current music: Ain't No Sunshine - Bobby Blue Band

Sem Break is Starting To Suck

I am home alone tonight. My folks and siblings went to Tagaytay. I decided not to go. The beach is never fun when it's rainy like these days. And I wanted to hear mass today, Sunday, which is something I know I WON'T be able to do if I ride with them. Now, it's nighttime, and I'm still stuck with insomnia. Yeah. I can't get no sleep.

I have taken it upon myself to download all sorts of music c/o Limewire and BitTorrent. Trance music. House music. Chill-out. Disco. Reggae. 70's. 80's. 90's. Musicals. Opera. Instrumentals. Live performances. Movie soundtracks. With Nick Hornby's High Fidelity as a starter's guide, I'm slowly navigating the world of music I've never listened to, that nobody in the family listens to.

I don't think it's a very definitive, one-stop-shop type of collection. I like to treat it like a decent salad; a little bit of every little thing.

Apart from that, I'll be frank and honest, because it's only on this very blog I am able to be frank and honest:

I'M LEARNING TO HATE SEMBREAK.

Okay. It was fun the first week, being able to go skating with the block, or to bargain hunt in booksales here and there, to watch "Lord of War" with my family, or to sit back and read the new books. It was okay last week, where I had a lot on my hands preparing for A-Days, and for the weekend itself, where I was thoroughly busy.

But now? A week after with nothing to do? God.

I think there's this part of me that's hard-wired in my system that demands I be utilized. I always need to do something. Thing is, I've been unable to write anything decent other than the odd post here and there, and these old video games aren't cutting it. I've lost my appetite for TV a long time ago (apart from 'Mad About You' reruns), there are no new videos in the house to watch, there are too many books that aren't fun to read (like those Physics and Chem textbooks my folks hoarded for us when we were all in Pisay). The books that would have been fun, I don't have clearance to touch, because they belong to my sister.

I hate these extended, enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks that last for weeks on end. Sure, I relish the fact that I won't have to wake up very early in the morning to troop to school, drive for my siblings in the afternoon, and sleep late at night to wrap up work. I'm grateful that I don't have to face any of my profs, or have to mooch off groupmates or carry lazy groupmates mooching off me. I'm happy I don't need to be in a state of eternally playing catch-up because I'm lax in my readings, or that I have to stress myself over an oral exam coming in three days, back-to-back with another on a different subject within the next hour.

Still. I can't say I like enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks like these. It was bad enough I didn't get to go to the LnK lunch out. Now, it's terrible, how I sit here wasting away.

I'm jealous of people in Australia. For them, vacation times last for no greater than 2 weeks, but they take place at least three times in a term. Every two or three weeks of school, they'll get a "cool off" break, which lasts for a week or two. Then it's back to work. It's perfect! It's just enough time to have fun, but hardly too long for things to drag!

I mean, look at my life right now! I sleep at 3 AM, I get up at noon, I sit around in front of a PC for the afternoon, and do the sporadic jogging or basketball trip here and there. Meantime, at the back of my head, nag the following chores:

1.) Faci sign-ups for ACP
2.) My ADMU Law letters
3.) Jihan's play: casting, directing, rehearsing, setting up the set
4.) A31
5.) My last semester in Ateneo, which, heaven forbid, just might not be the last if things go to shit.
6.) My class sched.
7.) My own thesis, which looks disasterrific.
8.) My dream of submitting to this call for contribs which I nicked off Kael's blog.

All these things are stuck in my head. No amount of Civilization III or NBA Live can rub them out. Even time I've been spending with the Dayzers hasn't cleared my head; they only complicate matters because I have to consider how I'll fit time with them with the time I have to spend on those aforementioned events.

I want to stop being paranoid. I want to believe that everything will turn out okay. But I can't, because it demands faith that, unlike faith in God, has a real and painful possibility of letting me down.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to sit here doing nothing but play video games and stare at the ceiling while I worry. I don't want to have nothing to do. I don't want to feel useless.

I want to stop missing my friends. Already I can't bear the thought of being unable to see people. I still have books to return to people like Jeb. I still owe Patty a copy of Pirates!, after all this time. I already want to tell DenRocs of my newfound love for Faithless, and my slow delving into the world of electronic music, which she loves. I miss picking on the quirks of my friends. I miss the Pubroom. I miss the library and being able to borrow books to read for free. I miss reading good poetry. I miss Kaingin, my old crush there, my kids that I used to teach (although I DON'T miss some people there)..

I miss LnK. I miss my kids. I miss my co-tutors. I miss being able to daydream about perfect people we could look for, set each other up for dates for each other, and comparing notes along the way. I miss laughing with my kids about inside jokes only we knew over the course of a summer.

I miss Block E. I miss playing cards, fortune-telling, listening to them gossip while I silently scribble on notebooks. I miss reading for scripts, planning for gimmiks, and making Xander's job that much harder. I miss the feeling of belonging I get when I'm with them that I never got out of any org I've ever joined.

I miss my old blockmates. I miss Jemjem's brand of comedy. I miss Pao's steady, level-headed perspective on everything. I miss playing cards with those blokes. I miss the girls who I hardly ever got to speak to because they were always out with Gabay instead of the ASG. I miss the two "Marks", and their simple, charming way of conversation. I miss them, even though I've been celebrating ever since I left them.

I miss James and Fritz. I've not spent a day together with those two in over eight months! I miss our 'high council' gatherings, our 'o, kumusta na?' talks which are always, always full of new things to share. I miss talking to Fritz about the lates games and techie things and his life as an up-and-coming programmer, and I miss James updating me on being a future environmentalist, and how things are with his girlfriend. I miss being the 'glue person', the link between two different worlds. I miss the days when we could hatch plans of just getting away from it all, just the three of us.

I terribly, terribly miss lunch outs with with Jihan and Mela, never no mind if they may be responsible for my heart's unhealthy state, given the food we eat. I love those two dearly, and would do anything for them.

I miss Jihan. I miss jogging in Ateneo. I miss planning for her play, recounting stories she could use in plays. I miss her input on books and movies we both loved. I miss her sage wisdom in times of confusion. I miss how it was always so, so easy to talk to her, how my jokes always seem to work and how I know all my secrets are safe with her.

I miss Mela. I miss lending her books, buying her crap, driving her from place to place. I miss hanging out with my family with her as guest. I miss her opinions and observations, all rife with poems and stories. I miss how she'd always challenge me to raise the bar on my daily life, how she'd stress"anything worth doing should be done well". I miss following with her schemes.

Yes. I know all things pass. I just wish they'd happen sooner. I just wish I don't have to feel like this anymore: untapped and useless.

current music: Landslide - Smashing Pumpkins

Yes, I'm in a Smashing Pumpkins kind of phase. In a strange way, their sound is almost sort of the root of all emo. Hehehe. :p

This song, however, I love so much. And to think I only learned of it last Sunday.


Smashing Pumpkins - Landslide

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I'm getting older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

current music: In Demand - Texas

Nagkwentuhan kami ni Tish sa Days noong Sabado. Riot! Tila sa kanya ko talaga makukwento ang "plight of being thought of as gay" na mayroon siyang karanasan dun. hahaha!

We went about talking of love lives, how mine went through the usual cycles, and hers seemed to hit dead ends.

May isa siyang sinabi sakin siya.

"Raph, yung sa 'yo kasi, ikaw yung tipong lalaking sineseryoso."

Nataranta ako dun. Ano ibig sabihin nun?

"Kasi kunwari, pinatulan ko kita, mapapa-'off the market' na talaga ako! Kasi ganun kang klaseng guy: sineseryoso."

I felt utterly humbled and dumbstruck and flattered and touched. Tish, salamat.

current music: In Demand - Texas

Wahoo!

I'm back from staffing for A-Days.

More on it to follow.

For now, rest.

current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Try, Try, Try (alternative version)

Pop tart, what's the matter
Did you lose... what you're after?
For your tears I'm still singing
For your fears, I am ringing
From Houston on a downer buzz
Like you said, It's just because
You'll detonate your long lost kisses
Wished on the eve of forgotten blessings
So start your way for some new impression

That try to hold on
To this heart a little bit stronger
Try to hold on
with this love aloud
Try to hold on
For this heart has never been broken
Try to hold on
Try to hold on

Pop tart, did you flatter
When they spoke... of my disasters
At 13, I lost my compass
But I'm sure, it's all accomplished
As desires on my ghost trains
Like you said when it rains
It pours down the back of the bitter son
Desperate for love and loves everyone
In my mother's arms, no simple harm

Conspires to hold on
To this heart
A little bit closer
Try to hold on
To this love aloud
Try to hold on
And we know
If we go under
We just can't let go
No, no

Pop tart, will it matter?
If I lose and just shatter
Will you cry, and keep crying
Will I die, and keep dying
In Tokyo, the sad tragic blues
Like you said, it's how you use
'Cause someday we'll know if this even matters
Our rings and maze and simplicity
When can we laugh and take all the credit

And know we'll go free
With our hearts a little bit stronger
Try to hold on
For this love aloud
Try to hold
For this heart's a little bit frightened
Just try to hold on

Just try to hold on
Just try

I will remain with you, no matter what the fuck they say.

current music: The Tide - The Spill Canvas

You know how in Finding Neverland, Johnny Depp's character, J.M. Barrie was, at every turn, frustrated by people who didn't approve of the company he kept?

I understand completely.

I HATE it when people judge my friends. I HATE it when they say "Wag kang lalapit diyan! Be careful!"

I love you all for your concern, and how you worry about me.

But please. I'm not scared.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/heaven_spawn/164402.html

I realized one thing:

I don't give a fuck about what others say anymore. Bahala na ang pride.

This post is dedicated to you...

- For always making sure that I dress nice, eat healthy, stand with good posture, look clean, take my medicine, remember to tip waiters, refrain from cutting class and the like, and for worrying sometimes when I don't do so.

- For laughing at my jokes when nobody else seems to think them funny, and for giving them at least a smile when you don't really think them funny either.

- For trying to give me suggestions to make me look cooler to my siblings's eyes, a favor I still cannot find repayment for.

- For taking the pains to look good and smell nice when we do the lunch outs with our friends. (And mind you, I notice it even when I don't say anything.)

- For showing me the 'spectator sport' of people-watching.

- For your acts of thoughtfulness, like plastic wrapping a book I loaned you (in secret, no less).

- For being the pulse of our 'gimiks,' always with the funniest jokes, the wittiest wisecracks and the best ideas on what to do next.

- For the vial of your perfume, of which I love and use very very sparingly when I need a really sweet scent.

- For that afternoon in Megamall, at the drop of a hat, and the company for dinner after.

- For accompanying me to Makati, even when you weren't feeling so good.

- For shooting photos for my Theo group in Cubao, with your very cool camera.

- For trusting me with that camera, when you left it behind once, and I found it.

- For finding real, concrete answers to my problems, be they insomnia, or repairing book damage, or lack of funds when we eat out.

- For not being a total priss, and admitting to faults when applicable.

- For being so cute when I try to pay you compliments, or when you're "sabog".

- For always coming up with the most amazing ideas, insights and observations, which I find deep and profound.

- For being so nice to my family, especially when you don't have to. And for the concern you show for their well-being that hardly any other friend (not even some of my closest, oldest friends) seem to have for them.

- For joining us on our trip to Tagaytay, even if Jihan couldn't come along.

- For keeping my secrets.

- For trusting me with yours.

- For being so open with your thoughts that I treasure.

- For never saying "no" when I try to be nice to you out of the blue.

- For never taking advantage of my chivalry. Not once.

- For liking my cooking.

- For broadening my horizons with new music, new books, new movies to watch, and for being a sounding board about what you think about them.

- For trusting me with books, and stupendous books at that.

- For teaching me a thing or two about caring for my dogs, and enlivening a newfound love for them.

- For brightening up everyday, just with your 'infectuous spontaneity'.

- For being so patient with me, being a guy and all, and for thinking me as different from the many men out there.

- For being you, and for all the times I've spent with you.

Thank you for everything.

And I miss you dearly. These days aren't the same, I say.