Thoughtfulness

I have a lot to be grateful for. But I still lack.

Right now? 

I need thoughtful people in my life. 

I was labeled that early in life. "Thoughtful". In some ways, it was because of how I would sit alone and brood, lost in thought. I would daydream frequently. I would over-analyze. I lived a robust internal life.

That's not the form of thoughtfulness that we know best. That's not the one that counts the most.

I did, also, get tagged as the other kind. I guess it's because whenever I had a free hand or a free hour, I'd ask people if I could do stuff for them. Or if I could take care of something, or deal with something they didn't like. That's me at home. That's how I managed to keep my place. 

It was my "love language," so to speak. I like making nice things happen. I like making things a little easier, or more pleasant, or more comfortable for others. I'd like others to do that for me. So I made every effort to be of service. 

Over time? I guess it wore me down. 

I can't live a life with nobody asking about how I'm doing. I can't live a life where I have to pay people to help me all the time, when I know that there are people out there who can share just a few minutes for my sake. I don't want to go forward with nobody to run to, when I'm the one who drops everything and runs when they need me. 

And since the career path I chose has me giving more of my time, energy, effort, and compassion directed to helping others, there's no way I can sustain all of this on a Heart Full of Hope. 

I need other people. And frankly, the people I'm surrounded with right now (that includes most of my family) are bad at being thoughtful, in my estimation. 

Everybody has their own lives. I get that. Everybody is free to do what they want. I guess I just wish somebody used their freedom the way I did. And that somebody would do so on my behalf. I want to believe that people have my welfare at heart. And I know that I have no right to be resentful if others just don't want to be 'the better person'.

But I don't want 'what's best for me'. I want what fills me up, and revitalizes me to keep going. I want what helps springboard me to continue helping others. I want someone in my life who can sharpen the saw, not run me ragged. I want somebody who appreciates what I bring to the table, recognizes this, and knows how to fuel me forward too. 

So this is where I am. And this is why I'm sad, I guess. And this is what will keep me up at night, wondering, wishing, tossing, turning.