current music: Waiting in Vain - Annie Lennox (yeah. some songs never get old.)
Apparently, my Mozilla Firefox browser has been afflicted with some kind of adware software. I hate it. I thought I got away from all those spammers when I switched to Firefox from IE. Fucking shit, I hate having to lose about half of what I type on a webpage because it auto-switches the browser on me!
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Meantime, LARAWAN, our fine arts festival is almost over. Unfortunately, my individual project has NOT been accomplished. I'm in deep shit. Unless I come up with a miracle somewhere today.
I'm tired. I've been acting for Jomike's play, "Lilia's Nest", and I've also been directing another play, "Kung Paano Maglakbay sa Penny Lane". Real quality stuff, I wish more people could see it. Because whenever we stage and there are few people, the energy just seems to droop in horrid fashion. Urgh.
Then again, it's because I help out these two productions that I don't have an Indiv Project. Shit.
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I also have finally written a love poem. Yeah. I just submitted it to Sir DM Reyes today. And I hope he'll have it workshopped somewhere along the way. Because it's quickly becoming my best work EVER. At least, so my peers think. Funny though; I can never write a love poem with a happy ending.
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I realized something.
You know that thing they say about stars? How, when you make a wish on the very first one you see in the sky, you make a wish? Yeah, the Pinocchio story kind of thing. The "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, grant the wish I make tonight" kind of thing?
I discovered that when I make those wishes, they come true... even if it's not exactly in the way I wanted them to be.
1.) I was in Kaingin and wished Aila would stay on. Alangan kasi siya noon. And I had a crush on her, so I hoped she'd stick around so I could stil lsee her. So I made the wish. Guess what? Years later, she's the president. Me? I ended up quitting mid-way through second year due to academic constraints.
2.) A year ago, Criselda was in terrible form; she had an awful spat with her boyfriend (who, in general view, was a jerk to her). As much as I liked her and wanted to have been her guy someday, I made a wish on a star that whatever happens, she'll be happy. And she is. And they're back together, by the way. And I'm still single. Haha.
3.) In sophomore year, I wished I could be published in Heights, kahit isang tula lang. Fast-forward to senior year, and "Dissection" made it to the pages of Vol. LIII, Issue #1.
4.) I made a wish that a certain girl whom I met in OrSem back in 2nd year would never trouble me again. And yeah. She doesn't trouble me. Because I don't talk to that bitch anymore. Heck, I imagined she'd become quite the campus crush, but I don't really hear much about how she's doing. Oh well. Sayang ka, Joan. Good riddance to you.
5.) I made a wish a year ago that the merry-go-round squabble that I had to sit in between Patch, Tish and Timo would stop, and that they'd all be friends, and they'd all get along well. And I'm happy to say that each of the three are very happily invovled with other guys and girl apiece. And they're friends. Well, not REALLY close friends, but they're okay. I'm glad.
6.) It seemed unlikely, but I made a wish I'd get over Absky. And that she'd also be fine, wherever life woud tak her. And it took a while, but yeah. I heard she's happily un-single again, and she's doing well with her stuff in YFC and in school. And yeah. Life took her far, far away from me. And I feel it: she's gone from that place she used to sit in my thoughts and feelings.
7.) I made a wish after my OrSem that I could be a TnT. That wish came true one year later. And what a ride it was!
8.) I made a wish that I could be close to my family again. Yeah. :)
9.) I made a wish that I could be there for Den, particularly in those really tough stretches of weeks whenever her husband would be cranky, or violent, or sick or whatever the hell would go wrong. Oddly enough, she's managed fine without me, but she always says I do give her that emotional support. And for that, I'm glad.
10.) I made a wish on a star for dear friend Britney, este, Julian. He was one of my friends who had been... er, I dunno. Wasn't too well-recieved by the people he looked up to. So I wished he'd find himself a better niche somehow. And now, he's no longer in Ateneo, but he's happy. And he's in good company. And for that, I felt very happy.
11.) I remember after graduating from high school, one scene was when a friend of mine, Ailyn, was crying because she felt she lost a chance to grow closer to this best friend of hers whom she loved so, so much. And I told her it would all be okay. And I made a wish that I would be right, somehow. Now, she's four years wiser and one boyfriend happier (even if it's somebody else now, hehehe).
12.) I made a wish for my friends James, Lopao, Emong and Tasyo, friends of mine I tagged mentally as "Pisay's most eligible" and that they'd be "off the market" so I could move around! Because it was so hard getting around with them still single! They're all now happily settled too. Of course, it didn't really help my own social life, but who cares. Si Julius at si Fritz na lang yung kulang. Hehehe.
13.) I made a wish for Leslie. Because she was my first inspiration. And I really liked her. And she didn't like me back. Haha. She drove me to start writing, and while I acknowledge that it was because of her that I am now in the path I'm walking to this day, I wished then that I wouldn't regret this choice I've made on account of somebody else. Well, I'm almost a Creative Writing grad, and I hard-pressed to pick any other place I'd rather be, really.
14.) When I gave Leslie roses on her birthday, the only wish I made was that she'd like them. She liked the flowers. Even if she never did like me. Hehehehe.
15.) I had a dream about me meeting a really beautiful girl. I didn't know who she was, and when I woke up, I didn't know why I had that dream. I never believed I'd ever meet her. But I did. And I'm glad. And we're great friends.
I dunno. I dunno. Each of the times, I never really made a serious effort to try and make them real for myself. Heck, even the TnT thing didn't feel TOO hard; it came naturally somehow (even if in real life I'm very quiet, a trait unbecoming of a TnT). That is, except for getting published in Heights, but that one wasn't too much effort either: I sent in the poem and said to myself "Whatever! If this doesn't work I'm giving up this poetry shit, dammit! Wala namang may gusto ng sinusulat ko!" And voila!
I also notice that my wishes hardly revolve 100% on myself; that they all do good for somebody else other than me, and they're the ones most likely to be granted.
I can't recall all the wishes I made; some of them I made because I deep-down wanted something ELSE. Like how I hoped Crisel would be with me. But I said "I wish she would be happy." And it worked like that. Odds are, I've made a wish for you, dear readers, but I don't remember it, when it was made, and what terms.
Funny how, these choices I make, which are based on other people, all seemed to pan out, even if I myself don't quite get much back. But that was never the point.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Monday, January 09, 2006
current music: Lots of Disco Music from the 70's, because it's my brand-new picker-upper.
Sexual favors are not part of my vocabulary. Even if, in some respects and in many situations over the past weeks, they should be. hahahaha. Joke. Half-meant. Hmm. quiet ka na lang raph.
I've been listening to a lot of disco music, if only so I can fulfill my favor for Kimie to cook her a CD mixtape of 70's disco. I love the CD I made, I'm thinking of making one for myself .Hehehe. Or if not, I'll keep the playlist stashed away so I can use it whenever forever. I dunno, listening to "Heaven Must be Missing an Angel" (Tavares), or "Last Night a DJ Saved My Life" (In Deep) or "Staying Alive" (Bee Gees) or "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers) all just keeps me smiling. And it worked! I played the CD in the Everest on the way to school, and I was practically jumping up and down with so much positive energy!
Then the day happened. And I discovered I blew a lot (well, not a LOT) of my birthday money on books that weren't needed. :p And that Jomike's play has OFFICALLY begun to unnerve me. But fine, at least I'm not TOO ngarag to the point that I can't get myself smilng again. hehehe.
Ooh, speaking of disco, I had the most fun rehearsal for Penny Lane today! We decided to add a short "dance-off" in heaven, just so I know Chimoms will like it (because she likes dance-showdowns in movies) and just so we could get an excuse to choreograph a segment with the music "Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel". I'll have to squeeze that in to the block, but who cares, it'll be fun!
We were messing around in front of the dance studio mirror, and we discovered that Patch knew all the steps to the dance Cameron Diaz does in "Charlie's Angels"! Riot! Kulang na lang naka-panty lang si gaga, just like the movie. Up and down and all around the exhibit hall we were messing around with the music, that I think all the other people rehearsing then got distracted, and got jealous of us having so much fun! Minutes later, Jason and Cerz joined in on the fun, and we all tripped to it.
Then! I decided to rush down to the pubroom, and I re-claimed the CD I made for Kimie, and played it! And suddenly, the old VST & Co. song "Sumayaw Sumunod" became the theme for the practice! Kakatuwa! Patch was leading the choreo, and I was jumping up and down with glee watching Jason and Cerz do it. I told Ada to NOT follow the steps properly (because her character shouldn't), but she still did well, and I couldn't blame her. Ako lang yung sablay; I take forever to learn steps in a dance, even if I love dancing myself.
Ayan. 70's disco music is my new "pikcr-upper". I shall treat it with love.
As for "disco" in another sense, well... yeah. I needed one. And I'll need one again. And again. Because I'm feeling unusally overwhelmed by the monsters that have been rising and long kept showed away. Like Non-fic homework, like Philo readings and Theo readings, and my own goddamned thesis, let alone the other personal priorities I make for myself and for others.
Wala lang. 60% of what I do, I don't NEED to do, but I can't sleep if I didn't do them for somebody else. It's like how, in LnK, when we use up our summer vacations to tutor kids so these kids can get scholarships. We do it simply because they need us. At un lang yun.
But here? I don't FEEL needed. Even if you can argue about it that in a real way, I AM needed a whole lot.
Teka. Tapos na "Sumayaw Sumunod". Eto naman. "Disco Inferno" by the Trammps. Hehehehe.
I can hear my kid brother on the phone. He's talking about the time the family went to Tagaytay, and how he went swimming in Punta Fuego. Malamig daw, kasi New Year's noon. And I miss swimming, deep down. Although, I don't miss it THAT much. Because, well, I'm not comfy with the social stigma of swimming and being as overweight as I am. Even if swimming and exercise is exactly what I'd need.
And I don't get enough exercise anymore! If I didn't do the Jomike play, I probably would. Heck, I'm half-wisihing something, ANYTHING goes wrong with the play, so I get an excuse to beg myself off of doing it for him. But then again, I don't want to QUIT. Because I don't quit, and when I do, I know it's when it can't be done. And I don't want to leave Jomike helpless; he's already embattled enough as it is. And I can imagine what I'd feel if people were helping me on my own project, and walked out. Like, if the guy who playes Hitler quit on me and Jihan. I'd cry. Or worse.
Song's over. "The Hustle" naman, by Van McCoy and the Soul City Company! Sweeet! :D
I'm feeling a whole lot less down after the exhausting day I've had. Ah. I just need dinner now. And I'll probably get it, because they're calling me to the dining room. Ciao everyone.
Sexual favors are not part of my vocabulary. Even if, in some respects and in many situations over the past weeks, they should be. hahahaha. Joke. Half-meant. Hmm. quiet ka na lang raph.
I've been listening to a lot of disco music, if only so I can fulfill my favor for Kimie to cook her a CD mixtape of 70's disco. I love the CD I made, I'm thinking of making one for myself .Hehehe. Or if not, I'll keep the playlist stashed away so I can use it whenever forever. I dunno, listening to "Heaven Must be Missing an Angel" (Tavares), or "Last Night a DJ Saved My Life" (In Deep) or "Staying Alive" (Bee Gees) or "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers) all just keeps me smiling. And it worked! I played the CD in the Everest on the way to school, and I was practically jumping up and down with so much positive energy!
Then the day happened. And I discovered I blew a lot (well, not a LOT) of my birthday money on books that weren't needed. :p And that Jomike's play has OFFICALLY begun to unnerve me. But fine, at least I'm not TOO ngarag to the point that I can't get myself smilng again. hehehe.
Ooh, speaking of disco, I had the most fun rehearsal for Penny Lane today! We decided to add a short "dance-off" in heaven, just so I know Chimoms will like it (because she likes dance-showdowns in movies) and just so we could get an excuse to choreograph a segment with the music "Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel". I'll have to squeeze that in to the block, but who cares, it'll be fun!
We were messing around in front of the dance studio mirror, and we discovered that Patch knew all the steps to the dance Cameron Diaz does in "Charlie's Angels"! Riot! Kulang na lang naka-panty lang si gaga, just like the movie. Up and down and all around the exhibit hall we were messing around with the music, that I think all the other people rehearsing then got distracted, and got jealous of us having so much fun! Minutes later, Jason and Cerz joined in on the fun, and we all tripped to it.
Then! I decided to rush down to the pubroom, and I re-claimed the CD I made for Kimie, and played it! And suddenly, the old VST & Co. song "Sumayaw Sumunod" became the theme for the practice! Kakatuwa! Patch was leading the choreo, and I was jumping up and down with glee watching Jason and Cerz do it. I told Ada to NOT follow the steps properly (because her character shouldn't), but she still did well, and I couldn't blame her. Ako lang yung sablay; I take forever to learn steps in a dance, even if I love dancing myself.
Ayan. 70's disco music is my new "pikcr-upper". I shall treat it with love.
As for "disco" in another sense, well... yeah. I needed one. And I'll need one again. And again. Because I'm feeling unusally overwhelmed by the monsters that have been rising and long kept showed away. Like Non-fic homework, like Philo readings and Theo readings, and my own goddamned thesis, let alone the other personal priorities I make for myself and for others.
Wala lang. 60% of what I do, I don't NEED to do, but I can't sleep if I didn't do them for somebody else. It's like how, in LnK, when we use up our summer vacations to tutor kids so these kids can get scholarships. We do it simply because they need us. At un lang yun.
But here? I don't FEEL needed. Even if you can argue about it that in a real way, I AM needed a whole lot.
Teka. Tapos na "Sumayaw Sumunod". Eto naman. "Disco Inferno" by the Trammps. Hehehehe.
I can hear my kid brother on the phone. He's talking about the time the family went to Tagaytay, and how he went swimming in Punta Fuego. Malamig daw, kasi New Year's noon. And I miss swimming, deep down. Although, I don't miss it THAT much. Because, well, I'm not comfy with the social stigma of swimming and being as overweight as I am. Even if swimming and exercise is exactly what I'd need.
And I don't get enough exercise anymore! If I didn't do the Jomike play, I probably would. Heck, I'm half-wisihing something, ANYTHING goes wrong with the play, so I get an excuse to beg myself off of doing it for him. But then again, I don't want to QUIT. Because I don't quit, and when I do, I know it's when it can't be done. And I don't want to leave Jomike helpless; he's already embattled enough as it is. And I can imagine what I'd feel if people were helping me on my own project, and walked out. Like, if the guy who playes Hitler quit on me and Jihan. I'd cry. Or worse.
Song's over. "The Hustle" naman, by Van McCoy and the Soul City Company! Sweeet! :D
I'm feeling a whole lot less down after the exhausting day I've had. Ah. I just need dinner now. And I'll probably get it, because they're calling me to the dining room. Ciao everyone.
current music: Lots of Disco Music from the 70's, because it's my brand-new picker-upper.
Sexual favors are not part of my vocabulary. Even if, in some respects and in many situations over the past weeks, they should be. hahahaha. Joke. Half-meant. Hmm. quiet ka na lang raph.
I've been listening to a lot of disco music, if only so I can fulfill my favor for Kimie to cook her a CD mixtape of 70's disco. I love the CD I made, I'm thinking of making one for myself .Hehehe. Or if not, I'll keep the playlist stashed away so I can use it whenever forever. I dunno, listening to "Heaven Must be Missing an Angel" (Tavares), or "Last Night a DJ Saved My Life" (In Deep) or "Staying Alive" (Bee Gees) or "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers) all just keeps me smiling. And it worked! I played the CD in the Everest on the way to school, and I was practically jumping up and down with so much positive energy!
Then the day happened. And I discovered I blew a lot (well, not a LOT) of my birthday money on books that weren't needed. :p And that Jomike's play has OFFICALLY begun to unnerve me. But fine, at least I'm not TOO ngarag to the point that I can't get myself smilng again. hehehe.
Ooh, speaking of disco, I had the most fun rehearsal for Penny Lane today! We decided to add a short "dance-off" in heaven, just so I know Chimoms will like it (because she likes dance-showdowns in movies) and just so we could get an excuse to choreograph a segment with the music "Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel". I'll have to squeeze that in to the block, but who cares, it'll be fun!
We were messing around in front of the dance studio mirror, and we discovered that Patch knew all the steps to the dance Cameron Diaz does in "Charlie's Angels"! Riot! Kulang na lang naka-panty lang si gaga, just like the movie. Up and down and all around the exhibit hall we were messing around with the music, that I think all the other people rehearsing then got distracted, and got jealous of us having so much fun! Minutes later, Jason and Cerz joined in on the fun, and we all tripped to it.
Then! I decided to rush down to the pubroom, and I re-claimed the CD I made for Kimie, and played it! And suddenly, the old VST & Co. song "Sumayaw Sumunod" became the theme for the practice! Kakatuwa! Patch was leading the choreo, and I was jumping up and down with glee watching Jason and Cerz do it. I told Ada to NOT follow the steps properly (because her character shouldn't), but she still did well, and I couldn't blame her. Ako lang yung sablay; I take forever to learn steps in a dance, even if I love dancing myself.
Ayan. 70's disco music is my new "pikcr-upper". I shall treat it with love.
As for "disco" in another sense, well... yeah. I needed one. And I'll need one again. And again. Because I'm feeling unusally overwhelmed by the monsters that have been rising and long kept showed away. Like Non-fic homework, like Philo readings and Theo readings, and my own goddamned thesis, let alone the other personal priorities I make for myself and for others.
Wala lang. 60% of what I do, I don't NEED to do, but I can't sleep if I didn't do them for somebody else. It's like how, in LnK, when we use up our summer vacations to tutor kids so these kids can get scholarships. We do it simply because they need us. At un lang yun.
But here? I don't FEEL needed. Even if you can argue about it that in a real way, I AM needed a whole lot.
Teka. Tapos na "Sumayaw Sumunod". Eto naman. "Disco Inferno" by the Trammps. Hehehehe.
I can hear my kid brother on the phone. He's talking about the time the family went to Tagaytay, and how he went swimming in Punta Fuego. Malamig daw, kasi New Year's noon. And I miss swimming, deep down. Although, I don't miss it THAT much. Because, well, I'm not comfy with the social stigma of swimming and being as overweight as I am. Even if swimming and exercise is exactly what I'd need.
And I don't get enough exercise anymore! If I didn't do the Jomike play, I probably would. Heck, I'm half-wisihing something, ANYTHING goes wrong with the play, so I get an excuse to beg myself off of doing it for him. But then again, I don't want to QUIT. Because I don't quit, and when I do, I know it's when it can't be done. And I don't want to leave Jomike helpless; he's already embattled enough as it is. And I can imagine what I'd feel if people were helping me on my own project, and walked out. Like, if the guy who playes Hitler quit on me and Jihan. I'd cry. Or worse.
Song's over. "The Hustle" naman, by Van McCoy and the Soul City Company! Sweeet! :D
I'm feeling a whole lot less down after the exhausting day I've had. Ah. I just need dinner now. And I'll probably get it, because they're calling me to the dining room. Ciao everyone.
Sexual favors are not part of my vocabulary. Even if, in some respects and in many situations over the past weeks, they should be. hahahaha. Joke. Half-meant. Hmm. quiet ka na lang raph.
I've been listening to a lot of disco music, if only so I can fulfill my favor for Kimie to cook her a CD mixtape of 70's disco. I love the CD I made, I'm thinking of making one for myself .Hehehe. Or if not, I'll keep the playlist stashed away so I can use it whenever forever. I dunno, listening to "Heaven Must be Missing an Angel" (Tavares), or "Last Night a DJ Saved My Life" (In Deep) or "Staying Alive" (Bee Gees) or "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers) all just keeps me smiling. And it worked! I played the CD in the Everest on the way to school, and I was practically jumping up and down with so much positive energy!
Then the day happened. And I discovered I blew a lot (well, not a LOT) of my birthday money on books that weren't needed. :p And that Jomike's play has OFFICALLY begun to unnerve me. But fine, at least I'm not TOO ngarag to the point that I can't get myself smilng again. hehehe.
Ooh, speaking of disco, I had the most fun rehearsal for Penny Lane today! We decided to add a short "dance-off" in heaven, just so I know Chimoms will like it (because she likes dance-showdowns in movies) and just so we could get an excuse to choreograph a segment with the music "Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel". I'll have to squeeze that in to the block, but who cares, it'll be fun!
We were messing around in front of the dance studio mirror, and we discovered that Patch knew all the steps to the dance Cameron Diaz does in "Charlie's Angels"! Riot! Kulang na lang naka-panty lang si gaga, just like the movie. Up and down and all around the exhibit hall we were messing around with the music, that I think all the other people rehearsing then got distracted, and got jealous of us having so much fun! Minutes later, Jason and Cerz joined in on the fun, and we all tripped to it.
Then! I decided to rush down to the pubroom, and I re-claimed the CD I made for Kimie, and played it! And suddenly, the old VST & Co. song "Sumayaw Sumunod" became the theme for the practice! Kakatuwa! Patch was leading the choreo, and I was jumping up and down with glee watching Jason and Cerz do it. I told Ada to NOT follow the steps properly (because her character shouldn't), but she still did well, and I couldn't blame her. Ako lang yung sablay; I take forever to learn steps in a dance, even if I love dancing myself.
Ayan. 70's disco music is my new "pikcr-upper". I shall treat it with love.
As for "disco" in another sense, well... yeah. I needed one. And I'll need one again. And again. Because I'm feeling unusally overwhelmed by the monsters that have been rising and long kept showed away. Like Non-fic homework, like Philo readings and Theo readings, and my own goddamned thesis, let alone the other personal priorities I make for myself and for others.
Wala lang. 60% of what I do, I don't NEED to do, but I can't sleep if I didn't do them for somebody else. It's like how, in LnK, when we use up our summer vacations to tutor kids so these kids can get scholarships. We do it simply because they need us. At un lang yun.
But here? I don't FEEL needed. Even if you can argue about it that in a real way, I AM needed a whole lot.
Teka. Tapos na "Sumayaw Sumunod". Eto naman. "Disco Inferno" by the Trammps. Hehehehe.
I can hear my kid brother on the phone. He's talking about the time the family went to Tagaytay, and how he went swimming in Punta Fuego. Malamig daw, kasi New Year's noon. And I miss swimming, deep down. Although, I don't miss it THAT much. Because, well, I'm not comfy with the social stigma of swimming and being as overweight as I am. Even if swimming and exercise is exactly what I'd need.
And I don't get enough exercise anymore! If I didn't do the Jomike play, I probably would. Heck, I'm half-wisihing something, ANYTHING goes wrong with the play, so I get an excuse to beg myself off of doing it for him. But then again, I don't want to QUIT. Because I don't quit, and when I do, I know it's when it can't be done. And I don't want to leave Jomike helpless; he's already embattled enough as it is. And I can imagine what I'd feel if people were helping me on my own project, and walked out. Like, if the guy who playes Hitler quit on me and Jihan. I'd cry. Or worse.
Song's over. "The Hustle" naman, by Van McCoy and the Soul City Company! Sweeet! :D
I'm feeling a whole lot less down after the exhausting day I've had. Ah. I just need dinner now. And I'll probably get it, because they're calling me to the dining room. Ciao everyone.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
current music: God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
Of the many mysteries of the universe, the one thing I can't really fully accept is the idea that some things are "meant to be" or "not meant to be". I always believed it to be bullshit. How can we fully say that some things are 'fated' not to work out? Who are we to discern that God's playing with us and our lives?
Already it's a very Christian belief that we are free, that God doesn't tinker with our lives, that we get to do things because God lets us do things, and respects us to make our own mistakes. That, to me, is extremely reassuring. It tells me that as all-powerful He is, we're not his chess pieces. We're his friends. And you never force yourself on your friends.
So in my head, I don't really say that I believe some things are "fated" to be the way they are. I will not accept an explanation when people say "wala, it's not meant to be". Maybe the timing wasn't right, maybe something hit a snag somewhere, maybe we overlooked a slight detail. Those ideas, those rationalizations, I'll accept. It tells me that somehow, we're very limited in our powers.
Right now, I'm thinking like this because, well, I don't know how I can explain why I'm unusually unlucky, in many mournfully personal aspects that I can't figure out reasons for. I've a history of not having explanations, and not really being able to articulate explanations for myself.
I can't explain why I'm dying to be with you, when I don't believe in destiny, but I feel utterly destined for you.
Of the many mysteries of the universe, the one thing I can't really fully accept is the idea that some things are "meant to be" or "not meant to be". I always believed it to be bullshit. How can we fully say that some things are 'fated' not to work out? Who are we to discern that God's playing with us and our lives?
Already it's a very Christian belief that we are free, that God doesn't tinker with our lives, that we get to do things because God lets us do things, and respects us to make our own mistakes. That, to me, is extremely reassuring. It tells me that as all-powerful He is, we're not his chess pieces. We're his friends. And you never force yourself on your friends.
So in my head, I don't really say that I believe some things are "fated" to be the way they are. I will not accept an explanation when people say "wala, it's not meant to be". Maybe the timing wasn't right, maybe something hit a snag somewhere, maybe we overlooked a slight detail. Those ideas, those rationalizations, I'll accept. It tells me that somehow, we're very limited in our powers.
Right now, I'm thinking like this because, well, I don't know how I can explain why I'm unusually unlucky, in many mournfully personal aspects that I can't figure out reasons for. I've a history of not having explanations, and not really being able to articulate explanations for myself.
I can't explain why I'm dying to be with you, when I don't believe in destiny, but I feel utterly destined for you.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
current music: George Winston's Pachelbel Canon in D Major (piano)
At last. Napanood ko na rin sa wakas ang "My Sassy Girl".
Now, I understand why you love this song. Now I understand why you love this film.
I freaking love the film. It's so darned sweet, and I think, it's the very, very first romantic comedy that's made me really start believing in the big stuff like love, fate, destiny and whatever else.
Or, that could just be me thinking that I'm believing because of the film, when I probably already did believe even before I watched "My Sassy Girl". Ah whatever. It's a really great movie. And like every nice DVD, the 'deleted scenes' also are a treat; I get to see stuff that would've impacted the story, but left out. And for good measure; the story really might have become confusing, but I understand what they were trying to emphasize: that Gyo-hun (tama ba?) and the girl really, really did seem to interact in each other's lives, in so many odd coincidences, until it lead to a final, sweeping moment that defined these coincidences into one, sure, real thing.
I want to believe my life is sort of like that too, that my relationships could be like that too, somehow. That there really, really is somebody who turns me inside out, who I'll never live up to, who I'll forever try to impress or do something nice for, but whom I never really get to 'relax' with, until the very end. And even then, I don't think those two ever did "relax" into each other after: there are still probably those days when she'd still kick his ass, or make him do all manner of shit.
Heck, I don't recall once they ever said "I love you" to each other. And that made the love story all the more poignant, in a way.
But I dunno. I'm struck by the film, how certain scenes hit very critical nerves in me, and my life right now. Seriously. It's a scary feeling. Because maybe, just maybe, my life really is like how it is in the films, just as Cerz predicted it may be one day.
And I don't know if it's because I'll give up control of my life, or that I'll steer it into a meaningfully good one. All I'm sure is that right now, I'm trying my best not to cry, or yell, or scream or whatever. Because in my head, there are scenes that I'm unable to shake: riding trains, going clubbing, writing letters, watching girls cry...
Why why why.
I never knew how oddly some things lead me back to you.
Just when I thought I'd give this up, because I felt I'm not what God wanted for you... there comes another weird coincidence that I'll probably over-think into something. But I can't help it; what am I if I can't do that?
At last. Napanood ko na rin sa wakas ang "My Sassy Girl".
Now, I understand why you love this song. Now I understand why you love this film.
I freaking love the film. It's so darned sweet, and I think, it's the very, very first romantic comedy that's made me really start believing in the big stuff like love, fate, destiny and whatever else.
Or, that could just be me thinking that I'm believing because of the film, when I probably already did believe even before I watched "My Sassy Girl". Ah whatever. It's a really great movie. And like every nice DVD, the 'deleted scenes' also are a treat; I get to see stuff that would've impacted the story, but left out. And for good measure; the story really might have become confusing, but I understand what they were trying to emphasize: that Gyo-hun (tama ba?) and the girl really, really did seem to interact in each other's lives, in so many odd coincidences, until it lead to a final, sweeping moment that defined these coincidences into one, sure, real thing.
I want to believe my life is sort of like that too, that my relationships could be like that too, somehow. That there really, really is somebody who turns me inside out, who I'll never live up to, who I'll forever try to impress or do something nice for, but whom I never really get to 'relax' with, until the very end. And even then, I don't think those two ever did "relax" into each other after: there are still probably those days when she'd still kick his ass, or make him do all manner of shit.
Heck, I don't recall once they ever said "I love you" to each other. And that made the love story all the more poignant, in a way.
But I dunno. I'm struck by the film, how certain scenes hit very critical nerves in me, and my life right now. Seriously. It's a scary feeling. Because maybe, just maybe, my life really is like how it is in the films, just as Cerz predicted it may be one day.
And I don't know if it's because I'll give up control of my life, or that I'll steer it into a meaningfully good one. All I'm sure is that right now, I'm trying my best not to cry, or yell, or scream or whatever. Because in my head, there are scenes that I'm unable to shake: riding trains, going clubbing, writing letters, watching girls cry...
Why why why.
I never knew how oddly some things lead me back to you.
Just when I thought I'd give this up, because I felt I'm not what God wanted for you... there comes another weird coincidence that I'll probably over-think into something. But I can't help it; what am I if I can't do that?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
current music: Run It - Chris Brown
Oh great. It's 2006. I feel like the year snuck past me, and I didn't realize that it pulled my pants down. Or something. Oh well.
Still, the year was quite an interesting one. This blog, however, isn't the right place to do a recap; my LJ has more juicy details. There are more stories locked away in its heart.
I will say that about a year ago, I spent it in my room chatting with my brother. This year, no such luck; I spent it mostly thinking on my own, which was good, and shivering in the hills of Tagaytay with my family, which was not so good. But fine.
So what happened in 2005? (I shall use my LJ as a cross-reference tool.)
January:
- turned 21. whopee-doo. dapat debut ko daw ito, but it doesn't apply. i don't get that lucky
- directed a scene study
- survived Payatas Days.
- fell in love with U2's music.
- witnessed the start of a war between 3 good friends from A-Days.
- witnessed my crush of about a year cry, right in front of me in Starbucks katipunan
February:
- spent Valentie's day not stressing about anything, for once. but still, no less melancholy.
- made a huge surge to pull grades up on all fronts
- kept directing my final piece. watched as well-laid plans fell apart.
- maintained good relations with many people. particularly the feuding three. became very close with some of them over that time.
March
- discovered how cool an iPod would really be.
- directed the finals piece, to mixed reviews but overall success
- wrote poetry again after a long dry spell
- bonded with Jemjem over Playstation 2
- finished the schoolyear.
- got pissed off at a friend because she wouldn't dare listen to what I had to say.
- started jogging
- I saw a friend cry.
- later, another friend arrives. and we learned how to play poker.
April
- got my grades. DL pala ako. w00t!
- summer registration. there's a long story (and a poem!) in there.
- farewell, Your Holiness. got seen on TV for it. hehe.
- owed up to having hypertension. lifestyle changes begin
- entered a difficult dieting program
- discovered a former crush got a job i wanted for myself years ago. On april fool's, no less.
- A28. part-time nga lang though.
- gave the Eagle Story for LnK. happiness. :)
May:
- TnT preparations. Costume-making ensues. didn't get the job anyway. hehehe.
- LnK! (sportsfest, parties, formacom, etc.)
- Tito Jose, rest in peace.
- termites infest my room
- Star Wars episode 3! and Kingdom of Heaven!
- Arsenal win the FA Cup! :D
- the end of The Fifth Summer. Sad.
June:
- A29. Housing Head. sheeeeet.
- classes resume. (art writing, poetry w/ sir larry, and practicum topbill)
- I decided it was ripe for change.
- spent the early part playing NBA Street V3, and also listening in to NBA Finals.
- began jogging with Jihan. started to become good friends with Jihan.
- wrote a lot of poems, but one stuck for, like, forever.
July:
- can you say "Neil Gaiman"? Gateway adventures! Batman Begins!
- "Sa Uulitin", by Mojofly
- coke, anybody? :p
- nagka-party kina Lolo Rowald. yipee!
- suddenly, ang dalas kong lumabas. The Wednesday hungry trinity was formed. (Rodic's, Gayuma, etc)
- Debut ni Chimoms! and stuff after.
August:
- lumalabas kada wednesday. at kumakain.
- Aegis photoshoot.
- Bayanihan with blockmates
- got to cook an entire meal.
- finally got published! Yeah!
- finally put to rest some things regarding her. oo, siya din.
September:
- Happy birthday, you. I'm happy you got your wish at last.
- Edlyn's birthday libre.
- Raph starts getting into emo, c/o mostly Mela, and continued by Mindy
- Art Writing's got me busy.
- Sonya's Garden.
October:
- S.A.W.I., Darls' party
- bringing Jay home, drunk
- thesis defense, preparations for Ateneo Law,
- sem break. raph starts missing everybody
- A30. heartbreaker of a batch. security head ako, though. (although... something changed here.)- Nick Horby's "High Fidelity", and Neil Gaiman + Terry Pratchett's "Good Omens"
November:
- Humanities Week!
- Lit Night to remember
- Law exams left and right
- No more DL powers starts to sink in
- got drunk. yeah.
- got sick shortly after. yebah.
- THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER by Stephen Chbosky
- Christa's debut. LnK mini-reunion!
- so many little coincidences
December:
- Immersion!
- Mela's birthday.
- directing monologue series!
- auditions for FA Festival!
- Christmas!
- directing Jihan's play!
- A31! Happy birthday Kuya Jess!
- party ni Lolo Rowald!
- New Year's at Tagaytay.
Whew. that's that.
now time for dinner. i'm not hungry, but i'm obliged to eat. tsk. i just hope i don't end up barfing all over the place or whatever. i'm THAT full after all the adventures of the day.
biro mo? paguwi namin sa maynila, dumaan ulit kami kina lolo rowald. party naman sila ulit! This time, it was the carrasco side of the family (lola pining's side) that had reason to celebrate, along with guests from the people who used to live in their compound. I wanted to hunt out the childhood friends I made from way back, but I didn't see them today. tsk.
instead, we snuck to tito allan's sanctuary, with the snazzy Yamaha 5.1 sound system, the huge flat-screen digital TV, and DVD player, and the beanbag which is just love. i got to watch an episode of Macross for the first time. and I walked home borrowing the DVD of "My Sassy Girl". yesh! finally!
oh, and we ate a lot.
now, i have to eat some more.
Oh great. It's 2006. I feel like the year snuck past me, and I didn't realize that it pulled my pants down. Or something. Oh well.
Still, the year was quite an interesting one. This blog, however, isn't the right place to do a recap; my LJ has more juicy details. There are more stories locked away in its heart.
I will say that about a year ago, I spent it in my room chatting with my brother. This year, no such luck; I spent it mostly thinking on my own, which was good, and shivering in the hills of Tagaytay with my family, which was not so good. But fine.
So what happened in 2005? (I shall use my LJ as a cross-reference tool.)
January:
- turned 21. whopee-doo. dapat debut ko daw ito, but it doesn't apply. i don't get that lucky
- directed a scene study
- survived Payatas Days.
- fell in love with U2's music.
- witnessed the start of a war between 3 good friends from A-Days.
- witnessed my crush of about a year cry, right in front of me in Starbucks katipunan
February:
- spent Valentie's day not stressing about anything, for once. but still, no less melancholy.
- made a huge surge to pull grades up on all fronts
- kept directing my final piece. watched as well-laid plans fell apart.
- maintained good relations with many people. particularly the feuding three. became very close with some of them over that time.
March
- discovered how cool an iPod would really be.
- directed the finals piece, to mixed reviews but overall success
- wrote poetry again after a long dry spell
- bonded with Jemjem over Playstation 2
- finished the schoolyear.
- got pissed off at a friend because she wouldn't dare listen to what I had to say.
- started jogging
- I saw a friend cry.
- later, another friend arrives. and we learned how to play poker.
April
- got my grades. DL pala ako. w00t!
- summer registration. there's a long story (and a poem!) in there.
- farewell, Your Holiness. got seen on TV for it. hehe.
- owed up to having hypertension. lifestyle changes begin
- entered a difficult dieting program
- discovered a former crush got a job i wanted for myself years ago. On april fool's, no less.
- A28. part-time nga lang though.
- gave the Eagle Story for LnK. happiness. :)
May:
- TnT preparations. Costume-making ensues. didn't get the job anyway. hehehe.
- LnK! (sportsfest, parties, formacom, etc.)
- Tito Jose, rest in peace.
- termites infest my room
- Star Wars episode 3! and Kingdom of Heaven!
- Arsenal win the FA Cup! :D
- the end of The Fifth Summer. Sad.
June:
- A29. Housing Head. sheeeeet.
- classes resume. (art writing, poetry w/ sir larry, and practicum topbill)
- I decided it was ripe for change.
- spent the early part playing NBA Street V3, and also listening in to NBA Finals.
- began jogging with Jihan. started to become good friends with Jihan.
- wrote a lot of poems, but one stuck for, like, forever.
July:
- can you say "Neil Gaiman"? Gateway adventures! Batman Begins!
- "Sa Uulitin", by Mojofly
- coke, anybody? :p
- nagka-party kina Lolo Rowald. yipee!
- suddenly, ang dalas kong lumabas. The Wednesday hungry trinity was formed. (Rodic's, Gayuma, etc)
- Debut ni Chimoms! and stuff after.
August:
- lumalabas kada wednesday. at kumakain.
- Aegis photoshoot.
- Bayanihan with blockmates
- got to cook an entire meal.
- finally got published! Yeah!
- finally put to rest some things regarding her. oo, siya din.
September:
- Happy birthday, you. I'm happy you got your wish at last.
- Edlyn's birthday libre.
- Raph starts getting into emo, c/o mostly Mela, and continued by Mindy
- Art Writing's got me busy.
- Sonya's Garden.
October:
- S.A.W.I., Darls' party
- bringing Jay home, drunk
- thesis defense, preparations for Ateneo Law,
- sem break. raph starts missing everybody
- A30. heartbreaker of a batch. security head ako, though. (although... something changed here.)- Nick Horby's "High Fidelity", and Neil Gaiman + Terry Pratchett's "Good Omens"
November:
- Humanities Week!
- Lit Night to remember
- Law exams left and right
- No more DL powers starts to sink in
- got drunk. yeah.
- got sick shortly after. yebah.
- THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER by Stephen Chbosky
- Christa's debut. LnK mini-reunion!
- so many little coincidences
December:
- Immersion!
- Mela's birthday.
- directing monologue series!
- auditions for FA Festival!
- Christmas!
- directing Jihan's play!
- A31! Happy birthday Kuya Jess!
- party ni Lolo Rowald!
- New Year's at Tagaytay.
Whew. that's that.
now time for dinner. i'm not hungry, but i'm obliged to eat. tsk. i just hope i don't end up barfing all over the place or whatever. i'm THAT full after all the adventures of the day.
biro mo? paguwi namin sa maynila, dumaan ulit kami kina lolo rowald. party naman sila ulit! This time, it was the carrasco side of the family (lola pining's side) that had reason to celebrate, along with guests from the people who used to live in their compound. I wanted to hunt out the childhood friends I made from way back, but I didn't see them today. tsk.
instead, we snuck to tito allan's sanctuary, with the snazzy Yamaha 5.1 sound system, the huge flat-screen digital TV, and DVD player, and the beanbag which is just love. i got to watch an episode of Macross for the first time. and I walked home borrowing the DVD of "My Sassy Girl". yesh! finally!
oh, and we ate a lot.
now, i have to eat some more.
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