Slow Dash

This time in 24 hours I ought to be in the beach. I am excited. I'm also stressed about the logistics - transportation, packing clothes, food, drink, etc.

But yeah. I am hopeful that it's the first of a series of decent days. I'll be with old friends, and maybe make a few new ones. I don't think I'll transform things magically, no matter what my astrologers say. I'll likely see the world slowly twist in ways that work in their own fashion, and never in how I want it (because it hardly ever is the way we want it exactly).

I am slowly trying to piece my life together again. Granted, my grad studies still feels like it's stuck in a swampy mire. That part is slow and progress really feels like marching in mud.

But I found a nice enough job that lets me do it with my studies. I have been steadily working on my fitness. I am working on becoming the best version of myself, and hopefully be somebody that I can be proud of (or at least, be prouder of).

Is that enough? Is that how life is supposed to be lived? I don't know. I look at my elders and know that they made something of themselves, and carved opportunities where there were few. Today, there are many opportunities, but not many are new - not many will land you a life that is relatively comfortable.

Or maybe I should shut up from comparing and blogging about it and just hang tight. I'm already dying to get to the finish line. I forget I still have to do the running.

Awful 2015

My weekends are not restful. My sleep is troubled and waking up hurts.

I'm starting with a new part-time job, and yet I can't ease into it. Every day new things are piling up and I can't zero in on anything. I feel lost and discombobulated too often.

My family mill about the house and ask me to do things, hardly really listening when I try to tell them how I'm doing, or what confuses me. All they do is tell me what to do. They don't see it from how I see it.

I'm surrounded by friends but feel more lonely now than ever before. They don't connect to me in a deep, personal way. They distract and they entertain, but they leave me at the end of the day.

I can't even consider finding a lover. I feel more ready than ever, but I feel there might not be a lot left in me to give. I think I find somebody who can brighten my days, but I can't say they really care. They only really care about what I can give them, but never really return it to me.

Praying doesn't console me anymore. I'm hungry for reasons to wake up early, to get going, to do the things that will improve my life.I would much rather retreat away and hide from the world. Instead, I am persistently pressured to be better, to eat healthier, to find time to exercise, and to live the long life everyone wants for me.

But why live longer when you already feel like wanting to die?

So this is how the 2015 is panning out. I thought it would be a lucky year. I thought wrong.

Wise Words

"Don't you want somebody who chooses you, and puts you first? Because I wouldn't want to be somebody's consolation prize."

Crack Goes My Heart.

It's not like i didn't know. It's not like I didn't see it coming. I'm not a total delusional idiot. 

I knew you don't see me that way. And I don't blame you for choosing not to spare my feelings. I k ow that this is what you felt and you don't pull punches when you tell the truth, even with others. I'm not mad.

I'm hurting and mad, okay. Sure.

But I guess I'm more mad at myself.

I should have walked away when I had the chance, when I still felt free. (I don't anymore; I feel so attached.) I should have held back when it was easy. (I can't anymore; I feel trapped in bad habits of taking care of somebody, anybody, even if it's not you.)

Most of all I'm angry at myself. Because I'm not good enough. Because I behave the way I do, and it's not what you want. Because I speak and write and act and live like I do, and that's not good enough.

I'm upset at myself because "being myself" was what went wrong. Because I never knew you were not happy with how I did things. Because I failed to recognize my shortfalls.

I'm upset at myself because I am so concerned and worried about what you think, that I lost track of what I need. Because I was trying to suit your needs, I lost sight of mine. Because I gave all I had, and I forgot that I shouldn't care so much about what people think, and try as i may, I still give too much of a damn about your thoughts, opinions, wants, needs, of me. It crippled me and held me back from expressing this deep passionate affection that swallows me whole everyday.

Because I went ahead and had feelings for you. And my life, while so much better with you, isn't real. 

It's just a dream. It's just borrowed time. It's just a passing phase. 

I'm still working on becoming the best version of me possible. Day after day, I make the slow changes for improving myself in ways that last. 

I know when the dust settles I'll be great. I'll be amazing. And I'll be proud of myself.

But I'm worried I'll be without you. That you'll be with someone else and I'll be alone. And after what I heard, this weekend, I feel it's more of a certainty, than mere worrying.