current music: Over and Over - Nelly, Heaven Help - Lenny Kravitz


I didn't care about that 7 PM color-coding rule. I needed to return home. I just had to. I wanted to watch plays at Parada, and I wanted to chill out with some friends some more. But I just had to return home as I walked out of the Pub. I just wanted to get away to someplace more familiar.

At home, I kept my chores quick. I talked to my sister, watched the Simpsons and some American Idol (for a change) and ate dinner. My internet maintanance (email, gmail, etc), I kept quick. I just kept going. I didn't want my mind to go blank, and let me remember.

I got up. I walked to my room and closed the door gently behind me. Outside at the hall, I could hear my brother watching NBA basketball and my sister shuffling her feet downstairs to study. I closed the door tightly, and ever so gently such that it wouldn't creak or anything.

I closed my hand into a fist and punched the wall. I pounded it with my knuckles until they reddened and I heard a slight crunchy sound. I stopped lest some of that red would stain the wallpaper.

I took a deep breath. I looked around. I grabbed my pillow and threw it around like a wrestler does his hapless victim. In a fit of rage, I decided to just let it all out, in the privacy of this closed room. I didn't yell, curse, scream or anything like that. I just unloaded all the violence on inanimate things.

I curled into bed and wept.

When I cry, there are no tears. Only a sobbing that takes hold of me. I don't even know if it's really sobbing; it's not really crying if there aren't any tears, so is it still sobbing? But I know what a sob sounds like. And me holding a pillow in tight embrace, and trembling... yeah. I was just a pathetic sight.

--------

This is the worst day in the past week and a half and it has been the worst week in the past 4 years of my life. This is rock bottom, ladies and gentlemen. I'm juggling several tasks, watching my friends either fight among each other, disappear, or just plain pretend not to mind.

And I will do these tasks. I don't care if I'll die from another coughing attack. I will move mountains for once, because other people have been doing it for so long. High time I do too.

----------

I gave myself some time to listen to a friend's problem. Wahaha. right then, I realized that all the worrying I was doing is now on their hands. All their own, dirty, fucking hands. I thought a few days ago that I was the one carrying and spinning the stories so people won't get that hurt. Like I was the bearer of awful secrets.

As the story progressed, things started to spiral. Now, I notice that they're slowly starting to see the whole story like I've seen it for so long. They're starting to get the full extent of their faults. They see what I have been seeing, putting up with, keeping quiet for the past 9 or 10 days.

Putang ina. Dapat lang. May hangganan din ang tao. And I don't want this anymore. I have work to do, a life to lead. I'm tired of being used as some safe-deposit box, or some punching bag. Fuckers, all of 'em.

But nevertheless. They're my friends, and honor is something I'm not accustomed to throwing away. If they need me, I'm still here. I just pray I don't have to lie or anything. Please lang. I didn't ask to be here. Respect and sensitivity are all I need right now. It's really all I'll need. that, and maybe a hug.

-----

I decided to call James. Hehehe. Years may pass, and sometimes some things will never leave you. I talked to bespren James over Game 2 of the PBA Finals and stories of our lives this far. It was nice.

I had long decided to refrain from calling friends whenever I had problems. Slowly I stopped calling, and I started to solve problems on my own, to bug their lives less, to get my own game rolling with or without them. I decided to sever some ties, and I'm happy I did.

And yet, as things are turning from gold to shit, I'm glad that some people just never wanted to disappear. James is one of 'em, and I've not met a person who'd live "Basta Ikaw" better, even if he's got no idea where that phrase comes from. :)I'm surprised by how much I feel better. James, rakstar ka't mahal kita. Sayang lang natalo Talk N Text. Hehe.

--------

Jeb says he can do the play. And now that I have his sched, i can work around it too.

Mel has agreed to play the role of the girl. Astig.

James has agreed to act for me in the dire moment everything falls apart. Personally, I'd love it that my best friend's my actor. I just would. But we'll see.

Si Crisel, kakausapin ko bukas. Sana okey na lahat, for all our sakes.

Wow. Pwede na pala akong mag-timpla ng cast! :) This is a first for me. :) pucha, kulang na lang may baby (as in sanggol talaga) kaming gaganap ng papel ng baby. :p

This is exciting. I can't wait to start experimenting and I can't wait till I find that optimum performance cast. :)

yey. I love this job.

------

This is the song of my entire 2005 so far. hooo yeah.Julian knows why, all too well.

NELLY (f/ Tim McGraw)
Over And Over

'Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it yeah
I can't shake it
Nooo

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again

Ohh
But I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that you would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again

Ohh
I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

(Now that I've realized that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I lock it down
I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

Over and Over again
Over and Over again
Cause it's all in my head



Despair is the worst of sins. It is when you believe that not even God can help you.

Lord, I'm sorry. I just feel utterly angry.

--------

not a total loss though. I think things are looking up somehow. Funny how the night loves me and showers me with blessings, but the sun greets me only to burn me hellishly.