current music: Want You to Know - Freelance Hellraiser

Taken from a friend's blog, post dated Feb. 14, 2007.


I will spend today wishing I were with you. Tagaytay will be perfect, I'm sure. Perfect for this perfectly saccharine holiday. It's just the escape I need; you know how much I've been dealing with lately. And yet, I know I'll just be thinking of you, and trying not to cry.

I considered not going, you know. Because it wouldn't be fair. Not fair at all. But the alternative was staying home, perhaps watching some Grey's, and eating my feelings. Then of course the tears would come. I didn't want to spend this year's Valentine's that way. Not that last year's was much better. But anyway. I'm choosing to try to be happy. Operative word being try. I guess the most I can hope for these days is distraction, and that's exactly what Tagaytay offered.

It's been, what, six days? Yeah, crazy of me to do such a thing a week before Valentine's Day. But you didn't leave me with much choice. You had barely anything to say. And when you did say things, they didn't leave me with much hope either. I so wanted you to fight for it, to convince me that there was sense in all of this, that we didn't spend so much time just to end up with nothing. But all I got from you was defeat, resignation to the fact that you had lost me and there wasn't much you could do about it because I had made up my mind.

You did say afterwards that you are fighting, that you'd be unbelievably stupid to give it all up. But where is that fight? It's Valentine's Day for heaven's sake. I'm not asking for much, you know that. Just some sign that you're more than just words, that you do love me enough to show me just how much. Because otherwise, there's not much reason for me to believe it.

Hay, I hate that I can't even find comfort in my music. Somebody suggested that I listen to heavy metal, saying it was guaranteed to make me feel better. But I guess the masochist in me still chooses crap like Third Eye Blind and Snow Patrol. And I realized that there are simply too many songs that remind me of you, most of which I love too much not to play. Like right now, Maps just came on. I'm singing along, and I hate how heartbreakingly sad my voice sounds.

What I fear most of all is that you'll eventually forget me. I told you how I can't even imagine us being friends after this. As much as I love you and want you to be happy, the thought of seeing you with someone else is just too much to bear. Because that would mean that you had found that one person you were willing to take care of, to take risks and to sacrifice for. And I just couldn't be that person, as hard as I tried.

I agree, it is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.