It has just rained. It is 11 PM. You are probably on your way home, hungry and tired, and frankly, so am I.

It is nights like this when I miss you the most - when I could tell you'd text me or call, looking for company or food or any other kind of small comfort. It's times like these I know somehow you'd seek me out, and I'd feel how you treasured and valued me in ways nobody else does.

Right now I am still waiting for someone to seek me out. But nobody did it like you.

I miss her small, bony, and ever so fragile hands.

I miss her tinny, tiny, squeaky and adorable voice.

I miss her eyes, with a gaze piercing like knives and yet delicate like a caress.

I miss that bright body of hers, and how it shone in the sunset.

I miss her "negative" moods, which I'd tease, much to her anger.

I miss hearing her sing.

I miss making her laugh.

I miss how she laughed at my jokes.

I miss surprising her and making her squeal in delight as a result, every time.

I miss her beautiful family. Every one of them.

I miss her cool friends.

I miss cooking for her.

I miss how she'd sniff her hair.

I miss the smell of her hair.

I miss her hair, always pretty no matter what.

I miss driving her to and from work. I miss driving her home. I miss how she'd hold my hand while I was driving, out of the blue, ever so unexpectedly.

I miss how she asked if I already ate, or how my day went. I miss how she was actually one of only 4 people in my life who care about me to ask.

I miss how she broke rules for me. I miss breaking rules for her.

I miss how close we became, and yet, we never broke boundaries on principle. We never had sex, let alone kissed like lovers do. Not once. And I miss how close to breaking those walls we got sometimes, and how it excited me to see her next time.

I miss her surprise texts, Facebook chats, phone calls and all those just to get me to go with her somewhere out of the blue, no matter how difficult it could be for me. I miss how I'd hear from her 5 out of 7 days in a week.

I miss having somebody to travel with.

I miss having somebody to plan travel with.

I miss how she'd nit-pick every little thing about me.

I miss being motivated, driven, each time she'd comment negatively about me. I felt ever so strong each time, determined to prove her wrong.

I miss fighting with her. Because when we were friends again, it was like a newfound strength to the bond we shared was forged.

I miss hearing her laugh, even with jokes that weren't funny to me.

I miss how she encouraged me to save money. I miss her nagging me to save money.

I miss seeing her face on my Facebook Top Friends. Hell, I miss seeing her on Facebook, and I missed out on copies of pictures on the "dope times" we had. I look at where her face should be on my apps and see a hole, like the hole in my heart right now.

I miss talking to her about everything and nothing at once.

I miss not having to cry when I hear love songs.

I miss singing love songs with her.

I miss going to church with her.

I miss watching American Idol with her. I miss watching TV with her, period, and making popcorn to watch.

I miss how she gave me what I needed, never just what I wanted.

I miss how her perfume would flood my car. I miss how it turned me on for days.

I miss planning a future together, a future we were both skeptical would ever happen, but excited me to make real nevertheless.

I miss helping her out with her thesis.

I miss arguing with her.

I miss her yelling at me, and how I yell back.

I miss seeing how hot she becomes when she's angry.

I miss her warmth when it's cold.

I miss how her small arms had so much strength, that night she held me close.

I miss the beach because of her.

I miss partying with her.

I miss daydreaming about her.

I miss remembering the color yellow meaning more than just another shade, because it was her favorite.

I miss late night food binges in Mister Kebab, or at Bellisimo, or Greens or Taco Bell or KFC. I miss how coffee tasted because of her. I miss collecting stickers for Starbucks and stamps from Gloria Jean's for her.

I miss lining up at 2AM at Araneta Center, or rushing out of the office to get to Blue Eagle Gym, so we could watch UAAP together. I miss scoping out Araneta for tickets to the Cheerdance contest which I couldn't get. I miss buying tickets to BoyzIIMen, amid a throng of PBA fans. I miss knowing she'd love these shows and she did, and I loved them because I was with her.

I miss exercise and running with her.

I miss our walks.

I miss how she got along with my family pretty well. I miss that a lot.

I miss writing her letters.

I miss having her sleep over my place.

I miss serving her breakfast in bed.

I miss shopping for cheese with her, and experimenting with it in my kitchen.

I miss making her iPod play lists. I miss having someone I could talk to about music, and how I'd learn from her.

I miss planning things to do for her, like buying her earphones, or making her a scrapbook.

I miss listening to her rant about boys.

I miss (yes I do) , I miss being jealous about her and the boys who liked her and the boy she loved. I miss the arguments. I miss how tenderly I'd try to apologize, and how harsh she could be when not in the mood to be friends, because it'd make me have to be braver.

I miss how she'd never say no.

I miss how she picked up my lingo, like lines like "sounds like a plan" and "gudjab" and "Whatevs" and "Sooobrang galing". I miss how cute it was, all the time.

I miss helping her find a job, and driving her to interviews and waiting for her to finish.

I miss the bets and debts we never got to keep.

I miss how she made me feel this was inevitable. That we would not be able to avoid it, ever.

I miss preparing her dinner for the evenings she didn't get to eat, and driving them to her so she'd have something to munch on in my car.

I miss how we'd sit quietly and look at each others' eyes, wordlessly, both like and not like how lovers do. It's hard to understand unless you actually do.

I miss feeling her pat my back when I coughed.

I miss our sweldo-day adventures.

I miss holding her hand.

I miss long road trips with her.

I miss how warm she felt when she leaned on me, and how it always made me feel so much stronger than I did that day.

I miss knowing that all my dreams, she'd support me, and wouldn't keep me.

I miss hitching my future plans to hers, of her hopes to leave the country and make a life there. I miss the knowledge I had then, deep down, that it would be worth it.

I miss getting drunk with her.

I miss letting her tell me what to do (which I don't let just anyone do).

I miss how cute she'd be, resisting me from hugging her.

I miss dreaming about her. I miss how those dreams made me wake up every morning feeling refreshed and energized, and not broken and in tears.

I miss feeling like every day our hearts could turn.

I miss how my friends looked at us. Not just at me. Us.

I miss having friends tell me "She's awesome, Raph. I hope you two make this last."

I miss how every little thing seemed to go right when I was with her, and we were on "an adventure". That even the bad things became positives along the way, and how the good things became intensely wonderful, as if by some miracle.

I miss doing random errands for her that I can't remember anymore.

I miss volunteering for causes with her.

I miss the sound of her name.

I miss the softness of her lips on my cheeks when we say goodbye.

I miss praying with her.

I miss praying for her.

I miss telling her I love her.

I miss whispering "I love you" whenever she left, just softly so she wouldn't hear it out loud.

I miss having the right to love her.

I miss her.


And now, I am mute, alone, emptied of everything without her, except my regrets. I walk among the wounded and until things lift, I know no joy.

current music: When She Loved Me - The King's Singers


Nelli, Dearest of all my friends,

I wish I had more than a few hours to really say my goodbyes. Then again, the goodbyes should've happened a whole lot longer ago, when somewhere along the way, I learned you wouldn't ever be the one I would call mine.

Still, at every turn, at every little moment of quiet I remembered you. I recalled your small hands that felt like a keychain of keys that open me, no matter how mad or closed-hearted I was. I would wonder how you'd think or sort through problems if I found myself stuck. I'd see beautiful things in life and wonder how you'd react if I showed them to you.

I say these because these thoughts will have to stay for the time being. You love Mike, with a kind of passion and courage and loyalty that I was ready to give you. There's no way I could tell you to leave him, not for my benefit, but for yours, because I could never be dissuaded to stop looking out for you. (And you know this.)

You and I both have a shot at not just being happy, but at making other people's lives a whole lot brighter. I like to think that this is what Jess wants for you and I. Angels don't own, keep, desire anything after all. And as angels, we both know we must go.

In the course of a year, you've shown me much about what it means to love, to REALLY love. Yes, you say often how sorry you were for trouble. But I wasn't perfect either. I hurt you, made you cry, and kept you from being happy sometimes too. I treated you like I would a girlfriend and I'm sorry if you hated me for it.

And then there are days that are simply magical. Days I'll cherish forever. They light up my dreams like a Bolinao sunset, fill me with music the way that makes roaring basketball crowds sound like a whisper. They touch me more tenderly than the most heartfelt words, such that haven't been thought of yet. And it's all because you, the one I love most, was there with me.

It's almost a year since you crashed into my life. I still feel it like yesterday. It's almost 4 years since we first met. I still haven't forgotten how I went home smiling that night, wondering if I'll ever see you again.

And now, we go, we walk, we fly. I pray my time with you was able to give you something, anything, that leaves a mark in your life as you do in mine, everyday.

And someday, if ever you wonder where I am, or yearn for that love which I've never kept from you, pray. His is a greater love.

And if you ever find me again, the way you did that one magical summer of 2009, know that I'll still remember you, your laugh, your voice, your lovely, angelic eyes. You always were that first angel I prayed for. You'll always be.

Be safe. I love you.

Basta ikaw,
Raph

No, I'm okay, really.

I just miss her.



current music: X'mas Lights - Ang Bandang Shirley

current music: Come on Home - Everything but the Girl





Hey Nelli,

How are you? Thanks for the planner, by the way. I can't wait to start writing out my year's future plans. It's the GotHeart planner like I asked. I got what I wanted for my birthday, and it came from you, of all people. Thank you.

I turned 26. Christmas and my birthday came, saw, and came again, bringing much joy and laughter and good times shared by all.

My life is good: I am surrounded by good friends, a loving family who believe in me, and am doing a job that pays me well for what I do. I have plans laid out for my future. I am doing the steps to make them real, and while they demand much of my future and will take a lot out of me, I can't wait for them to happen. And if they fall through, I feel confident I can make something nice happen still.

But to be honest, Nelli? I'm still bummed, because I don't have what I want, more than anything in the world.

I want YOU, you who was the answer to the prayers I begged God to grant almost a whole year ago. You were (and still are) my life's shining star, and I'm glad we're friends. I'm glad you met your new angel, never mind that he can give you so much less than what I could (because he makes you smile, after all). It's all good we're making the most of the time we have left before I disappear for a year, and at least you're in good hands until then.

But to be honest?

I want you. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine.

And I want, beg, hope, pray, wish for you to wait for the day I return. And maybe one day we could finish this story that we never quite started.

Because as much as it isn't in my character to say it, I feel it quite keenly: the altruistic, "For you, Lord" sacrifices I make mean nothing if nobody's there to make me happy like you have all this time.

I love you. And I want nothing more than for you to wait for me, and upon my return, hold me and tell me you love me, just as I whisper how I've set you apart, and how I can't wait to build this perfect life you confide in me so much about together.

It's you, Nelli, dearest of all I know. It's you. All that I want is you.

Remain in my love. Wait for me.

Because sometimes?


Some people are just worth it.

Yeah. That's just me going all in.

Pray for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzs64tUfaGY

The Chase - My Favorite Highway




Even though it’s hard to hear the truth
It’s every little thing that makes you move
And there is a reflection in the mirror
You don’t believe
And darling it’s so hard to understand
I wish that I could fix what you feel instead
Baby, why’d you do that, I can see through that
Give it a chance

And you can’t just disappear
I’m begging you come on out, come on out
Promise that the coast is clear

(chorus)
I don’t mind the chase
Baby, you’re lost out there in a different place
And I can’t get to you
I don’t mind the chase
Baby, you’re lost out there in a different place
And I can’t get to you
But I’ll do what I have to

Every little piece you pick apart
You’ve hidden in a corner of your heart
And there is a reflection in the mirror
That you don’t see
And darling, it’s an awful lot to give
A memory you chase but you can’t relive
Baby, it’s supposed to, baby you’re close to
Letting me in

And you can’t just disappear
I’m begging you come on out, come on out
Promise that the coast is clear

Chorus

Oh, you never could quiet honestly explain
How much he means to you
You’re doing everything they ask you to
There’s a part of you, you wish you knew
And every escape you thought you could make
No, you did not think it would show
Darling it was way too much
Way to slow

Chorus

I am balancing the troubled line between pride and self-value.

Yes, I say hurtful things. I am not proud of that. I am not proud of what happened about a week ago, and I am not happy with the silence that has fallen over us, as if we are waiting for another storm to arrive and flood us with tears and bitterness.

But I am not proud of how over and over people have mistaken my kindness for weakness. You know who they are, and you know who you are.

I may regret this later, but right now I need to say this: understand - I am very, very hurt. Hurt by the vast many things that you've not noticed, nor been willing to acknowledge all these months. I'm hurt and I'm tired.

I am tired of how I'm there for you when you need me, but when I need someone to listen to me, you brush it off with an "It'll be okay," or conveniently change the topic.

I am tired of being present for you, while I feel you go on ignore my counsel, my thoughts on things, or my warnings on what you should and shouldn't do. I am tired of talking only about things you want to talk about. I am tired of feeling how you only hear what you want to, or of how you cut off my stories because you can't stop talking about your day, or your office mates, or your desire for a new iPod, or for your longing to leave the country. All these I love knowing about you, but it pains me to know you don't care about my day, my week, my life.

I am tired of the small sacrifices I do for you as a friend. I am tired of buying you dinner and coffee, all of which I spend on my own account. I am tired of lining up for tickets to ball games for you, or looking for things you need. All of these are favors which by now have become very painfully clear to me you never have any intention of returning. I am hurt by how you returned the earphones I got you because I thought it was the thoughtful thing to do (I'm like that - ask everyone). Yes, it was the heat of the argument that set it off, but by my foot, I had to go hungry for two weeks to gift them to you, only for you to return them just like that.

I am tired of fighting with you, only to sleep it off and then be close all over again. But after a few days, the same problems, be they yours or mine, arise all over, and we quarrel over again. I know that constant quarreling doesn't mean everything's ruined - there really is a great level of respect and care that I feel every time. But there's also so much energy that gets spent when that energy could have been directed at making each other stronger, happier.

I am tired of how you reach out to hold my hand one day, and then recoil at my touch a few days later. I am tired of how you'd be so warm one day, and then later push me away, or deflect my compliments. I am tired of how you deny me chances to help you when it is painfully clear you need my help. Conversely, I do not like it when you suddenly go and need my help when I am not always in a position to give it, and when I don't do that well I only end up feeling guilty and bad. I am tired of how you demand of your friends, all friends, the kind of attention that most every other person will demand of a lover, when all the while I feel you don't know how to give that much yourself.

I am tired and bothered and annoyed of how quickly you get tired of people. I'm tired of how you use it as an excuse, a convenient alibi because the simple truth is if you cared badly enough about somebody you won't ever get tired of these people.

I am tired of you being so inconsiderate of my feelings for you. Yes, you may not like me, but damn hell, I don't deserve to have you rub it in, or to watch you overtly flirt with other boys over the phone while you're tipsy and then tell me I have no right to be hurt, while you know full well of how much I care for you.

I am tired of hearing how excited you are sometimes to see a new crush, only to spend the next few days after whining about how he's not right for you, when all along I knew he wasn't good enough, or honest with you, or he was just after your body. I'm a guy. I know how we play, and as your friend it is with loyalty that I strive to protect you.

I am tired of hearing from you how awful some guys in your life are, because that tells me you go around telling your friends and family how awful I am. Especially when I'm not around.

I am tired of hearing that you don't want a boyfriend, because it's obvious that you do. I am tired of hearing at no matter how great I am, I just won't do. Most especially because everyday you keep telling me how much you've been waiting for somebody, and how you keep telling me what you're looking for: nice teeth, good education, smart, never had a girlfriend, loves music, doesn't smoke, has a car, cares for others, thoughtful, fun to be with and to show off to friends... all these rounding out a portrait of who I am, who I've always been all these years. And then you go and say you lost hope of ever having me, that you're not ready, that you're in no place to keep anybody, what more me.

I am tired of being compared to your ex. Because I never, ever compared you to the people who have come and gone and hurt me. I am tired of having to prove to you I'm great, when everybody else already can see how happy we can be.

I am tired of how you make yourself such a big part of my life, when you have no intention of staying in my life. I say that because it's already been a week and you've made no effort to try and fix things. I say that because I'm tired of always being the one to break the silence when we argue. I say that because I feel it's high time I see how important I am to you, more than just you telling me now and then.

I am tired of hoping, praying, wishing on stars, lighting candles in Churches and knocking on wood. I am tired of being alone in my bed. I am tired of wishing I were dead. I am tired of hoping you'd come around and be a better friend than you have been to me lately, never mind be my lover.

Because being honest? I just need a great friend right now. And I feel that as hard as I've tried to be that great friend for you, without question, doubt or any underlying motive, I can't do this alone. I need you to be a great friend for me too - something which I feel you haven't been able to be anymore.

And if you can't be a truly great friend to me, what more my lover? And truly great friends don't demand unless it can better the other, do not insist nor interfere unless it makes the other braver, do not take unless they can also give, and do not harm if they cannot forgive after.

I am tired of knowing you don't know how to receive compliments, favors, kindness and concern, the things I do for my friends. What more the people who are my family, or those who I find I want to form my family with? What more the people I love?

I am tired of longing for you, only to have you near me again and then find myself upset at how you go back to your old habits.

I am tired.

But I am not tired of you.

And I'll be back for more if you'd come around.

I love you, and I have loved you since the day I met you, and yes, it's love because it's the choice I made then and a choice I keep everyday, like every other person I have ever loved and still do.

And I promised myself I'd do all I could to be a part of your life, somehow. I may love you without condition. I know that if you broke this silence, we'd be friends again, and I hope that this cycle will not continue with you going on making the most of being my friend.

Because I knew you before all this, before somewhere along the way of your over-thinking and doubting and fear, before you changed one morning in May and was never the same again.

I remember how wonderful, warm and watchful over me you were. I know how thoughtful you have always been - not dependent on a mood or the weather but how you are so considerate always.

I loved how you could be so upbeat, positive and happy, never mind you had so little to your name or how far off your dreams were. I miss how you used to be ready to go on any adventure, even if I was the one taking great risks for you. I miss how you'd be one of the few girls in the world to get me to leave my comfort zone because you loved to tiptoe around yours with me.

I long for the times when it was simple - we liked each other, and that it was enough for us to speed off into the unknown, afraid of the future ahead but confident that we don't have to do this alone.

And yes, there are days that suck. There are times that hurt and that wear us out, much like today and yesterday and all the fights and all the days that convince the both of us we deserve better.

But all of that that is nothing to me because for the first time in my life? I met somebody who is worth it, and who once truly believed I was worth it, too. With you, I met somebody who truly brings the best out of me everyday. That's even during the hard moments we're not happy, and as well as on the good days when I feel like a prince just because I had you near me, or just because you were there helping me find perfume or giving me pointers on my driving or managing my money, or simply just sitting over coffee or on soaking the sun on a beach and not saying a word.

I miss that you. I long for that you. And if you really believe that we only accept the love that we feel we deserve, then you know what I want.

I want you, the you that I fell in love with. And in my life, I want you to stay.

But if you really, really believe that I have no place in your life or your future, or anything else that will only be more of the way it's always been...please no.

No.

I'm so tired right now, it hurts to hear your name, even if I want to be there with you, hold you close and make sure you'll never walk alone again.

Yes, I love you so. But please. You are the one girl in the world who gives me rest, and yet I am so, so tired.

The Apology



Nelli,

Heya.

I have a confession to make: I have never, ever, ever kissed a girl.

No bullshit! I've never kissed a girl. No girl has ever wanted to kiss me. Not only have I ever not had sex, I've never had a girl say she liked me (out loud). I've never seen a girl naked in person before. I've never gotten so far as to have somebody think of me "in that way". Yes, I've been offered and I've turned down the more physical, flirtatious advances I've had from girls with one drink too many, but that's as far as my romantic history goes.

Then there was this girl who held my hand one stray evening and made me feel by her words and deeds, by her constant asking of my attention and my time and energy that I was worth keeping. That was Mela. And you were at May's party: you saw how she decided not to keep me, how cold and distant we are now, and I promised myself never to be used up by anyone like that again.

Romantically, I've always been a loser. I've never been great with girls. I know how to get along with girls, have fun and play around and show them a good time, but I've never taken it further than the casual laughter-laded conversation, nor had I found anybody worth giving more to.

And finally, there's you. You, whom I've kissed on the cheek, held hands with, bought flowers for, seen in a bikini, walked together with on a beach, and even shared a bed to sleep with. You who I watch American Idol with, you who slept on my couch, in my car, and in chairs and tables around the house. You who bought me cheese at Santi's, fries at McDonald's, strawberry wine at Baguio and cupcakes at Sonja's. You who shared coffee with me, shared secrets with me, and even tried to set me up on a date with her best friend. All that, in a span of two and three months, when other friends I've made wouldn't dare do these for me all through the years I've known them.

You told me that I was your best guy friend. You told me about the boys you used to date, confided about your history and more. You told me things like how you have a tendency to depend on people, and one of these people you said was me. And you even once said that if things were different, we'd be together and that I really just wasn't what you wanted now.

Of all that, what truly truly struck me was how you said I was your best guy friend. Because nobody ever said that to me before. Nobody made me feel valuable like you ever did, and not in a romantic way, but in a way like a truly deeply affective companion.

And that's because, over the past two glorious months, I've come to depend on you like nobody. I've come to find some validation in knowing that you were always there. That if the chips were down Nelli would still make my day. That you always had the best thing to say about the gloomiest subjects, because you wouldn't joke about it; you'd take me seriously. That you trusted me, and it was a world of joy knowing you did.

None of my friends have been as open as you have been to me. It means so much that you are, that you don't mince words, that you counted me close to you, as I do you.

Then again, my friends will all say the same thing: the closer you get to Raph, the more likely he's going to hurt you. And at times, he won't even realize it until it's too late - you'll just get hurt.

And hurt you I did. I'm not proud of that Saturday at Ate Mott's. I'm not proud of my behavior with you and Gelo at Trinoma. I'm not proud of the doubts, fears, suspicions I've harbored and told no one - how you might be just using me, or taking advantage of my feelings, or that you were being reckless with my heart by dating around, especially when I was still courting you.

The thing is? All these are so, so small, compared to what I did. And while I promised to do you right, I didn't do you right there. For that, I'm so sorry.

You see, I wanted to be ever so closer to you, so much because you've come to mean this much to me that I was so wrapped up in it, that I couldn't tell apart being in love, and being loved, and actually loving. And I forgot it didn't need t o be in that way either.

I took for granted the ways and sacrifices you'd used to make for us to hang out, for us to be friends, and for you and I to get to know each other better. I forgot how attentive you've always been to my every mood shift, my every facial tick, or even the food I'd eat and the way I'd drive. I forgot how present you have awlays tried to be in my life, and how you'd share me yours by meeting your friends and by walking me around Malate.

I forgot that's how you cared for me, when I took them for granted, or took them as something different. That's how hungry I was for you, I guess, that in the end I just took and took and didn't realize I was hurting you, or making things hard for you.

Today, I'm alone at home on a Saturday, and I look outside at the driving rain clean the air like a cool bath. Summer has ended. Time away to think and reflect has been kind. You are right; I do need time away, I do need growing up and moving forward to do.

And as grateful as I was to finally fall in love this summer, I want to start the rainy season knowing I found something better: I found you, my once-constant companion.

All I ask is reconciliation.

If there's anything I promise you, it's that I treasure this friendship we've forged. Thanks to you I've gotten to see how much better a guy, a better future boyfriend, a better child of God I can be. You've been a good influence, helping me lose weight and motivating me to get a job, and plan farther into my future, to chase dreams I want, to help get my life back in order.

And I want to return the favor. I want to make your life that much better, because for this summer you've made mine that much wonderful too. I'm sorry how summer ended on this, but if you could find it in yourself to forgive me, I'd gladly do all I can to make it up to you all the rest of the year long.

There. I've said my piece. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please know that no matter what happens, I'll remember you with fondness, gratitude, humilty and joy.

Thanks for everything, Nelli. Be safe.

-Raph

current music: silence, but I hear "Whenever, Wherever, Whatever" in my head



We are at Manila, and nobody in my house knows I'm with her. We are parked in front of the bank. She's reclined her seat, and is trying to sleep, recharging her batteries for an interview in an hour. I'm writing this draining my laptop's battery. I kill the radio so I don't drain the car's battery. And I'm already trying my best to weather the next battery of the various tasks and errands we do as "constant companions".

It has been two weeks since she asked me to stop courting her. She told me that this wasn't what she wanted. I was saddened; I realized that I did something wrong, or I got too emotional, or I lost sight of what she wanted, how she felt, how unsure she may have been about it all. She said that there are things her life must take care of first - a job, moving out, a life away from our homeland. She said she feels how I care for her, but she can't have a boyfriend - she feels her life can't afford to be smothered by another's. Not now.

She's curled to the side, her breasts heaving high and low at her breath, and they are so beautiful. She's so beautiful when she sleeps. I want to curl up close, hold her near me and chase her down the footpath of dream and sleep, to kiss her lips and take in her breath's scent.

But there's just no room; this is a small car, and she can barely find a comfortable position for herself. What more with me in the picture?

I still love her, though. Always.