Awful 2015

My weekends are not restful. My sleep is troubled and waking up hurts.

I'm starting with a new part-time job, and yet I can't ease into it. Every day new things are piling up and I can't zero in on anything. I feel lost and discombobulated too often.

My family mill about the house and ask me to do things, hardly really listening when I try to tell them how I'm doing, or what confuses me. All they do is tell me what to do. They don't see it from how I see it.

I'm surrounded by friends but feel more lonely now than ever before. They don't connect to me in a deep, personal way. They distract and they entertain, but they leave me at the end of the day.

I can't even consider finding a lover. I feel more ready than ever, but I feel there might not be a lot left in me to give. I think I find somebody who can brighten my days, but I can't say they really care. They only really care about what I can give them, but never really return it to me.

Praying doesn't console me anymore. I'm hungry for reasons to wake up early, to get going, to do the things that will improve my life.I would much rather retreat away and hide from the world. Instead, I am persistently pressured to be better, to eat healthier, to find time to exercise, and to live the long life everyone wants for me.

But why live longer when you already feel like wanting to die?

So this is how the 2015 is panning out. I thought it would be a lucky year. I thought wrong.