Miss Manalo 3.0 (a.k.a. The "Ten Commandments")

"Raph, kamusta chicks?"

This is the traditional first question one of my friends asks when I see him, in his regular guy-talk tone. This question, while not in that form, is posed to me by almost everyone I know lately, whether they're my parents and family or my friends and work peers. I've grown good at dodging the question, mostly by telling only a tiny part of the truth, and for some people, twisting the truth to satisfy their curiosity enough, while still protecting the people involved.

One such friend asked me to come up with my "vague list" of things I look for in a girlfriend. The concept is not new - we at LnK called it your "Mr./Ms. Manalo" list. In it, you describe the makings of a real winner for you. I wrote as she was, well...criticizing, the current girl who has today come to mean the world to me. I guess I have friends who look out for me that way - real friends interfere, after all.

Here's what we ended up with - my "10 Commandments" in finding the girl I want.


#1: Bawal Nagyoyosi
Fairly non-negotiable! I have had near-death experiences due to my asthma, and my grandmother died due to an attack. It's a family thing maybe. Either way, I don't like the smell of cigarette smoke. Smokers smell bad. Bad-smelling people turn me off. Girls who smell nice, however, win themselves free hugs and dinners out.

#2: Smart, can keep up with conversations. Doesn't need a PhD, nor the sense of accomplishment it has.
Yes, the bobo need not apply. I want somebody who can confidently converse with a wide range of topics, and is open-minded enough to keep up or at least demonstrate willingness to learn. You need not be my teacher - it's a partnership. We will learn from one another.

I don't need poets, I don't need video game players or artists or Gooners or whatever else the girl is into to share my world completely. I want to pick up from her new things, and for her to pick things up from me.

#3: Busy always.Tipong, wala kang mababalitaan sa kanya in ages.
I like girls who never have time for anybody. Because when she actually makes time for me, it means a lot. Time for me is priceless and waiting is hell, so I want somebody who levels with me on that. Girls who like to make time for me always are awesome, but if she's always so busy AND STILL take time, astig lalo.

I also love the feeling of making people miss me. Because when I find him or her, they're extra nice. And I love the feeling of being cared for extra.

#4: A pretty face trumps a sexy body any day of the week.
I like girls who are both. But if I had to pick just one, the pretty girl wins. I've had crushes on stick-figure girls who are pretty. (and Lord knows I dislike stick figured girls.) I've had crushes on girls who are fat (not chubby, FAT) because I could stare at her smile all day. And while I like them slender and tall, if they're ugly, it switches it all off.

Both being pretty and being sexy are relative. I reserve the right to pick using my own tastes

#5: Takes care of my family. Lets me look after hers.
Her parents can have rules and be strict and all that, fine. I just want to be able to demonstrate too that I'm not the kind of guy who messes around. I also like families that aren't mine. Because we learn stuff from each other.

As for me, my family is still valuable, but not perfect. My family is not the closest-knit nor the best and warmest, but I want her to at least show she gives a damn about the people who I can't escape from yet. haha.

#6: Lets me totally fucking spoil her. Will be maalaga too, even when I don't ask.
In a Psych test they gave in college, of my personal needs the test showed I have high levels of Nurturance and Succorance. They made those with high marks for both raise our hands. They said "masarap ma boyfriend/girlfriend mga yan!" That's because we had a high desire to care for others, and be cared for.

I'm like a big tree with relationships. I don't need much - just water and sunshine. And in return, I'll give shade and fruit and never leave. But like any tree, I don't always ask for you to water me. So I'd like some thoughtful girl to tend to me as I grow and cover her.

Similarly, I want to be that big tree and give what I can, even if it means they'll chop me up for fire. I'm built that way. I love girls who don't say no when I offer them things. Sarap kasi alagaan. Maalaga = sexy.

#7: Trusts me explicitly.
The great Neil Strauss wrote, "Love is a wave, trust is the water." Need I say more?

#8: Needs not be religious. Spiritual is better. Atheistic is bullshit.
Despite what the atheists say about clinging to old beliefs out of fear, I find that people who believe in God are far braver. That's because they take a chance on something so less certain, and that's courageous beyond description. You stake your life on the principles of a being you're not sure of? Wow. I want a girlfriend who is brave like that.

At the same time, I also want somebody with an open heart and mind. I've never dated a Dazer, despite how I feel they're the bravest and sweetest love-ers there are out there. She can have her own morality based on the Jedi Code for all I care. I just want her to act right, and understand me on a level beyond just actions, words and facial ticks.

Religous is okay, but I never needed her to share my beliefs, as long as she's got beliefs. More important to me than having the same faith, I really want her to have a close relationship with her God. That's key to knowing she'll level with me.

#9: Whether or not maraming friends or family, she is not insecure by what they think.
She has to have a mind of her own, and will not be fettered by old or immature thinking. As awesome as our friends or family are, they don't always know what is best for us. And we should learn to choose what we have for ourselves and not just because it's easy to "show off" to them.

(And I don't like being showed off - it's only done by those who need to boost one's small self-esteem.)

#10: Puts up with my bullshit. And doesn't purposefully drive me away
I am not the easiest person to love. I know this. If you're reading this, you know this too well. So. I want somebody who can stand the rain. If she wants to stand with me in the sunshine, she must be brave enough to stand the rain too.

Conversely, I once fell in love with a girl who liked to push me, drive me away. She kept insisting we kept a certain level of distance. Something about being afraid of "what might happen" and I hated her. I dislike her to this day; what she did hurts still.

When I love you, I will want no less than to be growing ever closer everyday. It will be my single-minded yearning, my only real desire, and I don't take well to being told I'm not worth being close to. To push me away in regular intervals is painful and insulting and grounds for me never speaking to you again.


So do you guys know any such girls? It's not unreasonable, is it? Hehe




current music: Ivy - Edge of the Ocean

current music: Walking Wounded - Everything but the Girl

Out amongst the walking wounded, every face on every bus
Is you and me and him and her and nothing can replace the us I knew
Nothing can replace the us I knew

And no, I'm never gonna let you go
And no, I'm never gonna let you go
And now I know I had a choice though you never made it clear to me
I thought you never felt it deeply
Now I'm never gonna let you go
Now I'm never gonna let you go

'Cause I could have loved you forever
I could have loved you forever

What do you want from me?, Are you trying to punish me?
Punish me for loving you, punish me for giving to you
Punish me for nothing I do, punish me for nothing
You punish me for nothing, for nothing

(Repeat everything 2x)

================

I miss the time when I was once held so close, like I was all they ever had.

Nikki,

Heya. So, is the high back yet? I hope it is!

This is new to me, the whole typing out a P-letter. Then again, you're not like any other rectora I've written for (and I meant it when I said if I could pick a co-rector, I'd pick you). You're a whole lady apart, and like how you always got the "breaking news" on my life, you get the first ever P-letter typed out!

So let's start. Game? Game.

I want to thank you for everything, Nikki, for the 2-3 years I've known you since I kissed your feet. I think it was lucky that I became pretty good friends with you at a time when my life wasn't set right. Conversely, you had your trying moments too.

Stuck in my head was what I remember how you became near to me: the one funny conversation we had heading to A38 (if I can remember), when I was driving and you were telling me about frustrating shit. Yet despite the drama all the while you were preparing to sponsor your friends, and spent nearly all your money for their P-night. Then there were the YM conversations when I would tell you about it, and how we came closer. Hell, one of which was even a "live feed", with you helping me say the right thing during a very painful exchange.

And you were there, like (almost) always. You pulled through.

And I pulled through too; it was because you were there for me that I made it through a lot of dark days. And it was because you let me in too, that I was able to make it for you. I often prayed to Jess to send people angels to look out for us. I think, this time, Jess decided to do away with winged mythical creatures or what I thought was "just luck". He sent real people. He sent you. And I hope somehow, at some times, He sent me.

It wasn't always gloomy - we had fun too. I remember A36 with you composing the hit single "Pedophile Si Ben." I remember you springing me to Starbucks Promenade on my 24th birthday so I could chill with you and the Agustins - never mind that you had your own stressful morning at the Ateneo Football Field with Fred, you were there for me. I remember dinner out after Ateneo won the basketball championship, I remember going to Galleria with you and Grace and Cy, and karaoke at Josh's birthday, I remember editing your yearbook write-up. They may not all be much long term, but they loom large, still, even if they're ancient and old thoughts now.

Honestly? I miss being there for you. Things are different: we operate around different circles, and we spend time with different friends. We're always at Days, but we've got our own lives running too. Our time talking now is shorter, our attention more divided, our feet directing us differently to different paths. We’d look out for each other less - we’d just care for others more now, I notice.

But to me, Nikki? You'll always still be "first to know", even if, well, I can't find you, or seek you out, or even if you can't be told what's happened to me first. (I’ll still tell you; I trust you, after all.)

You're one of the brightest, most powerful reasons why I'm still staffing, why I still believe in Jess, and why I still believe in Days. I look at the times you've told me, about how hard things are for you, and how you still held on to Jess, still forgave, still forced your bitterness away. I remember how you cared for me, even when I was a jerk, and how you were there for others when nobody was there for them too, and how, each time you credited it to Jess.

At days like these, I can't help but feel like I'm standing in front some lovely work of art, or some grand Wonder of the World, or the most gorgeous lady on the planet. How you love people makes a big guy like me feel small.

And it makes me say "Jess, kung kaya niya, kaya ko pa."

So. Even if Jess needs me and needs you to look after other people now, I want you to know for every day of every year that I breathe, yes, I think you are so fucking awesome.

This letter can't really express it, but I tried.

I love you Nikki. Till next time.


-Raph
a24, sd1

Rain Song


It's okay, you say,
as I lift the umbrella over your head.

I like the rain, you said,
your curvaceous body taking space beside me
as we walked, overcast clouds overhead.

I put the umbrella away, watching the sky
sink into gray seas: the trees
the seaweed and you and I
no greater creatures than fish
awash near a concrete Katipunan Avenue coast.

It is near dusk, and the drizzle
doesn't let up, and we
are closely walking.

Rain calls people closer, I say,
watching everything - friends and lovers
under umbrellas.
But since we didn't use one, what were we?

You ignored me, pointing instead
to oil-slick rainbows on streets,
with your small slippers under your feet like the pot of gold -
little things I notice not right away.
We walked and you were near,

and your soft hair smelled like earth,
like soil that will one day
cover you, cover me,
cover our bodies on our deep descent down.
It's true:
your hair smells of death, of endings, of destiny.

Then and there, watching little things,
I watch water wash over our cheeks, necks, backs,

and my hands want to do the same,
my fingers like falling fire,
your breath the hearth I will call home,
your skin sanctified like a last supper
my mouth craves to consume.

But it is raining,
you walk forward to shade, and I
am always, always
a few steps slower,
a few steps behind you.


current music: True Faith - Bukas Liligaya Din Ako

The Apology



Nelli,

Heya.

I have a confession to make: I have never, ever, ever kissed a girl.

No bullshit! I've never kissed a girl. No girl has ever wanted to kiss me. Not only have I ever not had sex, I've never had a girl say she liked me (out loud). I've never seen a girl naked in person before. I've never gotten so far as to have somebody think of me "in that way". Yes, I've been offered and I've turned down the more physical, flirtatious advances I've had from girls with one drink too many, but that's as far as my romantic history goes.

Then there was this girl who held my hand one stray evening and made me feel by her words and deeds, by her constant asking of my attention and my time and energy that I was worth keeping. That was Mela. And you were at May's party: you saw how she decided not to keep me, how cold and distant we are now, and I promised myself never to be used up by anyone like that again.

Romantically, I've always been a loser. I've never been great with girls. I know how to get along with girls, have fun and play around and show them a good time, but I've never taken it further than the casual laughter-laded conversation, nor had I found anybody worth giving more to.

And finally, there's you. You, whom I've kissed on the cheek, held hands with, bought flowers for, seen in a bikini, walked together with on a beach, and even shared a bed to sleep with. You who I watch American Idol with, you who slept on my couch, in my car, and in chairs and tables around the house. You who bought me cheese at Santi's, fries at McDonald's, strawberry wine at Baguio and cupcakes at Sonja's. You who shared coffee with me, shared secrets with me, and even tried to set me up on a date with her best friend. All that, in a span of two and three months, when other friends I've made wouldn't dare do these for me all through the years I've known them.

You told me that I was your best guy friend. You told me about the boys you used to date, confided about your history and more. You told me things like how you have a tendency to depend on people, and one of these people you said was me. And you even once said that if things were different, we'd be together and that I really just wasn't what you wanted now.

Of all that, what truly truly struck me was how you said I was your best guy friend. Because nobody ever said that to me before. Nobody made me feel valuable like you ever did, and not in a romantic way, but in a way like a truly deeply affective companion.

And that's because, over the past two glorious months, I've come to depend on you like nobody. I've come to find some validation in knowing that you were always there. That if the chips were down Nelli would still make my day. That you always had the best thing to say about the gloomiest subjects, because you wouldn't joke about it; you'd take me seriously. That you trusted me, and it was a world of joy knowing you did.

None of my friends have been as open as you have been to me. It means so much that you are, that you don't mince words, that you counted me close to you, as I do you.

Then again, my friends will all say the same thing: the closer you get to Raph, the more likely he's going to hurt you. And at times, he won't even realize it until it's too late - you'll just get hurt.

And hurt you I did. I'm not proud of that Saturday at Ate Mott's. I'm not proud of my behavior with you and Gelo at Trinoma. I'm not proud of the doubts, fears, suspicions I've harbored and told no one - how you might be just using me, or taking advantage of my feelings, or that you were being reckless with my heart by dating around, especially when I was still courting you.

The thing is? All these are so, so small, compared to what I did. And while I promised to do you right, I didn't do you right there. For that, I'm so sorry.

You see, I wanted to be ever so closer to you, so much because you've come to mean this much to me that I was so wrapped up in it, that I couldn't tell apart being in love, and being loved, and actually loving. And I forgot it didn't need t o be in that way either.

I took for granted the ways and sacrifices you'd used to make for us to hang out, for us to be friends, and for you and I to get to know each other better. I forgot how attentive you've always been to my every mood shift, my every facial tick, or even the food I'd eat and the way I'd drive. I forgot how present you have awlays tried to be in my life, and how you'd share me yours by meeting your friends and by walking me around Malate.

I forgot that's how you cared for me, when I took them for granted, or took them as something different. That's how hungry I was for you, I guess, that in the end I just took and took and didn't realize I was hurting you, or making things hard for you.

Today, I'm alone at home on a Saturday, and I look outside at the driving rain clean the air like a cool bath. Summer has ended. Time away to think and reflect has been kind. You are right; I do need time away, I do need growing up and moving forward to do.

And as grateful as I was to finally fall in love this summer, I want to start the rainy season knowing I found something better: I found you, my once-constant companion.

All I ask is reconciliation.

If there's anything I promise you, it's that I treasure this friendship we've forged. Thanks to you I've gotten to see how much better a guy, a better future boyfriend, a better child of God I can be. You've been a good influence, helping me lose weight and motivating me to get a job, and plan farther into my future, to chase dreams I want, to help get my life back in order.

And I want to return the favor. I want to make your life that much better, because for this summer you've made mine that much wonderful too. I'm sorry how summer ended on this, but if you could find it in yourself to forgive me, I'd gladly do all I can to make it up to you all the rest of the year long.

There. I've said my piece. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please know that no matter what happens, I'll remember you with fondness, gratitude, humilty and joy.

Thanks for everything, Nelli. Be safe.

-Raph

Seven Candles


I lit seven candles at church today
and laid them out in a little row,
tiny lights burning single file
and silently recited seven Hail Marys for you.

But if you were here, you'd say
don't believe in that stuff
like you'd say it's just bread, it's just wine
or how Mary was a girl, not divine
how I'd look at my hands ,
I'd say "map," you'd say "lines",
how I'd shuffle cards,
I'd say "path", you'd roll eyes and sigh.

It's the river, this faith, this soft wave,
the Holy Ghost and its Holy See,
that sails me slowly out to sea and so
you say
I'm but fish not good enough to pull a net up and catch
because of kind of water I breathe in, believe in.

Or was it you
who wanted
to lift her hands
and soar away upwards
to places I can't reach, with song I can't hear,
and unfit to sing?

All I know is I lit seven candles,
and sang in me a small hymn
watching them burn slow,
tiny stars that might lead you back to me.


current music: Get Here - as sung by Camil Labog

Sige, Kwentuhan Tayo (Cross-posted on LJ, Mutliply and Facebook)

1.) A-DAYS IS NEAR!

I just had to say that. The next batch for A-Days with the Lord is upon us! Text/message me if you want to join the next retreat, whether as a first-time participant or a returning Dayzer looking to join in. My cell is 0918-3744274!

I always look forward to these. They're the recharge I always seem to need, no matter how hard things get.

OH YEAH! We're also looking for people to donate money to our community! Dayzers who pledge up to PhP 300 get a complimentary CD as our way of saying "Thank you!". :D

(And believe me, there are some songs there that are performed just flat-out outstandingly. Yes, I'm talking about you, Waps San Diego. And you, Carlo Santos. And you, Camil Labog, and Kyla Rivera, and Nikki Danao. Yeah, all of the both of you.)



2.) I'VE GOT A JOB NOW!

I got picked up by a company with an office along Ayala Ave (not telling you which). I write articles that you'll probably never read. They just help our clients get found on Google.

I promised myself that I've had enough of writing that does not feature my by-line. However, times are tricky. I've had to take the job just to stem the tide of me borrowing money from my family. Yeah. It got pretty bad there.

The job itself is a bit slow. (I'm writing in the office now because I'm almost done! 200 words left!) I sit. I write. I crack jokes with the teammates, who are fun to hang out with. The bosses are nice. I find food downstairs at luch, and I leave at 6pm when we are done.

What I never realized was a special fringe benefit of the job was Makati itself. I used to hate Makati and how hard it was to drive to anywhere and park. Now? I ADORE it. I love walking around Ayala Ave. on my way to work, and I love it even more on my way home. It's an amazing wash of activity and people, with so many places I could seek out and explore. I hadn't felt like that since I walked around Quiapo on my own for the first time (which I want to do again someday!).

Fine, fine. I'll get sick of the smoke and the crowds and the mean faces in the crowds, and the brutal queues at the MRT, and the buses that honk too loud.

But not yet.



3.) I'm caught in between two best friends.

Well, I don't know if they're even friends anymore. They've been at odds for a while now. And they're still both my friends. And I love them both (though maybe one, I love more. hehe)

Let's just say I'm not fond of balancing being friends to both. And it bothers me too that they act like the other doesn't exist. It hurts, considering how one has always been there for me, and how the other is the one who's around for me when I need someone and badly.

It's like having an eye to my past and another to my future. And I'm stuck with today, where they're not ever gonna meet.

And now, they're dead to each other, and I don't know if it's really my job to help them reconnect. I have a funny feeling if I brought them together, they'll either hate me or love me, and I don't think I can afford to lose BOTH of them. They're that hurt.

What do you guys do? Ever been in a similar bind? How'd you gets get there? (PM if you're shy.)



4.) BIRTHDAY PARTY NI MAY BUKAS!

What'll I wear? What'll I wear? It's only the first time I've ever tried to make it to her parties. :D
(Oh wait, you weren't told? Well TOO BAD. :p)



5.) I realized I'm drawn to people who need me. And I never hold anything back for them.

Because maybe, someday, they'll be there if I come to need them so badly too. And maybe they'll give me all they got too.


6.) My current mood might just be summed up simply with:

I don't want excuses
I don't want your smiles
I don't want to feel like we're apart a thousand miles

I don't want your attitude
I don't want your things
But I don't want a phone that never rings

I want your love and I want it now

I want your love and I want it now

Good night Metro Manila (and beyond) ! Sa susunod!

current music: silence, but I hear "Whenever, Wherever, Whatever" in my head



We are at Manila, and nobody in my house knows I'm with her. We are parked in front of the bank. She's reclined her seat, and is trying to sleep, recharging her batteries for an interview in an hour. I'm writing this draining my laptop's battery. I kill the radio so I don't drain the car's battery. And I'm already trying my best to weather the next battery of the various tasks and errands we do as "constant companions".

It has been two weeks since she asked me to stop courting her. She told me that this wasn't what she wanted. I was saddened; I realized that I did something wrong, or I got too emotional, or I lost sight of what she wanted, how she felt, how unsure she may have been about it all. She said that there are things her life must take care of first - a job, moving out, a life away from our homeland. She said she feels how I care for her, but she can't have a boyfriend - she feels her life can't afford to be smothered by another's. Not now.

She's curled to the side, her breasts heaving high and low at her breath, and they are so beautiful. She's so beautiful when she sleeps. I want to curl up close, hold her near me and chase her down the footpath of dream and sleep, to kiss her lips and take in her breath's scent.

But there's just no room; this is a small car, and she can barely find a comfortable position for herself. What more with me in the picture?

I still love her, though. Always.

current music: The Weepies - Somebody Loved


She's asleep on my couch. I took the blanket of Mom's bed, and wrapped her around it. She took it and quickly covered her face, curling into a little ball. She does that in bed, and this afternoon she's fighting off the effects of a drowsy, few-hours-of-sleep-last-night afternoon by giving in, and taking a cat nap. I've had to shoo away our cats from bothering the blob of yellow cloth on the couch. I've switched into house clothes from the street clothes I was in a while ago, writing this while she sleeps, while I wait for downloads to finish, while I watch her beautiful back rise and fall with her breath. Not so long ago, she was with my Mom and Dad over lunch. Just the night ago, she was introducing me to friends. Just a few days ago, we were alone on a Bolinao beach, her bright, tight, tanned body putting the setting sun to shame, my fingers entwined in her hand.

It's a quiet afternoon, and I'm writing to tell you all that I'm incredibly happy. It's times like this I realize it: I was wrong when I said I'd never feel this way again because I do now. I was wrong when I said I'd be miserable because of what I lost - by losing what I thought I had, something incredible arrived in my life in turn, and fills my days with new hope. I was wrong when I said I'd never find somebody, because, in a weird, weird way last February, that girl was the one who found me.

I really do love her, above and beyond what I thought ever possible. And these lines can barely show how grateful I am, for everything.

current music: Old Friends - Everything But the Girl

Old Friends - Everything But The Girl


Not for the first time I look back
on all those years
Not for the last time names will ring
in my ear
When there was just a gang of us
Storming the town by train and bus
A moment of thought this heart sends
to old friends

Not for the first time I look back
on my first love
Unable to speak or think or move
hand in glove
But what of it now and where is he
He who once meant so much to me
Because we are not, I can't pretend
now old friends

I was told love should hold old friends
I was told love should hold old friends
But when you leave you will close the door
behind you
Don't we always
And time won't make amends
to old friends

Standing here with my arm around you
life's moved on
And all its borderlines
are being redrawn
The winter has come the roads are white
Everyone's home late tonight
Maybe we stay or will it depend
as old friends
In the end still old friends

Let's see. (Hands Like Sandpaper, Heart Like a Pressure Cooker)

1.) My brother is hardly home. He shows up to eat, and maybe get money from my parents. Otherwise, he goes off and into friends' houses. He tells us he studies there and we believe him. He spends the night, because he can study there better. When he is a home, he plays a lot of DotA; studying less and video gaming more. We believe him.

2.) My mobile phone is broken. Do not call me, for I will not hear you. It's as if distance has caught up with me, with the voices of friends suddenly muted to whispers and further and further into deafening quiet. With that, I have become a Deaf Siva, Destroyer of all sounds - any audio I make with my mouth still resembles speech, but my ears unable to hear your words. I will send text messages; like the deaf, I will use my eyes and hands instead, to find you.

3.) As the year bumbled in, I turned 25. It was the worst start of the year this year; people used me as an excuse to make merry while starting fights and picking fires. People would much rather fight with me than fight for me, I guess. It is a distant ways away, but I am itching to hold Christmas tinsel and birthday cake again. I am a child like that.

4.) I am usually hurt by things that I never see coming. I am blind like that.

5.) My sister likes to paint. She is also such a good student, she made it to the interview shortlist of PGH. She is now on the fast track to follow my Dad's footsteps. I wanted to walk those footsteps, be a doctor just like my father. I was a child, like that. I wanted to be the doctor while fulfilling the dream to get rich and marry the loveliest girl I know. Now it's Dad's youngest daughter and younger son who may make it as doctors, now that my sister made it to that big deal med school. Not me. I fell in love with words, not windpipes. I told them I didn't want it anymore, and I meant it. They believed me.

6.) At work, people wish I arrive earlier. It's a big deal that I get there early, they say. So since last August I get up from bed at seven or eight in the morning, work at nine and leave for home by six. On Saturdays, I have another day. On a bad day, I wake up late, and still get to work late, but the bottom line is I get home late too. I am hardly at home. It's a price I pay to earn my money. I will not get rich or marry yet with what I earn now, but have I do it; nobody will do it if not me, I tell myself. It's a bigger deal that I give it, really.

7.) My Internet life is thriving. It is uncanny. On Facebook, I have 968 friends. There will be more. Friendster had 728. Multiply had even fewer, 587. All these are people I have met, kissed, hugged, held hands with, sent texts to, got drunk and woke up confused with and all manner of things. The Internet helps me bridge distances with my eyes and hands, to friends I have, and there will be more, I tell myself.

8.) I am thinking of inviting some of you to a party I am throwing on the 7th. It'll follow in the footsteps of the one last year. We had got together everybody from A-Days whose birthday was on January, and celebrated like it was Christmas and my birthday again, where we, now another year into being grown-ups, get to be celebrate and dance so free. I am excited because it's a day when for one night, my home is a playground and I am not alone in the world.

9.) I jog every other day. Or night. Actually. I like night far better. I run through a familiar route around our village, darkened like a dreamy wood. You can hear the howling of neighbor's hounds, and smell the scent of flowers, maybe jasmines or dama de noche or whatever it was, I forget. It is beautiful this time of year, the night. I get my iPod, lace up my shoes and run till my heart is pounding, my breath panting and the rest of my body unable to rise from bed. I am training to be stronger, fitter, and maybe even sexier, that when you see me someday you will be impressed. You'll never see it coming. (But now you might; the Internet is uncanny.)

10.) One of my best friends gave me a bag. It was for Christmas and my birthday. When I opened the wrapper, it first looked like a scarf. I was so happy until I pulled it all the way out. I was still happy, even if I thought I would get what I was really asking for. I didn't see it coming, after all. You have to believe me.

11.) I still train with the Kendo people. I like how my hands grow like sandpaper, and my heart like a pressure cooker. It's strength, I tell myself and I believe it. It's another step closer to being stronger, fitter, sexier. I put on the blue robes and blue pants and take bamboo sword to the dojo, surrounded by other people with blue robes, blue pants and bamboo swords. We fight with one another and fight for one another, striking stomach, wrist, temple of head. I swing my sword till my hands are like sandpaper, my heart like a pressure cooker. I go home breath panting, heart pounding and body unable to move. It is like I have been loved in a very special way. It's uncanny.

12.) Today, I am giving a talk for A-Days. It's a big deal. I never saw it coming. Now, I am trying my best to hold my nerve, the way a teenager prepares for prom, or a man who isn't all that rich asks the prettiest girl to marry him. It feels like the first few hours before first few times I kissed, hugged, held hands, got drunk, woke up confused, and all sorts of other things with people. I studied up hard on the topic; but maybe I am the one who needs to learn. I am a child like that.

13.) My sister and I found a friend on the Internet. She apparently hooked up with another friend, one we both met when we were in high school. We were impressed. He was my classmate, my sister met him when she was a freshman then. She was, is, beautiful, head to toe, although probably not the prettiest girl I know. He was, is, okay. Love is blind like that. I should know.

14.) I am born to love, but I am not a born lover. Believe me please.

15.) I am asked what my plans are beyond my job. I am asked if I will ever fall in love, and I don't tell them of the picture I like to paint in my imagination. Maybe, just maybe, I have already secretly begun the plans to get rich and marry the dearest girl I know. I will hold her close, stare into her beautiful, beautiful eyes, hold her hand and whisper "I have found you, you whose name God carved into the palm of my hands." There will be more, of course, on that day tht I can say I have more, more to give. It's a dream, a dream that requires more than my sandpaper hands, weary eyes and high-blood pressure pounding heart. I cannot do this fight alone. I need her to fight for me too.

16.) It is a weekend, and I am tired. I long for sleep. Do not call me, for I will not hear you. Instead, pray for me please. Please believe me, when I smile and say I'm okay, never mind my weary eyes betray that there are mornings I don't want to go to work because I have nightmares of all my dreams slipping further and further into the quiet, quiet dark night that I never see coming, disappearing like the scent of flowers like jasmines. Or was it lilies, maybe? I forget. I wake breath panting, heart pounding and body unable to rise. Maybe I am in love, after all, in a very special way. Life is uncanny like that.

...because I spent last night watching one of my personal heroes become President of the United States of America! And I liked the speech - not the rising "yes we can" forcefulness from when he won, nor the tear-jerking inspiring from when we got the nomination, but a clarion call to do the work to bring change.

Heck, it has something for everybody! Listen! (See everyone? You can be awesome too.)

'Ika nga:

"To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

Ano kaya reaction ni PGMA? Haha!

Below is the speech, along with a transcript.








My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

current music: THIS

Silid - Up Dharma Down

You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

- Garden State


My former seatmate posted this quote on her blog. I admit, I've been feeling like this quote myself.

In three hours, I will be twenty-five. I have lived in my house for something close to 17 of those years. I live in a society where families stick together no matter what, no matter how long, and it's perfectly cool that I still look out for my parents, most especially since I'm the eldest, and just simply have to.

But already I feel how more and more this house is some place I no longer call "home". My room upstairs that I share with my brother feels less and less the comforting refuge I remember back in the day. I cannot sleep there anymore, the same way you probably cannot just sleep in strange people's homes. I find that as I have grown up over the years, I am asked more responsibilities, but have only the same privileges, and they are also slowly being reduced. I cannot pick the room I want, the downstairs den, because it's not my decision to make, and I get the feeling it will never be my decision to make.

It's the same white walls with the same barking dogs and the same rotten rock music my family plays. It's the same routine of the same mornings with the sameness that feels more and more foreign and alien, not because it's changed, but because I've changed, and that my heart longs to pick its own walls, its own pets, choose its own choices of furniture and make it own mess. I long to make my own way, to get away where nobody demands me to save them. I long to make my own mistakes.

I feel it. I want out. I need to find a way away, to fly away and never be found.

I am not a big believer in New Year Resolutions, and for good reason. Most people don't really mean it when they say they'll do something. Why should I? Also, many resolutions have specific points on how to get their resolutions done. Other times, it's the lack of, well, resolve.

This year, I want to try something a little different, and a hell of a lot trickier. Off the mailing list of Neil Strauss, one of my favorite authors, is the idea to specifically nail in every detail of how you'll get resolutions done. And to actually write them down.

I figured there'd be a good blog post and story to go along with my year-end list, so I guess I can just hop to it and hope!


1.) Exercise, Training & Kendo
I have had a relatively good year in terms of exercise. I say this because the past years were utterly bad. This year I am making it a point to aim for 0 cuts in classes all year-round. This translates to something close to 100 hours of hard, high intensity exercise a year, with more depending on how long it takes. While this will certainly affect my life as a worker, a Days staffer, and as a family dude, I think I want to really give this a good go.

Also, I resolve to go jog, play basketball, get off my ass for at least twice a week, for an hour (inclusive of stretches and cool-down times), on Tuesdays and Thursdays or when applicable. If anything, it'll help relieve stress on stressful days.


2.) Food (volume)
I slashed my intake of rice tremendously, and so I hope to continue the trend. I hope to go cold turkey on rice, first for an initial target of four months straight. If I take, I'll reset the clock. After, we go from there, whether or not we push for up to five, or six, or into the whole year.

[I am not about to restrict what I eat - that's for next year. How much I eat is a good thing to start on.]


3.) Birthdays
I resolve to be a better friend by freaking remembering your birthdays! I ought to at least send a text, an email, or a Facebook/Friendster/Multiply/MySpace message to anybody and everybody in my network. It's only fair. I know I did a good amount of this for the past year, but there's always room for keeping up!

There are also people whose birthdays I do not now, as well as some of whom I am not close to. I resolve to try and greet them anyway. Adding a little extra cheer is for free.


4.) Planner Time
Still on the topic of dates, I resolve to use the Starbucks '09 planner I have and stick to it! I realize I tend to stop writing in appointments come April or May, so I hope to have a well-worn out planner by the end of the year by writing every little meeting, appointment, lunch out, party, training session, whatever!


5.) Checking Up on Friends
I used to do this a lot! I used to phone friends out of the blue come 7 or 8PM at odd evenings just to see how they were. I don't get to do this, not so much because I'm busy, but because I broke the habit and don't really try to reach out again.

Ergo, I resolve to try and text, phone, or write to at least one old friend a week, just to see how they're doing. That's 52 people in a year, and for sure I don't have that many close friends to catch up on! Hehe.

I'm not a text-message-sending person by default, and in turn I never know when to text and not to text, so I'll need your help on this one. If you are curious about what I am up to, please go ahead and say hi. It won't count, but at least I know you're reach-able that way.


6.) Sleep
I don't sleep right. I haven't slept right in years. Hell, right now I did not sleep the whole night, but dozed off for the whole morning before, as well as during that 5PM to 9PM swing.

So, I resolve to be a morning person, by targeting a sleep cycle of 10PM to 6AM everyday. My work life and health will probably pick up for the better once I get this right. I expect this to work at least for nights heading into Mondays through Fridays. I also expect to let myself slack off and take the weekend to puyat.


7.) Writing
High time I set benchmarks and goals! I target three features a week (two for work, one for whatever), a poem a month (for me) and at least two blog posts on this blog. I also target to journal on my notebooks at least twice a month, one on every other week, just to properly chronicle things. This will help give me and my writing the proper practice I need.

I also resolve to edit anything I write at least a day after I am done with it. It should help pick up the quality on whatever my output looks like.


8.) Blogging
A wise lady told me that your blog should stand for your beliefs, values, and who you are as a writer and as a person. In my line of work where I am slowly and surely exposed to greater public scrutiny, I have to do something. I therefore resolve to do two things: to clean up my blogs, so it can better be indicative of who I am, and to set up my online portfolio.

This should help not only streamline what comes up on a Google search about me. It should hopefully help people find me better, and to like what they see. And if anything, less swearing and profanity on the Internet is always a plus. (But I will still pepper my language when I find it necessary - I don't want to sell readers short and hold back.)


9.) The MA
Time to enroll in the higher education thing I had been putting aside. By the start of the new school year semester, I resolve to be taking my Masters degree, preferrably an MA in Comm or something along those lines. Also preferrably in Ateneo, since it's near the house. I have about four months to clean everything up, and if I don't get this done I'll kick myself.

The way I see it, I'll be turning 25 soon, I'll have my MA by 27 or so (while working, hopefully) and I'll move up to a new job, then maybe graduate with an MBA by 30 or 33. Ideal would be all degrees overseas, but I can't reach - grades weren't great for scholarships, nor can we afford much. So fine.


10.) Faith, Prayer, Almighty Shizz
I resolve to try and do stick to the original challenge - to hear mass at least twice a week, one on Sunday and another of my choosing. If anything, I hope it'll help detox my life.

I also resolve to set aside time to pray, for at least 10 minutes, two times a day, everyday. These are easily accomplished by shutting the radio when I drive, so I get to move around Manila in a higher state of consciousness. Hehe. Well now, didn't that sound nice.


11.) Saving Money
I resolve to reduce spending by bringing my own lunch everyday. That should enable me to spare at least another 100 pesos or so a day off food spending. It helps me avoid the unahan sa ulam rush that plagues our satellite canteen, and should ensure I eat healthier in the process.

While I don't think I can really go back to my old tight-fisted ways, I resolve to raise the amount I save by locking away 50% of all income as soon as I get paid. This will give me at least something to work with when payday arrives, and something to fall on if I do decide now is the time to splash cash on that new PlayStation 3 and Rock Band I want, or the kendo armor I need, or the Arsenal shirt I have been eyeing.


12.) Getting My Learn On
I resolve that by the end of Feburary, I will have a functional knowledge of Adobe PhotoShop, by hook or by crook. That means I can already use the application in a creative capacity. And I am a slow learner, but what the heck. I need this stuff.

I also resolve to learn how to take photographs properly! I must learn how to use my camera's myriad features by the end of March, just os I have some lead time. I think that should help improve some of the output I make for work and for myself in leaps and bounds (or at least in steps to the right direction).



Everyone, this list is really a masive experiment. I have never done this before, and if I do stick to this, my year will be all set. I do not know if I can really do this. What matters is that I do what I can.

Wish me well!

current music: the random, meandering noise around Bellarmine around 1:30 PM

In Blackwater Woods

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

- Mary Oliver

current music:

Today is All Soul's Day. I am at home, back from more Kendo training, and home alone. Well, my kid brother is here with me, but that's small consolation. Mom, Dad and Chimoms all left the city to Batangas to chill at the beach and I had to stick behind because I had work Friday.

I was lobbying for a massive party here at my place in their absence, but given there are no surprise guests at my door (it's 9:47 right now) I can safely assume the motion was defeated.

I don't mind being home alone, but I'm not fond of the idle time it forces on me. Heck, even reading books feels like an uneasy chore. So, I'm trying to 'stretch' the mind the way people stretch after exercise. Lord knows my mind has been jumpy-busy September and October.

1.) A42
A week ago, I staffed for A-Days. 42 batches na! My "baby brother" Cy was the Vice Rector, and I had to go and support. I'm happy for him; it's been his dream for the past four years to head a batch, and this Christmas he'll be Rector with another stellar staffer, MaraDel. How's that for a cool storybook ending? Rectors Miggy and Don-Don were also exceptional 'fathers' to the 7 participants!

I had a different vibe around this batch. I'm always "The Professional" when I staff, so I had a certain 'bounce'. I guess it comes from a realization made in the previous two months and their events. It's something like, Christ saying to me "Raph, ako bahala dito, I got your back". And while everything I didn't like about staffing still emerged, I learned to gloss over it to find Christ in the different spaces and places in the venue.

It was quite a recharge that I never saw coming. And I think the rest of the staff felt it too! Everybody was so full of good vibes all of a sudden, when in previous days I remembered more bitterness or more sadness. Call it on the current blend of staff, or the way the top people ran it well, I dunno.

All I know is I look forward to the next! Thank you Lord.


2.) AAA
My work life is WEIRD. Everyday, I go to work and find a beehive. My boss taking and making phone calls. My colleague Jill swamped with e-mails. Our finance officer making the rounds to prepare for her maternity leave (which begins now). Every other day we have people drop by for meetings, and take phone calls as we prepare for this massive Career Expo project we're doing.

As for me? I'm quietly chugging away at a bunch of e-mail queries, and designing PowerPoint Presentations. Every now and then, I get sent out to buy food or deposit a check at the bank.

I don't sit in on the pow-wows. I don't chime in my thoughts anymore on designs or marketing campaigns. I sit back and cruise, and dial in my work, and even surprise people that I'm all done for the day or week.

It's a funny feeling, really. There is suddenly a lot of idle time for me, while everyone else is scrambling to keep their head above water. I'm almost jealous, actually, because I'm not a fan of not being trusted or not being on-the-ball on things. The things they do trust (and thrust) on me are tasks I cannot, for the life of me, do on my own, and good volunteer help is so hard to find.

I still put in 8 hours a day (and sometimes more), and I still have to help out the family chores and stuff. I work hard at what I do, even when too many people don't appreciate my effort. I am paid a pittiance, and I know it. I took a risk when I got this job, with the goal of building myself a good springboard to launch myself. Lately, I feel that while I am establishing my goals for this job, the demands of the world insist I find new ways to earn more money.


3.) A-Days
I've maintained before that my Days community is not perfect. It's broken in some spots, although if I were so bold to say it, I call it broken in some people. We had a batch last week as I mentioned before, and one of the biggest reasons why it was so awesome was because some people weren't there.

There was a big, big pick-up in the mood of the staff! People were more bouyant, more upbeat. People were, by the large, more motivated to work and less distracted. There was less of a line between the 'cool kids' and the 'dorks' among us. People saw that we weren't a rag-tag bunch of factions and clans. We were one people. Without them, we were one.

I am praying that they don't come back anytime soon!

current music: it's silent, but my head is playing Ne-Yo

Because You Forgot

all the words that I've said,
written, read, every line you needed
in your heart and head, all the letters
dropping from me like crumbs of bread
trailing to safety through a valley of the dead

I write you tonight. Because all these words could do,
every vowel and syllable and silent letter U
is curl the hours back, bridging the gap
of the miles of salt and tears.

If you are cold, haunted by the weightless phantoms
of bodies that have passed over
and pressed against both our bodies, I
will whisper your name,
lighting fires from feet to cheek, till nothing
is left of us but ash. If my hands

cannot be the ones that stroke yours
during those secret seconds of warmth,
I will write you the story
of how your fingers found my shoulders,
molded the stone in my back
into wings. If my lips cannot find yours,

or they are replaced by another's,
I will make poem for your feet
that have flown you away,
and in there, I will kiss them,
turn them to fins, so that you may seek me
beneath the seas that I will have thrown my soul to.
If you cannot find me in your thoughts,

I will will you, Dear, a song, such that the sails
of your mind find me through the muddled
mists of memory covering the sea of our lives.
For if I can remind you of this,

this promise that holds the hands of the sun,
the truth that my tongue
finds itself prying from my teeth, what keeps
the follicles of hair on my forearms
standing, the little secret the silent abyss has always known:
that someway, in some light,

every night I breathe, I will write,
and every night I write you will never be alone.

When I was in college, my Philosophy professor, Dr. Leo Garcia, liked to say this version of Sir Francis Drake's prayer to start our day. It didn't leave that much of an impression at first, but after several sessions, it grew on me.

Last night, a friend of mine got drunk and had a lot to say about me. About how I've lived, and how I've still not fully realized who I could truly be, even if I profess living a life where I truly am happy. That I can still go so much further, be it in my career, in my health, in my relationship with God and even in my relationships with people I love dearly.

Here I was, saying I was really happy with how things are going. Like I just finished a tall house of cards, or a castle of sand, and somebody came by and kicked it all into air.

And then tells me to build my house with bricks, and blocks, my castles on rock and stone.

I post this prayer, as a sort of way of saying "Thanks" to God, for this not-so-pleasant reminder that my life's work remains undone. I still find the task of rebuilding Raph quite daunting. Still, I should do it.


Disturb us, O Lord

when we are too well-pleased with ourselves
when our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little, because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, O Lord

when with the abundance of things we possess,
we have lost our thirst for the water of life
when, having fallen in love with time,
we have ceased to dream of eternity
and in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of Heaven to grow dim.

Stir us, O Lord

to dare more boldly, to venture into wider seas
where storms show Thy mastery,
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.

In the name of Him who pushed back the horizons of our hopes
and invited the brave to follow.
Amen.

I remember watching it on YouTube. It was September 18, 2008. Dr. Maya Angelou, one of my favorite poets. She was giving a short warm-up-the-crowd type intro talk for Michelle Obama. Dr. Angelou said that while much is said about her husband Barack, Michelle was also quite amazing herself, as the best person to speak of how a great man he is. Who better that to say this than his wife?

"I believe that only equals fall in love."

She said that and the crowd applauded. Of course, in the context of her talk, she made mention of how somebody like Michelle was more than a match to her man.

But at the same time (and I find this with Maya Angelou poetry) there's a lot more to it.

See, apply it to the people you've loved, or more specifically, fallen in love with. Now, be honest. Not many of them worked out. And that makes sense. But the ones that do, and stick?

I'll use for an example a relationship that did stick. Growing up, I used to wonder why my Mom and Dad got together. Dad was class valedictorian in UP Los Banos, editor of the school paper, and was accelerated and graduated early. But he didn't have much by means of a social life; my sister used to joke "Dad was a loser dork back then" when we talk about it.

Mom? She was Homecoming Queen. Not stellar academically (she didn't pass med school), but popular, with orgs and sorority activities 24/7. Tita Mandy (Mom's dorm roommate then) used to tell stories of the dozens of suitors after Mom, at the flowers they left at the dorm, and how these boys would keep asking her after Mom. Mom shrugged them off the way you try to hide the story about the time an elephant pooped in your backyard while your next-door neighbor told friends about the smell.

So when they told me that the way the "dork" won over the "crush ng bayan" was because of a stray day when Dad sat besie Mom in Cell Biology class, I had to admit being perplexed. "That's it?" I'd think to myself. No sweet talk? No flirting? No GAME? The only major "move" Dad did, apparently, was when he saw Mom depressed at one point, and he spent time with her "being a friend".

Mom's story corroborated it. "He was just so nice to me. I felt he liked me but never said anything, then when I confronted him about it, he told me he liked me. And I liked him na rin, because I got to know what kind of person he was."

NGEK! And to think I wanted a story of riveting passion and romance and a fairy-tale happy ending.

But life isn't like that. And no, Mom and Dad aren't 'equals' in certain ways, it sort of evens out. Mom is the type who lives to experience the world and has helped open up my Dad to new and exciting experiences - new food to taste, new places to visit, new friends to make. Dad, being the stable, predictable rock he has been all his life, has been able to build the strong foundation that my family has grown on. Dad used to say how it was weird, him being "thrifty" and Mom being the spendthrift she was, but now he sees how his wife has become something of the budgeting maven, working the family account like clockwork, like how Dad pulled those 1.0's for his GWA, both in UPLB and in Med school.

Theirs is a love that has endured claims of infidelity, bouts of tempers firing, around a quarter of a century of married life, health crises on both ends, and yes, even children acting a damn fool. It's still stands.

And yeah. Dr. Angelou must've been onto something, saying how people, no matter how different, belong to one another when they know that in their love, they meet their equal.

-----------------------------

I tell you this, for my life is interesting lately, particularly when it came to the women I've met, cared for, and even loved. I am blessed, I guess, that years ago I had found people I knew I could spend my life forever with. And also doubly blessed that my friends are true friends - true friends must be always there, even when you don't realize you need it - their loyalty has come to bat everytime a girl catches my fancy, or when it's me who finds admirers.

My peers have split one another to two sides. On one hand are some of my longest-loving confidantes, adoptive sisters and brothers, some of the wisest and noblest people I've met. Theirs is the belief that love is love is love, that if Raph so chooses to love somebody, then she must be one of the luckiest women around! That if there was anybody who could care and love and nurture a relationship, you'd do a lot worse than Raph (never mind that he's not the physically sexiest man).

Others are different. I nicknamed them "moveonraph.org". They too, number in my deepest, most valuable friends, the kinds I spent hours awake on the phone on, or who have come to my rescue countless times. They still continue to throw my life preserver hoops, albiet a different way - they believe that if somebody was to be loved by Raph, she must deserve it. She must love me in the same endless, no holding back kind of potential that they've seen me in with some girls from way back.

How do you know, who deserves it? How do we tell that somebody deserves another?

And the most important part, I guess is...

...who are they to say whom I should love? :)