current music: Canto Alla Vita - Josh Groban

Yes, on the first week of 2K-nickel, it's begun to dawn to me.

I've lost the life I once led.

Once upon a time, I had things pretty nicely in place. I was a sophomore, member of Kaingin, Heights and AMS. I was a Math major who wasn't like any other Math major. I made lots of friends, and people would slap hands or wave when I passed by. When I'd introduce myself to total stangers in school, I'd be surprised when they'd say they had seen me before. I grew very skilled in schmoozing with the higher-ups of the school, and won praise for a lot of the things I did.

I credit this mostly to TnT. Apparently, people remembered me best there. And yes, I loved being part of Ateneo's "most amazing people". I loved the work there. In fact, it was the only kind of work I wanted to be doing the very first day I made it to Ateneo. I wanted to be a TnT, and I pursued the dream, and voila! I was one. I learned to chase a dream then, and I learned that they do come true.

Today, I'm a ghost. I avoid social situations. I don't like being seen by others. You will hardly find a smile on my face. I am no longer affiliated with any of the organizations I mentioned above. I left AMS because I no longer hung out at the ASG, and I've learned to despise how Kaingin's party politics ignored the work I've put into that org for two years.

And don't get me started with what happened in that God-dammed ivory tower called Heights. It was the only org of the three I really, REALLY wanted to keep, and fresh from a nomination to the Editorial Board, they fire me.

I love the Heights people to bits and they're some of my dearest friends, but I'm learning to avoid what they've become (or more accurately, what I fear I'm watching them become into: another more educated, sophisticated and snobbish version of Kaingin).

So yeah. It appears to me, while doing my translation writing exercises that the people of DWTL are the only "org" I work for. It appears that all this time throughout Junior year and all the changes and things I've lost, I've gained so much time to give to A-Days. I've staffed full-time for two batches, and I've headed a committee for the most recent one. If I'm not doing anything directly school related (which includes my directing class) or if I'm not doing something with the LnK'ers (like preparing Perry's birthday, or attending Carla's dinner bash), I'm spending time with the Dayzers. I'm working with them for a batch, or playing ball with them, or having lunch or whatever. Mostly, it's work, and I like it like that. I like having work to do, you see,

The rules say I can't tell you what I do, what we all do during these batches and what we give to others. That, you have to see for yourself. But that's another story.

This work ethic, combined with what I call "kamikaze work ethic" has not been kind to me. The stress has slowed me down greatly, and I've recently been hospitalized. Fresh out of the hospital, I still had work to do for the batch, and hence, my recovery had been very superficial. It took a whole Christmas break to get better, but then, there's work left unfinished.

I love the work, but I'm not feeling very good about what the work's left me: sick and pretty much alone.

I gave up things for A-Days. I gave up a lot of my free time, I gave up time studying to make meetings and practice for music. I sacrificed a shot to be a TnT a second year in a row so I could wrap up my work for a batch. Sure, I was still their friend, but I felt like I lost the right to be one of them. It sucked.

Now, I'm lost somewhat. While I love the Dayzers to bits, and that they're slowly becoming a family I don't have here at home, in school, I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm a shiftee; I don't have a block. My close friends all have lives of their own (LnK, former blockmates and even my bestest friends James and Fritz come to mind).

I don't usually think about belonging. I learned early in life that I was very different from everybody. I learned to live by myself. I'm like what my father says "truly one of males in the animal kingdom", as it's the males who live alone, and the females and children who live in packs. In essence, living alone isn't stange to me, and I take a strange pride in knowing that I work on my own terms. The problem is, everybody doesn't want to be alone forever.

I'm also very careful of who I trust. I've also come to realize that I live a life that very often forces me to make friends and then move on very suddenly, or that the friends I make have to move on too. I've got a handful of very loyal and loving friends, and I've got oodles and oodles of buddies I love to bits, but I find that I confide to only a very select few. I don't open up very easily (unless it's on printed media and I can control what others see). I don't make friends for keeps all that well, and the people I love often don't try or want look after me as much as I try or want to look after them.

Tomorrow, school starts. I'll most likely roam the corridors and encounter hundreds and hundreds of stangers. I'll see classmates again, who have their own little cliques that I've honestly no taste to be part of. I'll likely hit the library to get some stuff done for my classes that I did not get to all do over the break. I'll eat lunch on my own. I'll walk around the shops of Katips on my own. I'll run into some friends, talk to them, tell them stuff and have a blast, at least, until they have to go off and do things for themselves too. I'll do this from 7:30 AM when I get to school, and keep it up for 12 hours as I'll go home at 7:30 PM.

I don't know what I've got. I just know that when school starts tomorrow, if this keeps up I don't think I'll make it.

Lord, I beg you. Send me an angel or something. I hate being alone.