current music: "Time After Time"

I just saw "Before Sunrise".

I originally rented the video for the reasons that 1.) Ate Kules seemed to really love that film, 2.) the sequel was released about a year ago, and was a big hit, 3.) I liked the title, 4.) I like Julie Delpy. It also helped that I just emerged from a 3-day silent retreat, so I needed conversation of some kind, as the house was empty.

Now that I'm done with it, I'll go on a limb: this is now another one of those 'favorites for all-eternity' kind of films. I loved it. It's one of the sweetest, most honest, most inspired works I've seen, never no mind if nothing really takes place before you.

I suppose my time in Fr. Nic's Eurocinema class taught me how to watch movies like this: seeing the underlying signs, the deeper significance of things onscreen, how to gauge the moods of the characters by how they act. It's all so difficult to explain now, but it all boils down to looking at things deeper than what they are (which is what most Hollywood movies, in contrast, focus too much on - immdiate escapism).

Now for the film.

What happens when you meet the love of your life, but you can only spend a single day with them? You make the most of it. And that's exactly what our protagonists, Jessie and Celine did, after they met on a train in Europe. Together, they explored the world of Vienna after-dark, as well as their own and each other's complexities, anxieties, hopes, fears, passions and love.

And it's wonderful. It rang so true to me, seeing how they were together, what they talked about, how they're so different and yet, drawn so intensely to each other.

Basta.
- I loved the script. Brilliantly inspiring.
- I loved how they shot it. Vienna, already a magical kind of place, never looked so romantic.
- I loved how well they knew the city, and the secrets they unearthed throughout their exploration.
- I love Julie Delpy. Wait. Off-tangent. Rewind, rewind.
- I loved Julie Delpy's PERFORMANCE. Yes, biases aside, she really made me, already a jaded critic, fall.

The movie's not for everybody. I know. But for those who will like to listen to really smart conversation, or need a love story to get your weekend going, please watch this. For youself, if for anybody. Because you'll love it. That is, if it's for you.

current music: Without Me - Clair Marlo

Okay Raph. Relax. It's not your job to help every single person you know having trouble.
It's not your job, it's not your job, it's not your job. Relax. Take it easy, you deserve the rest.

Fine. Fine.
*sob*

But I can't help it! I just gotta!. Iba kung mahal mo eh.

But you can't! You mustn't! Learn from your mistakes, as you must let them learn from theirs.

Besides. You can't do anything for them anyway.

current music: Dear Mama - 2pac

Ateneo Checklist
From Momm Tam, Kaia and Patch.

(X) eat at Manang’s
(X) learn the alma mater
(X) get on the dean’s list
(X) sleep on a bench
(X) be a TNT!
(X) jog around the campus in the evening (and morning!)
(X) visit the art gallery
(X) know at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name (Ate Alma, Mang Boyet)
(X) get a Jesuit for a teacher (Fr. Dacanay and Fr. David and Fr. Giordano)
( ) itch from higad bites
(X) have gotten an F in something
(X) have taken a crap in school
(X) watch a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game
(X) give a powerpoint presentation
(X) study in the caf upstairs
(X) watch a T.A play
(X) sit on the SEC ledge and watch the stars
(X) eat in Full House, Martha’s Kitchen, and Ken Afford (buha pa yung MK noon!)
(X) sleep in the lib
( ) visit Mr. San Andres
(X) go to the chapel
(X) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad
(X) cut class with your block to watch a movie (with friends!)
(X) sign up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers: Ferriols, Dacanay, David, Manacsa, Ang, Escaler, Arcilla, Totanes, and many others
( ) go to CERSA night
( ) have tried siomai rice
( ) learn how to smoke
(X) fall in love
(X) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib
(X) play cards during your free time (hahaha!)
(X) dress in business attire
(X) learn to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight
(X) have gotten side comments from ASSOC
( ) take (and enjoy) Saturday classes
(X) go to your immersion
(X) eat Food for Thought sandwiches
( ) get a boyfriend/girlfriend
(X) take time to read the vandalism in the CR doors
( ) watch “Minsan Lang Sila Bata” and “Macho Dancer” for class
(X) do a last minute paper (like 2 hours before it’s due)
(X) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures (for index cards and teachers’ seat plans)
(X) get exempted from final exams
(X) attend a college mass
( ) promise to quit smoking
( ) play hide-and-seek in the mini-forest (hey! there's an idea...)
(X) know where the best restrooms are on campus
(X) join an org
(X) allow yourself to make mistakes (but make sure you sort them out before you graduate)
(X) take summer classes
(X) admire the sacred heart statue in the evening (and if you’re lucky, you might just see a vision of Mama Mary – or so they say!)
(X) make a video for a project
(X) have a crush on a teacher
( ) attend a Jesuit retreat (a must for everyone)
( ) have gotten a parking ticket
(X) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes
(X) learn how to use the Bayantel pay phones
(X) participate in school activities
(X) catch the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts
(X) date an Atenean
(X) ride a tricycle on campus
(X) find a tambayan
(X) admire the marikina valley at night
(X) go drinking along Katipunan
(X) learn how to beg for a higher grade
(X) use your cuts wisely
(X) volunteer to be class beadle
(X) had the worst lottery schedule for reg
(X) admire the trees on campus
(X) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class
( ) eat in the ISO canteen
(X) be active in your org
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy u like signed up for it
( ) get as many app forms as you can during the job fair
(X) learn how to cram (and still get A’s)
(X) sell tickets (or watch) an org-sponsored movie premiere
(X) save money to Xerox all of your seatmate’s notes
(X) have accidentally seen a make-out session
(X) check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge
( ) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm. Bldg or vice-versa
(X) learn how to work with groupmates from hell
(X) perfect the art of parking on campus
(X) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus
(X) develop a love for sisig
(X) learn how to pronounce “AEGIS” properly
( ) have used typing rooms at the library
(X) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function
( ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries
(X) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella
(X) have used consultation hours properly
(X) Looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn’t break any equipment
(X) visit the Guidance Office
(X) and Infirmary

current music: Where the Streets Have No Name - U2

I used to kid around with 1st year high school seatmate Perci that "Life is all about acquiring the most important thing in life: BRAGGING RIGHTS!"

Today, I got a big windfall in that department. :p

Yesterday, it was the Arsenal victory. My team won and made history. I was happy.

But it didn't prepare me for today!

------

After spending the first part of post-practicum class with Tin and the other blockmates, I took to Sir DM's class. This morning, Sir DM started by asking me and Geopet "O, did you guys know if you won the Dean's Awards?" I found it weird he'd ask; he's on the darned judges' panel. I said "Sir, I don't know."

So he sends me out of the room to go and check! I walk alone (Geopet stayed inside) all the way to dela costa hall. I told the secretaries "I'm on an errand for Sir DM Reyes, about the winners of the Dean's Awards". They sat me down, then went in to tell Ma'am Angeli of me. They let me in her office, and it was only they they ask, "Wait, what's your name again?"

"Oh. Ako po si Raph Doval-Santos."

Their eyes suddenly widened! They yelled, "Ikaw pala si Doval-Santos! CONGRATULATIONS! You won! Poetry, di ba?"

I was stunned! Prayers answered right there!

I wanted to cry! Shit! To think I've wanted this for years, even before I shifted into freaking Creative Writing!! Surprise of my college life, talaga. I felt like somebody was filming me for "Wow Mali!" and I'd see Joey de Leon come out somewhere.

Wala. I'm happy. Congrats too to the others who won, (Jihan, Cerz for Drama, Ina for Dance, Jake and Crisel for Theater, Yael for Music, Arlo for Photography). I didn't see the whole list tho; bukas ko pa makikita daw.

I stepped outside and saw Jason, Edlyn and Cerz standing and chatting outside dela costa. I didn't wanna talk to them right then; UMIWAS TALAGA AKO, because I felt so darned emotional. Direstong Gonzaga chapel ako, not saying a word, only praying out my "Thank you's". :)

Pag-labas ko, nasalubong ko si Kimie. hehe. Una kong sinabihan ng balita si Kimie, right after I got out of the chapel. hahaha. I told her the truth; I fear that I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll all be a dream. hahaha. I asked her to keep it secret.

When I got upstairs again to Sir DM's class, he asked "O ba't ang tagal mo?" I explained ma'am angeli wanted to talk to me at around 9 am the next day. he smiled, and congratulated me. (and it turns out, he knew all along I made it. haha.) So much for secrets.

Meeting daw kami ng 9 AM. Full list of winners by then, plus short talk-talk in preparation for March 15 (official ceremony). Haay.

--------

Eto pa!

This afternoon, it rained. and I felt something good, despite the impending doom and gloom I felt about Philo 104 and Theo 141.

Jennic, my friend from LnK texted while I was in the jeep. And she congratulated me, "Raph congrats!" I didn't figure she'd know (or care) about Dean's Awards. so I ask "thanks... um, para saan?"

"Nag-LAE ka ba? ikaw ba si doval-santos, Jose Raphael?ü you passed, no interview."

I FUCKING MADE IT TO UP LAW! NO INTERVIEW!!!

I just got back from Malcolm Hall. no interview! Shit man. I am SMART! ü

(Ritz, I'm sorry if I might not see you at Rockwell. mas malapit sa bahay eh. :p)

It was just a partial list, so may iba pa silang dine-deliberate-an, i imagine. (yuck, ugly writing) funny, how my name was with those 'big shots' in school who darned do well in school, and I mean SERIOUSLY do well in school. So it's a nice feeling.

Do I wanna go? hmm. well, I'll see. Malay natin, baka di ako mag-graduate kasi sa Philo104 at Theo141! :p haha. wag naman. sayang ang shot kong maging-isko. :p

--------

looks like i owe lots of people lunch. :p

I will say this: poetry, law school are doots I wouldn't have been able to see, let alone walk through, if it weren't for YOU.

Thank you. :)

current music: The Ghetto (long version) - Donny Hathaway

Yeah, yeah. So I only post here once a month. Sorry for my having a life then! I just want to use this blog at times like this: when my imagination can't sit still, and I can't decide what to start on.

You see, right now (and I'm dedicating a new paragraph for this, if only to follow non-fic writing conventions), I'm supposed to be doing my homework. Yes, I know it's 12:05 in the morning. Blame me for having too much fun watching cartoons, a habit from childhood I've re-acquired, which is terrible. And add to that fact the massive downloads of episodes from The O.C. that my sister started and watches. eeeyah. Malabo na ang productive computer time, and since I watch The O.C. as well, sige. Nood naman si gago.

Housekeeping concerns:
1.) I have a meeting this Saturday for DWTL. yey.
2.) I have non-fic homework. lots and lots of backlog. waaaw. (but I like Ma'am Karla's class, so what the heck)
3.) I will return those library books of Rilke in two weeks. mmm. Rikle.
4.) Andami kong kailangang basahin para sa Theo at Philo. Sana hindi ako babagsak ng Th141. Puta.
5.) My head! I'm sick.

So let's see. Stories. I hate how my Dad always forces me to get to bed at 12 midnight. Just now he knocked on the door, and I hate how this PC has to face the door, so anybody using it will be vulnerable to attackers who enter the door. Fuck. I need to work. And this stuff I do is important to me.

Meantime, I have had a weird run of dreams lately. I guess cramming and staying up all night to wrap up a Philo 104 paper, and then rushing to class immediately after has taken its toll on my sleeping habits. I've a new personal best: I slept in ALL my classes! Philo, theo, other theo, missy, sir DM, and Ma'am Karla too. Shit. Fr. Nic na lang, at sweep na lahat ng kinukuhang subjects ko for this sem, my last sem.

In a sense, yeah. I feel the senior's syndrome. I can't help but feel sad that the network of friends, that empire of memories and pals and connections I've worked at for four years has to vanish AGAIN. I mean fine, I had something like that in High school, but that was so much smaller, and so much less practical to keep. Now I'm gonna start all over again, with very little to keep track of it all.

I feel like that guy who has to build a house of cards, and he's finished it, and then his friends want to play Puso'y Dos. He knows it'll be over. He takes pictures. But as soon as the whole thing falls down, he can't help but feel that his photos aren't enough to prove to himself that he did it. Gets?

Anyhow, I'm also excited. I wanna start "the rest of Raph's life" soon. Even if my health may prohibit that from being very long.

I think I really, really have to seriously start treating life like I won't last the night. Because on days I feel fine, my Dad, the doctor, acts like I'm gonna go. And when he thinks I'm okay, and lightens my rules, the bad stuff acts up again, and I'm feeling like I'm supposed to start writing out a will. Really. Right now, on the time I'm needing to be very busy and on-the-ball, I'm getting bouts of fever, and I'm dizzy and drowsy and shit.

Well now. If I'm gonna die soon, I hope it'll come quicker. I'm getting tired. Tired of waiting on people, tired of waiting for things to happen, tired of letting things happen by themselves, and tired of trying and trying and seeing so little back.

The way I see it, I should stay up every night! Because I'm gonna day anyway. I might as well keep the hours I really spent worthwhile. Like watch all the porn I want until I'm sick of it. Or write and write and revise and revise until I'm unable to lift the pen for another six months. Or I oughta start eating all the great food out there, or start tricking lovely girls into bed.

Thing is, I dodged that bullet once, a year and a month ago. I cheated death. Now, I think I oughta make the most of the extra lease.

current music: Waiting in Vain - Annie Lennox (yeah. some songs never get old.)

Apparently, my Mozilla Firefox browser has been afflicted with some kind of adware software. I hate it. I thought I got away from all those spammers when I switched to Firefox from IE. Fucking shit, I hate having to lose about half of what I type on a webpage because it auto-switches the browser on me!

--------

Meantime, LARAWAN, our fine arts festival is almost over. Unfortunately, my individual project has NOT been accomplished. I'm in deep shit. Unless I come up with a miracle somewhere today.

I'm tired. I've been acting for Jomike's play, "Lilia's Nest", and I've also been directing another play, "Kung Paano Maglakbay sa Penny Lane". Real quality stuff, I wish more people could see it. Because whenever we stage and there are few people, the energy just seems to droop in horrid fashion. Urgh.

Then again, it's because I help out these two productions that I don't have an Indiv Project. Shit.

-----------


I also have finally written a love poem. Yeah. I just submitted it to Sir DM Reyes today. And I hope he'll have it workshopped somewhere along the way. Because it's quickly becoming my best work EVER. At least, so my peers think. Funny though; I can never write a love poem with a happy ending.

-------------

I realized something.

You know that thing they say about stars? How, when you make a wish on the very first one you see in the sky, you make a wish? Yeah, the Pinocchio story kind of thing. The "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, grant the wish I make tonight" kind of thing?

I discovered that when I make those wishes, they come true... even if it's not exactly in the way I wanted them to be.

1.) I was in Kaingin and wished Aila would stay on. Alangan kasi siya noon. And I had a crush on her, so I hoped she'd stick around so I could stil lsee her. So I made the wish. Guess what? Years later, she's the president. Me? I ended up quitting mid-way through second year due to academic constraints.

2.) A year ago, Criselda was in terrible form; she had an awful spat with her boyfriend (who, in general view, was a jerk to her). As much as I liked her and wanted to have been her guy someday, I made a wish on a star that whatever happens, she'll be happy. And she is. And they're back together, by the way. And I'm still single. Haha.

3.) In sophomore year, I wished I could be published in Heights, kahit isang tula lang. Fast-forward to senior year, and "Dissection" made it to the pages of Vol. LIII, Issue #1.

4.) I made a wish that a certain girl whom I met in OrSem back in 2nd year would never trouble me again. And yeah. She doesn't trouble me. Because I don't talk to that bitch anymore. Heck, I imagined she'd become quite the campus crush, but I don't really hear much about how she's doing. Oh well. Sayang ka, Joan. Good riddance to you.

5.) I made a wish a year ago that the merry-go-round squabble that I had to sit in between Patch, Tish and Timo would stop, and that they'd all be friends, and they'd all get along well. And I'm happy to say that each of the three are very happily invovled with other guys and girl apiece. And they're friends. Well, not REALLY close friends, but they're okay. I'm glad.

6.) It seemed unlikely, but I made a wish I'd get over Absky. And that she'd also be fine, wherever life woud tak her. And it took a while, but yeah. I heard she's happily un-single again, and she's doing well with her stuff in YFC and in school. And yeah. Life took her far, far away from me. And I feel it: she's gone from that place she used to sit in my thoughts and feelings.

7.) I made a wish after my OrSem that I could be a TnT. That wish came true one year later. And what a ride it was!

8.) I made a wish that I could be close to my family again. Yeah. :)

9.) I made a wish that I could be there for Den, particularly in those really tough stretches of weeks whenever her husband would be cranky, or violent, or sick or whatever the hell would go wrong. Oddly enough, she's managed fine without me, but she always says I do give her that emotional support. And for that, I'm glad.

10.) I made a wish on a star for dear friend Britney, este, Julian. He was one of my friends who had been... er, I dunno. Wasn't too well-recieved by the people he looked up to. So I wished he'd find himself a better niche somehow. And now, he's no longer in Ateneo, but he's happy. And he's in good company. And for that, I felt very happy.

11.) I remember after graduating from high school, one scene was when a friend of mine, Ailyn, was crying because she felt she lost a chance to grow closer to this best friend of hers whom she loved so, so much. And I told her it would all be okay. And I made a wish that I would be right, somehow. Now, she's four years wiser and one boyfriend happier (even if it's somebody else now, hehehe).

12.) I made a wish for my friends James, Lopao, Emong and Tasyo, friends of mine I tagged mentally as "Pisay's most eligible" and that they'd be "off the market" so I could move around! Because it was so hard getting around with them still single! They're all now happily settled too. Of course, it didn't really help my own social life, but who cares. Si Julius at si Fritz na lang yung kulang. Hehehe.

13.) I made a wish for Leslie. Because she was my first inspiration. And I really liked her. And she didn't like me back. Haha. She drove me to start writing, and while I acknowledge that it was because of her that I am now in the path I'm walking to this day, I wished then that I wouldn't regret this choice I've made on account of somebody else. Well, I'm almost a Creative Writing grad, and I hard-pressed to pick any other place I'd rather be, really.

14.) When I gave Leslie roses on her birthday, the only wish I made was that she'd like them. She liked the flowers. Even if she never did like me. Hehehehe.

15.) I had a dream about me meeting a really beautiful girl. I didn't know who she was, and when I woke up, I didn't know why I had that dream. I never believed I'd ever meet her. But I did. And I'm glad. And we're great friends.

I dunno. I dunno. Each of the times, I never really made a serious effort to try and make them real for myself. Heck, even the TnT thing didn't feel TOO hard; it came naturally somehow (even if in real life I'm very quiet, a trait unbecoming of a TnT). That is, except for getting published in Heights, but that one wasn't too much effort either: I sent in the poem and said to myself "Whatever! If this doesn't work I'm giving up this poetry shit, dammit! Wala namang may gusto ng sinusulat ko!" And voila!

I also notice that my wishes hardly revolve 100% on myself; that they all do good for somebody else other than me, and they're the ones most likely to be granted.

I can't recall all the wishes I made; some of them I made because I deep-down wanted something ELSE. Like how I hoped Crisel would be with me. But I said "I wish she would be happy." And it worked like that. Odds are, I've made a wish for you, dear readers, but I don't remember it, when it was made, and what terms.

Funny how, these choices I make, which are based on other people, all seemed to pan out, even if I myself don't quite get much back. But that was never the point.

current music: Lots of Disco Music from the 70's, because it's my brand-new picker-upper.

Sexual favors are not part of my vocabulary. Even if, in some respects and in many situations over the past weeks, they should be. hahahaha. Joke. Half-meant. Hmm. quiet ka na lang raph.

I've been listening to a lot of disco music, if only so I can fulfill my favor for Kimie to cook her a CD mixtape of 70's disco. I love the CD I made, I'm thinking of making one for myself .Hehehe. Or if not, I'll keep the playlist stashed away so I can use it whenever forever. I dunno, listening to "Heaven Must be Missing an Angel" (Tavares), or "Last Night a DJ Saved My Life" (In Deep) or "Staying Alive" (Bee Gees) or "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers) all just keeps me smiling. And it worked! I played the CD in the Everest on the way to school, and I was practically jumping up and down with so much positive energy!

Then the day happened. And I discovered I blew a lot (well, not a LOT) of my birthday money on books that weren't needed. :p And that Jomike's play has OFFICALLY begun to unnerve me. But fine, at least I'm not TOO ngarag to the point that I can't get myself smilng again. hehehe.

Ooh, speaking of disco, I had the most fun rehearsal for Penny Lane today! We decided to add a short "dance-off" in heaven, just so I know Chimoms will like it (because she likes dance-showdowns in movies) and just so we could get an excuse to choreograph a segment with the music "Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel". I'll have to squeeze that in to the block, but who cares, it'll be fun!

We were messing around in front of the dance studio mirror, and we discovered that Patch knew all the steps to the dance Cameron Diaz does in "Charlie's Angels"! Riot! Kulang na lang naka-panty lang si gaga, just like the movie. Up and down and all around the exhibit hall we were messing around with the music, that I think all the other people rehearsing then got distracted, and got jealous of us having so much fun! Minutes later, Jason and Cerz joined in on the fun, and we all tripped to it.

Then! I decided to rush down to the pubroom, and I re-claimed the CD I made for Kimie, and played it! And suddenly, the old VST & Co. song "Sumayaw Sumunod" became the theme for the practice! Kakatuwa! Patch was leading the choreo, and I was jumping up and down with glee watching Jason and Cerz do it. I told Ada to NOT follow the steps properly (because her character shouldn't), but she still did well, and I couldn't blame her. Ako lang yung sablay; I take forever to learn steps in a dance, even if I love dancing myself.

Ayan. 70's disco music is my new "pikcr-upper". I shall treat it with love.

As for "disco" in another sense, well... yeah. I needed one. And I'll need one again. And again. Because I'm feeling unusally overwhelmed by the monsters that have been rising and long kept showed away. Like Non-fic homework, like Philo readings and Theo readings, and my own goddamned thesis, let alone the other personal priorities I make for myself and for others.

Wala lang. 60% of what I do, I don't NEED to do, but I can't sleep if I didn't do them for somebody else. It's like how, in LnK, when we use up our summer vacations to tutor kids so these kids can get scholarships. We do it simply because they need us. At un lang yun.

But here? I don't FEEL needed. Even if you can argue about it that in a real way, I AM needed a whole lot.

Teka. Tapos na "Sumayaw Sumunod". Eto naman. "Disco Inferno" by the Trammps. Hehehehe.

I can hear my kid brother on the phone. He's talking about the time the family went to Tagaytay, and how he went swimming in Punta Fuego. Malamig daw, kasi New Year's noon. And I miss swimming, deep down. Although, I don't miss it THAT much. Because, well, I'm not comfy with the social stigma of swimming and being as overweight as I am. Even if swimming and exercise is exactly what I'd need.

And I don't get enough exercise anymore! If I didn't do the Jomike play, I probably would. Heck, I'm half-wisihing something, ANYTHING goes wrong with the play, so I get an excuse to beg myself off of doing it for him. But then again, I don't want to QUIT. Because I don't quit, and when I do, I know it's when it can't be done. And I don't want to leave Jomike helpless; he's already embattled enough as it is. And I can imagine what I'd feel if people were helping me on my own project, and walked out. Like, if the guy who playes Hitler quit on me and Jihan. I'd cry. Or worse.

Song's over. "The Hustle" naman, by Van McCoy and the Soul City Company! Sweeet! :D

I'm feeling a whole lot less down after the exhausting day I've had. Ah. I just need dinner now. And I'll probably get it, because they're calling me to the dining room. Ciao everyone.

current music: Lots of Disco Music from the 70's, because it's my brand-new picker-upper.

Sexual favors are not part of my vocabulary. Even if, in some respects and in many situations over the past weeks, they should be. hahahaha. Joke. Half-meant. Hmm. quiet ka na lang raph.

I've been listening to a lot of disco music, if only so I can fulfill my favor for Kimie to cook her a CD mixtape of 70's disco. I love the CD I made, I'm thinking of making one for myself .Hehehe. Or if not, I'll keep the playlist stashed away so I can use it whenever forever. I dunno, listening to "Heaven Must be Missing an Angel" (Tavares), or "Last Night a DJ Saved My Life" (In Deep) or "Staying Alive" (Bee Gees) or "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers) all just keeps me smiling. And it worked! I played the CD in the Everest on the way to school, and I was practically jumping up and down with so much positive energy!

Then the day happened. And I discovered I blew a lot (well, not a LOT) of my birthday money on books that weren't needed. :p And that Jomike's play has OFFICALLY begun to unnerve me. But fine, at least I'm not TOO ngarag to the point that I can't get myself smilng again. hehehe.

Ooh, speaking of disco, I had the most fun rehearsal for Penny Lane today! We decided to add a short "dance-off" in heaven, just so I know Chimoms will like it (because she likes dance-showdowns in movies) and just so we could get an excuse to choreograph a segment with the music "Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel". I'll have to squeeze that in to the block, but who cares, it'll be fun!

We were messing around in front of the dance studio mirror, and we discovered that Patch knew all the steps to the dance Cameron Diaz does in "Charlie's Angels"! Riot! Kulang na lang naka-panty lang si gaga, just like the movie. Up and down and all around the exhibit hall we were messing around with the music, that I think all the other people rehearsing then got distracted, and got jealous of us having so much fun! Minutes later, Jason and Cerz joined in on the fun, and we all tripped to it.

Then! I decided to rush down to the pubroom, and I re-claimed the CD I made for Kimie, and played it! And suddenly, the old VST & Co. song "Sumayaw Sumunod" became the theme for the practice! Kakatuwa! Patch was leading the choreo, and I was jumping up and down with glee watching Jason and Cerz do it. I told Ada to NOT follow the steps properly (because her character shouldn't), but she still did well, and I couldn't blame her. Ako lang yung sablay; I take forever to learn steps in a dance, even if I love dancing myself.

Ayan. 70's disco music is my new "pikcr-upper". I shall treat it with love.

As for "disco" in another sense, well... yeah. I needed one. And I'll need one again. And again. Because I'm feeling unusally overwhelmed by the monsters that have been rising and long kept showed away. Like Non-fic homework, like Philo readings and Theo readings, and my own goddamned thesis, let alone the other personal priorities I make for myself and for others.

Wala lang. 60% of what I do, I don't NEED to do, but I can't sleep if I didn't do them for somebody else. It's like how, in LnK, when we use up our summer vacations to tutor kids so these kids can get scholarships. We do it simply because they need us. At un lang yun.

But here? I don't FEEL needed. Even if you can argue about it that in a real way, I AM needed a whole lot.

Teka. Tapos na "Sumayaw Sumunod". Eto naman. "Disco Inferno" by the Trammps. Hehehehe.

I can hear my kid brother on the phone. He's talking about the time the family went to Tagaytay, and how he went swimming in Punta Fuego. Malamig daw, kasi New Year's noon. And I miss swimming, deep down. Although, I don't miss it THAT much. Because, well, I'm not comfy with the social stigma of swimming and being as overweight as I am. Even if swimming and exercise is exactly what I'd need.

And I don't get enough exercise anymore! If I didn't do the Jomike play, I probably would. Heck, I'm half-wisihing something, ANYTHING goes wrong with the play, so I get an excuse to beg myself off of doing it for him. But then again, I don't want to QUIT. Because I don't quit, and when I do, I know it's when it can't be done. And I don't want to leave Jomike helpless; he's already embattled enough as it is. And I can imagine what I'd feel if people were helping me on my own project, and walked out. Like, if the guy who playes Hitler quit on me and Jihan. I'd cry. Or worse.

Song's over. "The Hustle" naman, by Van McCoy and the Soul City Company! Sweeet! :D

I'm feeling a whole lot less down after the exhausting day I've had. Ah. I just need dinner now. And I'll probably get it, because they're calling me to the dining room. Ciao everyone.

current music: God Only Knows - The Beach Boys

Of the many mysteries of the universe, the one thing I can't really fully accept is the idea that some things are "meant to be" or "not meant to be". I always believed it to be bullshit. How can we fully say that some things are 'fated' not to work out? Who are we to discern that God's playing with us and our lives?

Already it's a very Christian belief that we are free, that God doesn't tinker with our lives, that we get to do things because God lets us do things, and respects us to make our own mistakes. That, to me, is extremely reassuring. It tells me that as all-powerful He is, we're not his chess pieces. We're his friends. And you never force yourself on your friends.

So in my head, I don't really say that I believe some things are "fated" to be the way they are. I will not accept an explanation when people say "wala, it's not meant to be". Maybe the timing wasn't right, maybe something hit a snag somewhere, maybe we overlooked a slight detail. Those ideas, those rationalizations, I'll accept. It tells me that somehow, we're very limited in our powers.

Right now, I'm thinking like this because, well, I don't know how I can explain why I'm unusually unlucky, in many mournfully personal aspects that I can't figure out reasons for. I've a history of not having explanations, and not really being able to articulate explanations for myself.

I can't explain why I'm dying to be with you, when I don't believe in destiny, but I feel utterly destined for you.

current music: George Winston's Pachelbel Canon in D Major (piano)

At last. Napanood ko na rin sa wakas ang "My Sassy Girl".

Now, I understand why you love this song. Now I understand why you love this film.

I freaking love the film. It's so darned sweet, and I think, it's the very, very first romantic comedy that's made me really start believing in the big stuff like love, fate, destiny and whatever else.

Or, that could just be me thinking that I'm believing because of the film, when I probably already did believe even before I watched "My Sassy Girl". Ah whatever. It's a really great movie. And like every nice DVD, the 'deleted scenes' also are a treat; I get to see stuff that would've impacted the story, but left out. And for good measure; the story really might have become confusing, but I understand what they were trying to emphasize: that Gyo-hun (tama ba?) and the girl really, really did seem to interact in each other's lives, in so many odd coincidences, until it lead to a final, sweeping moment that defined these coincidences into one, sure, real thing.

I want to believe my life is sort of like that too, that my relationships could be like that too, somehow. That there really, really is somebody who turns me inside out, who I'll never live up to, who I'll forever try to impress or do something nice for, but whom I never really get to 'relax' with, until the very end. And even then, I don't think those two ever did "relax" into each other after: there are still probably those days when she'd still kick his ass, or make him do all manner of shit.

Heck, I don't recall once they ever said "I love you" to each other. And that made the love story all the more poignant, in a way.

But I dunno. I'm struck by the film, how certain scenes hit very critical nerves in me, and my life right now. Seriously. It's a scary feeling. Because maybe, just maybe, my life really is like how it is in the films, just as Cerz predicted it may be one day.

And I don't know if it's because I'll give up control of my life, or that I'll steer it into a meaningfully good one. All I'm sure is that right now, I'm trying my best not to cry, or yell, or scream or whatever. Because in my head, there are scenes that I'm unable to shake: riding trains, going clubbing, writing letters, watching girls cry...

Why why why.

I never knew how oddly some things lead me back to you.

Just when I thought I'd give this up, because I felt I'm not what God wanted for you... there comes another weird coincidence that I'll probably over-think into something. But I can't help it; what am I if I can't do that?

current music: Run It - Chris Brown

Oh great. It's 2006. I feel like the year snuck past me, and I didn't realize that it pulled my pants down. Or something. Oh well.

Still, the year was quite an interesting one. This blog, however, isn't the right place to do a recap; my LJ has more juicy details. There are more stories locked away in its heart.

I will say that about a year ago, I spent it in my room chatting with my brother. This year, no such luck; I spent it mostly thinking on my own, which was good, and shivering in the hills of Tagaytay with my family, which was not so good. But fine.

So what happened in 2005? (I shall use my LJ as a cross-reference tool.)

January:
- turned 21. whopee-doo. dapat debut ko daw ito, but it doesn't apply. i don't get that lucky
- directed a scene study
- survived Payatas Days.
- fell in love with U2's music.
- witnessed the start of a war between 3 good friends from A-Days.
- witnessed my crush of about a year cry, right in front of me in Starbucks katipunan

February:
- spent Valentie's day not stressing about anything, for once. but still, no less melancholy.
- made a huge surge to pull grades up on all fronts
- kept directing my final piece. watched as well-laid plans fell apart.
- maintained good relations with many people. particularly the feuding three. became very close with some of them over that time.

March
- discovered how cool an iPod would really be.
- directed the finals piece, to mixed reviews but overall success
- wrote poetry again after a long dry spell
- bonded with Jemjem over Playstation 2
- finished the schoolyear.
- got pissed off at a friend because she wouldn't dare listen to what I had to say.
- started jogging
- I saw a friend cry.
- later, another friend arrives. and we learned how to play poker.

April
- got my grades. DL pala ako. w00t!
- summer registration. there's a long story (and a poem!) in there.
- farewell, Your Holiness. got seen on TV for it. hehe.
- owed up to having hypertension. lifestyle changes begin
- entered a difficult dieting program
- discovered a former crush got a job i wanted for myself years ago. On april fool's, no less.
- A28. part-time nga lang though.
- gave the Eagle Story for LnK. happiness. :)

May:
- TnT preparations. Costume-making ensues. didn't get the job anyway. hehehe.
- LnK! (sportsfest, parties, formacom, etc.)
- Tito Jose, rest in peace.
- termites infest my room
- Star Wars episode 3! and Kingdom of Heaven!
- Arsenal win the FA Cup! :D
- the end of The Fifth Summer. Sad.

June:
- A29. Housing Head. sheeeeet.
- classes resume. (art writing, poetry w/ sir larry, and practicum topbill)
- I decided it was ripe for change.
- spent the early part playing NBA Street V3, and also listening in to NBA Finals.
- began jogging with Jihan. started to become good friends with Jihan.
- wrote a lot of poems, but one stuck for, like, forever.

July:
- can you say "Neil Gaiman"? Gateway adventures! Batman Begins!
- "Sa Uulitin", by Mojofly
- coke, anybody? :p
- nagka-party kina Lolo Rowald. yipee!
- suddenly, ang dalas kong lumabas. The Wednesday hungry trinity was formed. (Rodic's, Gayuma, etc)
- Debut ni Chimoms! and stuff after.

August:
- lumalabas kada wednesday. at kumakain.
- Aegis photoshoot.
- Bayanihan with blockmates
- got to cook an entire meal.
- finally got published! Yeah!
- finally put to rest some things regarding her. oo, siya din.

September:
- Happy birthday, you. I'm happy you got your wish at last.
- Edlyn's birthday libre.
- Raph starts getting into emo, c/o mostly Mela, and continued by Mindy
- Art Writing's got me busy.
- Sonya's Garden.

October:
- S.A.W.I., Darls' party
- bringing Jay home, drunk
- thesis defense, preparations for Ateneo Law,
- sem break. raph starts missing everybody
- A30. heartbreaker of a batch. security head ako, though. (although... something changed here.)- Nick Horby's "High Fidelity", and Neil Gaiman + Terry Pratchett's "Good Omens"

November:
- Humanities Week!
- Lit Night to remember
- Law exams left and right
- No more DL powers starts to sink in
- got drunk. yeah.
- got sick shortly after. yebah.
- THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER by Stephen Chbosky
- Christa's debut. LnK mini-reunion!
- so many little coincidences

December:
- Immersion!
- Mela's birthday.
- directing monologue series!
- auditions for FA Festival!
- Christmas!
- directing Jihan's play!
- A31! Happy birthday Kuya Jess!
- party ni Lolo Rowald!
- New Year's at Tagaytay.

Whew. that's that.

now time for dinner. i'm not hungry, but i'm obliged to eat. tsk. i just hope i don't end up barfing all over the place or whatever. i'm THAT full after all the adventures of the day.

biro mo? paguwi namin sa maynila, dumaan ulit kami kina lolo rowald. party naman sila ulit! This time, it was the carrasco side of the family (lola pining's side) that had reason to celebrate, along with guests from the people who used to live in their compound. I wanted to hunt out the childhood friends I made from way back, but I didn't see them today. tsk.

instead, we snuck to tito allan's sanctuary, with the snazzy Yamaha 5.1 sound system, the huge flat-screen digital TV, and DVD player, and the beanbag which is just love. i got to watch an episode of Macross for the first time. and I walked home borrowing the DVD of "My Sassy Girl". yesh! finally!

oh, and we ate a lot.

now, i have to eat some more.

I wrapped the long-sleeved shirt I was wearing this morning around my neck. I've not coughed for hours, and it feels so darned nice!

know what else?

If somebody gave me a scarf for Christmas, I'd give them a big hug. Really.

And I ain't talking about the wussy-looking oversized handkerchief things they have little boys wear in scout meets. I'm talking the knitted, wooly-textured thing. The kind they put around necks of snowmen. The kind that you find in Baguio sometimes, or in Canada most of the time. The type that the crowds of fans in soccer games raise up in the air, showing off the team's colors in solidarity. The sort that you'd NEVER use in hot-as-Hell-almost-all-the-time Manila.

Thing about it. This weather? My health? It's the most logical thing I could ask for. I'd cough less, and I'd shiver less too. And they could be my personal fashion take, given the cold weather. (after all, I'd only wear it when it's cold. like December, when I get sick. and I'd never have to fear December again!)

IN FACT, I've a spontaneous desire to start collecting scarves! Yes. That's right. I'm for collecting one of the arguably the most useless things you can own in the Philippines. I'd love to have a veritable army of neck-warming cloths in my wardrobe someday. :)

NOW, if that scarf was an Arsenal FC scarf, I'd cry. Really. because I've always wanted one. hehehe.

YES, I know they'll be useless for most of the rest of the year. But I can dream, can't I? And I'll keep them safe and warm for ten months (Feb to Nov), and they'll keep me safe for two (Dec and Jan).

Won't you help me make this dream real? Sure you will. :)

I'm blogging here because, quite frankly, I don't think anybody reads this blog anymore. Which is nice. And that's good.

Updates on me for the past few days:

1.) We have a new dog! Our brown Doberman mini-pinsch, Frappy (short for Frappuccino) was collected by our Tita Lou. Something to do with Mom planning to breed dogs for business. Whatever. In the meantime, we have a hybrid shih tzu / terrier (I'm not sure exactly which breed) of around 2 months or so. And it's a boy. And we call hm Dimitri. And he's really cute. And he's been with us for three days now, including today.

Last night, I let him out of the box. He followed me ever so obediently. I missed that kind of dog; when I sit, he waits. When I walk, he gets up and follows. He has really stubby short legs, and has trouble climbing up and down steps, but still will, just so he can follow me. And when we're not doing anything, it didn't try to help or call attention or bounce up and down like Odie out of Garfield. He just slumped on the floor. And tried his best to make like Eeyore and look cute. And it was very endearing because it was cute.

I want to show him off to all of you, whoever still reads this. I am making it a project to take digital photos of him. If you ever spot me with my camera, remind me about the dog.

2.) I'm sick. It's not the life-threatening sick. But it feels like it. I have a sore throat, and speaking to others is a chore. I can't hug people close or kiss them on the cheek when I greet them anymore, even if it's inherent in me to try. Especially since I'm not affectionate to ALL people, but only a select few I love. And not all who I love, I am affectionate to. It's a challenge to try and talk normally. Or to whip out my handkerchief out when I sneeze fast enough.

I still blame the little sleep over the last weekend. I hate this. I used to have a tough constitution, of being able to survive with little to no sleep, be it jet lag or too much food or too much work. Now, I guess as November brings in colder nights, it brings lots of colder, well, colds. Darn. I hate this pattern of mine getting sick near Christmas.

Still, a few sniffles, sneezes and coughs never bothered me too much. It's just that today was Thursday. And there's always a lot of work for my TTH these days. And I don't have the car today, so I'm taking the jeep home. That does not help my healthcare situaion.

3.) Speaking of getting sick, Dad's worried about me again. It's quite sweet, actually. But truth be told, it's a pain being ordered to take medicines that you hate taking when you know they're not the real best cure. I know all I need is lots and lots of sleep, not anti-asthma medication. He thinks the coughing is from blocked airways, when I know it's all just a side-symptom of this influenza. And I've the nerve to say this about a licenced doctor because he's hardly ever done 'tests' to diagnose me. And he hardly does, partly because he's confident he knows his children.

Oh well.

4.) I just finished Stephen Chbosky's "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." I love it to bits. I credit Mindy for introducing me to it. I'm ever so happy I bought this out of my own cash.

Right now, I think I'm forming a small library of sorts with my books. Ever since the Heights Workshop where they gifted us three books, I've been buying lots of stuff. Poetry anythologies, novels, even photocopied versions of classics, I've got.

I want to throw out all the Math and Biology books and the dull, annoying textbooks and stuff I never once used out of my room's bookshelf. I will replace Santrock with Hornby, Quimpo with Kundera, and "Fundamental Calculus" with "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." It will be full of the poems and stories I have learned to love. When right now, those books are in a pile on the floor, and Lola's old Math books are in a shelf, I wish to switch that.

Hell, I'll get to it right now, as soon as I get home.

5.) I went to watch Harry Potter yesterday. It was a Wednesday, and like all Wednesdays, I got out of the house again. Which is jolly good, for its own sake.

I realize now, however, that I so badly want to see some people. Wednesday yesterday wasn't the same. It wasn't a lot of fun; I felt like I wasn't part of it, you know? Like I was really, just looking into a gatering of friends I wasn't exactly a full-fledged member of.

I wonder if that's how some people once felt, when I was with them, and with other people.

Now that thought just makes me sad.

6.) I learned more from my lectures these past few days than ever.

I used to have a strange quirk. I'd go to school real early, and park at the parking lot fronting the football field. I'd watch the sun rise and the people pass by on te walkway beside the field. I'd notice what they'd be wearing to the first class of the day. When I'd had my fill, I'd cross Katipunan and I'd buy breakfast at Jollibee. I'd always get the hot chocolate as my drink, and if I were lucky, they'd give me a copy of the newspaper for free. I'd eat slowly, deliberately.

Then, when I'd have had my fill, but still enough hot chocolate with me, I'd write poems. I'd write and write and write on my notebooks. I'd be happy writing. I'd make about 5 drafts of works on a good day, and 2 or 3 on a not-so-good day. Then I'd get up, stuff my new creations in my bag, and I'd revise them one evening. I'd revise them when I type them in the computer. And I'd be proud that my 'ritual' and the sixty-something pesos for breakfast amounted to something.

I realize that there is value in the rituals we keep. They frame our thoughts and our feelings. They show us what how serious we are about what we'll do. They show us what really is imporant, because we do the trivial things first. They help us keep rites; they are good habits.

I want to go to Jollibee Katipunan tomorrow morning. I will go there. Because I will write.

Anybody who comes with me will be welcome. :)

I hate you and love you all at the same time now, Mindy.
For now, you have shared with me and opened my eyes to a book that is quickly kicking so much ass, it's replacing each of all my favorites!



----excerpt excerpt exceprt----------

Inside the card, I told Sam that the present I gave her was given to me by my Aunt Helen. It was an old 45 record that had the Beatles' song "Something." I used to listen to it all the time when I was little and thinking about grown-up things. I would go to my bedroom window and stare at my reflection in the glass and the trees behind it and just listen to the song for hours. I decided then that when I met someone I thought as beautiful as the song, I should give it to that person. And I didn't mean beautiful on the outside. I meant beautiful in all ways. So I was giving it to Sam.

Sam looked at me soft. And she hugged me. And I closed my eyes because I wanted to know nothing but her arms. And she kissed my cheek and whispered so nobody could hear.

"I love you."

I know that she meant it in a friend way, but I didn't care because it was the third time since my Aunt Helen died that I heard it from anyone. The other two times were from my mom.

After that, I couldn't believe that Sam actually got me a present, because I honestly thought that the "I love you" was it. But she did get me a present. And for the first time, something nice like that made me smile and not cry. I guess Sam and Patrick went to the same thrift store because their gifts were together. She tok me to her room and stood me in front of her dresser, which was coveredin a pillowcase with pretty colors. She lifted off the pillowcase, and there I was, standing in my old suit, looking at an old typewriter with a fresh ribbon. Inside the typewriter was a piece of white paper.

On that piece of white paper, Sam wrote, "Write about me sometime." And I typed something back to her, standing right there in her bedroom. I just typed.

"I will."

And I felt good that those were the first two words that I ever typed on my new old typewriter that Sam gave me. We just sat there quiet for a moment, and she smiled. And I moved to the typewriter again, and I wrote something.

"I love you, too."

And Sam looked at the paper, and she looked at me.

"Charlie...have you ever kissed a girl?"

I shook my head no. It was so quiet.

"Not even when you were little?"

I shook my head no again. And she looked very sad.

She told me about the first time she was kissed. She told me that it was with one of her dad's friends. She was seven. And she told nobody about it except Mary Elizabeth and then Patrick a year ago. And she started to cry. And she said something that I won't forget. Ever.

"I know that you know that I like Craig. And I know that I told you not to think of me that way. And I know that we can't be together like that. But I want to forget all those things for a minute. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you. Okay?"

"Okay." She was crying even harder now. And I was, too, because when I hear something like that I just can't help it.

"I just want to make sure of that. Okay?"

"Okay."

And she kissed me. It was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.


----------------


You were right: this book is fucking brilliant. And I am so grateful.

current music: Get Down Saturday Night - Oliver Cheatham

The Great Miss Manalo Post!

Intro: Every summer at LnK, we write out a description of our 'ideal' mates, and we have dubbed them as our "Miss Manalo" (for guys) or "Mister Manalo" (for girls and those-who-would-be-girls). And every summer, I notice I tended to change my preferences. Thing is, I miss the LnK'ers sick (I won't see them until Christa's party or later), and I decided to post this on our much-unused "online LnK logbook". And so here we have it: my Miss Manalo.

WANTED: ISANG 'MISS MANALO' PARA KAY RAPH

Single, Catholic, Filipino female, 5'3" or taller, aged 16 - 24 (or, simply put, not too old) who can deal with the eccentricities of a soon-to-be Creative Writing graduate of the Ateneo de Manila, who, while not the most handsome man in the world, is a pretty decent guy, with much potential and a lot to offer. No prior job experience of having boyfriends required.

Must have great sense of humor and very beautiful voice. Must love vegetarian food (or should be at least willing to give it a shot), good literature, good music, good films, dogs and Raph's family. Interests should ideally include (but not strictly limited to) music, poetry, theater, coffee, Third World debt relief, soccer and watching sunsets. Must be good with children, or at least, will be good with children someday. Abillity to sing and/or dance and/or act also a major plus, but not wholly necessary.

Applicant must be open to spontaneous acts of random sweetness and/or thoughtfulness for no apparent reason, even when pissed off or experiencing a hangover. Insensitive and un-appreciative behavior as well as any cynicism observed from applicants will be noted for future reference.

Being good with people, involvement in performing arts (theater, music, etc) or experience in Days with the Lord are a plus. All willing applicants must be able to appreciate dry, sarcastic comedy, and would be able to keep up when conversations border on the intellectual. Should be willing and open to share personal beliefs, but not too pushy advocating them. Abillity to be discuss any topic from God, to sex, to the weather, to food, to sports, to politics, to family life, to how-their-day-was would be ideal.

Illiterates, non-readers, smokers, sex workers and drug addicts need not apply. All applicants who do not meet the height of 5'3", or are older than Raph by 10 years or more must request a meeting with Raph for prior approval. All applicants with overbearing (interfering) parents must also seek prior approval. No outward appearances of Chinese-Filipino descent necessary; that's for the other Doval-Santos son.

Wide hips and morena skin are also percieved advantages, along with looking nice in glasses.

Applicants must have read, or at least heard of the required readings: "The Little Prince," "The Alchemist," "The Prophet", the works of Gaiman, Hornby, Neruda, Asimov, or any 3 distinguished poets and/or fictionists. Familiarity with authors, films and musicians that Raph is not familiar with, and vice versa is a percieved advantage.

All potentials must be understanding if dates do not exceed in expense of PhP 350 (as Raph doesn't have a high-paying job yet), or if gifts are of the variety that cannot be found in any store. Participation in these events is a must; coming up with ideas for future plans would be ideal. Must like Raph's cooking, as he is willing to do this a lot. Street-smarts are a must (experience commuting, how to fend of pick-up artists, etc).

Raph has indicated to us that he is willing to change in any which way that suits chosen applicant's needs (ie: learning how to play guitar, taking on a new fashion sense, etc), provided that it does not violate his morals and principles (ie: promiscuity, drug abuse, shoplifting, bands like Cueshe, etc). Applicant should be able to bring out best in Raph; examples vary, but commonly found in improved overall well-being.

Experience as fashion model not necessary; it's not a beauty pageant anyway. It would, however help applicant if she looked pretty when she smiles.

Because it is Raph's hope he'll be the one who'll make her do a lot of that. ü

current music: Hiling - Paramita


I can't help but feel like it's me. That it's my fault. Because I'm like that, you know.

Honestly, I never, NEVER agreed to what they said. I did not believe a word they said.

Because the person they took the pains to say would hurt me one day was not the person I had come to know all this time, not the one I had learned to trust. And it wasn't fair for them to decide who it was I would pick to come near me, the way I picked them, once.

Why lie about a thing like that?

And believe me, as damaged as ties with them are, I knew fighting with them, not speaking to them was worth it. Because I would never stand to hear some shit tossed about people dear to me.

That's what happened. You can take that to heaven.

And yes. Nothing's changed how I see you. Nothing has, nothing will.

Basta ikaw.

PS:

and yes. I did like you. and it was at a time I was after somebody else. thus, the secret, and it was not serious anyway. so I never told anybody, save for a small handful of people.

I guess I picked the wrong people to trust. And since they knew that, they went off and told me so, hoping I'd not go through with it.

But know, I never regret trusting you.


--------

Kung ito ang iyong hiling
gaano man kasakit sa akin
ibibigay sa yo...

current music: Ain't No Sunshine - Bobby Blue Band

Sem Break is Starting To Suck

I am home alone tonight. My folks and siblings went to Tagaytay. I decided not to go. The beach is never fun when it's rainy like these days. And I wanted to hear mass today, Sunday, which is something I know I WON'T be able to do if I ride with them. Now, it's nighttime, and I'm still stuck with insomnia. Yeah. I can't get no sleep.

I have taken it upon myself to download all sorts of music c/o Limewire and BitTorrent. Trance music. House music. Chill-out. Disco. Reggae. 70's. 80's. 90's. Musicals. Opera. Instrumentals. Live performances. Movie soundtracks. With Nick Hornby's High Fidelity as a starter's guide, I'm slowly navigating the world of music I've never listened to, that nobody in the family listens to.

I don't think it's a very definitive, one-stop-shop type of collection. I like to treat it like a decent salad; a little bit of every little thing.

Apart from that, I'll be frank and honest, because it's only on this very blog I am able to be frank and honest:

I'M LEARNING TO HATE SEMBREAK.

Okay. It was fun the first week, being able to go skating with the block, or to bargain hunt in booksales here and there, to watch "Lord of War" with my family, or to sit back and read the new books. It was okay last week, where I had a lot on my hands preparing for A-Days, and for the weekend itself, where I was thoroughly busy.

But now? A week after with nothing to do? God.

I think there's this part of me that's hard-wired in my system that demands I be utilized. I always need to do something. Thing is, I've been unable to write anything decent other than the odd post here and there, and these old video games aren't cutting it. I've lost my appetite for TV a long time ago (apart from 'Mad About You' reruns), there are no new videos in the house to watch, there are too many books that aren't fun to read (like those Physics and Chem textbooks my folks hoarded for us when we were all in Pisay). The books that would have been fun, I don't have clearance to touch, because they belong to my sister.

I hate these extended, enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks that last for weeks on end. Sure, I relish the fact that I won't have to wake up very early in the morning to troop to school, drive for my siblings in the afternoon, and sleep late at night to wrap up work. I'm grateful that I don't have to face any of my profs, or have to mooch off groupmates or carry lazy groupmates mooching off me. I'm happy I don't need to be in a state of eternally playing catch-up because I'm lax in my readings, or that I have to stress myself over an oral exam coming in three days, back-to-back with another on a different subject within the next hour.

Still. I can't say I like enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks like these. It was bad enough I didn't get to go to the LnK lunch out. Now, it's terrible, how I sit here wasting away.

I'm jealous of people in Australia. For them, vacation times last for no greater than 2 weeks, but they take place at least three times in a term. Every two or three weeks of school, they'll get a "cool off" break, which lasts for a week or two. Then it's back to work. It's perfect! It's just enough time to have fun, but hardly too long for things to drag!

I mean, look at my life right now! I sleep at 3 AM, I get up at noon, I sit around in front of a PC for the afternoon, and do the sporadic jogging or basketball trip here and there. Meantime, at the back of my head, nag the following chores:

1.) Faci sign-ups for ACP
2.) My ADMU Law letters
3.) Jihan's play: casting, directing, rehearsing, setting up the set
4.) A31
5.) My last semester in Ateneo, which, heaven forbid, just might not be the last if things go to shit.
6.) My class sched.
7.) My own thesis, which looks disasterrific.
8.) My dream of submitting to this call for contribs which I nicked off Kael's blog.

All these things are stuck in my head. No amount of Civilization III or NBA Live can rub them out. Even time I've been spending with the Dayzers hasn't cleared my head; they only complicate matters because I have to consider how I'll fit time with them with the time I have to spend on those aforementioned events.

I want to stop being paranoid. I want to believe that everything will turn out okay. But I can't, because it demands faith that, unlike faith in God, has a real and painful possibility of letting me down.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to sit here doing nothing but play video games and stare at the ceiling while I worry. I don't want to have nothing to do. I don't want to feel useless.

I want to stop missing my friends. Already I can't bear the thought of being unable to see people. I still have books to return to people like Jeb. I still owe Patty a copy of Pirates!, after all this time. I already want to tell DenRocs of my newfound love for Faithless, and my slow delving into the world of electronic music, which she loves. I miss picking on the quirks of my friends. I miss the Pubroom. I miss the library and being able to borrow books to read for free. I miss reading good poetry. I miss Kaingin, my old crush there, my kids that I used to teach (although I DON'T miss some people there)..

I miss LnK. I miss my kids. I miss my co-tutors. I miss being able to daydream about perfect people we could look for, set each other up for dates for each other, and comparing notes along the way. I miss laughing with my kids about inside jokes only we knew over the course of a summer.

I miss Block E. I miss playing cards, fortune-telling, listening to them gossip while I silently scribble on notebooks. I miss reading for scripts, planning for gimmiks, and making Xander's job that much harder. I miss the feeling of belonging I get when I'm with them that I never got out of any org I've ever joined.

I miss my old blockmates. I miss Jemjem's brand of comedy. I miss Pao's steady, level-headed perspective on everything. I miss playing cards with those blokes. I miss the girls who I hardly ever got to speak to because they were always out with Gabay instead of the ASG. I miss the two "Marks", and their simple, charming way of conversation. I miss them, even though I've been celebrating ever since I left them.

I miss James and Fritz. I've not spent a day together with those two in over eight months! I miss our 'high council' gatherings, our 'o, kumusta na?' talks which are always, always full of new things to share. I miss talking to Fritz about the lates games and techie things and his life as an up-and-coming programmer, and I miss James updating me on being a future environmentalist, and how things are with his girlfriend. I miss being the 'glue person', the link between two different worlds. I miss the days when we could hatch plans of just getting away from it all, just the three of us.

I terribly, terribly miss lunch outs with with Jihan and Mela, never no mind if they may be responsible for my heart's unhealthy state, given the food we eat. I love those two dearly, and would do anything for them.

I miss Jihan. I miss jogging in Ateneo. I miss planning for her play, recounting stories she could use in plays. I miss her input on books and movies we both loved. I miss her sage wisdom in times of confusion. I miss how it was always so, so easy to talk to her, how my jokes always seem to work and how I know all my secrets are safe with her.

I miss Mela. I miss lending her books, buying her crap, driving her from place to place. I miss hanging out with my family with her as guest. I miss her opinions and observations, all rife with poems and stories. I miss how she'd always challenge me to raise the bar on my daily life, how she'd stress"anything worth doing should be done well". I miss following with her schemes.

Yes. I know all things pass. I just wish they'd happen sooner. I just wish I don't have to feel like this anymore: untapped and useless.

current music: Landslide - Smashing Pumpkins

Yes, I'm in a Smashing Pumpkins kind of phase. In a strange way, their sound is almost sort of the root of all emo. Hehehe. :p

This song, however, I love so much. And to think I only learned of it last Sunday.


Smashing Pumpkins - Landslide

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I'm getting older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

current music: In Demand - Texas

Nagkwentuhan kami ni Tish sa Days noong Sabado. Riot! Tila sa kanya ko talaga makukwento ang "plight of being thought of as gay" na mayroon siyang karanasan dun. hahaha!

We went about talking of love lives, how mine went through the usual cycles, and hers seemed to hit dead ends.

May isa siyang sinabi sakin siya.

"Raph, yung sa 'yo kasi, ikaw yung tipong lalaking sineseryoso."

Nataranta ako dun. Ano ibig sabihin nun?

"Kasi kunwari, pinatulan ko kita, mapapa-'off the market' na talaga ako! Kasi ganun kang klaseng guy: sineseryoso."

I felt utterly humbled and dumbstruck and flattered and touched. Tish, salamat.

current music: In Demand - Texas

Wahoo!

I'm back from staffing for A-Days.

More on it to follow.

For now, rest.