I wrapped the long-sleeved shirt I was wearing this morning around my neck. I've not coughed for hours, and it feels so darned nice!

know what else?

If somebody gave me a scarf for Christmas, I'd give them a big hug. Really.

And I ain't talking about the wussy-looking oversized handkerchief things they have little boys wear in scout meets. I'm talking the knitted, wooly-textured thing. The kind they put around necks of snowmen. The kind that you find in Baguio sometimes, or in Canada most of the time. The type that the crowds of fans in soccer games raise up in the air, showing off the team's colors in solidarity. The sort that you'd NEVER use in hot-as-Hell-almost-all-the-time Manila.

Thing about it. This weather? My health? It's the most logical thing I could ask for. I'd cough less, and I'd shiver less too. And they could be my personal fashion take, given the cold weather. (after all, I'd only wear it when it's cold. like December, when I get sick. and I'd never have to fear December again!)

IN FACT, I've a spontaneous desire to start collecting scarves! Yes. That's right. I'm for collecting one of the arguably the most useless things you can own in the Philippines. I'd love to have a veritable army of neck-warming cloths in my wardrobe someday. :)

NOW, if that scarf was an Arsenal FC scarf, I'd cry. Really. because I've always wanted one. hehehe.

YES, I know they'll be useless for most of the rest of the year. But I can dream, can't I? And I'll keep them safe and warm for ten months (Feb to Nov), and they'll keep me safe for two (Dec and Jan).

Won't you help me make this dream real? Sure you will. :)

I'm blogging here because, quite frankly, I don't think anybody reads this blog anymore. Which is nice. And that's good.

Updates on me for the past few days:

1.) We have a new dog! Our brown Doberman mini-pinsch, Frappy (short for Frappuccino) was collected by our Tita Lou. Something to do with Mom planning to breed dogs for business. Whatever. In the meantime, we have a hybrid shih tzu / terrier (I'm not sure exactly which breed) of around 2 months or so. And it's a boy. And we call hm Dimitri. And he's really cute. And he's been with us for three days now, including today.

Last night, I let him out of the box. He followed me ever so obediently. I missed that kind of dog; when I sit, he waits. When I walk, he gets up and follows. He has really stubby short legs, and has trouble climbing up and down steps, but still will, just so he can follow me. And when we're not doing anything, it didn't try to help or call attention or bounce up and down like Odie out of Garfield. He just slumped on the floor. And tried his best to make like Eeyore and look cute. And it was very endearing because it was cute.

I want to show him off to all of you, whoever still reads this. I am making it a project to take digital photos of him. If you ever spot me with my camera, remind me about the dog.

2.) I'm sick. It's not the life-threatening sick. But it feels like it. I have a sore throat, and speaking to others is a chore. I can't hug people close or kiss them on the cheek when I greet them anymore, even if it's inherent in me to try. Especially since I'm not affectionate to ALL people, but only a select few I love. And not all who I love, I am affectionate to. It's a challenge to try and talk normally. Or to whip out my handkerchief out when I sneeze fast enough.

I still blame the little sleep over the last weekend. I hate this. I used to have a tough constitution, of being able to survive with little to no sleep, be it jet lag or too much food or too much work. Now, I guess as November brings in colder nights, it brings lots of colder, well, colds. Darn. I hate this pattern of mine getting sick near Christmas.

Still, a few sniffles, sneezes and coughs never bothered me too much. It's just that today was Thursday. And there's always a lot of work for my TTH these days. And I don't have the car today, so I'm taking the jeep home. That does not help my healthcare situaion.

3.) Speaking of getting sick, Dad's worried about me again. It's quite sweet, actually. But truth be told, it's a pain being ordered to take medicines that you hate taking when you know they're not the real best cure. I know all I need is lots and lots of sleep, not anti-asthma medication. He thinks the coughing is from blocked airways, when I know it's all just a side-symptom of this influenza. And I've the nerve to say this about a licenced doctor because he's hardly ever done 'tests' to diagnose me. And he hardly does, partly because he's confident he knows his children.

Oh well.

4.) I just finished Stephen Chbosky's "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." I love it to bits. I credit Mindy for introducing me to it. I'm ever so happy I bought this out of my own cash.

Right now, I think I'm forming a small library of sorts with my books. Ever since the Heights Workshop where they gifted us three books, I've been buying lots of stuff. Poetry anythologies, novels, even photocopied versions of classics, I've got.

I want to throw out all the Math and Biology books and the dull, annoying textbooks and stuff I never once used out of my room's bookshelf. I will replace Santrock with Hornby, Quimpo with Kundera, and "Fundamental Calculus" with "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." It will be full of the poems and stories I have learned to love. When right now, those books are in a pile on the floor, and Lola's old Math books are in a shelf, I wish to switch that.

Hell, I'll get to it right now, as soon as I get home.

5.) I went to watch Harry Potter yesterday. It was a Wednesday, and like all Wednesdays, I got out of the house again. Which is jolly good, for its own sake.

I realize now, however, that I so badly want to see some people. Wednesday yesterday wasn't the same. It wasn't a lot of fun; I felt like I wasn't part of it, you know? Like I was really, just looking into a gatering of friends I wasn't exactly a full-fledged member of.

I wonder if that's how some people once felt, when I was with them, and with other people.

Now that thought just makes me sad.

6.) I learned more from my lectures these past few days than ever.

I used to have a strange quirk. I'd go to school real early, and park at the parking lot fronting the football field. I'd watch the sun rise and the people pass by on te walkway beside the field. I'd notice what they'd be wearing to the first class of the day. When I'd had my fill, I'd cross Katipunan and I'd buy breakfast at Jollibee. I'd always get the hot chocolate as my drink, and if I were lucky, they'd give me a copy of the newspaper for free. I'd eat slowly, deliberately.

Then, when I'd have had my fill, but still enough hot chocolate with me, I'd write poems. I'd write and write and write on my notebooks. I'd be happy writing. I'd make about 5 drafts of works on a good day, and 2 or 3 on a not-so-good day. Then I'd get up, stuff my new creations in my bag, and I'd revise them one evening. I'd revise them when I type them in the computer. And I'd be proud that my 'ritual' and the sixty-something pesos for breakfast amounted to something.

I realize that there is value in the rituals we keep. They frame our thoughts and our feelings. They show us what how serious we are about what we'll do. They show us what really is imporant, because we do the trivial things first. They help us keep rites; they are good habits.

I want to go to Jollibee Katipunan tomorrow morning. I will go there. Because I will write.

Anybody who comes with me will be welcome. :)

I hate you and love you all at the same time now, Mindy.
For now, you have shared with me and opened my eyes to a book that is quickly kicking so much ass, it's replacing each of all my favorites!



----excerpt excerpt exceprt----------

Inside the card, I told Sam that the present I gave her was given to me by my Aunt Helen. It was an old 45 record that had the Beatles' song "Something." I used to listen to it all the time when I was little and thinking about grown-up things. I would go to my bedroom window and stare at my reflection in the glass and the trees behind it and just listen to the song for hours. I decided then that when I met someone I thought as beautiful as the song, I should give it to that person. And I didn't mean beautiful on the outside. I meant beautiful in all ways. So I was giving it to Sam.

Sam looked at me soft. And she hugged me. And I closed my eyes because I wanted to know nothing but her arms. And she kissed my cheek and whispered so nobody could hear.

"I love you."

I know that she meant it in a friend way, but I didn't care because it was the third time since my Aunt Helen died that I heard it from anyone. The other two times were from my mom.

After that, I couldn't believe that Sam actually got me a present, because I honestly thought that the "I love you" was it. But she did get me a present. And for the first time, something nice like that made me smile and not cry. I guess Sam and Patrick went to the same thrift store because their gifts were together. She tok me to her room and stood me in front of her dresser, which was coveredin a pillowcase with pretty colors. She lifted off the pillowcase, and there I was, standing in my old suit, looking at an old typewriter with a fresh ribbon. Inside the typewriter was a piece of white paper.

On that piece of white paper, Sam wrote, "Write about me sometime." And I typed something back to her, standing right there in her bedroom. I just typed.

"I will."

And I felt good that those were the first two words that I ever typed on my new old typewriter that Sam gave me. We just sat there quiet for a moment, and she smiled. And I moved to the typewriter again, and I wrote something.

"I love you, too."

And Sam looked at the paper, and she looked at me.

"Charlie...have you ever kissed a girl?"

I shook my head no. It was so quiet.

"Not even when you were little?"

I shook my head no again. And she looked very sad.

She told me about the first time she was kissed. She told me that it was with one of her dad's friends. She was seven. And she told nobody about it except Mary Elizabeth and then Patrick a year ago. And she started to cry. And she said something that I won't forget. Ever.

"I know that you know that I like Craig. And I know that I told you not to think of me that way. And I know that we can't be together like that. But I want to forget all those things for a minute. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you. Okay?"

"Okay." She was crying even harder now. And I was, too, because when I hear something like that I just can't help it.

"I just want to make sure of that. Okay?"

"Okay."

And she kissed me. It was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.


----------------


You were right: this book is fucking brilliant. And I am so grateful.

current music: Get Down Saturday Night - Oliver Cheatham

The Great Miss Manalo Post!

Intro: Every summer at LnK, we write out a description of our 'ideal' mates, and we have dubbed them as our "Miss Manalo" (for guys) or "Mister Manalo" (for girls and those-who-would-be-girls). And every summer, I notice I tended to change my preferences. Thing is, I miss the LnK'ers sick (I won't see them until Christa's party or later), and I decided to post this on our much-unused "online LnK logbook". And so here we have it: my Miss Manalo.

WANTED: ISANG 'MISS MANALO' PARA KAY RAPH

Single, Catholic, Filipino female, 5'3" or taller, aged 16 - 24 (or, simply put, not too old) who can deal with the eccentricities of a soon-to-be Creative Writing graduate of the Ateneo de Manila, who, while not the most handsome man in the world, is a pretty decent guy, with much potential and a lot to offer. No prior job experience of having boyfriends required.

Must have great sense of humor and very beautiful voice. Must love vegetarian food (or should be at least willing to give it a shot), good literature, good music, good films, dogs and Raph's family. Interests should ideally include (but not strictly limited to) music, poetry, theater, coffee, Third World debt relief, soccer and watching sunsets. Must be good with children, or at least, will be good with children someday. Abillity to sing and/or dance and/or act also a major plus, but not wholly necessary.

Applicant must be open to spontaneous acts of random sweetness and/or thoughtfulness for no apparent reason, even when pissed off or experiencing a hangover. Insensitive and un-appreciative behavior as well as any cynicism observed from applicants will be noted for future reference.

Being good with people, involvement in performing arts (theater, music, etc) or experience in Days with the Lord are a plus. All willing applicants must be able to appreciate dry, sarcastic comedy, and would be able to keep up when conversations border on the intellectual. Should be willing and open to share personal beliefs, but not too pushy advocating them. Abillity to be discuss any topic from God, to sex, to the weather, to food, to sports, to politics, to family life, to how-their-day-was would be ideal.

Illiterates, non-readers, smokers, sex workers and drug addicts need not apply. All applicants who do not meet the height of 5'3", or are older than Raph by 10 years or more must request a meeting with Raph for prior approval. All applicants with overbearing (interfering) parents must also seek prior approval. No outward appearances of Chinese-Filipino descent necessary; that's for the other Doval-Santos son.

Wide hips and morena skin are also percieved advantages, along with looking nice in glasses.

Applicants must have read, or at least heard of the required readings: "The Little Prince," "The Alchemist," "The Prophet", the works of Gaiman, Hornby, Neruda, Asimov, or any 3 distinguished poets and/or fictionists. Familiarity with authors, films and musicians that Raph is not familiar with, and vice versa is a percieved advantage.

All potentials must be understanding if dates do not exceed in expense of PhP 350 (as Raph doesn't have a high-paying job yet), or if gifts are of the variety that cannot be found in any store. Participation in these events is a must; coming up with ideas for future plans would be ideal. Must like Raph's cooking, as he is willing to do this a lot. Street-smarts are a must (experience commuting, how to fend of pick-up artists, etc).

Raph has indicated to us that he is willing to change in any which way that suits chosen applicant's needs (ie: learning how to play guitar, taking on a new fashion sense, etc), provided that it does not violate his morals and principles (ie: promiscuity, drug abuse, shoplifting, bands like Cueshe, etc). Applicant should be able to bring out best in Raph; examples vary, but commonly found in improved overall well-being.

Experience as fashion model not necessary; it's not a beauty pageant anyway. It would, however help applicant if she looked pretty when she smiles.

Because it is Raph's hope he'll be the one who'll make her do a lot of that. ü

current music: Hiling - Paramita


I can't help but feel like it's me. That it's my fault. Because I'm like that, you know.

Honestly, I never, NEVER agreed to what they said. I did not believe a word they said.

Because the person they took the pains to say would hurt me one day was not the person I had come to know all this time, not the one I had learned to trust. And it wasn't fair for them to decide who it was I would pick to come near me, the way I picked them, once.

Why lie about a thing like that?

And believe me, as damaged as ties with them are, I knew fighting with them, not speaking to them was worth it. Because I would never stand to hear some shit tossed about people dear to me.

That's what happened. You can take that to heaven.

And yes. Nothing's changed how I see you. Nothing has, nothing will.

Basta ikaw.

PS:

and yes. I did like you. and it was at a time I was after somebody else. thus, the secret, and it was not serious anyway. so I never told anybody, save for a small handful of people.

I guess I picked the wrong people to trust. And since they knew that, they went off and told me so, hoping I'd not go through with it.

But know, I never regret trusting you.


--------

Kung ito ang iyong hiling
gaano man kasakit sa akin
ibibigay sa yo...

current music: Ain't No Sunshine - Bobby Blue Band

Sem Break is Starting To Suck

I am home alone tonight. My folks and siblings went to Tagaytay. I decided not to go. The beach is never fun when it's rainy like these days. And I wanted to hear mass today, Sunday, which is something I know I WON'T be able to do if I ride with them. Now, it's nighttime, and I'm still stuck with insomnia. Yeah. I can't get no sleep.

I have taken it upon myself to download all sorts of music c/o Limewire and BitTorrent. Trance music. House music. Chill-out. Disco. Reggae. 70's. 80's. 90's. Musicals. Opera. Instrumentals. Live performances. Movie soundtracks. With Nick Hornby's High Fidelity as a starter's guide, I'm slowly navigating the world of music I've never listened to, that nobody in the family listens to.

I don't think it's a very definitive, one-stop-shop type of collection. I like to treat it like a decent salad; a little bit of every little thing.

Apart from that, I'll be frank and honest, because it's only on this very blog I am able to be frank and honest:

I'M LEARNING TO HATE SEMBREAK.

Okay. It was fun the first week, being able to go skating with the block, or to bargain hunt in booksales here and there, to watch "Lord of War" with my family, or to sit back and read the new books. It was okay last week, where I had a lot on my hands preparing for A-Days, and for the weekend itself, where I was thoroughly busy.

But now? A week after with nothing to do? God.

I think there's this part of me that's hard-wired in my system that demands I be utilized. I always need to do something. Thing is, I've been unable to write anything decent other than the odd post here and there, and these old video games aren't cutting it. I've lost my appetite for TV a long time ago (apart from 'Mad About You' reruns), there are no new videos in the house to watch, there are too many books that aren't fun to read (like those Physics and Chem textbooks my folks hoarded for us when we were all in Pisay). The books that would have been fun, I don't have clearance to touch, because they belong to my sister.

I hate these extended, enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks that last for weeks on end. Sure, I relish the fact that I won't have to wake up very early in the morning to troop to school, drive for my siblings in the afternoon, and sleep late at night to wrap up work. I'm grateful that I don't have to face any of my profs, or have to mooch off groupmates or carry lazy groupmates mooching off me. I'm happy I don't need to be in a state of eternally playing catch-up because I'm lax in my readings, or that I have to stress myself over an oral exam coming in three days, back-to-back with another on a different subject within the next hour.

Still. I can't say I like enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks like these. It was bad enough I didn't get to go to the LnK lunch out. Now, it's terrible, how I sit here wasting away.

I'm jealous of people in Australia. For them, vacation times last for no greater than 2 weeks, but they take place at least three times in a term. Every two or three weeks of school, they'll get a "cool off" break, which lasts for a week or two. Then it's back to work. It's perfect! It's just enough time to have fun, but hardly too long for things to drag!

I mean, look at my life right now! I sleep at 3 AM, I get up at noon, I sit around in front of a PC for the afternoon, and do the sporadic jogging or basketball trip here and there. Meantime, at the back of my head, nag the following chores:

1.) Faci sign-ups for ACP
2.) My ADMU Law letters
3.) Jihan's play: casting, directing, rehearsing, setting up the set
4.) A31
5.) My last semester in Ateneo, which, heaven forbid, just might not be the last if things go to shit.
6.) My class sched.
7.) My own thesis, which looks disasterrific.
8.) My dream of submitting to this call for contribs which I nicked off Kael's blog.

All these things are stuck in my head. No amount of Civilization III or NBA Live can rub them out. Even time I've been spending with the Dayzers hasn't cleared my head; they only complicate matters because I have to consider how I'll fit time with them with the time I have to spend on those aforementioned events.

I want to stop being paranoid. I want to believe that everything will turn out okay. But I can't, because it demands faith that, unlike faith in God, has a real and painful possibility of letting me down.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to sit here doing nothing but play video games and stare at the ceiling while I worry. I don't want to have nothing to do. I don't want to feel useless.

I want to stop missing my friends. Already I can't bear the thought of being unable to see people. I still have books to return to people like Jeb. I still owe Patty a copy of Pirates!, after all this time. I already want to tell DenRocs of my newfound love for Faithless, and my slow delving into the world of electronic music, which she loves. I miss picking on the quirks of my friends. I miss the Pubroom. I miss the library and being able to borrow books to read for free. I miss reading good poetry. I miss Kaingin, my old crush there, my kids that I used to teach (although I DON'T miss some people there)..

I miss LnK. I miss my kids. I miss my co-tutors. I miss being able to daydream about perfect people we could look for, set each other up for dates for each other, and comparing notes along the way. I miss laughing with my kids about inside jokes only we knew over the course of a summer.

I miss Block E. I miss playing cards, fortune-telling, listening to them gossip while I silently scribble on notebooks. I miss reading for scripts, planning for gimmiks, and making Xander's job that much harder. I miss the feeling of belonging I get when I'm with them that I never got out of any org I've ever joined.

I miss my old blockmates. I miss Jemjem's brand of comedy. I miss Pao's steady, level-headed perspective on everything. I miss playing cards with those blokes. I miss the girls who I hardly ever got to speak to because they were always out with Gabay instead of the ASG. I miss the two "Marks", and their simple, charming way of conversation. I miss them, even though I've been celebrating ever since I left them.

I miss James and Fritz. I've not spent a day together with those two in over eight months! I miss our 'high council' gatherings, our 'o, kumusta na?' talks which are always, always full of new things to share. I miss talking to Fritz about the lates games and techie things and his life as an up-and-coming programmer, and I miss James updating me on being a future environmentalist, and how things are with his girlfriend. I miss being the 'glue person', the link between two different worlds. I miss the days when we could hatch plans of just getting away from it all, just the three of us.

I terribly, terribly miss lunch outs with with Jihan and Mela, never no mind if they may be responsible for my heart's unhealthy state, given the food we eat. I love those two dearly, and would do anything for them.

I miss Jihan. I miss jogging in Ateneo. I miss planning for her play, recounting stories she could use in plays. I miss her input on books and movies we both loved. I miss her sage wisdom in times of confusion. I miss how it was always so, so easy to talk to her, how my jokes always seem to work and how I know all my secrets are safe with her.

I miss Mela. I miss lending her books, buying her crap, driving her from place to place. I miss hanging out with my family with her as guest. I miss her opinions and observations, all rife with poems and stories. I miss how she'd always challenge me to raise the bar on my daily life, how she'd stress"anything worth doing should be done well". I miss following with her schemes.

Yes. I know all things pass. I just wish they'd happen sooner. I just wish I don't have to feel like this anymore: untapped and useless.

current music: Landslide - Smashing Pumpkins

Yes, I'm in a Smashing Pumpkins kind of phase. In a strange way, their sound is almost sort of the root of all emo. Hehehe. :p

This song, however, I love so much. And to think I only learned of it last Sunday.


Smashing Pumpkins - Landslide

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I'm getting older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

current music: In Demand - Texas

Nagkwentuhan kami ni Tish sa Days noong Sabado. Riot! Tila sa kanya ko talaga makukwento ang "plight of being thought of as gay" na mayroon siyang karanasan dun. hahaha!

We went about talking of love lives, how mine went through the usual cycles, and hers seemed to hit dead ends.

May isa siyang sinabi sakin siya.

"Raph, yung sa 'yo kasi, ikaw yung tipong lalaking sineseryoso."

Nataranta ako dun. Ano ibig sabihin nun?

"Kasi kunwari, pinatulan ko kita, mapapa-'off the market' na talaga ako! Kasi ganun kang klaseng guy: sineseryoso."

I felt utterly humbled and dumbstruck and flattered and touched. Tish, salamat.

current music: In Demand - Texas

Wahoo!

I'm back from staffing for A-Days.

More on it to follow.

For now, rest.

current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Try, Try, Try (alternative version)

Pop tart, what's the matter
Did you lose... what you're after?
For your tears I'm still singing
For your fears, I am ringing
From Houston on a downer buzz
Like you said, It's just because
You'll detonate your long lost kisses
Wished on the eve of forgotten blessings
So start your way for some new impression

That try to hold on
To this heart a little bit stronger
Try to hold on
with this love aloud
Try to hold on
For this heart has never been broken
Try to hold on
Try to hold on

Pop tart, did you flatter
When they spoke... of my disasters
At 13, I lost my compass
But I'm sure, it's all accomplished
As desires on my ghost trains
Like you said when it rains
It pours down the back of the bitter son
Desperate for love and loves everyone
In my mother's arms, no simple harm

Conspires to hold on
To this heart
A little bit closer
Try to hold on
To this love aloud
Try to hold on
And we know
If we go under
We just can't let go
No, no

Pop tart, will it matter?
If I lose and just shatter
Will you cry, and keep crying
Will I die, and keep dying
In Tokyo, the sad tragic blues
Like you said, it's how you use
'Cause someday we'll know if this even matters
Our rings and maze and simplicity
When can we laugh and take all the credit

And know we'll go free
With our hearts a little bit stronger
Try to hold on
For this love aloud
Try to hold
For this heart's a little bit frightened
Just try to hold on

Just try to hold on
Just try

I will remain with you, no matter what the fuck they say.

current music: The Tide - The Spill Canvas

You know how in Finding Neverland, Johnny Depp's character, J.M. Barrie was, at every turn, frustrated by people who didn't approve of the company he kept?

I understand completely.

I HATE it when people judge my friends. I HATE it when they say "Wag kang lalapit diyan! Be careful!"

I love you all for your concern, and how you worry about me.

But please. I'm not scared.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/heaven_spawn/164402.html

I realized one thing:

I don't give a fuck about what others say anymore. Bahala na ang pride.

This post is dedicated to you...

- For always making sure that I dress nice, eat healthy, stand with good posture, look clean, take my medicine, remember to tip waiters, refrain from cutting class and the like, and for worrying sometimes when I don't do so.

- For laughing at my jokes when nobody else seems to think them funny, and for giving them at least a smile when you don't really think them funny either.

- For trying to give me suggestions to make me look cooler to my siblings's eyes, a favor I still cannot find repayment for.

- For taking the pains to look good and smell nice when we do the lunch outs with our friends. (And mind you, I notice it even when I don't say anything.)

- For showing me the 'spectator sport' of people-watching.

- For your acts of thoughtfulness, like plastic wrapping a book I loaned you (in secret, no less).

- For being the pulse of our 'gimiks,' always with the funniest jokes, the wittiest wisecracks and the best ideas on what to do next.

- For the vial of your perfume, of which I love and use very very sparingly when I need a really sweet scent.

- For that afternoon in Megamall, at the drop of a hat, and the company for dinner after.

- For accompanying me to Makati, even when you weren't feeling so good.

- For shooting photos for my Theo group in Cubao, with your very cool camera.

- For trusting me with that camera, when you left it behind once, and I found it.

- For finding real, concrete answers to my problems, be they insomnia, or repairing book damage, or lack of funds when we eat out.

- For not being a total priss, and admitting to faults when applicable.

- For being so cute when I try to pay you compliments, or when you're "sabog".

- For always coming up with the most amazing ideas, insights and observations, which I find deep and profound.

- For being so nice to my family, especially when you don't have to. And for the concern you show for their well-being that hardly any other friend (not even some of my closest, oldest friends) seem to have for them.

- For joining us on our trip to Tagaytay, even if Jihan couldn't come along.

- For keeping my secrets.

- For trusting me with yours.

- For being so open with your thoughts that I treasure.

- For never saying "no" when I try to be nice to you out of the blue.

- For never taking advantage of my chivalry. Not once.

- For liking my cooking.

- For broadening my horizons with new music, new books, new movies to watch, and for being a sounding board about what you think about them.

- For trusting me with books, and stupendous books at that.

- For teaching me a thing or two about caring for my dogs, and enlivening a newfound love for them.

- For brightening up everyday, just with your 'infectuous spontaneity'.

- For being so patient with me, being a guy and all, and for thinking me as different from the many men out there.

- For being you, and for all the times I've spent with you.

Thank you for everything.

And I miss you dearly. These days aren't the same, I say.

I pulled off a tarot card reading somewhere. Ito daw sabi sakin.


how you feel about yourself now

You feel that despite the challenges you have been faced with in the past, present or future, you will find the strength and courage to succeed. Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top. If you are looking to give up any bad habits, such as smoking or drinking for example, this is a good time to do it.

what you most want at this moment

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is absolute change, to end what you no longer want and start anew. You desire to transform your career or your love life, perhaps your whole lifestyle in general. However catastrophic such changes could be, embracing them will only make you grow in wisdom and experience.

your fears

You are fearful of the future and rather lacking in self-belief - you are afraid your hopes will be dashed. Well don’t be, this is your wish card - a time of joy and fulfilment. Good health, possibly after a time of illness, and good fortune that will give you a new zest of life. If considering a new love affair, new job or career, or travel, then go for it. You may also receive a gift or gifts!

what is going for you

This is an exciting time with much potential for fun and good times. Your confidence should be high, it's a great time for new possibilities. If you are considering leaving your job, home or relationship, in time you will. An unexpected desire will be fulfilled, even before you express it!

what is going against you

Insecurity is a devil that taunts us but only if we listen to that ‘doubting Thomas’ we all have in our heads. Ignore it. What do your instincts tell you? Perhaps you don’t like what they say? Well you could always go against your instincts, but we all know what that leads to don’t we!

outcome

A time for taking stock, an end to an era or phase of your life and brand new opportunities appearing. An opportunity will present itself that must not be ignored and it could have far reaching implications, changing your life for the better. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

current music: Stars - Hungry Young Poets

**WARNING**
Super Bangang/Senti Post Ahead
Turn Back Now!

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Ganito kasi yun.

I had a short talk last night with Jihan regarding The Little Prince. I find that the story is rich and resonant, no matter how old or young you are. Like Mela once told me, it's the sort of book you ought to read every four or so years, just to remind you of what's there.

I decided to reread it this morning, while waiting for class. Yes, I almost cried. The only thing that kept me from sobbing was the fact that I was surrounded by so many people in the CTC CompLab.

It was no different from the day Mark Yebra endorsed the book. The familiar feelings were there, all over again, even though they weren't for the same people.

Yes, it was like 3rd year high school over again, sobbing over a sad, sad evening, featuring, ironically, a person in red who would be the first real rose of them all.

So, to the roses, past and present, I love you.
To the foxes, it is for you I still choose to live and keep on striving. Thank you.

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Here's a short summary of the reflections I've come up with. Many of them are from Sir Niel as relayed to me by Jihan. Many others, I stumbled onto. I will not say it's the best, comprehensive guide to it, and if you've not read it, turn back because you might complain I'm spoiling the story. Rest assured, the magic is in the book and how it's written, so even if you do read this, you won't miss out.


The Little Prince - Everybody, at least once in their life is like the Prince. Everybody has that child-like quality of seeing what's invisible. In our lives, we all love as selflessly as the Prince, at one point or another.

The Pilot - He is like the Prince, except he's all grown up. Here, we see what was once childlike, and how the world has molded him, with all the cynics and the doubters and all that. There is the fear, the doubt, the need to attend to what are "matters of consequence," but there is still that child gently knocking at the door.

The Snake - People who offer "an easy way out." We all should be wary of them.

The King - People who believe the world must revolve around themselves, and see that what they say goes. They are proud, and are in denial of their own shortcomings.

The Vain Man - People who demand the attention and admiration of others, particularly because there's really nothing special about them. They seek this attention because of that.

The Businessman - People who see the world as nothing but means to an end. Everything's something to be won, bought or traded in their eyes. Their primary goal is to look out for themselves first.

The Drunkard - People who cannot move on from their own self-pity. They seek some kind of solace by running away from their problems instead of facing them down.

The Lamplighter - People driven with by a sense of duty, by a sense of doing the greater good, but leave nothing for themselves. They burn out. They give and give, but leave nothing for themselves.

The Geographer - People who are too lazy to do work for themselves. They are also the biggest skeptics; they'll never believe unless they see proof. They do not explore and discover things for themselves, but would rather have somebody else do that for them. There is no wonder in their lives.

The Rose - People we love, but don't know how to return the love. That's not to say they don't love you. They just are, perhaps, too proud. They know how to take the love, but giving is difficult. They make our lives wonderful, but painful all the same.

The Fox - People who teach us what really matters. People who come and disappear in our lives, and leave impressions forever. They love you, and you love them, no matter how different you are.


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And all
I am
is grateful for the stars
which are you
when they shine
oh they shine oh they shine
oh they shine
in my sky...
-Stars, HYP

Call me selfish, but I don't want this semsester to end.

Because it'd mean I'll only have less than five months to spend with everybody.

:(

current music: Crazy for You - Sponge Cola

I didn't exactly have it great the past two days. This poem is for all the people who have been hurt, whom I feel so powerless to help.

Rare Lines from One Accustomed to Writing What's Said to Be Obscure Poetry
Emmanuel Lacaba

Because I sing no more,
Speak to the point no more
(Neither is today's lyric fashion),

There are days I stand by doors,
Wish I could play the guitar,
Had more future as a painter,

Enjoyed gardening, or had
A wife before the night's lovemaking
to caress. A fist of cowards I

(Whom other people call an educated man)
Who cannot drop a glass, hurl stones at panes,
Throw chairs around.

current music: Only - Nine Inch Nails

I am crazy, crazy, crazily in awe of the video for Only - Nine Inch Nails. Hwow. And it's made with such sharp thought!

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I've had a long, yet sweet day. It's up there, definitely, although it didn't start right.

You see, the other day, my kid brother got into a car accident. He took some groupmates to McDonald's. He was handing food to the people seated at the back, when he didn't realize the car was in gear, and his foot wasn't on the brakes. The car lurched forward. When he slammed the brakes, he had already hit the back of a car.

This was yesterday, and the man he hit (who I found out today was a 75-year old former Barangay captain of Loyola Heights) didn't really get mad nor press charges. But the incident has stirred very 'protective' sentiments, and has advised us to use public transportation for the next few days. Especially since my brother had not asked permission to drive to McDo (which is walking distance from school) and that the LTO papers in the car are somehow, strangely missing.

So there. I took the jeep today. If I stank and I offended sensibilities, my apologies. And in advance, as well. I worry this'll be a trend for a few days.

And to think I had to brave the rain and accident-prone and mugging-prone commuting in order to make it early for an uninspiring Theology lecture, where we did nothing but elaborate on how terrible the state of my country is.

-----

That aside, I had lunch with the gang this afternoon. Haha. Ice cream and spaghetti always tastes better with good company. And so will any future adventures, which I look forward to with relish.

Now it's Jihan's storytelling, my directing, Mela's technical vision and RJ's management (SM siya!) that will get this thing going. And of course, brilliant work from our soon-to-be performers. :)

Yes, I am scared like hell with regards to the many-tiered complications that will go hand-in-hand with the production of Jihan's work. I, however, am happy to be part of this. It's gonna rock.

That is, so long as the four of us go hand in hand too.

---------

I thought I saw somebody from way, way back while Mela and myself were talking.

I wonder. I hope I was unnoticed. If only because I fear more arguments. (Because that's what we were always good at: disagreeing). If only because it's not easy to face your past and your regrets.

But then again, what does one do when he or she sees a ghost? Nothing, right? So what can I do? It's a misplaced page of an old chapter. It has no place in my present anymore.

Even if, in another, younger time, place and age, I'd have pushed back time's pace with all I had to go and make it so.

current music: You're Beautiful - James Blunt

Oy, sinong may alam kung magkaano ang bagong speakers? Nakaka-asar na't hindi na ako makakinig ng music ng matino! :s

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In other news, I am quite delighted that somebody's wish, after years of waiting has been fulfilled. hehehe.

I am happy to find closure in all this. I can now close this chapter once and for all. (unless something comes up again, as usual.)

current music: Do for Love - Tupac Shakur

Your Brain's Pattern

You're a simple thinker, and this is actually a very good thing. You don't complicate matters when you don't have to. You look for the simplest explanation or solution, and you go with that. As a result, your mind is uncluttered and free of stress.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?