela. And you were at May's party: you saw how she decided not to keep me, how cold and distant we are now, and I promised myself never to be used up by anyone like that again.

Romantically, I've always been a loser. I've never been great with girls. I know how to get along with girls, have fun and play around and show them a good time, but I've never taken it further than the casual laughter-laded conversation, nor had I found anybody worth giving more to.

And finally, there's you. You, whom I've kissed on the cheek, held hands with, bought flowers for, seen in a bikini, walked together with on a beach, and even shared a bed to sleep with. You who I watch American Idol with, you who slept on my couch, in my car, and in chairs and tables around the house. You who bought me cheese at Santi's, fries at McDonald's, strawberry wine at Baguio and cupcakes at Sonja's. You who shared coffee with me, shared secrets with me, and even tried to set me up on a date with her best friend. All that, in a span of two and three months, when other friends I've made wouldn't dare do these for me all through the years I've known them.

You told me that I was your best guy friend. You told me about the boys you used to date, confided about your history and more. You told me things like how you have a tendency to depend on people, and one of these people you said was me. And you even once said that if things were different, we'd be together and that I really just wasn't what you wanted now.

Of all that, what truly truly struck me was how you said I was your best guy friend. Because nobody ever said that to me before. Nobody made me feel valuable like you ever did, and not in a romantic way, but in a way like a truly deeply affective companion.

And that's because, over the past two glorious months, I've come to depend on you like nobody. I've come to find some validation in knowing that you were always there. That if the chips were down Nelli would still make my day. That you always had the best thing to say about the gloomiest subjects, because you wouldn't joke about it; you'd take me seriously. That you trusted me, and it was a world of joy knowing you did.

None of my friends have been as open as you have been to me. It means so much that you are, that you don't mince words, that you counted me close to you, as I do you.

Then again, my friends will all say the same thing: the closer you get to Raph, the more likely he's going to hurt you. And at times, he won't even realize it until it's too late - you'll just get hurt.

And hurt you I did. I'm not proud of that Saturday at Ate Mott's. I'm not proud of my behavior with you and Gelo at Trinoma. I'm not proud of the doubts, fears, suspicions I've harbored and told no one - how you might be just using me, or taking advantage of my feelings, or that you were being reckless with my heart by dating around, especially when I was still courting you.

The thing is? All these are so, so small, compared to what I did. And while I promised to do you right, I didn't do you right there. For that, I'm so sorry.

You see, I wanted to be ever so closer to you, so much because you've come to mean this much to me that I was so wrapped up in it, that I couldn't tell apart being in love, and being loved, and actually loving. And I forgot it didn't need t o be in that way either.

I took for granted the ways and sacrifices you'd used to make for us to hang out, for us to be friends, and for you and I to get to know each other better. I forgot how attentive you've always been to my every mood shift, my every facial tick, or even the food I'd eat and the way I'd drive. I forgot how present you have awlays tried to be in my life, and how you'd share me yours by meeting your friends and by walking me around Malate.

I forgot that's how you cared for me, when I took them for granted, or took them as something different. That's how hungry I was for you, I guess, that in the end I just took and took and didn't realize I was hurting you, or making things hard for you.

Today, I'm alone at home on a Saturday, and I look outside at the driving rain clean the air like a cool bath. Summer has ended. Time away to think and reflect has been kind. You are right; I do need time away, I do need growing up and moving forward to do.

And as grateful as I was to finally fall in love this summer, I want to start the rainy season knowing I found something better: I found you, my once-constant companion.

All I ask is reconciliation.

If there's anything I promise you, it's that I treasure this friendship we've forged. Thanks to you I've gotten to see how much better a guy, a better future boyfriend, a better child of God I can be. You've been a good influence, helping me lose weight and motivating me to get a job, and plan farther into my future, to chase dreams I want, to help get my life back in order.

And I want to return the favor. I want to make your life that much better, because for this summer you've made mine that much wonderful too. I'm sorry how summer ended on this, but if you could find it in yourself to forgive me, I'd gladly do all I can to make it up to you all the rest of the year long.

There. I've said my piece. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please know that no matter what happens, I'll remember you with fondness, gratitude, humilty and joy.

Thanks for everything, Nelli. Be safe.

-Raph

current music: silence, but I hear "Whenever, Wherever, Whatever" in my head



We are at Manila, and nobody in my house knows I'm with her. We are parked in front of the bank. She's reclined her seat, and is trying to sleep, recharging her batteries for an interview in an hour. I'm writing this draining my laptop's battery. I kill the radio so I don't drain the car's battery. And I'm already trying my best to weather the next battery of the various tasks and errands we do as "constant companions".

It has been two weeks since she asked me to stop courting her. She told me that this wasn't what she wanted. I was saddened; I realized that I did something wrong, or I got too emotional, or I lost sight of what she wanted, how she felt, how unsure she may have been about it all. She said that there are things her life must take care of first - a job, moving out, a life away from our homeland. She said she feels how I care for her, but she can't have a boyfriend - she feels her life can't afford to be smothered by another's. Not now.

She's curled to the side, her breasts heaving high and low at her breath, and they are so beautiful. She's so beautiful when she sleeps. I want to curl up close, hold her near me and chase her down the footpath of dream and sleep, to kiss her lips and take in her breath's scent.

But there's just no room; this is a small car, and she can barely find a comfortable position for herself. What more with me in the picture?

I still love her, though. Always.