current music: Be Mine - Robyn

Para sa Isang Nawawala

Patawad, patawad -
nakatakda na sa tala-arawan
ang mga araw na ika'y nasa Maynila;
bukas, mawawala ka muli,
luluwas palabas, palayo,
patungo sa mga ibayong dalampasigan
nang aking likhang-isipan.

Doon na lamang kita nakikita,
naikakamusta, nadadalaw;
paano pa ang telepono, na may hangganan ang naibabato,
o ang mga sulat na hindi sasalta sa poderas ng iyong pamahayan?
Tila lagi ka namang wala dito,
kung saan ka pinakakailangan,
kung saan ka sana ang magiging simula
sa isang maligayang kinabukasan.

Ngunit,
sasabihin ko sa iyo:
kahit sa bawat sandali ika'y napapalayo,
o kaya't lagi kang lumalakbay, at naiiwan ako dito

hinihintay kita,
at araw-araw, gabi-gabi,
hanggang sa wakas, hahabulin kita,
at doon tayo magtatagpo,
sa pook na kahit ang buwan, walang natatakbuhan.


===================

To You Who Is Forever Away

Forgive me, forgive me -
already the days are numbered, marked and measured
when you are here in Manila;
tomorrow, you will leave me again,
away to that distant shore of my dreams,
jagged as dashed rapids are jagged,
crashing on a cliff.

It is in dreams now I find you,
in a place where no phone numbers can be reached as dialed
or no letters can be read in our wordless language of waiting.
Tomorrow you will leave again,
and I will watch the sky for signs of you.
I stay and watch my face grow old,
ever nearing a future where you're not here.

Yet, I tell you,
at every hour, every second,
at every single moment you spend leaving me,
I am here, still waiting for you.
And for all that time, I will stay,
'till the day comes when I will find you, chase you down
to where the moon can't swim from these shores and drown.

current music: Sa Madaling Salita - Ang Bandang Shirley

I've been thinking.

You made your choice.
But maybe I haven't made mine.

And I think there's a time when I'm tired of watching you disappear, time and again.

I've always loved you, but I don't think you know what that means.
Nor how deep this all goes.

Nor how I can't take that back, never mind that I've met others, others who love me better.

Because maybe, just maybe
it's me who can love you best.

1 A.D.


I think there were still candles left alit
when we left our little room
to search for things we wanted
but we both didn't have for each other.

It's been a while and we haven't returned;
it's probably too dark for us to be together again there,
now as you say all the lights are snuffed out,
that we can't go back,
that we forgot matches, and can't spark another start.

You tell me this again and again,
your eyes looking elsewhere, for places
I can't walk to with you.

But
what if things now are different,
that the light didn't die,
that the flame caught a curtain or something,
and burned the house down?

Maybe what we really have left inside
isn't darkness, but soot-stained memories like ash,
stuck to skin, and unwilling to leave.

Or maybe
this fire we have inside
could still be burning, waiting for us
to come back,
stay,
and warm ourselves, arms entwined in embrace.

Let's not put out the fire.
Besides, Dearest,
your kiss alone puts these flames to shame.

current music: Be Mine (ballad version) - Robyn

Friends, please, please listen to this song playing in my current music! You'll find it on Robyn's MySpace page. 

It kinda got me thinking. Heh.

---------------------

I was driving home today and I realized that at the end of it all, I have a rather "high-maintenance" life. And in a certain sense, I'm not always making a good account of it. I'm having more and more trouble "paying the upkeep" to keep the life I lead. For instance:

- I've got lots of friends, but not a lot of time for all of them (some even envious of the time I 'allocate' to others). I'm always eager to catch up, but life got in the way. 

- I have a job I love, but I'm not great at it (even downright bad at it on some days)

- I have family duties that I can't get out of. And this family's very... particular about how I live.

- I have things I do "that are for life improvement" (writing, soaking up art, exercise, etc) that I want to always do, but don't always do.

My dad's old classmate, Dr. Dans, once gave the commencement speech for the graduates of PGH Med, and he said related how he subdivided his life into "big and small rocks". You put the big rocks first, then the rest fit. I took a deep look and saw that the rocks have moved, changed, and re-sorted themselves lately.

Raph's "Big Rocks"

1.) Kendo training every Saturday afternoon

2.) Days meetings every Saturday (sometimes), with batches every now and then

3.) Days rounds/parties/times out, variable times

4.) Time with family, Sundays

5.) work, weekdays, afternoons non-negotiable

6.) AAA board meetings, Wednesdays, once a month

7.) AAA events, and related meetings, interviews, etc depende sa araw.

8.) time devoted to blogging, writing, journalling, etc

9.) any and all friends who need me to be wherever (because I'm a sucker like that)

So in effect, Saturday is really the only day that "looks kind of set," and everything else just rolled in, from video games to webcomics, to telephone calls. My potential busiest week (and I hope it never happens!) has a Days batch on the weekend, training on the Saturday, board meeting on Wednesday, an event somewhere mid-week, and time out with family on the Sunday, all on top of regular office hours! 

I miss college now, how I only had to worry about area every Saturday morning, classes in the week, and UAAP games/Arsenal games. :p

--------------------

Growth happens and we don't always see it.

My hands are going callous again. My feet are losing their power to feel pain, as I walk on almost all sorts of surfaces now. My shoulders, left arm, my upper back all feel tighter, stiffer, and lighter. Some say I got taller, while my sensei says my back is straighter now. Old clothes feel more loose now; heck, I think I can fit into a lot of my old stuff again. The scales don't say I lose weight, but I feel... smaller, and taller at the same time.

I've been trying to be more... outgoing, I guess. I'm more talkative, more like the TnT I used to be. I am getting a little better at remembering names, and I try to be a bit more "playful" with people I talk to, without necessarily coming off as a jerk, or worse, a flirt. Heck, one girl I dealt with at work last month even said I was "very perky", which I find an unusual assessment. 

I don't think I'm as patient as I was when I was teaching children. I find my attention span going shorter and shorter. My temper, too, is coming back. Even the smallest slight is enough prompting for me to yell, and the "irritability" I picked up over law school has returned to make a second guest appearance. 

I'm starting to wonder if at the end of it all, I'll be so different a person I may not recognize myself, let alone be recognized by people who love me. 

---------------------

Sometimes when you're totally beat, I guess that prayer is really all we got.

current music: Sanctuary - Utada Hikaru




wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me now


I watch you fast asleep,
All I fear means nothing


In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me

snwod dna spu ynam os
My heart's a battleground
snoitome eurt deen I
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
snoitome eurt deen I

You show me how to see,
That nothing is whole and nothing is broken,


In you and I there's a new land
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah


Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me now


My fears, my lies
Melt away...
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I

current music: I Didn't Know I Was Looking For Love - Everything but the Girl

Yeah. I don't know why, but I've fallen into a bit of a funk. I'm listening to EBTG (like right now) and I have trouble getting out of bed. I have trouble sleeping. I write and write and write on my journals and other blogs and things for work, but they're never near what I want to say, in form or word. I am distracted more. It's only my kendo that keeps me genuinely busy enough to push away my daydreams, but I can only swing a bamboo sword around for so long. After that, I'm in bed, resting, and invariably, dreaming of angels flitting around the sky, smiling a smile that doesn't go away.

Such is what happens when a woman crosses my life, or rather, returns. And yes, I know I am thinking too much, and I know I should stop. Then again, the "too much thinking" isn't what I think is bad; its the "too much feeling".

I hate this, but I feel that I will have to deal with this thing; I hardly shake a "bad moon" overnight.

I am touched that you still try, that you still want me in your life, never mind that I'm more often than not found at the fringes of your waking mind's eye, at the outskirts of the light that is your memory.

I am happy we're still cool, despite everything.

But right now?

I honestly don't know if you're still worth all that trouble, never mind the six or seven years I've been lighting these candles in my chest, counting stars in the sky, or watching the sea and thinking of you, rising from waves like a lovely mermaid with arms open for me and me alone.

All that I've done, and as hard as it is for me to cast you like a cancer, a part of me finds that I'm probably really cutting off the nerves that makes the heart beat. That I really want you back. That I really did mean it when I said that I loved you, and that the many years I've lived really add up to this moment when I realize that I really can't take that back.

And it kills me because I know I should really just leave you on the wayside, after all the crap you've made me feel.

28 things Most Girls don't know
(may point siya, come to think of it)

1.--Guys may be flirting around all day
but before they go to sleep, they
always think about the girl they truly
care about.

2.--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

3.--Guys will do anything just to get
you to notice him

4.--Guys hate it when you talk about
your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.

5.--Boyfriends need to be reassured
often that they're still loved.

6.--Don't talk about your guy friends
to
your boyfriend.

7.--Guys get jealous easily.

8.--Guys are more emotional than they'd
like people to think.

9.--Giving a guy a hanging message
like "You know
what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make
him jump to a conclusion that is far
from what you are thinking. And he'll
assume he did something wrong and
he'll obsess about it trying to figure
it out.

10.--Guys are good flatterers when
courting but they usually stammer when
they talk to a girl they really like.

11.--A usual act that proves that the
guy
likes you is when he teases you.

12.--Guys love you more than you love
them if they are serious in your
relationships.

13.--Guys think WAY too much. One small
thing a girl does, even if she doesn't
notice it can make the guy think about
it for hours, trying to figure out
what it meant.

14.--Guys seek for advice from girls
not
other guys. Because most guys think
alike, so if one guy's confused, then
we're all confused.

15.--When a guy asks you to leave him
alone, he's just actually
saying, "Please come and listen to me."

16.--If a guy starts to talk seriously,
listen to him. It doesn't happen that
often, so when it does, you know
something's up.

17.--If your best guy friend seems to
avoid you or is never around when
you're with your boyfriend, he's
probably jealous and likes you.

18.--When a guy tells you that you are
beautiful, don't say you aren't. It
makes them want to stop telling you
because they don't want you to
disagree with them.

19--When a guy looks at you for longer
than a second, he's definitely
thinking something.

20--Guys don't like girls who punch
harder than they do.

21--A guy has more problems than you
can
see with your naked eyes.

22--Don't be a snob. Guys can be
intimidated and give up easily.

23--Guys talk about girls more than
girls talk about guys.

24--Guys hate rejection, but they hate
being led on even more.

25--If you are going to reject a guy,
just do it. Don't say they are like a
brother or just good friends, it just
hurts even more. Tell them that you
aren't interested in a relationship
and they will respect you.

26--Guys really think that girls are
strange and have unpredictable
decisions and are MAD confusing but
somehow are drawn even more to them.

27--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and
health just to be with you, he really
likes you and wants to be with you as
much as possible.

28---Girls, if u don't repost this
within 1 hr then you will lose the guy
of your life

---Guys if you don't repost this in
one hr then you will lose the girl of
your life.
post this as:
28 things most girls dont know

current music: Solu Music - Fade (original mix)


Wishing! (a 2008 wish-list)

I still can't believe I'll be 24 within a week! w00t!
(heck, some days I still have trouble imagining myself aging beyond 20)

Like I said last post, I'd be putting up a wish-list. This should also cover stuff into next year. This is is primarily for my aunts and uncles overseas, but can apply for everyone! So first, the blacklist.

DO NOT GET ME:

1.) CD's of Music
Simple principle: I'm very picky. While I always say I'll listen to anything, don't assume I'll readily pop that CD of a hot new emo band in my car player or in my iPod. Sorry na lang. If I don't ask for it, I'll find it on my own.

2.) Any dumb movie/video game/book you think I'll like.
Same principle. Odds are, I already have copies of movies I openly like (ie: Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Love Actually). So save yourself the drama. Same goes for books (Watchmen, Trainspotting, Blade of the Immortal) and video games (Katamari, NBA Live, Final Fantasy). Give money to poor instead.

3.) Clothes
Duh. They won't fit. Trust me. Buy me clothes when you're out with me instead. This includes shoes and socks.

4.) Planners of any kind
I already got a cool one. So no dice.


So what do I want?

1.) Scarves!
One of my most favorite things to wear. If you needed to find me in a crowd, I'd wear a scarf. It's the least common article of clothing in the Philippines and it's one of the things I love using the most. I'll take any kind, it's sure to make my day. The longer the better!

2.) A decent soccer ball!
Because even if it's my favorite sport, I don't have a nice ball for it! Not since after the one I had back in college got punctured. So yeah. Please?

3.) Money!
Self-explanatory. Even better, donate the money to the AAA-Gawad Kalinga village! :D

4.) A DVD/VCD/Blue-Ray/VHS/etc of Interstella 5555!
Daft Punk and Leiji M's masterpiece. I already have my own downloaded copy but that'll be awesome to have it on original DVD.

5.) Something to remember you by.
An easy thing to get me, and you're limited only by your creativity. Did you see Chimoms's 1UP mushroom? Ganyan. The more creative, the better. One of my favorites was a boomerang that my friend brought back from Australia. Panalo!

6.) 160 GB iPod Classic/iPod Touch
It's not yet time for me to retire my 5th generation 30 GB, but I know I can do with an upgrade. You don't have to buy me a new one; if you let me know where I can "trade up" mine (swap plus cash for a 160 like they do with cellphones) I'll be cool.

7.) DVD's of TV Shows!
It's no secret: I DO NOT WATCH TV, not anymore since our TV set got busted and lost all its color. I only get to view things when I have video copies of them on DVD or whatever. (or kung super pumipilit akong manood ng Studio23 or whatever). So help me naman. :p

8.) House Music!
A burned CD of house means more to me than that grammy-nominated metal group they have on store shelves. Yes, I am encouraging this one because I'd love more people to go and listen to the CD's you will burn yourselves! Personal preferences lean toward goovy deep house and French house genres. :D

9.) Next-gen games machines!
Or is it "current gen"? I don't own any of the three big players out there (Xbox360, PS3, Nintendo Wii) and I'm at loathe to pick just one. So whoever makes it easier on me by getting me any of them will be a hero! :D

10.) Books of Poetry.
Be very careful with this one. I love poetry and relish and book I get, but if you will indeed buy me something, do NOT get from Ateneo's ORP bookstore or from National Bookstore Katipunan. :p I've cherry-picked those places. Best go for the books that go "Complete works" of poets! Sulit lagi.

Anyway, that'll be fine. There's more stuff, but they're a bit "pie-in-the-sky" for me. hehehe!

Daft Punk @ Coachella 2K6

Man. I love this.

current music: Want You to Know - Freelance Hellraiser

Taken from a friend's blog, post dated Feb. 14, 2007.


I will spend today wishing I were with you. Tagaytay will be perfect, I'm sure. Perfect for this perfectly saccharine holiday. It's just the escape I need; you know how much I've been dealing with lately. And yet, I know I'll just be thinking of you, and trying not to cry.

I considered not going, you know. Because it wouldn't be fair. Not fair at all. But the alternative was staying home, perhaps watching some Grey's, and eating my feelings. Then of course the tears would come. I didn't want to spend this year's Valentine's that way. Not that last year's was much better. But anyway. I'm choosing to try to be happy. Operative word being try. I guess the most I can hope for these days is distraction, and that's exactly what Tagaytay offered.

It's been, what, six days? Yeah, crazy of me to do such a thing a week before Valentine's Day. But you didn't leave me with much choice. You had barely anything to say. And when you did say things, they didn't leave me with much hope either. I so wanted you to fight for it, to convince me that there was sense in all of this, that we didn't spend so much time just to end up with nothing. But all I got from you was defeat, resignation to the fact that you had lost me and there wasn't much you could do about it because I had made up my mind.

You did say afterwards that you are fighting, that you'd be unbelievably stupid to give it all up. But where is that fight? It's Valentine's Day for heaven's sake. I'm not asking for much, you know that. Just some sign that you're more than just words, that you do love me enough to show me just how much. Because otherwise, there's not much reason for me to believe it.

Hay, I hate that I can't even find comfort in my music. Somebody suggested that I listen to heavy metal, saying it was guaranteed to make me feel better. But I guess the masochist in me still chooses crap like Third Eye Blind and Snow Patrol. And I realized that there are simply too many songs that remind me of you, most of which I love too much not to play. Like right now, Maps just came on. I'm singing along, and I hate how heartbreakingly sad my voice sounds.

What I fear most of all is that you'll eventually forget me. I told you how I can't even imagine us being friends after this. As much as I love you and want you to be happy, the thought of seeing you with someone else is just too much to bear. Because that would mean that you had found that one person you were willing to take care of, to take risks and to sacrifice for. And I just couldn't be that person, as hard as I tried.

I agree, it is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

"He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." (Jesus) said to him, "Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."... And he turned to him, and said "Follow me." " - John 21:17-18



It makes sense now, how I've to go where I don't want to go.

Because that's everywhere you aren't.

It's one thing to have Last Song Syndrome: a song stuck in your head.

It's another when a song has lodged itself into a crevice in your chest, and holed itself in, refusing to release hostages.

Drowned World / Substitute for Love
Madonna


I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly game
Some things cannot be bought
Got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for
more
I suffered fools
So gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
Had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt
So happy

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

mmmmmm

No famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one night stand, no far off land
No fire that I can spark

mmmmm

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion

===========

It's been months and I'm still not OK.
I don't think I'll ever be. Not over this; this was far too big, too dear.

===========

In totally different news, be happy for me everyone: I'm no longer a law student. :)

Thank you, PostSecret






current music: Stranded - Plumb

current music: Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins

Wow. It's morning already?

Okay. So, from my last post which was way back the day before my birthday, a lot's changed. I'm gonna get to all that. I just woke up. Clock at the bottom right corner of my screen says it's 10AM, and I've got a class come 11, so I ought to be quick.

Nevertheless, I learned a lot. And I lost a lot. And I'm strangely coping well.

I wish I could rewind time so I could correct all my idiocies, but I can't. I just have to deal with it.

I will say though: the song above is very... apt.

Once, several months ago, when I felt this way, my father said that everything, even the dreams that I want for myself, are all difficult, just like my current predicament in law school. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but I didn't; my thoughts at the time were too badly contaminated with indignation to be rational.

Now, months later, I think I got it sort of figured out.

About myself, I know two things are for sure:

1.) I can't "make" myself love anything (or anyone). It has to be something I choose to do, and for reasons that must come naturally. Because when I REALLY love, I put everything into it, fight for it, betray friends for it, kill for it, die for it.
2.) I hate things that have no "upside". I love a challenge, but I hate it when there's nothing in it to keep me interested. Clarify: I don't mind if a challenge has nothing in it for me if I find it interesting, but even if I get a million dollars daily for something I find not worthwhile, I'm put off.

That being said, I find that I don't love law school, I can't make myself love law school, and that reading law has nothing in it that keeps me motivated, hungry, eager to keep achieving. I hunger for success, and law offers me a lot of success, but it's not a kind of success my heart wants. I find law school unrewarding. The legal profession, maybe, I just might find some small measure of happiness.

But having talked to Dad about a cousin of his and her recent legal problems, I discovered that I don't really want to get paid to solve problems of people who are too dumb to do it themselves, who could have done it themselves.

I pay no one to solve problems for me. I ask help, but won't have them do everything. Nobody does that for me, and I don't want people to do it for me. In return, I believe that I shouldn't really get paid to do it either.

Well, I dunno. All I know is that it's so hard to find something that both keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning, but is never too easy. Right now, I've got a challenge that drains me of my willingness to work.

The last time I felt that motivated and inspired was when I was directing theater, or writing poems for my grades, or teaching English to public school kids over the summer for free, or helping people find Kuya Jess. I get that everytime I apply myself in something I know for sure I love and have (some measure of) talent for.

But law?

....MAYBE I have some talent for it too. MAYBE I can enjoy it.

But right now, I find my resolve to keep at it evaporating.

My grades are bad, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm trying to fix them, but I think I'm already too deep in the red to really make an impact. I can't ask for help, because really, who'll help me?

I'm depressed, demoralized, and essentially alone in my despair.

Come March, if nothing changes, I want out.

TUESDAY:

It ended in defeat for me. A black eye, a broken and bleeding nose, and bruises on my face that, as of this writing, still haven't healed. My hands also hurt. It hurts when I carry things with my left hand. I can't wear glasses, and it also hurts when I read. I got grounded for a handful of days, because, well, Dad didn't like me fighting with my kid brother.

By now, people know about it, and I've broken my silence regarding the matter. I figured that I ought to keep quiet because the policy is never to let other people in on the 'dirty laundry' about the family. In this instance, I didn't want to keep quiet. I felt for too long I had been keeping mum about how my brother causes conflict and friction at home, and how I always just accede and let him have his way to keeping the peace.

Well, the peace ended, if only for a brief two minutes of much punching.


WEDNESDAY:

Forgiveness is often easy for me, forgetting less so.

What really sucked was how nobody really believed me when I said I forgave my brother. Not my brother, not Dad. Hell, I even got chastised about how "I was making it worse" and all that, but what the hell. He was ranting about how I wasn't nice and how I ought to change. I say, that frankly, I'm right because what I did was something Dad himself wouldn't be able to do.

At least the doctors say that it's not too serious.


THURSDAY:

Slow.

Although Roel suddenly joined Days. I'm now in a frantic pursuit to make his batch a memorable one, as I'm de facto sponsor.

Admittedly, I'm delighted at the news. Finally. I won't be alone here in this household as being a Dayzer. The tricky thing was that I didn't think he'd jump the issue on me THIS SOON.

I'm still skeptical whether or not this is brought by a genuine interest in becoming a better Christian, or if it's because he's guilty about the fight and he's just trying to make amends. Because nobody just 'jumps the gun' with Days. It's too big a deal just to take so lightly.


FRIDAY:

I felt so alone. I cut class and decided to go to the mall. I shopped for a few gifts for classmates, and I watched "The Nativity Story". Lame movie, but it had its moments.

It somehow made me realize that yeah, I do someday want to fall in love, settle down, have a family, and be happy that way. In essence, that's the simplest and happiest life goal that people ever could dream for themselves back then, and it showed there. A simple and happy family life was what they wanted; then God sends his angel and poof! No more simple.

I guess that now that I'm in law school, I realized how simple my dreams really were. I'm part of a sad generation of youth, who were raised by hard-working middle class parents who sent their children (like me) to expensive, good schools and left them with a good education. Then, it's my generation that realizes there's more to life than 'perpetuating the family business'. Like how my Ateneo friend Leloy, a doctor's son, wants to just be a teacher. Or how my friend May, daughter of a lawyer, doesn't dream of more than just working as a manager for a hotel.

Or how I'm thinking of leaving law school, and I've no real place to turn to after.


SATURDAY:

It was a fun, busy kind of way. I'm still tired.

No, I still am too demoralized to be back on the school saddle. I'm losing my fire. I'm losing the purpose of why I'm still here, of why I keep trying to convince myself that I'm happy where I am when I curse every challenge. Especially as this cursing is what I do instead of welcoming these trials and travails like I used to, when I was doing work I really loved.

I read a blog entry today. I realized that sometimes, I let my daydreamt image of what would make myself happy lead me to be carried away. That the way things are, often, aren't as happy or as nice as I think they can be going, no matter how bare I've peeled and pared down those paradigms I've got.

I'm hurting physically and emotionally, and that mefanamic acid pill I've got doesn't look like it'll help much.


SUNDAY:

The day is still young, but already, I found myself strewn on my bed, like two years ago on that fateful night that changed everything, muttering to whoever's listening:

"Ayoko na, ayoko na, ayoko na..."

I'm half-wishing I won't be as lucky as before. I feel the exact opposite of what I really am, as I'm not alone, I'm not unloved, and I'm looked out for by people who matter to me.

I don't know why, and I'm trying to get through this, but I don't know how to either.

current music: Break You Off - The Roots ft. Musiq

You Were a Toad

You drift into altered states of consciousness freely and easily. You also have the power to change luck and life a long life.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Ay pwede.

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Yey. I love the rain! And it really shows.

Your Taste in Music:

90's Alternative: Highest Influence 90's R&B: Highest Influence 80's R&B: High Influence 90's Hip Hop: High Influence Adult Alternative: High Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Yep. Now I know. Hmmm. But my iPod today doesn't have a lot of that kind of stuff...

You Should Be A Gemini

What's good about you: witty and energetic, you're simply the most fun to be around What's bad about you: you're flighty - losing interest in people and projects quickly In love: you enjoy the "honeymoon phase," but after that it's hard for you to stick around In friendship, you're: likely to have many groups of friends, with many different interests Your ideal job: mime, guru, or cartoonist Your sense of fashion: casual and simple You like to pig out on: fast food, especially burritos

What Sign Should You Be?

Hindi naman siguro. Especially on the fast food part. Pero tama siya sa fashion at sa friends part.


===============

Walang pasok ngayon at bukas. Sana nga lang hindi uulan. Kasi naman o. Nakaka-asar naman kung free day ka at trapped ka naman sa bahay, no?

Meantime, it'll be Annelle's housewarming on Monday. I wonder what to get her for her house? :0

from Annelle.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a
deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and
exclusively.

But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and
content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally
and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you
discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will
not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned
for you. You will never be united with another until you are united
with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other
desires or longings.

"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want
you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just
keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest
things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things
I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!

"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others
have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just
keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show
you.

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute
to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both
satsifeid exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared
for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.

"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to
see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy
materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and
perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you
utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."

current music: Chasing Echoes - Katelyn Tarver

Lovers
Arthur H Adams

I thought, because we had been friends so long,
That I knew all your dear lips dared intend
Before they dawned to speech. Our thoughts would blend,
I dreamed, like memories that faintly throng.
Your voice dwelt in me like an olden song.
Petal, I thought, from petal I could rend
The blossom of your soul, and at the end
Find still the same sweet fragrance. I was wrong.
Last evening in our eyes love brimmed to birth;
Our friendship faded, lost in passion's mist.
We had been strangers only! Here, close-caught
Against my heart the dim face I had sought
So long! And now the only thing on earth--
Your piteous mouth, a-tremble to be kissed!