current music: The Ghetto (long version) - Donny Hathaway

Yeah, yeah. So I only post here once a month. Sorry for my having a life then! I just want to use this blog at times like this: when my imagination can't sit still, and I can't decide what to start on.

You see, right now (and I'm dedicating a new paragraph for this, if only to follow non-fic writing conventions), I'm supposed to be doing my homework. Yes, I know it's 12:05 in the morning. Blame me for having too much fun watching cartoons, a habit from childhood I've re-acquired, which is terrible. And add to that fact the massive downloads of episodes from The O.C. that my sister started and watches. eeeyah. Malabo na ang productive computer time, and since I watch The O.C. as well, sige. Nood naman si gago.

Housekeeping concerns:
1.) I have a meeting this Saturday for DWTL. yey.
2.) I have non-fic homework. lots and lots of backlog. waaaw. (but I like Ma'am Karla's class, so what the heck)
3.) I will return those library books of Rilke in two weeks. mmm. Rikle.
4.) Andami kong kailangang basahin para sa Theo at Philo. Sana hindi ako babagsak ng Th141. Puta.
5.) My head! I'm sick.

So let's see. Stories. I hate how my Dad always forces me to get to bed at 12 midnight. Just now he knocked on the door, and I hate how this PC has to face the door, so anybody using it will be vulnerable to attackers who enter the door. Fuck. I need to work. And this stuff I do is important to me.

Meantime, I have had a weird run of dreams lately. I guess cramming and staying up all night to wrap up a Philo 104 paper, and then rushing to class immediately after has taken its toll on my sleeping habits. I've a new personal best: I slept in ALL my classes! Philo, theo, other theo, missy, sir DM, and Ma'am Karla too. Shit. Fr. Nic na lang, at sweep na lahat ng kinukuhang subjects ko for this sem, my last sem.

In a sense, yeah. I feel the senior's syndrome. I can't help but feel sad that the network of friends, that empire of memories and pals and connections I've worked at for four years has to vanish AGAIN. I mean fine, I had something like that in High school, but that was so much smaller, and so much less practical to keep. Now I'm gonna start all over again, with very little to keep track of it all.

I feel like that guy who has to build a house of cards, and he's finished it, and then his friends want to play Puso'y Dos. He knows it'll be over. He takes pictures. But as soon as the whole thing falls down, he can't help but feel that his photos aren't enough to prove to himself that he did it. Gets?

Anyhow, I'm also excited. I wanna start "the rest of Raph's life" soon. Even if my health may prohibit that from being very long.

I think I really, really have to seriously start treating life like I won't last the night. Because on days I feel fine, my Dad, the doctor, acts like I'm gonna go. And when he thinks I'm okay, and lightens my rules, the bad stuff acts up again, and I'm feeling like I'm supposed to start writing out a will. Really. Right now, on the time I'm needing to be very busy and on-the-ball, I'm getting bouts of fever, and I'm dizzy and drowsy and shit.

Well now. If I'm gonna die soon, I hope it'll come quicker. I'm getting tired. Tired of waiting on people, tired of waiting for things to happen, tired of letting things happen by themselves, and tired of trying and trying and seeing so little back.

The way I see it, I should stay up every night! Because I'm gonna day anyway. I might as well keep the hours I really spent worthwhile. Like watch all the porn I want until I'm sick of it. Or write and write and revise and revise until I'm unable to lift the pen for another six months. Or I oughta start eating all the great food out there, or start tricking lovely girls into bed.

Thing is, I dodged that bullet once, a year and a month ago. I cheated death. Now, I think I oughta make the most of the extra lease.