I discover myself agreeing with Sir Tom:



"Tignan niyo ngang mga magaganda diya. Lumingon kayo."

We all turn to look at our classmates.

"Hanggang tingin lang tayo, no?"


hay naku. who knew it'd come down to this? :p

this is arguably my favorite poem of all time.


Impressions of Lent
Alfrredo Navarro Salanga

I.
Lent is the season of hot suns and mad dogs made mad by hot sons. It is also the season of the madman, and of beggars. Old women crowd the churches with candles and the smell of mothballs. And the children must learn to be quiet or the devil will cut their tongues out. One must be good these days and one should say his prayers slowly. Kiss his foot, son. No Mother, it smells bad. And one must remember to give food to stray dogs.

II.
The boy and the dog stood leaning on the cold stone of the church pillars. Women filed past them slowly, with the downcast eyes one often associates with adulteresses discovered. One must not throw stones unless he is without sin. The dog, who was incapable of sin, bit an old lady. The boy, who had just gone to confession, threw a stone at a beggar. The beggar, who was blind, started to thrash around in anger and, with his stick, knocked off the candles from an old woman’s stall.

III.
Maria was praying. With clammy hands, she counted the beads. She gazed at the suffering Christ above her. Fake drops of blood caressed His brow. Maria sighed and found it hard to pray. Fake! Fake! Everything was a fake around her. She turned her face and noticed the young man behind her. She gazed long at him. She gazed and thought of how much he resembled her god. The young man rose and she saw his limp.

IV.
Vis Crucis devotees were wailing their way. A leader chanted some verses and the chorus responded with cracked voices. Some of them walked on their knees. And they loved to do it. They left a trail of blood from their scratched knees. They loved to do it because Christ would love them more and make their husbands stop beating them. A woman in black thumps her vanishing breasts as she learns of Christ’s First Fall. An American tourist is busy taking pictures of the group. The devotees are shocked because is wife does not wear a veil.

V.
Home. And Mario is drunk. He sings a dirty song. He staggers around the house and makes a lot of noise. He swings an empty bottle and hurls it through his neighbor’s open window. The bottle strikes the shrine in the living room. And the Virgin’s image falls. The falling virgin drops on the baby’s crib. The baby is hurt and she cries. Later, when her mother comes home, she will blame the Virgin.

VI.
The doddering priest bellows from the pulpit. The Seven Last Words are as tearful as soap operas. He orates, declaims, cajoles the crowd into tears, and, by crying himself, causes the women to cry louder. As the Hour nears, the crowd cries and sings and prays. Many are waving their hands in an annual manifestation of sorrow and repentance. The church is full of women. And, in the churchyard, henpecked husbands fondle their roosters and think of Easter Sunday and the smiles it will bring; and, yes of course, the gala cockfight.

Bakit pa kasi nag-leave si Ma'am Beni??? :(

And to think I was planning for her to be my thesis advisor!!! Nooo!

Now, I have to hope Sir Krip will say it's okay. Or maybe Sir D.M. or somebody, dahil hindi ko personally kilala si Sir Vincenz at si Ma'am Naya.

Pwet!

------

Also have Guidance Testing tomorrow! 4:30 - 6 PM. As if I wasn't wasting enough time in school!

URgh.

------

In other news, first day was great. Former TnT partner Missy is now my practicum teacher, Sir Lerma's class looks really engaging, Ma'am Dacudao is nice, and Sir Rosario's (Tagalog! Sigh.) Philo class looks like fun. Also am happy to report that (so far) wala pa akong naging "kaklaseng bwiset", and that most of the familiar faces are quite welcome.

A trip to the "eaternet" cafe also allowed me to keep my tradition of eating out every 1st day. And yeah, 1/2 power lunch it was. Hehe. Guilty pleasures, really.

Un nga lang, may homework na agad ako! Sir Lerma's asking me to write a paper right away! Haay. The price of having the art gallery as your classroom. hehehe.

I learned today that some people, in spite of my decreased frequency of posting here, still do seek out this blog to keep up with my life. I'm flattered, because it means I'm remembered, even if I've forgotten to log in here. I chalk it up to a crash that took place which wiped out most of my old blogspot layout.

So, if you are one of the ones I mention, I will give you my other blog, the livejournal:

www.livejournal.com/users/heaven_spawn/

add me! :D

And yes, I still use this blog. I don't use it that frequently anymore, but I still do. In fact, I think I'll be using this a whole lot more in the next few months. :)

---------

I'm tired but happy. :) I'm also somewhat grateful that I didn't get picekd for OrSem. The past four days have been a mad rush of highs. All highs, no lows. :) I like, and I'm happy.

Tomorrow, rest na 'to. Or, I can buy Knights of the Old Republic II for the PC. Haha. Happy, happy, happy ako. :D

---------

here's my current sched:

Hi 166 L - Dacudao, TTH 1200 - 1330 CTC 308

FA 108 A - Ypil, Monday 430 - 730 CTC 319

FA 165.1 - Javellana, MWF 130 - 230 G-312A

FA 198 - Maramara, TTH 1030 - 1200 G-306

FA 166.3 - Lerma, TTH 300 - 430 Art Gallery

Ph 103 Q - Rosario, TTH 430 - 600 CTC 103

Th 151 A - Dy-Liaco, MWF 830 - 930 CTC 102

Lord help us all.

current music: quiet. and i like it. :) because there are still songs in my head, and i can hear them better that way. :D



I'm home, back from A29.

Staffing for these retreats is tricky business. I admit the fever and the LBM were NOT fun things to encounter away from home, but it was all good. I feel tired physically, but I still feel like I can keep going. :) Hehe. parang natural high. :)

I'm kind of sad, as Kuya Third and Mommy Tammy will be leaving. Shet. To think two of my favorite, most looked-up-to a-dayzers are leaving... :(

I learned so much from those two. I shall miss them dearly.

-------

In other news, congrats kay Ria and Dandan for 7 new kids! To Chai and Twinkle for a fantastic job, and to Vannie and Maundy as new vice-rectors of A30! :D

As homesick I was in the batch... I shall miss it. :)

-------

Ikaw? Do you need a retreat? Ako bahala sa inyo! :D

The Fifth Summer.

About last week or so, Arisa, one of this year's new tutors of LnK, was asking me to stay around one more year. After all, it'll be LnK's 25th anniv come 2006, and it'd be my sixth consecutive year there should I stick around. That'd be an unprecedented feat, considering how many of us leave within their first three years, and how most of them leave because they never get "elected into execom", or worse, that "their friends left na rin". And I know what that feels like :D.

As tempting as Arisa's offer stands, I look to the future. The last of my peers who stuck around, Angel, shall soon step down as Chair by the end of the year. Migs Balma, Chreesy, Honeypie, Tara and Perry are all stepping up to the plate to lead. The new Claret boys gang are all growing into legitimate kuyas for the kids. The new Miriam contingent is as strong as ever, and with Issa's kid brother Migs recruiting, there's also a whole lot more people from the PAREF system teaching.

And where will I be, if I stay? I belong to no 'faction', nor will my leadership be greatly missed for there are others. There are also more than enough able bodies to fill out classes by next summer. (unless something goes terribly wrong).

So sige. Tomorrow, barring any strange events come next summer, shall be my very, very, VERY last day of LnK. Especially since Jess comes first, and that I can't make my last Tutors' Outing on Saturday. :(

Tomorrow, there will be no fanfare, no "Lifetime Achievement Awards" jokes, no lights nor magic, no teary eyes. It'd be a graduation of my last 9 kids (arguably the ones I've taken the best care of ever), a short party for the grad, and tutors' night. And when it's over, bahala na. I may still help out teach the UPCAT reviews, but that'd be it. After that, well... fate and Jess will decide.

[Oddly enough, there is word that tomorrow somebody from the Philippine Star will be on hand to cover their graduation. Hehe. Funny how there's this sudden interest in our group now that many of my friends, peers, and well, me are all on their way out.]

It's been a good run. If anything, the greatest achievement this summer is that all 9 of my kids have recieved full scholarship benefits for their final schoolyear in high school. Proud ako. ü

Never no mind that they shan't elect me into execom next summer. I'd be nice, but if they don't, then I'd have no reason to stay anymore. Ate JenTan always said that we come back year by year, because, in light of the big picture, the kids need us. But now, I realize maybe it won't necessarily be me that they'll be needing anytime soon.

I'll miss it dearly. It was the place where dreams came true (some, literally!). I've met more friends there in the past five summers than I ever have in my entire time in high school and college, and a lot of the closest confidants I keep are found there.

I'll miss waking up early to make it in time for class. I'll miss staying up late to write out exams for the kids. I'll miss the tambay times in friends' houses, or the massive impromptu parties at my pad. I'll miss having to defend my committment to tutor the kids before my parents. I'll miss the lunches out, the movies watched together, the birthdays in Mang Jimmy's and the debuts in posh places here and there. And most of all, I'll miss the quiet knowing that what I do, somehow, adds up to the future of somebody other than myself, somebody I probably may never see again, but somebody whose life, hopefully, I'd have made better.

If I wasn't part of LnK, maybe (or most certainly) I'd never have been a Dayzer, I'd never have the heart to shift out, or that I'd lead summers like many of those rich kids wasting money on the beach or long-distance trips abroad. And that's precisely what I'm trained not to do: waste money, not in how my family's been doing this far. And besides, A-Days keeps me busy too, among other things. And while I serve one master in both pursuits, somehow, it's as though He wants me to pick one way to serve Him. And somehow, LnK ain't it anymore.

Hence, my departure. With my kid sister and younger brother still doing the college thing, I have to get a job when I'm out of school. (haha. sounds like a prison story.) And I realize I'm not wont to do the Law School/MBA/Masters/Med School thing, since that's exactly what I shouldn't be doing: I need to find work, dammit!

I need to either find marketable skills, or actually do something "worthwhile" that can help me get them skills. I have to leave the chalk, red ink and eraser behind, and look for something else that can give me something to wake up for.

I have to go, when I personally feel I'm not ready to leave yet. Not yet.

current music: Prayer Cycle - Hope

I've been thinking about doing something like this for a while now. Let's just see where it takes us. I consider this the message I'd write to be placed inside the very last bottle on this metaphorical deserted island. May it find the person it seeks.

OPEN LETTER TO ONE I DO NOT WISH TO EMBARRASS BY NAMING

Hi. We haven't talked in years, you and me. I know it's odd that you're reading this now. I find it unsual myself, considering that the last letter I wrote you served to drive us apart. But that's old stuff now. I'm certain much has changed in your side of the globe.

Me? I guess I'm okay. I'm positive you haven't heard about me in a long while. Friendster was enough to prove you had forgotten me. And yet, in a skewed, strange way, I'm glad you have. You see, I always thought that I should disappear from people's lives for long periods of time. Then, after I'd have gone through changes (like, become more outgoing, or lose weight), I'd find you again. And I'd see how people like you would find it all. How I got to start anew, how I got myself on the right foot.

Strangely enough, I'm the leopard who couldn't shed any of his spots. I still write poems when I'm lost. I still keep other people's secrets and worry about them silly. I still like reminding people that I'm around. I still wish I could let people understand what it'd be like if I weren't around.

I still think of you. After all these years.

I still think of you when I see starry nights, remembering how your eyes looked like, without your glasses. I still think of you when I see people dancing arm in arm. I still think of you when I see angels, and how you told me they meant something to you. I still think of you when I write poetry, and of the talks we've had about the topic. I still think of you when I hear stories about people who physically hurt themselves because they felt so lost and frustrated. I still think of you when I'm lost myself, and how your presence over a phone line kept me going fine.

I think of you when I see toenails painted red, like the night I told you how much I liked your shoes. You told me then that it wasn't new. But I wasn't really looking at your feet. I was just doing my best not to stare at your face that night, lest I be rude. And it wasn't easy mind you; you looked quite beautiful.

You haven't heard a peep from me about it, and yes, it's better that way. Last time we talked, you told me there was this man in your life, and that he was jealous as hell over guys like me who called. Fine. I decided to let whatever emotional attachment you held on me go. Like the poem goes "if little by little, you forget me, I shall forget you, little by little".

And yet somehow, I've not forgotten you. I can't forget you. Not you. After all, it's not easy wiping someone's tears and forget you were there when they wept? Or that maybe, just maybe, you knew what to do to stop them from crying, but you couldn't, and never forgive yourself for years to come?

Years passed and somehow, news about you still arrived. About how you were doing in school, or how you were so involved in dance and stuff. It was odd, hearing them. I thought I had moved on and was slowly making better. But truth be told, I also missed you. And it hurt knowing that when I started having feelings, we had to live separate lives.

For the most part, it's alright. But in my quiet moments in prayer, in thought, in meditation... thoughts still return to my past, which includes you and others I fail to be there for. Each time, I cannot do much but lift hands heavenward, for the hands can do little else than pray. And it isn't a good feeling.

I do not know why I'm compelled to write this. All I know is that somehow, we disappeared from each others' lives. I do not regret liking you, even if all the signs show me that you never did nor would feel the same way. I do not regret listening to your problems on the phone. I do not regret walking away from that evening an angel less and a few tears on my coat more.

All I know is that as I write this, I try to cast your memory away. For I know that I can't fully love others until I do.

I fervently hope that you're happy, wherever you may be. And if I find you again, please don't take it against me that I act like I've forgotten you. I'd prefer the anonymity, honestly, just as I'd expect you not to respond should I call out your name out of the blue some odd place else.

Goodbye and God bless,
Raphael

Spent the whole day with LnK. Haha. I haven't done that ALL SUMMER. And it's so nice.

830 featured my class taking up sentence patterns and getting their midterms back. Which, I'm happy to say, that they learned real quick. Yey. :)

Late morning, I spent my free cut from PolSci with Michiko. She wasn't feeling too good at the start of her day, for reasons I shall not discuss. But I'm in the "cheering-up business" (as always!) and I did what I do best: buy depressed people coffee. :) We stole away from Della five minutes before Math class, I treated her to frap light with my newly-discovered Starbucks gift certificates. Lovely morning of coffee and talk. Always nice. So yes, naka-pagbond din kami ni Mich at long last this summer. And not a day too later either, as she's leaving tomorrow for America. Talked about all sorts of things, and we even got back to Della just in time for class to end.

A safe and happy trip we hope for the 'Soriano Sorority'. hehe. Lunch out was at Shakey's, their treat, making the despidida official. My god. Those two came prepared; they sent waves upon waves of pizza to over 30 LnK tutors. Aakalain mong pinapataba nila kami, hahainin, at babaunin kami papuntang 'tate. Normally, recent LnK tradition has that in Shakey's, host pays for food, you pay your drink. Mich and Migi spared us drinks! Five bucks per head lang for drink. Hehe. Ambait. In turn, I donated fifty bucks, just to help things along (and since some of us left early at the time).

I'm not complaining. Food was good, and I hadn't eaten this much in a three months! :) but unfortunately, i feel something like blood throb on my right shoulder (parang may pumipitik). yes, regret has reared its head. tsk. looks like i've got to do an extra day of working out lined up.

[Somebody remind me to ask VJ for the "incriminatingly stupid" pictures of Perry modelling an MC pep squad jacket in Shakey's. What fun. :)]

After saying goodbyes to the Sorianos, we went for billiards. I had to drive, drop them off at FBR, and park in Ateneo, as my kid brother was supposed to use the car. I park, and he texts that he'd take the jeep instead. Nge.

I take a trike to FBR, and game on na 'to! Paeng and I played two of the ugliest rounds of pool. BOTH of us just sucked on the day. :p (you can ask him. hehe.) Played some more until it was time to fetch Chimoms from UP Orientation.

All in all, a good day, except that yumaman ang mga "watch-your-car" boys at trike drivers sa akin. Haha.Now, I'm financially falling apart.

I wonder if I can still cook for LnK Parent's night?

ah, di bale. PolSci Long Test first.

Current music: My Mistakes - 112

Hango sa isang kuwentong nabasa ko sa isang magasin. Hindi ko na sasabihin kung sino nagsulat nung nabasa ko.

Dissection
Raph Doval-Santos

The body's limbs
are spread on the plate.
Science students stare, fumble,
some know not what they do.

Pins are pushed like nails
on fins and places
where wrists would be
for people.

Later, they will lance its side
with a probe to flush away
fluids and blood.

A label placed near its head reads:
"Here is the cochlea. It allows
the frog to croak."

The teacher shows
his handiwork as an example for others.
He heads to the sink to wash his hands.

"Start at the sides and make a cross -
shaped incision on the chest,
and cut until you reach
the heart."

The pupils have hands
that shake scalpel and scissors.
They beg for the final hour when
the frog stops twitching like their hands.

Others sniff back
the formaldehyde's scent,
water leaking from the eye ducts.

current music: Banquet - Bloc Party

Later today, I'm driving Chimoms to UP for her faculty consultation. I'm also going to hand Perry and the others the LnK Logbook, meet up with Jemjem for a game of pool, and pick up Chimoms and kid brother to drive them home. Any further errands aren't noted here, as they can appear at any time.

Tomorrow, I'm giving a Creative Writing workshop to high school kids for LnK. Wow. I'm excited. :) Yun nga lang, cut ng classes yun. 2nd cut of summer... sigh.

Saturday features another A-Days _eval. Asteeg. I miss the people already.

Tuesday features me having to prepare a costume for TnT 2nd interview (jack-in-the-box na to!) and my 2nd PolSci Long Exam. Must maintain winning streak.

Must remember to get amp_writes band profiles by May 6. Sana pwede kong gawin siya sooner.

No rest, no rest, no rest. Not good for high-blood pressure.

One thing at a time, one thing at a time...

------------

Workshop... hmm. Since my genre is poetry, and it is a dying artform, I'd likely have them read it and try writing it. Yes, I know some of them have different artistic inclinations. I understand. But I'm positive that reading poems can help enrich their thinking. Besides, the workshop's only from 8AM to 12NN, with a thirty-minute break. Pipigain ko na 'tong oras.

Tara only asked me this morning, so I couldn't "assign" them to write stuff to crit. Crap. 'Di bale, I'll just have them do writing exercises a-la Lighthouse sessions.

Am also considering showing them "Trees" by Joyce Kilmer as an example of BAD POETRY, just like Sir Krip did. Hehehe. Yes, I know Krip's not exactly the best teacher, but I wholeheartedly agree that "Trees" is darned overrated.

Since they're high school, they're not likely to have read stuff. hmm... Know what? I'd love to whip out poetry for the kids to read. Here's a list of stuff I'd like to show them this far. Filipino poets get priority. Suggestions of stuff would rock.

1.) Patawad - Mikael Co
2.) Kursilyo - Hazel Caasi
3.) Icarus Christ - Eman Lacaba
4.) The First to Love - Simeon Dumdum Jr.
5.) Double Takes - Naya Valdelleon
and one more Tagalog poem. Probably "Bakit Minamadali" by Javier Bengzon, or something by Kapi. Anyway.

Also considering bringing my "all-star selections" of Neruda, Angelou, and other foreigners.
1.) Tonight I Can Write - Pablo Neruda
2.) One Art - Elizabeth Bishop
3.) Introduction to Poetry - Billy Collins
4.) The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost
5.) The Red Wheelbarrow - William Carlos Williams

Writing Exercises... Since they're kids, I'd want them to feel encouraged. So...
1.) First thoughts
2.) Rengga
3.) Photos & Memory
4.) Unforgettable moment
5.) Translation

Am at a loss, as some other exercises aren't always too applicable.

Today has been disappointing. Not disastrous. Just disappointing.

Wha? Who am I kidding? I am EVER so pissed off today!

Nothing that I wouldn't have anticipated. But it still wasn't all that nice. The people of LnK have heard about "part 1". The second part took place this afternoon. It's days like these that make living a chore. Worse, the TnT interview got moved to tomorrow, and no progress has been made on the fruit (which is now a pineapple, and that makes it no more easier).

There are seven knives in the kitchen. One is for fruit, one is for bread, one is for steak, and two more for vegetables. I forget what the other two are for. We just use them interchageably for various cutting needs. Six of them have black handles. They fit nicely in a wood knife rack beside the microwave oven at the corner of my kitchen.

I'm grateful that for the most part, I know how to control my rage.

Oh, at aliw panoorin ang "Significant Others". Shet, super nakaka-relate.

current music: Beautiful Day - U2



My song for today is U2's "Beautiful Day." Today, of all days, when my second Sem's grades arrived.


It looked something like this:


Philo 102: C+
Directing 1: B+
FA 102: B+
FA 105: B+
FA 107: A

Semestral QPI: 3.5
Yearly QPI : 3.15

Mahal na mahal kita, Lord. Thank you. Basta Ikaw!

Thank you too, for all who greeted before today [tulad ni Jason], and all day today. :)

I can sour-grape all day about working my ass off in Yan's class, and only coming up with 91.6, but fine. I may be .4 short of an A, but I don't care. 3.4 ang QPI I ko! Happy!

Next sem, cutting spree na 'to. :)

--------

Our block had a cool talk with Stephen Uy. I've spoken to Stephen before on theater set design way back in 3PO. He also works for Tito Dom in Darna. I was half-tempted to ask him to say Hi to the family's "resident director", but I decided against it. Some things are better kept under wraps (as of yet).

I took notes. It felt strangely cool. I felt like I was learning something that can help me with my future. Of course, selling sponsorship packages to big companies isn't exactly what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Learning about how money can be made was. And I liked it.

I like the odds of our Fine Arts Festival. I invite everyone to watch out for it. This coming January siya! And it's gonna rock! :)

--------

Got Joboy's text regarding TnT.

I worry. I want to make it, but I worry.

Do I still got it? Can I do it again?

More on that some other time. But exciting stuff na 'to. :)

--------

Chatted with Sir DM Reyes on the way to the jeepney. He told me that in comparison, my poetry would not stand up. I shouldn't compare myself with others. I should, instead, work on my own voice. Once I find it, I'd be a-okay.

I forgot to thank him for the B+. But I didn't want to bring it up. I'm never comfy about discussing grades with teachers who give me high marks. I argue with those who dump crap on me, but if they're high, I'm happy. No need to argue over a few points for the A when the main point of me doing OK was already made.

-------

Bought my kid brother Warcraft 3: Frozen Throne as a late birthday gift. He loved it. Yey.

But not before I tried it out first. Hehe.

-------

Dad and I had a talk about God.

I shouldn't be surprised by how much he knows. He's an authority of sorts on the subject.

But still. I felt somewhat... trascendent, speaking to him.

I'm wishing everyday were like that: less drama, more understanding.

Basta, today's swell.

A moment of silence for his Holiness.

God bless the dead. Rest in peace.

As my blogspot has spent over a month languishing, I'm here to give it a shot in the arm with a survey nicked from Den.

Copy and re-post. Put an 'X' next to what you have accomplished.
(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star (only if a comet counts)
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states
(x) had a serious surgery (my right foot. stitch-scars are still there.)
( ) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested (I'm not counting the traffic fiasco. MMDA ain't cops)
( ) done drugs
( ) had alcohol
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
( ) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving (wag muna...mataas kasi BP. :p)
(x) broken a bone
(x) been high
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
(x) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan (i know the plane took a stop there, but we didn't go down)
(x) ridden in a taxi (ilang beses na, dir)
(X) been dumped (yeah, in a manner of speaking)
( ) shoplifted
(X) been fired (ooh yeah.)
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(x) stolen something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children (kids ain't for me)
(x) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day (uy! something to do for summer 'to ah.)
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
( ) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child (and sincerely I hope not.)
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself (looking back... naah, not really)
(X) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

current music: Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours - Blue feat. Stevie Wonder


Coach Mike, my parents' badminton coach, suffered a sort of heart-attack. He's okay, although the hospital fees and all cost his family a very big financial blow.

So, my Dad's friends are starting up a concert. Performing are Jimmy Bondoc, Paolo Santos and Nyoy Volante & the Mannos. Tickets are 350 a head. :) Concert's at March 5, 2005 at Celebrity Sports. :) That's a Saturday, and it may well be the last big thing you can do before exams. :p

If you're interested, text me as soon as possible! If not watching, kindly spread the word!

Thanks!

I hate it when I can't be there for people.

Wala lang. I saw something I felt I didn't need to see. And it's one of the worst things I've seen.

Just not good. I'm sorry.

current music: All This Love - El DeBarge

You Have A Type B+ Personality

B+ You're a pro at going with the flow You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer A total joy to be around, people crave your stability. While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity. Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done You're passionate - just selective about your passions

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

current music: Where You Are - Josh Groban

I thank Den for this gift of words.

Wala lang. It's my story too.

--------

Passion and Love
Paul Laurence Dunbar

A maiden wept and, as a comforter,
Came one who cried, “I love thee,” and he seized
Her in his arms and kissed her with hot breath,
That dried tears upon her flaming cheeks.
While evermore his boldly blazing eye
Burned into hers; but she uncomforted
Shrank from his arms and only wept the more.

Then one came and gazed mutely in her face
With wide and wistful eyes; but still aloof
He held himself; as with a reverent fear,
As one who knows some sacred presence nigh.
And as she wept he mingled tear with tear,
That cheered her soul like dew a dusty flower,--
Until she smiled, approached, and touched his hand!

The other day, I wanted to paint. Yes. I wanted to paint. I wanted to grab a brush and splay a blank space with colors. Bright colors. Dull colors. Reds and yellows and blues and greens and oranges. Just plain playing with color, and them movements my brush's movements would evoke.

I used to be big on art. I was one of those kids who, for my entire life, just wanted to draw, color, watercolor, finger paint, pastel, clay mold my way through life. I openly told my parents I wanted to be a doctor, and I had quite an aptitude for science, mathematics and literary subjects.

But in truth, people could see that I never really read books for their text. I opened only the tomes with illustrations that interested me. I observed how they made me imagine the event taking place. I flipped, page after page, and marvelled at them.

Two things shook my consciousness quite remarkably as a child. One was cartoons.

Cartoons scared me at first. I was shocked at how a picture could move. I remember watching my first Mickey Mouse feature, and sat there open-jawed. I remember grabbing a crayon, drawing a dog on a piece of paper, and I waited. It didn't move. I looked at the TV some more, and there the black rat was, dancing, prancing his way.

I decided I wanted to find out how they made them move. I just had to. Otherwise, my work may never be as good.

The second strange event to me, and in a detrimental way, was my early introduction to video games.

I think I was three when Ninang Clar showed me Pac-Man. By then, I was used to the idea of moving pictures, and i didn't understand what Pac-Man was all about. I just liked being with Ninang Clar when she was playing it. And I had fun, for the most part.

But when I was introduced to Super Mario... Christ. I was stunned. Not only did the picures move, but I could control them now! I loved it. It was just so much fun.

Unfortunately, I think the two events in somewhat quick succession had delivered critical hits to my creative psyche. I looked back at my old sketchpads, and I discover that I had drawn nothing significant, save for replications of scenes I had produced when playing Contra, Mario or some other game. I watched cartoons a lot, but I could never imagine the still image of anything. I only knew how I wanted them to move. I could never draw them when they were not moving.

Maybe it was because, in city life like I've always lived, everything must move. Everything is in constant flux. The only things stationary are cars stuck in traffic. And even then, there's motion.

I don't know. I've forever had artistic ambitions. Writing is one way I can re-live them. Directing theater is another. And they work. I can implement the motions I like, because those media are very receptive of moving things. I could imagine how, say, an actor should speak, deliver lines, even dance, and I can instruct them, and they'd do it. Or I could write an essay or a short piece of fiction, and I can make characters behave any way I want.

But still, I still crave to grow capturing time standing still. I hunger for it.

current music: Over and Over - Nelly, Heaven Help - Lenny Kravitz


I didn't care about that 7 PM color-coding rule. I needed to return home. I just had to. I wanted to watch plays at Parada, and I wanted to chill out with some friends some more. But I just had to return home as I walked out of the Pub. I just wanted to get away to someplace more familiar.

At home, I kept my chores quick. I talked to my sister, watched the Simpsons and some American Idol (for a change) and ate dinner. My internet maintanance (email, gmail, etc), I kept quick. I just kept going. I didn't want my mind to go blank, and let me remember.

I got up. I walked to my room and closed the door gently behind me. Outside at the hall, I could hear my brother watching NBA basketball and my sister shuffling her feet downstairs to study. I closed the door tightly, and ever so gently such that it wouldn't creak or anything.

I closed my hand into a fist and punched the wall. I pounded it with my knuckles until they reddened and I heard a slight crunchy sound. I stopped lest some of that red would stain the wallpaper.

I took a deep breath. I looked around. I grabbed my pillow and threw it around like a wrestler does his hapless victim. In a fit of rage, I decided to just let it all out, in the privacy of this closed room. I didn't yell, curse, scream or anything like that. I just unloaded all the violence on inanimate things.

I curled into bed and wept.

When I cry, there are no tears. Only a sobbing that takes hold of me. I don't even know if it's really sobbing; it's not really crying if there aren't any tears, so is it still sobbing? But I know what a sob sounds like. And me holding a pillow in tight embrace, and trembling... yeah. I was just a pathetic sight.

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This is the worst day in the past week and a half and it has been the worst week in the past 4 years of my life. This is rock bottom, ladies and gentlemen. I'm juggling several tasks, watching my friends either fight among each other, disappear, or just plain pretend not to mind.

And I will do these tasks. I don't care if I'll die from another coughing attack. I will move mountains for once, because other people have been doing it for so long. High time I do too.

----------

I gave myself some time to listen to a friend's problem. Wahaha. right then, I realized that all the worrying I was doing is now on their hands. All their own, dirty, fucking hands. I thought a few days ago that I was the one carrying and spinning the stories so people won't get that hurt. Like I was the bearer of awful secrets.

As the story progressed, things started to spiral. Now, I notice that they're slowly starting to see the whole story like I've seen it for so long. They're starting to get the full extent of their faults. They see what I have been seeing, putting up with, keeping quiet for the past 9 or 10 days.

Putang ina. Dapat lang. May hangganan din ang tao. And I don't want this anymore. I have work to do, a life to lead. I'm tired of being used as some safe-deposit box, or some punching bag. Fuckers, all of 'em.

But nevertheless. They're my friends, and honor is something I'm not accustomed to throwing away. If they need me, I'm still here. I just pray I don't have to lie or anything. Please lang. I didn't ask to be here. Respect and sensitivity are all I need right now. It's really all I'll need. that, and maybe a hug.

-----

I decided to call James. Hehehe. Years may pass, and sometimes some things will never leave you. I talked to bespren James over Game 2 of the PBA Finals and stories of our lives this far. It was nice.

I had long decided to refrain from calling friends whenever I had problems. Slowly I stopped calling, and I started to solve problems on my own, to bug their lives less, to get my own game rolling with or without them. I decided to sever some ties, and I'm happy I did.

And yet, as things are turning from gold to shit, I'm glad that some people just never wanted to disappear. James is one of 'em, and I've not met a person who'd live "Basta Ikaw" better, even if he's got no idea where that phrase comes from. :)I'm surprised by how much I feel better. James, rakstar ka't mahal kita. Sayang lang natalo Talk N Text. Hehe.

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Jeb says he can do the play. And now that I have his sched, i can work around it too.

Mel has agreed to play the role of the girl. Astig.

James has agreed to act for me in the dire moment everything falls apart. Personally, I'd love it that my best friend's my actor. I just would. But we'll see.

Si Crisel, kakausapin ko bukas. Sana okey na lahat, for all our sakes.

Wow. Pwede na pala akong mag-timpla ng cast! :) This is a first for me. :) pucha, kulang na lang may baby (as in sanggol talaga) kaming gaganap ng papel ng baby. :p

This is exciting. I can't wait to start experimenting and I can't wait till I find that optimum performance cast. :)

yey. I love this job.

------

This is the song of my entire 2005 so far. hooo yeah.Julian knows why, all too well.

NELLY (f/ Tim McGraw)
Over And Over

'Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it yeah
I can't shake it
Nooo

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again

Ohh
But I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that you would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again

Ohh
I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

(Now that I've realized that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I lock it down
I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

Over and Over again
Over and Over again
Cause it's all in my head



Despair is the worst of sins. It is when you believe that not even God can help you.

Lord, I'm sorry. I just feel utterly angry.

--------

not a total loss though. I think things are looking up somehow. Funny how the night loves me and showers me with blessings, but the sun greets me only to burn me hellishly.