I've been soaking up a lot of pop culture lately. It's a nice, somewhat odd feeling. It gives me stuff to think about, right before I lay to sleep. Well, if I DID sleep. I hardly get a wink these days.
One friend wrote on his blog that if he had one thing he could do before he died, his answer was "to be a vigilante for a day". I found that rather amusing - the craze over Batman is high following "The Dark Knight", and then there's also my rereading of the book "Watchmen" by Alan Moore. Both works, while very different in approach and theme, hit at one common yarn: how a hero isn't perfect, how he has weaknesses, and how those his or her heroism is not what the world need.
I, for one, think that we'd need a hero one of these days.
Last Tuesday (to my best knowledge), an Atenean by the name of Tara Santeciles, Batch 2007, took a jeep home when she was mugged. The brigands did not just take her things - they shot her in the head as they made off. It was the eve of her 23rd birthday.
She spent her birthday in Medical City's ICU, a bullet in her brain. She's still unconscious, on life support, and doctors debate on whether or not surgery can help her.
I first got this newsfeed from Nikki, one of my friends from A-Days. People who've met Nikki can attest to her being a bright and positive force. Shortly after hearing this news, she was shocked at how people could be so cruel to do something like that. Depressed doesn't cut it - she began to wonder why we should bother to hope for humanity.
It's one dark story, among other things I've noticed lately. Is it a sign of the times? I hear nothing but news of how gas is driving prices higher, how fighting in Mindanao has resumed, how Russians back separatists in Georgia, and how amid the spirit of unity in the Olympics, one man killed a coach of the US volleyball team before jumping to his death.
In my immediate friends, I hear rumors of how upset others are at one another. I hear varying reports on who's upset with whom, and for whatever reasons. It affects how we come together - I can't remember the last time I was at a party when some people didn't leave early to avoid the arrival of other people expected to show up. Some others find it harder to keep conversation for more than "hi's and hello's" - as though being associated with me were some kind of terrible thing to avoid.
At home, my own brother has forsworn any ties to me, and I, frankly have stopped caring. Nobody, not my sister nor my parents, dare mention his name around me, and me to him. We treat the area around one another as empty, dead space.
I remembered "The Dark Knight" and "Watchmen" - both illustrated how the people of the world were in a sort of sinking ship together. We see how the world spirialling into disaster, brought out "what people are really like". How, at the end, there are no puppet strings that control everything. It's only the random, nebulous happenstance of empty existence, and that we impose our own truth to it, because we can't accept that there isn't anything behind it at all.
What could I say to the people who are in this spiral of despair?
Shouldn't it be, that even as the world is heading to shit, we should do something? What little we could do anyway? After all, in the end, even if it's all going to be futile, we ought to have done what we could. Shouldn't that be how it's supposed to be? That we don't compromise. That we know what we stand up for, and what we find non-negoitable. And that we stick by it, even if it hurts, even if it's painful to stick by it. That we must never try to "pragmatize" morals, because then, as my Constitution professor put it, we prostitute ourselves for something less that what we really value.
I don't have a lot of answers. I just take you halfway, and you swim the rest.
Monday, July 21, 2008
WARNING: This will be long, and badly written.
On the way home after a late Saturday night out with the Dayzers (Rakstar ka Joshua!) Ben offered to buy me breakfast (yeah, it was REAL late) in exchange of me driving him home. Fair deal.
(Kate, this was after we got you home, stealth-ninja-style.)
One of the things we talked about was my kid brother, and how he's been M.I.A. on a lot of these awesome parties. So, I had to tell him what had been going on, as it's hit a 'new low' so to speak.
[I'm writing this narrative for the same reasons that I write poetry, and short prose: so I won't forget. So I can sleep better. And if I don't wake up, so that there's gonna be something here to remember me by.]
Three Saturdays ago, as I got home from a rather delightful day at Kendo, Roel sat me down to talk. He said it was 'something I did'.
He told me that he called this girl (who we will hide behind the letters J.L.) on the phone to greet her 'happy birthday' and the conversation broke into an argument. He asked her why she's been so cold to him. She replied with an anecdote of how 'a guy named Doval was stalking her cousin'.
You see, my brother's in love with this girl for a while. They were acquaintances a few years ago, but despite my brother's most earnest actions (flowers and such), she had to say no to him. There's a laundry list of reasons why: her Chinese family, her parents' rules, her then-impending move to Australia, other boys, her work as a model and 'standards', lots of reasons. We know little for certain of how close they were - he keeps his cards close on that one.
Many people would learn from this, and restart with somebody new. But like every good Doval-Santos child does, he never gave up. He kept carrying that torch high. While we liked how he'd suddenly act all inspired-like, we saw anomalies. Like, how songs he wrote started to sound 'awkward', like how somebody just blurt out they "find you sexy" in front of your parents awkward. Then we saw the PC hard drive was cluttered with pictures of her (last check as something like 100MB of pics, from Friendster and Multiply.). Then there were those notebooks littered weird poems we didn't care to read anymore (one was left behind in the car once when I took it, and thank God my companions knew it wasn't my handwriting). Then there was the 'shrine'.
Needless to say, we found it fucking creepy. And this had been going on since... hmm. Since I was in 3rd or 4th year college, if I remember. It just kept going!
None of us sibs could get through to him about it. He was quite combative about anything we said, and he took to us like a bull to a matador's cape. We tried to get our parents to intervene, and they always said "oh, it'll be ok," or the staple "that's not your job to do that, Raph."
I kept my mouth shut, as free hard drive space disappeared slowly, or how his weird songs would fill our house. He'd be happy one day, and then depressed and brooding and playing DotA alone another. He'd sidestep any constructive criticism - how his songs sounded, how he dressed, anything - and even call us 'insulting' him and 'not supporting him'. He'd charge us of talking behind his back. He demanded we didn't interfere, and scuttled any offer to help.
So we stopped - we left him alone, and we didn't try to help. Still, it kept going, and the girl still kept shaking him off, or hiding, or dodging phone calls. One time she had her kuya sic on him and over the phone he gave my brother a piece of his mind. Real awful day, that was.
He started to change his ways, somehow since then. He sort of toned down - he locked himself in the computer room with loud love songs playing and her picture on screen no more. He put away the magazine clippings and the flowers off his desk that made the shrine. He kept talking about 'trying to move on,' while trying out acting classes, and modeling workshops or all that.
December, he said he wanted to go to med school. You have no idea how overjoyed my parents were at that news, given that my sister and myself seriously do not want to take up my father's practice. While we all were scurrying around helping him study for NMAT, or to look for a school that would accept him without Biology units, he wasn't all so excited - he was glum. It was not the look of somebody who "found his purpose" as he said. He often nodded, and looked away. He looked like somebody who was in for Death Row.
He looked like me, February '07, staring down law school grade deficits and rapid inspiration loss.
Months passed and we thought everything was gonna be okay. He would reassure us that he was done with the girl, that he "had to prepare for his new life". The creepy pictures were still on the hard drive, but he looked so absorbed in medicine. He looked slightly more cheerful (although maybe the NBA playoffs had something to do with that). I was ready to think that maybe he had turned a corner, like he kept promising us he would.
Until, of course, the story of "Doval" allegedly "stalking her cousin".
That cousin was somebody I liked back in the day. WAAAAY back 1st and 2nd year college. Somebody I tried to woo, and somebody who also said 'no' to me.
Who knew?
I was shocked by this turn, because as far as I knew, myself and that girl (whom we shall hide under the initials A.K. hehe) were, and still are, very good friends. Yes, in spite of her father getting angry at my phone calls, and how her friends were, at times, tense, even hostile to me, we actually got along pretty good.
And I fell for her then for a very good reason: she was a genuinely sweet, caring person, for everybody she knew. It was hard not to like A.K. How such a sharply painful story - stalking - could come from her was out of this world. It sounded too much like J.L. using something, anything, as an excuse to shoo him away after four years of dogged pursuit.
Roel would have none of that, for "he didn't know that bitch" as spoke in his frenzied pace. He was up in my face, the way a desperate man begs. "You have to help me. You have to do something about this. You have to fix this." And he keeps begging me to talk to A.K., and get her to tell his crush how he's really a nice guy, who wants to know her cousin better. That he loves her, and wants the best for her.
I was appalled - "I thought you were through with this?" I asked.
"I'm not FUCKING done with J----. I went to med school because her current boyfriend is a doctor! And that she wants a doctor for a boyfriend!". (And how he got that last bit of info while they were not in touch was just too much.)
I tried to get myself some elbow room. I hadn't heard from A.K. in months. I had lost her phone number with my old phone. I kept her at YM, but she's a career woman, and often away at meetings and working. I had never been to her house. I wasn't friends with her friends (see above).
"If you love me, if you''re really my brother, you'd clean up this mess you made."
It's hard to describe what you feel when your kid brother tells you something like this. Especially given how you knew it's not your fault. What I did let on was anger. I snapped at him, I yelled, I was insulted and let him know not to question me as his elder brother. All of that. He backed away, like a tiger backs slowly from a hissing snake, with a snarl and hard eye contact.
My principles would win out. We talked Monday, and A.K., true to form, was really gracious about it. The YM transcript is still here. She agreed with me that something may have been said wrong. She said she'll talk to her cousin, J.L., when she could to help sort it out. I even joked "for all we know, it might have been me! but that was ages ago, right?" and she said, "oo, tagal na nun. and you weren't a stalker."
With smiles and all, we though this was over. I tell Roel - thinking he'd be content.
Roel then went on a barrage of questions - what did she say, what will she do, did you tell her to tell J---- that I love her? - and I was quite annoyed. I calmly, softly replied, "they'll talk. and we'll see."
His tone changed to resentment. He then said something about how I was to blame for 'ruining his life'.
2 days later, my Dad calls me aside as I was on my way to the kitchen. Roel was there, and he looked despondent. My father heads me off, and told me the scoop: J.L. and Roel talked again. And she's threatening my brother with a restraining order. I am instructed to "give him space". The effort Dad has taken lately to keep us from being in the same room together shows how serious this may be.
We have not talked, and I have lost count of the days.
It's dragged on for this long, and in my heart of hearts, I know I'm clear. I know that I'm not the one who obsesses over someone who shovels back nothing but shit.
This has gone far too long, and now, I'm starting to rue introducing him to my other friends. To wit, he told me he liked one of my closest friends, (one whom, I myself find quite enchanting) and now I worry silently when I see him try to talk to her. I'm scared this awful fiasco with his crush may repeat. And I don't want that, because if he messes with her, fuck 'brotherhood', I'm kicking his ass. (and besides, he showed me what being a brother means to him anyway.)
Ben asked me, "If it's not your job, whose is it?" and I didn't know what to say. He's right, you know. It's a job that's gotta get done. And get done soon.
I'm tired, and I don't know what to do. Lord, I don't know what to do.
On the way home after a late Saturday night out with the Dayzers (Rakstar ka Joshua!) Ben offered to buy me breakfast (yeah, it was REAL late) in exchange of me driving him home. Fair deal.
(Kate, this was after we got you home, stealth-ninja-style.)
One of the things we talked about was my kid brother, and how he's been M.I.A. on a lot of these awesome parties. So, I had to tell him what had been going on, as it's hit a 'new low' so to speak.
[I'm writing this narrative for the same reasons that I write poetry, and short prose: so I won't forget. So I can sleep better. And if I don't wake up, so that there's gonna be something here to remember me by.]
Three Saturdays ago, as I got home from a rather delightful day at Kendo, Roel sat me down to talk. He said it was 'something I did'.
He told me that he called this girl (who we will hide behind the letters J.L.) on the phone to greet her 'happy birthday' and the conversation broke into an argument. He asked her why she's been so cold to him. She replied with an anecdote of how 'a guy named Doval was stalking her cousin'.
You see, my brother's in love with this girl for a while. They were acquaintances a few years ago, but despite my brother's most earnest actions (flowers and such), she had to say no to him. There's a laundry list of reasons why: her Chinese family, her parents' rules, her then-impending move to Australia, other boys, her work as a model and 'standards', lots of reasons. We know little for certain of how close they were - he keeps his cards close on that one.
Many people would learn from this, and restart with somebody new. But like every good Doval-Santos child does, he never gave up. He kept carrying that torch high. While we liked how he'd suddenly act all inspired-like, we saw anomalies. Like, how songs he wrote started to sound 'awkward', like how somebody just blurt out they "find you sexy" in front of your parents awkward. Then we saw the PC hard drive was cluttered with pictures of her (last check as something like 100MB of pics, from Friendster and Multiply.). Then there were those notebooks littered weird poems we didn't care to read anymore (one was left behind in the car once when I took it, and thank God my companions knew it wasn't my handwriting). Then there was the 'shrine'.
Needless to say, we found it fucking creepy. And this had been going on since... hmm. Since I was in 3rd or 4th year college, if I remember. It just kept going!
None of us sibs could get through to him about it. He was quite combative about anything we said, and he took to us like a bull to a matador's cape. We tried to get our parents to intervene, and they always said "oh, it'll be ok," or the staple "that's not your job to do that, Raph."
I kept my mouth shut, as free hard drive space disappeared slowly, or how his weird songs would fill our house. He'd be happy one day, and then depressed and brooding and playing DotA alone another. He'd sidestep any constructive criticism - how his songs sounded, how he dressed, anything - and even call us 'insulting' him and 'not supporting him'. He'd charge us of talking behind his back. He demanded we didn't interfere, and scuttled any offer to help.
So we stopped - we left him alone, and we didn't try to help. Still, it kept going, and the girl still kept shaking him off, or hiding, or dodging phone calls. One time she had her kuya sic on him and over the phone he gave my brother a piece of his mind. Real awful day, that was.
He started to change his ways, somehow since then. He sort of toned down - he locked himself in the computer room with loud love songs playing and her picture on screen no more. He put away the magazine clippings and the flowers off his desk that made the shrine. He kept talking about 'trying to move on,' while trying out acting classes, and modeling workshops or all that.
December, he said he wanted to go to med school. You have no idea how overjoyed my parents were at that news, given that my sister and myself seriously do not want to take up my father's practice. While we all were scurrying around helping him study for NMAT, or to look for a school that would accept him without Biology units, he wasn't all so excited - he was glum. It was not the look of somebody who "found his purpose" as he said. He often nodded, and looked away. He looked like somebody who was in for Death Row.
He looked like me, February '07, staring down law school grade deficits and rapid inspiration loss.
Months passed and we thought everything was gonna be okay. He would reassure us that he was done with the girl, that he "had to prepare for his new life". The creepy pictures were still on the hard drive, but he looked so absorbed in medicine. He looked slightly more cheerful (although maybe the NBA playoffs had something to do with that). I was ready to think that maybe he had turned a corner, like he kept promising us he would.
Until, of course, the story of "Doval" allegedly "stalking her cousin".
That cousin was somebody I liked back in the day. WAAAAY back 1st and 2nd year college. Somebody I tried to woo, and somebody who also said 'no' to me.
Who knew?
I was shocked by this turn, because as far as I knew, myself and that girl (whom we shall hide under the initials A.K. hehe) were, and still are, very good friends. Yes, in spite of her father getting angry at my phone calls, and how her friends were, at times, tense, even hostile to me, we actually got along pretty good.
And I fell for her then for a very good reason: she was a genuinely sweet, caring person, for everybody she knew. It was hard not to like A.K. How such a sharply painful story - stalking - could come from her was out of this world. It sounded too much like J.L. using something, anything, as an excuse to shoo him away after four years of dogged pursuit.
Roel would have none of that, for "he didn't know that bitch" as spoke in his frenzied pace. He was up in my face, the way a desperate man begs. "You have to help me. You have to do something about this. You have to fix this." And he keeps begging me to talk to A.K., and get her to tell his crush how he's really a nice guy, who wants to know her cousin better. That he loves her, and wants the best for her.
I was appalled - "I thought you were through with this?" I asked.
"I'm not FUCKING done with J----. I went to med school because her current boyfriend is a doctor! And that she wants a doctor for a boyfriend!". (And how he got that last bit of info while they were not in touch was just too much.)
I tried to get myself some elbow room. I hadn't heard from A.K. in months. I had lost her phone number with my old phone. I kept her at YM, but she's a career woman, and often away at meetings and working. I had never been to her house. I wasn't friends with her friends (see above).
"If you love me, if you''re really my brother, you'd clean up this mess you made."
It's hard to describe what you feel when your kid brother tells you something like this. Especially given how you knew it's not your fault. What I did let on was anger. I snapped at him, I yelled, I was insulted and let him know not to question me as his elder brother. All of that. He backed away, like a tiger backs slowly from a hissing snake, with a snarl and hard eye contact.
My principles would win out. We talked Monday, and A.K., true to form, was really gracious about it. The YM transcript is still here. She agreed with me that something may have been said wrong. She said she'll talk to her cousin, J.L., when she could to help sort it out. I even joked "for all we know, it might have been me! but that was ages ago, right?" and she said, "oo, tagal na nun. and you weren't a stalker."
With smiles and all, we though this was over. I tell Roel - thinking he'd be content.
Roel then went on a barrage of questions - what did she say, what will she do, did you tell her to tell J---- that I love her? - and I was quite annoyed. I calmly, softly replied, "they'll talk. and we'll see."
His tone changed to resentment. He then said something about how I was to blame for 'ruining his life'.
2 days later, my Dad calls me aside as I was on my way to the kitchen. Roel was there, and he looked despondent. My father heads me off, and told me the scoop: J.L. and Roel talked again. And she's threatening my brother with a restraining order. I am instructed to "give him space". The effort Dad has taken lately to keep us from being in the same room together shows how serious this may be.
We have not talked, and I have lost count of the days.
It's dragged on for this long, and in my heart of hearts, I know I'm clear. I know that I'm not the one who obsesses over someone who shovels back nothing but shit.
This has gone far too long, and now, I'm starting to rue introducing him to my other friends. To wit, he told me he liked one of my closest friends, (one whom, I myself find quite enchanting) and now I worry silently when I see him try to talk to her. I'm scared this awful fiasco with his crush may repeat. And I don't want that, because if he messes with her, fuck 'brotherhood', I'm kicking his ass. (and besides, he showed me what being a brother means to him anyway.)
Ben asked me, "If it's not your job, whose is it?" and I didn't know what to say. He's right, you know. It's a job that's gotta get done. And get done soon.
I'm tired, and I don't know what to do. Lord, I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Manifesto
I have a dream, a dream that lives for myself, and with some providence, with whoever reads this.
Some of you would know I have been part of a community of fellow believers. We are a special group. Our group was founded on the idea that we would be friends, whose faith carries us forward, and with this faith, we share the love we have to others. We work together, united by a common cause and love. All of us share in this work, and all do our very best, with much enthusiasm, love, and passion.
We do our work seriously, but at the same time, we do not lose sight of one another. We stick together not just because we are friends, or happen to be in the same place, but because we want to move in the same direction. We stand by each other not just because we're sometimes the only ones who are there, but because we're the only ones who'll give a damn.
That was then.
I am writing this because I am afraid this dream is dying. It is disappearing too fast, and the future will only glimpse this dream in memories passed down by people like myself, who have also glimpsed at it from a certain distance, never truly holding it to our hearts. I'm writing because I want somebody to help me keep this dream alive.
I'm talking about the dream I saw made real in the Agape DWTL community. I am talking about the fellowship we shared together, over the course of several years (4 of which I have been very active) and I feel that we're weaker because of recent events. I am talking about the ideal vision of a community that is united by a certain, indescribable love, a love that is characterized by what we have come to derive from our name "Agape": selfless, unadulterated sacrifice, no matter who or what is before us.
I saw this community in action years ago, on my first staffing batch. I invited two dear and near friends to join our community. They were welcomed in grand fashion, and loved in a very true and personal way, never mind that nobody knew who they were. I saw how everyone helped one another. I saw how we worked hard, and took great pride in our work, and how we found the grace in that same work. I saw how we all were bound together to serve. I ground my bones hard in three days unlike any sort before, but I emerged stronger, and I felt I could love in a purer, truer way than before. In my first staffing batch, in working hard, I gained a tremendous love. I knew my place was here.
In the years that followed, I have done my utmost to pass this love - for the community, for one another, for our participants, for Jess - to others as well. I did my best at my tasks, while making strong friendships and forging a stronger relationship with the Lord I worked for. It wasn't always easy, and at times it was hell of a struggle, but it was a sanctified way of life. In me, I learned different, deeper sorts of loving, as unique to me as I am to the over 6 billion people on Earth.
Through all this, I believe I learned a lot. I learned the value of time, and how other people's time is just as special as mine. I learned how the seemingly strongest, most perfect-looking people keep deep-seated insecurities and fears, and how they are no less priceless to God than the greatest of us. I learned how to rally people to get things done. I learned to pay attention to detail and plans, and how to work around when things don't go as expected. I learned to accept people who were awful to me, and to further strengthen bonds between those who were good to me. I learned the meaning of the word 'professionalism,' and how it is valuable everywhere, even if we're not paid for what we do. I learned how to clean bathrooms. I learned how to scrape candle wax off floors. I learned how to survive barefoot for a weekend without slippers, or how to be usher to strangers for a Mass.
Mostly, I learned how love and sacrifice are hand-in-hand. And that by giving much of myself, I gained a whole wonderful world of love for all I've done.
Why am I writing this? It's because I am starting to worry that the way we are working now is far removed from that dream. Already, I am beginning to see a dichotomy living in the community, like a worm growing inside an apple.
I'm thinking about the petty factionalism that is brewing among us, how we build walls around our own little circles instead of building bridges to expand those circles to others.
I'm thinking about the way people have slowly begun to shun our work, and instead focused on the lighter sides of our time such as all the idle partying and socializing.
I'm thinking about the way we isolate, belittle, ignore and even hurt others, while calling on the Lord as our friend.
I'm thinking of the many disaffected members of our community who have given much of their time, energy, at times money for our cause, but we in general shun, or spread rumors about.
I'm thinking about that anecdote of the guy who we kindly asked help from, but whom we were rebuffed sharply for this request.
I'm thinking of the girl whose only wish was to get by quietly after her break-up, but cannot because everyone is talking, listening, judging.
There was a dream that was once Agape. THIS IS NOT IT.
It's not it when we have all the time to go drinking, but don't have the time to go to a bank to sort the money. It's not it when we lack a transparency in monitoring those funds. It's not it when we profess a value of acceptance, of a surrender, of a divinely inspired generosity of heart, when in our words and deeds and practices, we shun people whose personalities clash with ours, when we surround ourselves with those we feel strong around, when we push out of our circles of friends others who are not like us. It's not it when we're too wrought up in trying to win over other peoples' approval by trying to be funny, personable, or clever, but fail at being hardworking, committed, and responsible.
When did having more friends mean more than having done more work? When did we stop accepting other peoples' flaws, and start pulling near ourselves those select few we care about? Why do we raise our glasses for people who made our day, when there are so many other members of our community who also matter, and without whom our work will fall apart in bits and pieces? Why do we mouth off on how "the Lord is all we need to survive" and how "we cannot compel anyone to do their part" when, in a very real degree, such ideas give other people license to slack off? Why don't we understand that your mere presence among us when it is time to work demands that you do your utmost best, and not only when you find it convenient?
This cannot continue. This MUST NOT continue.
And I feel that things must change NOW.
I have a dream, a dream that lives for myself, and with some providence, with whoever reads this.
Some of you would know I have been part of a community of fellow believers. We are a special group. Our group was founded on the idea that we would be friends, whose faith carries us forward, and with this faith, we share the love we have to others. We work together, united by a common cause and love. All of us share in this work, and all do our very best, with much enthusiasm, love, and passion.
We do our work seriously, but at the same time, we do not lose sight of one another. We stick together not just because we are friends, or happen to be in the same place, but because we want to move in the same direction. We stand by each other not just because we're sometimes the only ones who are there, but because we're the only ones who'll give a damn.
That was then.
I am writing this because I am afraid this dream is dying. It is disappearing too fast, and the future will only glimpse this dream in memories passed down by people like myself, who have also glimpsed at it from a certain distance, never truly holding it to our hearts. I'm writing because I want somebody to help me keep this dream alive.
I'm talking about the dream I saw made real in the Agape DWTL community. I am talking about the fellowship we shared together, over the course of several years (4 of which I have been very active) and I feel that we're weaker because of recent events. I am talking about the ideal vision of a community that is united by a certain, indescribable love, a love that is characterized by what we have come to derive from our name "Agape": selfless, unadulterated sacrifice, no matter who or what is before us.
I saw this community in action years ago, on my first staffing batch. I invited two dear and near friends to join our community. They were welcomed in grand fashion, and loved in a very true and personal way, never mind that nobody knew who they were. I saw how everyone helped one another. I saw how we worked hard, and took great pride in our work, and how we found the grace in that same work. I saw how we all were bound together to serve. I ground my bones hard in three days unlike any sort before, but I emerged stronger, and I felt I could love in a purer, truer way than before. In my first staffing batch, in working hard, I gained a tremendous love. I knew my place was here.
In the years that followed, I have done my utmost to pass this love - for the community, for one another, for our participants, for Jess - to others as well. I did my best at my tasks, while making strong friendships and forging a stronger relationship with the Lord I worked for. It wasn't always easy, and at times it was hell of a struggle, but it was a sanctified way of life. In me, I learned different, deeper sorts of loving, as unique to me as I am to the over 6 billion people on Earth.
Through all this, I believe I learned a lot. I learned the value of time, and how other people's time is just as special as mine. I learned how the seemingly strongest, most perfect-looking people keep deep-seated insecurities and fears, and how they are no less priceless to God than the greatest of us. I learned how to rally people to get things done. I learned to pay attention to detail and plans, and how to work around when things don't go as expected. I learned to accept people who were awful to me, and to further strengthen bonds between those who were good to me. I learned the meaning of the word 'professionalism,' and how it is valuable everywhere, even if we're not paid for what we do. I learned how to clean bathrooms. I learned how to scrape candle wax off floors. I learned how to survive barefoot for a weekend without slippers, or how to be usher to strangers for a Mass.
Mostly, I learned how love and sacrifice are hand-in-hand. And that by giving much of myself, I gained a whole wonderful world of love for all I've done.
Why am I writing this? It's because I am starting to worry that the way we are working now is far removed from that dream. Already, I am beginning to see a dichotomy living in the community, like a worm growing inside an apple.
I'm thinking about the petty factionalism that is brewing among us, how we build walls around our own little circles instead of building bridges to expand those circles to others.
I'm thinking about the way people have slowly begun to shun our work, and instead focused on the lighter sides of our time such as all the idle partying and socializing.
I'm thinking about the way we isolate, belittle, ignore and even hurt others, while calling on the Lord as our friend.
I'm thinking of the many disaffected members of our community who have given much of their time, energy, at times money for our cause, but we in general shun, or spread rumors about.
I'm thinking about that anecdote of the guy who we kindly asked help from, but whom we were rebuffed sharply for this request.
I'm thinking of the girl whose only wish was to get by quietly after her break-up, but cannot because everyone is talking, listening, judging.
There was a dream that was once Agape. THIS IS NOT IT.
It's not it when we have all the time to go drinking, but don't have the time to go to a bank to sort the money. It's not it when we lack a transparency in monitoring those funds. It's not it when we profess a value of acceptance, of a surrender, of a divinely inspired generosity of heart, when in our words and deeds and practices, we shun people whose personalities clash with ours, when we surround ourselves with those we feel strong around, when we push out of our circles of friends others who are not like us. It's not it when we're too wrought up in trying to win over other peoples' approval by trying to be funny, personable, or clever, but fail at being hardworking, committed, and responsible.
When did having more friends mean more than having done more work? When did we stop accepting other peoples' flaws, and start pulling near ourselves those select few we care about? Why do we raise our glasses for people who made our day, when there are so many other members of our community who also matter, and without whom our work will fall apart in bits and pieces? Why do we mouth off on how "the Lord is all we need to survive" and how "we cannot compel anyone to do their part" when, in a very real degree, such ideas give other people license to slack off? Why don't we understand that your mere presence among us when it is time to work demands that you do your utmost best, and not only when you find it convenient?
This cannot continue. This MUST NOT continue.
And I feel that things must change NOW.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Schtick from Cliques
In 24 years of gallivanting around planet Earth, I take great pride in my friends. They come in many shapes and sizes. They live in different kinds of houses, and have different families each. They like food that I usually can't eat. I like them, and for the most part, they like me so long as I'm not being a jerk, which is fine by me.
I have a fair share of friends. If Facebook, Friendster, Multiply or MySpace were the barometer of friendship, I do pretty well, averaging at least in the 400's or 500's or something. (Except for MySpace, but that's because the site never really took off here in the Philippines.) For those not into the social networking schtick, that's not so bad.
What I do wish sometimes were that all my friends were friends with each other too. Or that at the very least, they were cool with one another.
I remember when I was 7th grade, I made friends with this 6th grader kid. He was loud and spoke straight English, as though he weren't as Filipino as his eyes and skin and surname suggested. We were students in an after-school tutorial class, and while we mostly kept to our own year levels (he was part of my kid brother's class), we were cool with each other. He was nice, albeit not so keen on the idea that people can get tired of other people. I figured he just liked chatting with me, because I could level with his banter, how he liked to talk about his teachers, and how my teachers (being a year ahead of him in the same school) were like, and so on.
Nobody liked him. You know how in school there's this geek, or nerd who speaks in monotone and really loudly? Like that. They picked on him and made fun of him. They called him gay. They laughed behind his back about how he talked about nothing but his teachers, how he had no life whatsoever. It was only when I was sitting around talking to him, nobody bothered him. Of course they couldn't; I was one of the biggest, toughest-talking kids with a nasty temper himself. They didn't dare try pick fights with him if they felt I would fight too.
It never, however, stopped them from picking on him. Neither did I really want to stand up for him; I wasn't that close to the guy to stand up to them and defend him. And part of it was because those kids who hated him were some of my friends too.
It's a trend that carried over in many places. My kid sister has a former schoolmate who she hates talking to, hates interacting with. My colleagues in our volunteer group met this girl nobody wanted to be friends with, who everybody else called a vicious flirt, even if she was cool with me. In another group I volunteer with, there's a guy who, hands-down, is one of the most selfless, most dedicated people you'll ever meet, but he got in the hair of too many people, and so he became a pariah in a community that really could've used his help. I fell in love with a girl, and stood by what I felt, even if my colleagues in college said she was bad news, and in effect, I'm no longer in touch with any of those former classmates.
I hate more is how I have to juggle these friendships all at once. I had to maintain ties with fellow volunteers even as they talked behind the back the guy who was doing a lot of the dirty work for them, and they didn't realize it. The college classmates had to work with me everyday in school were slowly losing their respect for me because of who I chose to love. I often had to play "double agent" to people, not to curry favor with them, but just to maintain a sense of order, that I wouldn't make enemies because I "chose sides".
I didn't, and still don't know what the right course of action is. Some say I ought to have stood up for these oppressed friends, that they don't deserve the stick given to them. Yet, I also know that they're in this hot soup because of what they did, or what they failed to do. Sometimes, like the 6th grade kid long ago, they don't deserve it. Other times. they brought it on themselves by making too many enemies, and making too few friends like me. In all cases, I found that my loyalty was never something somebody could erase, but I rarely wanted to lose a friend because I was closer to another.
It's a part of life. I guess people really don't or won't get along with everybody. I still have to make a choice with what's best for the group, or what's best for the one person out of the loop, who probably deserves more than just the cold comfort of a sympathetic smile or conversation.
current music: Gotta Have You - The Weepies
In 24 years of gallivanting around planet Earth, I take great pride in my friends. They come in many shapes and sizes. They live in different kinds of houses, and have different families each. They like food that I usually can't eat. I like them, and for the most part, they like me so long as I'm not being a jerk, which is fine by me.
I have a fair share of friends. If Facebook, Friendster, Multiply or MySpace were the barometer of friendship, I do pretty well, averaging at least in the 400's or 500's or something. (Except for MySpace, but that's because the site never really took off here in the Philippines.) For those not into the social networking schtick, that's not so bad.
What I do wish sometimes were that all my friends were friends with each other too. Or that at the very least, they were cool with one another.
I remember when I was 7th grade, I made friends with this 6th grader kid. He was loud and spoke straight English, as though he weren't as Filipino as his eyes and skin and surname suggested. We were students in an after-school tutorial class, and while we mostly kept to our own year levels (he was part of my kid brother's class), we were cool with each other. He was nice, albeit not so keen on the idea that people can get tired of other people. I figured he just liked chatting with me, because I could level with his banter, how he liked to talk about his teachers, and how my teachers (being a year ahead of him in the same school) were like, and so on.
Nobody liked him. You know how in school there's this geek, or nerd who speaks in monotone and really loudly? Like that. They picked on him and made fun of him. They called him gay. They laughed behind his back about how he talked about nothing but his teachers, how he had no life whatsoever. It was only when I was sitting around talking to him, nobody bothered him. Of course they couldn't; I was one of the biggest, toughest-talking kids with a nasty temper himself. They didn't dare try pick fights with him if they felt I would fight too.
It never, however, stopped them from picking on him. Neither did I really want to stand up for him; I wasn't that close to the guy to stand up to them and defend him. And part of it was because those kids who hated him were some of my friends too.
It's a trend that carried over in many places. My kid sister has a former schoolmate who she hates talking to, hates interacting with. My colleagues in our volunteer group met this girl nobody wanted to be friends with, who everybody else called a vicious flirt, even if she was cool with me. In another group I volunteer with, there's a guy who, hands-down, is one of the most selfless, most dedicated people you'll ever meet, but he got in the hair of too many people, and so he became a pariah in a community that really could've used his help. I fell in love with a girl, and stood by what I felt, even if my colleagues in college said she was bad news, and in effect, I'm no longer in touch with any of those former classmates.
I hate more is how I have to juggle these friendships all at once. I had to maintain ties with fellow volunteers even as they talked behind the back the guy who was doing a lot of the dirty work for them, and they didn't realize it. The college classmates had to work with me everyday in school were slowly losing their respect for me because of who I chose to love. I often had to play "double agent" to people, not to curry favor with them, but just to maintain a sense of order, that I wouldn't make enemies because I "chose sides".
I didn't, and still don't know what the right course of action is. Some say I ought to have stood up for these oppressed friends, that they don't deserve the stick given to them. Yet, I also know that they're in this hot soup because of what they did, or what they failed to do. Sometimes, like the 6th grade kid long ago, they don't deserve it. Other times. they brought it on themselves by making too many enemies, and making too few friends like me. In all cases, I found that my loyalty was never something somebody could erase, but I rarely wanted to lose a friend because I was closer to another.
It's a part of life. I guess people really don't or won't get along with everybody. I still have to make a choice with what's best for the group, or what's best for the one person out of the loop, who probably deserves more than just the cold comfort of a sympathetic smile or conversation.
current music: Gotta Have You - The Weepies
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
current music: Oasis - Wonderwall
When I was a young boy, I first heard this song as it streaked all over top 10 charts and hit radio stations everywhere. I saw this MTV played dozens of times, but I don't think I really understood anything. What was a 'Wonderwall'? What's with the clowns and show girls?
Ten years, dozens of music samplings, Wikipedia and actually falling in and out of love changed everything. Now I wonder about whatever became of the silly little man who carved holes in his wall to get a glimpse of the girl who he could never really have, but whom he loved with all his heart, unbeknownst to him that their lives would collide in such a big way.
I read the lyrics and think to myself if such things could happen to me. If I could be so lucky to be watched, waited by and wished for, and somehow rescued. Or if somebody was already like that for me: that one fateful day, out of the black that falls in time, our lives we find will just some way collide.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
When I was a young boy, I first heard this song as it streaked all over top 10 charts and hit radio stations everywhere. I saw this MTV played dozens of times, but I don't think I really understood anything. What was a 'Wonderwall'? What's with the clowns and show girls?
Ten years, dozens of music samplings, Wikipedia and actually falling in and out of love changed everything. Now I wonder about whatever became of the silly little man who carved holes in his wall to get a glimpse of the girl who he could never really have, but whom he loved with all his heart, unbeknownst to him that their lives would collide in such a big way.
I read the lyrics and think to myself if such things could happen to me. If I could be so lucky to be watched, waited by and wished for, and somehow rescued. Or if somebody was already like that for me: that one fateful day, out of the black that falls in time, our lives we find will just some way collide.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Friday, March 07, 2008
current music: Be Mine - Robyn
Para sa Isang Nawawala
Patawad, patawad -
nakatakda na sa tala-arawan
ang mga araw na ika'y nasa Maynila;
bukas, mawawala ka muli,
luluwas palabas, palayo,
patungo sa mga ibayong dalampasigan
nang aking likhang-isipan.
Doon na lamang kita nakikita,
naikakamusta, nadadalaw;
paano pa ang telepono, na may hangganan ang naibabato,
o ang mga sulat na hindi sasalta sa poderas ng iyong pamahayan?
Tila lagi ka namang wala dito,
kung saan ka pinakakailangan,
kung saan ka sana ang magiging simula
sa isang maligayang kinabukasan.
Ngunit,
sasabihin ko sa iyo:
kahit sa bawat sandali ika'y napapalayo,
o kaya't lagi kang lumalakbay, at naiiwan ako dito
hinihintay kita,
at araw-araw, gabi-gabi,
hanggang sa wakas, hahabulin kita,
at doon tayo magtatagpo,
sa pook na kahit ang buwan, walang natatakbuhan.
===================
To You Who Is Forever Away
Forgive me, forgive me -
already the days are numbered, marked and measured
when you are here in Manila;
tomorrow, you will leave me again,
away to that distant shore of my dreams,
jagged as dashed rapids are jagged,
crashing on a cliff.
It is in dreams now I find you,
in a place where no phone numbers can be reached as dialed
or no letters can be read in our wordless language of waiting.
Tomorrow you will leave again,
and I will watch the sky for signs of you.
I stay and watch my face grow old,
ever nearing a future where you're not here.
Yet, I tell you,
at every hour, every second,
at every single moment you spend leaving me,
I am here, still waiting for you.
And for all that time, I will stay,
'till the day comes when I will find you, chase you down
to where the moon can't swim from these shores and drown.
Para sa Isang Nawawala
Patawad, patawad -
nakatakda na sa tala-arawan
ang mga araw na ika'y nasa Maynila;
bukas, mawawala ka muli,
luluwas palabas, palayo,
patungo sa mga ibayong dalampasigan
nang aking likhang-isipan.
Doon na lamang kita nakikita,
naikakamusta, nadadalaw;
paano pa ang telepono, na may hangganan ang naibabato,
o ang mga sulat na hindi sasalta sa poderas ng iyong pamahayan?
Tila lagi ka namang wala dito,
kung saan ka pinakakailangan,
kung saan ka sana ang magiging simula
sa isang maligayang kinabukasan.
Ngunit,
sasabihin ko sa iyo:
kahit sa bawat sandali ika'y napapalayo,
o kaya't lagi kang lumalakbay, at naiiwan ako dito
hinihintay kita,
at araw-araw, gabi-gabi,
hanggang sa wakas, hahabulin kita,
at doon tayo magtatagpo,
sa pook na kahit ang buwan, walang natatakbuhan.
===================
To You Who Is Forever Away
Forgive me, forgive me -
already the days are numbered, marked and measured
when you are here in Manila;
tomorrow, you will leave me again,
away to that distant shore of my dreams,
jagged as dashed rapids are jagged,
crashing on a cliff.
It is in dreams now I find you,
in a place where no phone numbers can be reached as dialed
or no letters can be read in our wordless language of waiting.
Tomorrow you will leave again,
and I will watch the sky for signs of you.
I stay and watch my face grow old,
ever nearing a future where you're not here.
Yet, I tell you,
at every hour, every second,
at every single moment you spend leaving me,
I am here, still waiting for you.
And for all that time, I will stay,
'till the day comes when I will find you, chase you down
to where the moon can't swim from these shores and drown.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I've been thinking.
You made your choice.
But maybe I haven't made mine.
And I think there's a time when I'm tired of watching you disappear, time and again.
I've always loved you, but I don't think you know what that means.
Nor how deep this all goes.
Nor how I can't take that back, never mind that I've met others, others who love me better.
Because maybe, just maybe
it's me who can love you best.
1 A.D.
I think there were still candles left alit
when we left our little room
to search for things we wanted
but we both didn't have for each other.
It's been a while and we haven't returned;
it's probably too dark for us to be together again there,
now as you say all the lights are snuffed out,
that we can't go back,
that we forgot matches, and can't spark another start.
You tell me this again and again,
your eyes looking elsewhere, for places
I can't walk to with you.
But
what if things now are different,
that the light didn't die,
that the flame caught a curtain or something,
and burned the house down?
Maybe what we really have left inside
isn't darkness, but soot-stained memories like ash,
stuck to skin, and unwilling to leave.
Or maybe
this fire we have inside
could still be burning, waiting for us
to come back,
stay,
and warm ourselves, arms entwined in embrace.
Let's not put out the fire.
Besides, Dearest,
your kiss alone puts these flames to shame.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
current music: Be Mine (ballad version) - Robyn
Friends, please, please listen to this song playing in my current music! You'll find it on Robyn's MySpace page.
It kinda got me thinking. Heh.
---------------------
I was driving home today and I realized that at the end of it all, I have a rather "high-maintenance" life. And in a certain sense, I'm not always making a good account of it. I'm having more and more trouble "paying the upkeep" to keep the life I lead. For instance:
- I've got lots of friends, but not a lot of time for all of them (some even envious of the time I 'allocate' to others). I'm always eager to catch up, but life got in the way.
- I have a job I love, but I'm not great at it (even downright bad at it on some days)
- I have family duties that I can't get out of. And this family's very... particular about how I live.
- I have things I do "that are for life improvement" (writing, soaking up art, exercise, etc) that I want to always do, but don't always do.
My dad's old classmate, Dr. Dans, once gave the commencement speech for the graduates of PGH Med, and he said related how he subdivided his life into "big and small rocks". You put the big rocks first, then the rest fit. I took a deep look and saw that the rocks have moved, changed, and re-sorted themselves lately.
Raph's "Big Rocks"
1.) Kendo training every Saturday afternoon
2.) Days meetings every Saturday (sometimes), with batches every now and then
3.) Days rounds/parties/times out, variable times
4.) Time with family, Sundays
5.) work, weekdays, afternoons non-negotiable
6.) AAA board meetings, Wednesdays, once a month
7.) AAA events, and related meetings, interviews, etc depende sa araw.
8.) time devoted to blogging, writing, journalling, etc
9.) any and all friends who need me to be wherever (because I'm a sucker like that)
So in effect, Saturday is really the only day that "looks kind of set," and everything else just rolled in, from video games to webcomics, to telephone calls. My potential busiest week (and I hope it never happens!) has a Days batch on the weekend, training on the Saturday, board meeting on Wednesday, an event somewhere mid-week, and time out with family on the Sunday, all on top of regular office hours!
I miss college now, how I only had to worry about area every Saturday morning, classes in the week, and UAAP games/Arsenal games. :p
--------------------
Growth happens and we don't always see it.
My hands are going callous again. My feet are losing their power to feel pain, as I walk on almost all sorts of surfaces now. My shoulders, left arm, my upper back all feel tighter, stiffer, and lighter. Some say I got taller, while my sensei says my back is straighter now. Old clothes feel more loose now; heck, I think I can fit into a lot of my old stuff again. The scales don't say I lose weight, but I feel... smaller, and taller at the same time.
I've been trying to be more... outgoing, I guess. I'm more talkative, more like the TnT I used to be. I am getting a little better at remembering names, and I try to be a bit more "playful" with people I talk to, without necessarily coming off as a jerk, or worse, a flirt. Heck, one girl I dealt with at work last month even said I was "very perky", which I find an unusual assessment.
I don't think I'm as patient as I was when I was teaching children. I find my attention span going shorter and shorter. My temper, too, is coming back. Even the smallest slight is enough prompting for me to yell, and the "irritability" I picked up over law school has returned to make a second guest appearance.
I'm starting to wonder if at the end of it all, I'll be so different a person I may not recognize myself, let alone be recognized by people who love me.
---------------------
Sometimes when you're totally beat, I guess that prayer is really all we got.
Friday, February 01, 2008
current music: Sanctuary - Utada Hikaru
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me now
I watch you fast asleep,
All I fear means nothing
In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me
snwod dna spu ynam os
My heart's a battleground
snoitome eurt deen I
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
snoitome eurt deen I
You show me how to see,
That nothing is whole and nothing is broken,
In you and I there's a new land
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me now
My fears, my lies
Melt away...
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me now
I watch you fast asleep,
All I fear means nothing
In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me
snwod dna spu ynam os
My heart's a battleground
snoitome eurt deen I
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
snoitome eurt deen I
You show me how to see,
That nothing is whole and nothing is broken,
In you and I there's a new land
Angels in flight
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
In sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
What's left of me
What's left of me now
My fears, my lies
Melt away...
wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I
Thursday, January 31, 2008
current music: I Didn't Know I Was Looking For Love - Everything but the Girl
Yeah. I don't know why, but I've fallen into a bit of a funk. I'm listening to EBTG (like right now) and I have trouble getting out of bed. I have trouble sleeping. I write and write and write on my journals and other blogs and things for work, but they're never near what I want to say, in form or word. I am distracted more. It's only my kendo that keeps me genuinely busy enough to push away my daydreams, but I can only swing a bamboo sword around for so long. After that, I'm in bed, resting, and invariably, dreaming of angels flitting around the sky, smiling a smile that doesn't go away.
Such is what happens when a woman crosses my life, or rather, returns. And yes, I know I am thinking too much, and I know I should stop. Then again, the "too much thinking" isn't what I think is bad; its the "too much feeling".
I hate this, but I feel that I will have to deal with this thing; I hardly shake a "bad moon" overnight.
Yeah. I don't know why, but I've fallen into a bit of a funk. I'm listening to EBTG (like right now) and I have trouble getting out of bed. I have trouble sleeping. I write and write and write on my journals and other blogs and things for work, but they're never near what I want to say, in form or word. I am distracted more. It's only my kendo that keeps me genuinely busy enough to push away my daydreams, but I can only swing a bamboo sword around for so long. After that, I'm in bed, resting, and invariably, dreaming of angels flitting around the sky, smiling a smile that doesn't go away.
Such is what happens when a woman crosses my life, or rather, returns. And yes, I know I am thinking too much, and I know I should stop. Then again, the "too much thinking" isn't what I think is bad; its the "too much feeling".
I hate this, but I feel that I will have to deal with this thing; I hardly shake a "bad moon" overnight.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I am touched that you still try, that you still want me in your life, never mind that I'm more often than not found at the fringes of your waking mind's eye, at the outskirts of the light that is your memory.
I am happy we're still cool, despite everything.
But right now?
I honestly don't know if you're still worth all that trouble, never mind the six or seven years I've been lighting these candles in my chest, counting stars in the sky, or watching the sea and thinking of you, rising from waves like a lovely mermaid with arms open for me and me alone.
All that I've done, and as hard as it is for me to cast you like a cancer, a part of me finds that I'm probably really cutting off the nerves that makes the heart beat. That I really want you back. That I really did mean it when I said that I loved you, and that the many years I've lived really add up to this moment when I realize that I really can't take that back.
And it kills me because I know I should really just leave you on the wayside, after all the crap you've made me feel.
I am happy we're still cool, despite everything.
But right now?
I honestly don't know if you're still worth all that trouble, never mind the six or seven years I've been lighting these candles in my chest, counting stars in the sky, or watching the sea and thinking of you, rising from waves like a lovely mermaid with arms open for me and me alone.
All that I've done, and as hard as it is for me to cast you like a cancer, a part of me finds that I'm probably really cutting off the nerves that makes the heart beat. That I really want you back. That I really did mean it when I said that I loved you, and that the many years I've lived really add up to this moment when I realize that I really can't take that back.
And it kills me because I know I should really just leave you on the wayside, after all the crap you've made me feel.
28 things Most Girls don't know
(may point siya, come to think of it)
1.--Guys may be flirting around all day
but before they go to sleep, they
always think about the girl they truly
care about.
2.--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
3.--Guys will do anything just to get
you to notice him
4.--Guys hate it when you talk about
your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.
5.--Boyfriends need to be reassured
often that they're still loved.
6.--Don't talk about your guy friends
to
your boyfriend.
7.--Guys get jealous easily.
8.--Guys are more emotional than they'd
like people to think.
9.--Giving a guy a hanging message
like "You know
what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make
him jump to a conclusion that is far
from what you are thinking. And he'll
assume he did something wrong and
he'll obsess about it trying to figure
it out.
10.--Guys are good flatterers when
courting but they usually stammer when
they talk to a girl they really like.
11.--A usual act that proves that the
guy
likes you is when he teases you.
12.--Guys love you more than you love
them if they are serious in your
relationships.
13.--Guys think WAY too much. One small
thing a girl does, even if she doesn't
notice it can make the guy think about
it for hours, trying to figure out
what it meant.
14.--Guys seek for advice from girls
not
other guys. Because most guys think
alike, so if one guy's confused, then
we're all confused.
15.--When a guy asks you to leave him
alone, he's just actually
saying, "Please come and listen to me."
16.--If a guy starts to talk seriously,
listen to him. It doesn't happen that
often, so when it does, you know
something's up.
17.--If your best guy friend seems to
avoid you or is never around when
you're with your boyfriend, he's
probably jealous and likes you.
18.--When a guy tells you that you are
beautiful, don't say you aren't. It
makes them want to stop telling you
because they don't want you to
disagree with them.
19--When a guy looks at you for longer
than a second, he's definitely
thinking something.
20--Guys don't like girls who punch
harder than they do.
21--A guy has more problems than you
can
see with your naked eyes.
22--Don't be a snob. Guys can be
intimidated and give up easily.
23--Guys talk about girls more than
girls talk about guys.
24--Guys hate rejection, but they hate
being led on even more.
25--If you are going to reject a guy,
just do it. Don't say they are like a
brother or just good friends, it just
hurts even more. Tell them that you
aren't interested in a relationship
and they will respect you.
26--Guys really think that girls are
strange and have unpredictable
decisions and are MAD confusing but
somehow are drawn even more to them.
27--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and
health just to be with you, he really
likes you and wants to be with you as
much as possible.
28---Girls, if u don't repost this
within 1 hr then you will lose the guy
of your life
---Guys if you don't repost this in
one hr then you will lose the girl of
your life.
post this as:
28 things most girls dont know
(may point siya, come to think of it)
1.--Guys may be flirting around all day
but before they go to sleep, they
always think about the girl they truly
care about.
2.--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
3.--Guys will do anything just to get
you to notice him
4.--Guys hate it when you talk about
your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.
5.--Boyfriends need to be reassured
often that they're still loved.
6.--Don't talk about your guy friends
to
your boyfriend.
7.--Guys get jealous easily.
8.--Guys are more emotional than they'd
like people to think.
9.--Giving a guy a hanging message
like "You know
what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make
him jump to a conclusion that is far
from what you are thinking. And he'll
assume he did something wrong and
he'll obsess about it trying to figure
it out.
10.--Guys are good flatterers when
courting but they usually stammer when
they talk to a girl they really like.
11.--A usual act that proves that the
guy
likes you is when he teases you.
12.--Guys love you more than you love
them if they are serious in your
relationships.
13.--Guys think WAY too much. One small
thing a girl does, even if she doesn't
notice it can make the guy think about
it for hours, trying to figure out
what it meant.
14.--Guys seek for advice from girls
not
other guys. Because most guys think
alike, so if one guy's confused, then
we're all confused.
15.--When a guy asks you to leave him
alone, he's just actually
saying, "Please come and listen to me."
16.--If a guy starts to talk seriously,
listen to him. It doesn't happen that
often, so when it does, you know
something's up.
17.--If your best guy friend seems to
avoid you or is never around when
you're with your boyfriend, he's
probably jealous and likes you.
18.--When a guy tells you that you are
beautiful, don't say you aren't. It
makes them want to stop telling you
because they don't want you to
disagree with them.
19--When a guy looks at you for longer
than a second, he's definitely
thinking something.
20--Guys don't like girls who punch
harder than they do.
21--A guy has more problems than you
can
see with your naked eyes.
22--Don't be a snob. Guys can be
intimidated and give up easily.
23--Guys talk about girls more than
girls talk about guys.
24--Guys hate rejection, but they hate
being led on even more.
25--If you are going to reject a guy,
just do it. Don't say they are like a
brother or just good friends, it just
hurts even more. Tell them that you
aren't interested in a relationship
and they will respect you.
26--Guys really think that girls are
strange and have unpredictable
decisions and are MAD confusing but
somehow are drawn even more to them.
27--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and
health just to be with you, he really
likes you and wants to be with you as
much as possible.
28---Girls, if u don't repost this
within 1 hr then you will lose the guy
of your life
---Guys if you don't repost this in
one hr then you will lose the girl of
your life.
post this as:
28 things most girls dont know
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
current music: Solu Music - Fade (original mix)
Wishing! (a 2008 wish-list)
I still can't believe I'll be 24 within a week! w00t!
(heck, some days I still have trouble imagining myself aging beyond 20)
Like I said last post, I'd be putting up a wish-list. This should also cover stuff into next year. This is is primarily for my aunts and uncles overseas, but can apply for everyone! So first, the blacklist.
DO NOT GET ME:
1.) CD's of Music
Simple principle: I'm very picky. While I always say I'll listen to anything, don't assume I'll readily pop that CD of a hot new emo band in my car player or in my iPod. Sorry na lang. If I don't ask for it, I'll find it on my own.
2.) Any dumb movie/video game/book you think I'll like.
Same principle. Odds are, I already have copies of movies I openly like (ie: Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Love Actually). So save yourself the drama. Same goes for books (Watchmen, Trainspotting, Blade of the Immortal) and video games (Katamari, NBA Live, Final Fantasy). Give money to poor instead.
3.) Clothes
Duh. They won't fit. Trust me. Buy me clothes when you're out with me instead. This includes shoes and socks.
4.) Planners of any kind
I already got a cool one. So no dice.
So what do I want?
1.) Scarves!
One of my most favorite things to wear. If you needed to find me in a crowd, I'd wear a scarf. It's the least common article of clothing in the Philippines and it's one of the things I love using the most. I'll take any kind, it's sure to make my day. The longer the better!
2.) A decent soccer ball!
Because even if it's my favorite sport, I don't have a nice ball for it! Not since after the one I had back in college got punctured. So yeah. Please?
3.) Money!
Self-explanatory. Even better, donate the money to the AAA-Gawad Kalinga village! :D
4.) A DVD/VCD/Blue-Ray/VHS/etc of Interstella 5555!
Daft Punk and Leiji M's masterpiece. I already have my own downloaded copy but that'll be awesome to have it on original DVD.
5.) Something to remember you by.
An easy thing to get me, and you're limited only by your creativity. Did you see Chimoms's 1UP mushroom? Ganyan. The more creative, the better. One of my favorites was a boomerang that my friend brought back from Australia. Panalo!
6.) 160 GB iPod Classic/iPod Touch
It's not yet time for me to retire my 5th generation 30 GB, but I know I can do with an upgrade. You don't have to buy me a new one; if you let me know where I can "trade up" mine (swap plus cash for a 160 like they do with cellphones) I'll be cool.
7.) DVD's of TV Shows!
It's no secret: I DO NOT WATCH TV, not anymore since our TV set got busted and lost all its color. I only get to view things when I have video copies of them on DVD or whatever. (or kung super pumipilit akong manood ng Studio23 or whatever). So help me naman. :p
8.) House Music!
A burned CD of house means more to me than that grammy-nominated metal group they have on store shelves. Yes, I am encouraging this one because I'd love more people to go and listen to the CD's you will burn yourselves! Personal preferences lean toward goovy deep house and French house genres. :D
9.) Next-gen games machines!
Or is it "current gen"? I don't own any of the three big players out there (Xbox360, PS3, Nintendo Wii) and I'm at loathe to pick just one. So whoever makes it easier on me by getting me any of them will be a hero! :D
10.) Books of Poetry.
Be very careful with this one. I love poetry and relish and book I get, but if you will indeed buy me something, do NOT get from Ateneo's ORP bookstore or from National Bookstore Katipunan. :p I've cherry-picked those places. Best go for the books that go "Complete works" of poets! Sulit lagi.
Anyway, that'll be fine. There's more stuff, but they're a bit "pie-in-the-sky" for me. hehehe!
Wishing! (a 2008 wish-list)
I still can't believe I'll be 24 within a week! w00t!
(heck, some days I still have trouble imagining myself aging beyond 20)
Like I said last post, I'd be putting up a wish-list. This should also cover stuff into next year. This is is primarily for my aunts and uncles overseas, but can apply for everyone! So first, the blacklist.
DO NOT GET ME:
1.) CD's of Music
Simple principle: I'm very picky. While I always say I'll listen to anything, don't assume I'll readily pop that CD of a hot new emo band in my car player or in my iPod. Sorry na lang. If I don't ask for it, I'll find it on my own.
2.) Any dumb movie/video game/book you think I'll like.
Same principle. Odds are, I already have copies of movies I openly like (ie: Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Love Actually). So save yourself the drama. Same goes for books (Watchmen, Trainspotting, Blade of the Immortal) and video games (Katamari, NBA Live, Final Fantasy). Give money to poor instead.
3.) Clothes
Duh. They won't fit. Trust me. Buy me clothes when you're out with me instead. This includes shoes and socks.
4.) Planners of any kind
I already got a cool one. So no dice.
So what do I want?
1.) Scarves!
One of my most favorite things to wear. If you needed to find me in a crowd, I'd wear a scarf. It's the least common article of clothing in the Philippines and it's one of the things I love using the most. I'll take any kind, it's sure to make my day. The longer the better!
2.) A decent soccer ball!
Because even if it's my favorite sport, I don't have a nice ball for it! Not since after the one I had back in college got punctured. So yeah. Please?
3.) Money!
Self-explanatory. Even better, donate the money to the AAA-Gawad Kalinga village! :D
4.) A DVD/VCD/Blue-Ray/VHS/etc of Interstella 5555!
Daft Punk and Leiji M's masterpiece. I already have my own downloaded copy but that'll be awesome to have it on original DVD.
5.) Something to remember you by.
An easy thing to get me, and you're limited only by your creativity. Did you see Chimoms's 1UP mushroom? Ganyan. The more creative, the better. One of my favorites was a boomerang that my friend brought back from Australia. Panalo!
6.) 160 GB iPod Classic/iPod Touch
It's not yet time for me to retire my 5th generation 30 GB, but I know I can do with an upgrade. You don't have to buy me a new one; if you let me know where I can "trade up" mine (swap plus cash for a 160 like they do with cellphones) I'll be cool.
7.) DVD's of TV Shows!
It's no secret: I DO NOT WATCH TV, not anymore since our TV set got busted and lost all its color. I only get to view things when I have video copies of them on DVD or whatever. (or kung super pumipilit akong manood ng Studio23 or whatever). So help me naman. :p
8.) House Music!
A burned CD of house means more to me than that grammy-nominated metal group they have on store shelves. Yes, I am encouraging this one because I'd love more people to go and listen to the CD's you will burn yourselves! Personal preferences lean toward goovy deep house and French house genres. :D
9.) Next-gen games machines!
Or is it "current gen"? I don't own any of the three big players out there (Xbox360, PS3, Nintendo Wii) and I'm at loathe to pick just one. So whoever makes it easier on me by getting me any of them will be a hero! :D
10.) Books of Poetry.
Be very careful with this one. I love poetry and relish and book I get, but if you will indeed buy me something, do NOT get from Ateneo's ORP bookstore or from National Bookstore Katipunan. :p I've cherry-picked those places. Best go for the books that go "Complete works" of poets! Sulit lagi.
Anyway, that'll be fine. There's more stuff, but they're a bit "pie-in-the-sky" for me. hehehe!
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
current music: Want You to Know - Freelance Hellraiser
Taken from a friend's blog, post dated Feb. 14, 2007.
I will spend today wishing I were with you. Tagaytay will be perfect, I'm sure. Perfect for this perfectly saccharine holiday. It's just the escape I need; you know how much I've been dealing with lately. And yet, I know I'll just be thinking of you, and trying not to cry.
I considered not going, you know. Because it wouldn't be fair. Not fair at all. But the alternative was staying home, perhaps watching some Grey's, and eating my feelings. Then of course the tears would come. I didn't want to spend this year's Valentine's that way. Not that last year's was much better. But anyway. I'm choosing to try to be happy. Operative word being try. I guess the most I can hope for these days is distraction, and that's exactly what Tagaytay offered.
It's been, what, six days? Yeah, crazy of me to do such a thing a week before Valentine's Day. But you didn't leave me with much choice. You had barely anything to say. And when you did say things, they didn't leave me with much hope either. I so wanted you to fight for it, to convince me that there was sense in all of this, that we didn't spend so much time just to end up with nothing. But all I got from you was defeat, resignation to the fact that you had lost me and there wasn't much you could do about it because I had made up my mind.
You did say afterwards that you are fighting, that you'd be unbelievably stupid to give it all up. But where is that fight? It's Valentine's Day for heaven's sake. I'm not asking for much, you know that. Just some sign that you're more than just words, that you do love me enough to show me just how much. Because otherwise, there's not much reason for me to believe it.
Hay, I hate that I can't even find comfort in my music. Somebody suggested that I listen to heavy metal, saying it was guaranteed to make me feel better. But I guess the masochist in me still chooses crap like Third Eye Blind and Snow Patrol. And I realized that there are simply too many songs that remind me of you, most of which I love too much not to play. Like right now, Maps just came on. I'm singing along, and I hate how heartbreakingly sad my voice sounds.
What I fear most of all is that you'll eventually forget me. I told you how I can't even imagine us being friends after this. As much as I love you and want you to be happy, the thought of seeing you with someone else is just too much to bear. Because that would mean that you had found that one person you were willing to take care of, to take risks and to sacrifice for. And I just couldn't be that person, as hard as I tried.
I agree, it is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Taken from a friend's blog, post dated Feb. 14, 2007.
I will spend today wishing I were with you. Tagaytay will be perfect, I'm sure. Perfect for this perfectly saccharine holiday. It's just the escape I need; you know how much I've been dealing with lately. And yet, I know I'll just be thinking of you, and trying not to cry.
I considered not going, you know. Because it wouldn't be fair. Not fair at all. But the alternative was staying home, perhaps watching some Grey's, and eating my feelings. Then of course the tears would come. I didn't want to spend this year's Valentine's that way. Not that last year's was much better. But anyway. I'm choosing to try to be happy. Operative word being try. I guess the most I can hope for these days is distraction, and that's exactly what Tagaytay offered.
It's been, what, six days? Yeah, crazy of me to do such a thing a week before Valentine's Day. But you didn't leave me with much choice. You had barely anything to say. And when you did say things, they didn't leave me with much hope either. I so wanted you to fight for it, to convince me that there was sense in all of this, that we didn't spend so much time just to end up with nothing. But all I got from you was defeat, resignation to the fact that you had lost me and there wasn't much you could do about it because I had made up my mind.
You did say afterwards that you are fighting, that you'd be unbelievably stupid to give it all up. But where is that fight? It's Valentine's Day for heaven's sake. I'm not asking for much, you know that. Just some sign that you're more than just words, that you do love me enough to show me just how much. Because otherwise, there's not much reason for me to believe it.
Hay, I hate that I can't even find comfort in my music. Somebody suggested that I listen to heavy metal, saying it was guaranteed to make me feel better. But I guess the masochist in me still chooses crap like Third Eye Blind and Snow Patrol. And I realized that there are simply too many songs that remind me of you, most of which I love too much not to play. Like right now, Maps just came on. I'm singing along, and I hate how heartbreakingly sad my voice sounds.
What I fear most of all is that you'll eventually forget me. I told you how I can't even imagine us being friends after this. As much as I love you and want you to be happy, the thought of seeing you with someone else is just too much to bear. Because that would mean that you had found that one person you were willing to take care of, to take risks and to sacrifice for. And I just couldn't be that person, as hard as I tried.
I agree, it is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
"He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." (Jesus) said to him, "Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."... And he turned to him, and said "Follow me." " - John 21:17-18
It makes sense now, how I've to go where I don't want to go.
Because that's everywhere you aren't.
It makes sense now, how I've to go where I don't want to go.
Because that's everywhere you aren't.
It's one thing to have Last Song Syndrome: a song stuck in your head.
It's another when a song has lodged itself into a crevice in your chest, and holed itself in, refusing to release hostages.
Drowned World / Substitute for Love
Madonna
I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly game
Some things cannot be bought
Got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for
more
I suffered fools
So gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
Had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt
So happy
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
mmmmmm
No famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one night stand, no far off land
No fire that I can spark
mmmmm
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion
===========
It's been months and I'm still not OK.
I don't think I'll ever be. Not over this; this was far too big, too dear.
===========
In totally different news, be happy for me everyone: I'm no longer a law student. :)
It's another when a song has lodged itself into a crevice in your chest, and holed itself in, refusing to release hostages.
Drowned World / Substitute for Love
Madonna
I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly game
Some things cannot be bought
Got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for
more
I suffered fools
So gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
Had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt
So happy
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
mmmmmm
No famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one night stand, no far off land
No fire that I can spark
mmmmm
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion
===========
It's been months and I'm still not OK.
I don't think I'll ever be. Not over this; this was far too big, too dear.
===========
In totally different news, be happy for me everyone: I'm no longer a law student. :)
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