current music: Ain't No Sunshine - Bobby Blue Band

Sem Break is Starting To Suck

I am home alone tonight. My folks and siblings went to Tagaytay. I decided not to go. The beach is never fun when it's rainy like these days. And I wanted to hear mass today, Sunday, which is something I know I WON'T be able to do if I ride with them. Now, it's nighttime, and I'm still stuck with insomnia. Yeah. I can't get no sleep.

I have taken it upon myself to download all sorts of music c/o Limewire and BitTorrent. Trance music. House music. Chill-out. Disco. Reggae. 70's. 80's. 90's. Musicals. Opera. Instrumentals. Live performances. Movie soundtracks. With Nick Hornby's High Fidelity as a starter's guide, I'm slowly navigating the world of music I've never listened to, that nobody in the family listens to.

I don't think it's a very definitive, one-stop-shop type of collection. I like to treat it like a decent salad; a little bit of every little thing.

Apart from that, I'll be frank and honest, because it's only on this very blog I am able to be frank and honest:

I'M LEARNING TO HATE SEMBREAK.

Okay. It was fun the first week, being able to go skating with the block, or to bargain hunt in booksales here and there, to watch "Lord of War" with my family, or to sit back and read the new books. It was okay last week, where I had a lot on my hands preparing for A-Days, and for the weekend itself, where I was thoroughly busy.

But now? A week after with nothing to do? God.

I think there's this part of me that's hard-wired in my system that demands I be utilized. I always need to do something. Thing is, I've been unable to write anything decent other than the odd post here and there, and these old video games aren't cutting it. I've lost my appetite for TV a long time ago (apart from 'Mad About You' reruns), there are no new videos in the house to watch, there are too many books that aren't fun to read (like those Physics and Chem textbooks my folks hoarded for us when we were all in Pisay). The books that would have been fun, I don't have clearance to touch, because they belong to my sister.

I hate these extended, enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks that last for weeks on end. Sure, I relish the fact that I won't have to wake up very early in the morning to troop to school, drive for my siblings in the afternoon, and sleep late at night to wrap up work. I'm grateful that I don't have to face any of my profs, or have to mooch off groupmates or carry lazy groupmates mooching off me. I'm happy I don't need to be in a state of eternally playing catch-up because I'm lax in my readings, or that I have to stress myself over an oral exam coming in three days, back-to-back with another on a different subject within the next hour.

Still. I can't say I like enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks like these. It was bad enough I didn't get to go to the LnK lunch out. Now, it's terrible, how I sit here wasting away.

I'm jealous of people in Australia. For them, vacation times last for no greater than 2 weeks, but they take place at least three times in a term. Every two or three weeks of school, they'll get a "cool off" break, which lasts for a week or two. Then it's back to work. It's perfect! It's just enough time to have fun, but hardly too long for things to drag!

I mean, look at my life right now! I sleep at 3 AM, I get up at noon, I sit around in front of a PC for the afternoon, and do the sporadic jogging or basketball trip here and there. Meantime, at the back of my head, nag the following chores:

1.) Faci sign-ups for ACP
2.) My ADMU Law letters
3.) Jihan's play: casting, directing, rehearsing, setting up the set
4.) A31
5.) My last semester in Ateneo, which, heaven forbid, just might not be the last if things go to shit.
6.) My class sched.
7.) My own thesis, which looks disasterrific.
8.) My dream of submitting to this call for contribs which I nicked off Kael's blog.

All these things are stuck in my head. No amount of Civilization III or NBA Live can rub them out. Even time I've been spending with the Dayzers hasn't cleared my head; they only complicate matters because I have to consider how I'll fit time with them with the time I have to spend on those aforementioned events.

I want to stop being paranoid. I want to believe that everything will turn out okay. But I can't, because it demands faith that, unlike faith in God, has a real and painful possibility of letting me down.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to sit here doing nothing but play video games and stare at the ceiling while I worry. I don't want to have nothing to do. I don't want to feel useless.

I want to stop missing my friends. Already I can't bear the thought of being unable to see people. I still have books to return to people like Jeb. I still owe Patty a copy of Pirates!, after all this time. I already want to tell DenRocs of my newfound love for Faithless, and my slow delving into the world of electronic music, which she loves. I miss picking on the quirks of my friends. I miss the Pubroom. I miss the library and being able to borrow books to read for free. I miss reading good poetry. I miss Kaingin, my old crush there, my kids that I used to teach (although I DON'T miss some people there)..

I miss LnK. I miss my kids. I miss my co-tutors. I miss being able to daydream about perfect people we could look for, set each other up for dates for each other, and comparing notes along the way. I miss laughing with my kids about inside jokes only we knew over the course of a summer.

I miss Block E. I miss playing cards, fortune-telling, listening to them gossip while I silently scribble on notebooks. I miss reading for scripts, planning for gimmiks, and making Xander's job that much harder. I miss the feeling of belonging I get when I'm with them that I never got out of any org I've ever joined.

I miss my old blockmates. I miss Jemjem's brand of comedy. I miss Pao's steady, level-headed perspective on everything. I miss playing cards with those blokes. I miss the girls who I hardly ever got to speak to because they were always out with Gabay instead of the ASG. I miss the two "Marks", and their simple, charming way of conversation. I miss them, even though I've been celebrating ever since I left them.

I miss James and Fritz. I've not spent a day together with those two in over eight months! I miss our 'high council' gatherings, our 'o, kumusta na?' talks which are always, always full of new things to share. I miss talking to Fritz about the lates games and techie things and his life as an up-and-coming programmer, and I miss James updating me on being a future environmentalist, and how things are with his girlfriend. I miss being the 'glue person', the link between two different worlds. I miss the days when we could hatch plans of just getting away from it all, just the three of us.

I terribly, terribly miss lunch outs with with Jihan and Mela, never no mind if they may be responsible for my heart's unhealthy state, given the food we eat. I love those two dearly, and would do anything for them.

I miss Jihan. I miss jogging in Ateneo. I miss planning for her play, recounting stories she could use in plays. I miss her input on books and movies we both loved. I miss her sage wisdom in times of confusion. I miss how it was always so, so easy to talk to her, how my jokes always seem to work and how I know all my secrets are safe with her.

I miss Mela. I miss lending her books, buying her crap, driving her from place to place. I miss hanging out with my family with her as guest. I miss her opinions and observations, all rife with poems and stories. I miss how she'd always challenge me to raise the bar on my daily life, how she'd stress"anything worth doing should be done well". I miss following with her schemes.

Yes. I know all things pass. I just wish they'd happen sooner. I just wish I don't have to feel like this anymore: untapped and useless.