Nikki,

Heya. So, is the high back yet? I hope it is!

This is new to me, the whole typing out a P-letter. Then again, you're not like any other rectora I've written for (and I meant it when I said if I could pick a co-rector, I'd pick you). You're a whole lady apart, and like how you always got the "breaking news" on my life, you get the first ever P-letter typed out!

So let's start. Game? Game.

I want to thank you for everything, Nikki, for the 2-3 years I've known you since I kissed your feet. I think it was lucky that I became pretty good friends with you at a time when my life wasn't set right. Conversely, you had your trying moments too.

Stuck in my head was what I remember how you became near to me: the one funny conversation we had heading to A38 (if I can remember), when I was driving and you were telling me about frustrating shit. Yet despite the drama all the while you were preparing to sponsor your friends, and spent nearly all your money for their P-night. Then there were the YM conversations when I would tell you about it, and how we came closer. Hell, one of which was even a "live feed", with you helping me say the right thing during a very painful exchange.

And you were there, like (almost) always. You pulled through.

And I pulled through too; it was because you were there for me that I made it through a lot of dark days. And it was because you let me in too, that I was able to make it for you. I often prayed to Jess to send people angels to look out for us. I think, this time, Jess decided to do away with winged mythical creatures or what I thought was "just luck". He sent real people. He sent you. And I hope somehow, at some times, He sent me.

It wasn't always gloomy - we had fun too. I remember A36 with you composing the hit single "Pedophile Si Ben." I remember you springing me to Starbucks Promenade on my 24th birthday so I could chill with you and the Agustins - never mind that you had your own stressful morning at the Ateneo Football Field with Fred, you were there for me. I remember dinner out after Ateneo won the basketball championship, I remember going to Galleria with you and Grace and Cy, and karaoke at Josh's birthday, I remember editing your yearbook write-up. They may not all be much long term, but they loom large, still, even if they're ancient and old thoughts now.

Honestly? I miss being there for you. Things are different: we operate around different circles, and we spend time with different friends. We're always at Days, but we've got our own lives running too. Our time talking now is shorter, our attention more divided, our feet directing us differently to different paths. We’d look out for each other less - we’d just care for others more now, I notice.

But to me, Nikki? You'll always still be "first to know", even if, well, I can't find you, or seek you out, or even if you can't be told what's happened to me first. (I’ll still tell you; I trust you, after all.)

You're one of the brightest, most powerful reasons why I'm still staffing, why I still believe in Jess, and why I still believe in Days. I look at the times you've told me, about how hard things are for you, and how you still held on to Jess, still forgave, still forced your bitterness away. I remember how you cared for me, even when I was a jerk, and how you were there for others when nobody was there for them too, and how, each time you credited it to Jess.

At days like these, I can't help but feel like I'm standing in front some lovely work of art, or some grand Wonder of the World, or the most gorgeous lady on the planet. How you love people makes a big guy like me feel small.

And it makes me say "Jess, kung kaya niya, kaya ko pa."

So. Even if Jess needs me and needs you to look after other people now, I want you to know for every day of every year that I breathe, yes, I think you are so fucking awesome.

This letter can't really express it, but I tried.

I love you Nikki. Till next time.


-Raph
a24, sd1