current music: Ain't No Sunshine - Bobby Blue Band

Sem Break is Starting To Suck

I am home alone tonight. My folks and siblings went to Tagaytay. I decided not to go. The beach is never fun when it's rainy like these days. And I wanted to hear mass today, Sunday, which is something I know I WON'T be able to do if I ride with them. Now, it's nighttime, and I'm still stuck with insomnia. Yeah. I can't get no sleep.

I have taken it upon myself to download all sorts of music c/o Limewire and BitTorrent. Trance music. House music. Chill-out. Disco. Reggae. 70's. 80's. 90's. Musicals. Opera. Instrumentals. Live performances. Movie soundtracks. With Nick Hornby's High Fidelity as a starter's guide, I'm slowly navigating the world of music I've never listened to, that nobody in the family listens to.

I don't think it's a very definitive, one-stop-shop type of collection. I like to treat it like a decent salad; a little bit of every little thing.

Apart from that, I'll be frank and honest, because it's only on this very blog I am able to be frank and honest:

I'M LEARNING TO HATE SEMBREAK.

Okay. It was fun the first week, being able to go skating with the block, or to bargain hunt in booksales here and there, to watch "Lord of War" with my family, or to sit back and read the new books. It was okay last week, where I had a lot on my hands preparing for A-Days, and for the weekend itself, where I was thoroughly busy.

But now? A week after with nothing to do? God.

I think there's this part of me that's hard-wired in my system that demands I be utilized. I always need to do something. Thing is, I've been unable to write anything decent other than the odd post here and there, and these old video games aren't cutting it. I've lost my appetite for TV a long time ago (apart from 'Mad About You' reruns), there are no new videos in the house to watch, there are too many books that aren't fun to read (like those Physics and Chem textbooks my folks hoarded for us when we were all in Pisay). The books that would have been fun, I don't have clearance to touch, because they belong to my sister.

I hate these extended, enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks that last for weeks on end. Sure, I relish the fact that I won't have to wake up very early in the morning to troop to school, drive for my siblings in the afternoon, and sleep late at night to wrap up work. I'm grateful that I don't have to face any of my profs, or have to mooch off groupmates or carry lazy groupmates mooching off me. I'm happy I don't need to be in a state of eternally playing catch-up because I'm lax in my readings, or that I have to stress myself over an oral exam coming in three days, back-to-back with another on a different subject within the next hour.

Still. I can't say I like enforced-on-all-my-friends-and-me breaks like these. It was bad enough I didn't get to go to the LnK lunch out. Now, it's terrible, how I sit here wasting away.

I'm jealous of people in Australia. For them, vacation times last for no greater than 2 weeks, but they take place at least three times in a term. Every two or three weeks of school, they'll get a "cool off" break, which lasts for a week or two. Then it's back to work. It's perfect! It's just enough time to have fun, but hardly too long for things to drag!

I mean, look at my life right now! I sleep at 3 AM, I get up at noon, I sit around in front of a PC for the afternoon, and do the sporadic jogging or basketball trip here and there. Meantime, at the back of my head, nag the following chores:

1.) Faci sign-ups for ACP
2.) My ADMU Law letters
3.) Jihan's play: casting, directing, rehearsing, setting up the set
4.) A31
5.) My last semester in Ateneo, which, heaven forbid, just might not be the last if things go to shit.
6.) My class sched.
7.) My own thesis, which looks disasterrific.
8.) My dream of submitting to this call for contribs which I nicked off Kael's blog.

All these things are stuck in my head. No amount of Civilization III or NBA Live can rub them out. Even time I've been spending with the Dayzers hasn't cleared my head; they only complicate matters because I have to consider how I'll fit time with them with the time I have to spend on those aforementioned events.

I want to stop being paranoid. I want to believe that everything will turn out okay. But I can't, because it demands faith that, unlike faith in God, has a real and painful possibility of letting me down.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to sit here doing nothing but play video games and stare at the ceiling while I worry. I don't want to have nothing to do. I don't want to feel useless.

I want to stop missing my friends. Already I can't bear the thought of being unable to see people. I still have books to return to people like Jeb. I still owe Patty a copy of Pirates!, after all this time. I already want to tell DenRocs of my newfound love for Faithless, and my slow delving into the world of electronic music, which she loves. I miss picking on the quirks of my friends. I miss the Pubroom. I miss the library and being able to borrow books to read for free. I miss reading good poetry. I miss Kaingin, my old crush there, my kids that I used to teach (although I DON'T miss some people there)..

I miss LnK. I miss my kids. I miss my co-tutors. I miss being able to daydream about perfect people we could look for, set each other up for dates for each other, and comparing notes along the way. I miss laughing with my kids about inside jokes only we knew over the course of a summer.

I miss Block E. I miss playing cards, fortune-telling, listening to them gossip while I silently scribble on notebooks. I miss reading for scripts, planning for gimmiks, and making Xander's job that much harder. I miss the feeling of belonging I get when I'm with them that I never got out of any org I've ever joined.

I miss my old blockmates. I miss Jemjem's brand of comedy. I miss Pao's steady, level-headed perspective on everything. I miss playing cards with those blokes. I miss the girls who I hardly ever got to speak to because they were always out with Gabay instead of the ASG. I miss the two "Marks", and their simple, charming way of conversation. I miss them, even though I've been celebrating ever since I left them.

I miss James and Fritz. I've not spent a day together with those two in over eight months! I miss our 'high council' gatherings, our 'o, kumusta na?' talks which are always, always full of new things to share. I miss talking to Fritz about the lates games and techie things and his life as an up-and-coming programmer, and I miss James updating me on being a future environmentalist, and how things are with his girlfriend. I miss being the 'glue person', the link between two different worlds. I miss the days when we could hatch plans of just getting away from it all, just the three of us.

I terribly, terribly miss lunch outs with with Jihan and Mela, never no mind if they may be responsible for my heart's unhealthy state, given the food we eat. I love those two dearly, and would do anything for them.

I miss Jihan. I miss jogging in Ateneo. I miss planning for her play, recounting stories she could use in plays. I miss her input on books and movies we both loved. I miss her sage wisdom in times of confusion. I miss how it was always so, so easy to talk to her, how my jokes always seem to work and how I know all my secrets are safe with her.

I miss Mela. I miss lending her books, buying her crap, driving her from place to place. I miss hanging out with my family with her as guest. I miss her opinions and observations, all rife with poems and stories. I miss how she'd always challenge me to raise the bar on my daily life, how she'd stress"anything worth doing should be done well". I miss following with her schemes.

Yes. I know all things pass. I just wish they'd happen sooner. I just wish I don't have to feel like this anymore: untapped and useless.

current music: Landslide - Smashing Pumpkins

Yes, I'm in a Smashing Pumpkins kind of phase. In a strange way, their sound is almost sort of the root of all emo. Hehehe. :p

This song, however, I love so much. And to think I only learned of it last Sunday.


Smashing Pumpkins - Landslide

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I'm getting older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

current music: In Demand - Texas

Nagkwentuhan kami ni Tish sa Days noong Sabado. Riot! Tila sa kanya ko talaga makukwento ang "plight of being thought of as gay" na mayroon siyang karanasan dun. hahaha!

We went about talking of love lives, how mine went through the usual cycles, and hers seemed to hit dead ends.

May isa siyang sinabi sakin siya.

"Raph, yung sa 'yo kasi, ikaw yung tipong lalaking sineseryoso."

Nataranta ako dun. Ano ibig sabihin nun?

"Kasi kunwari, pinatulan ko kita, mapapa-'off the market' na talaga ako! Kasi ganun kang klaseng guy: sineseryoso."

I felt utterly humbled and dumbstruck and flattered and touched. Tish, salamat.

current music: In Demand - Texas

Wahoo!

I'm back from staffing for A-Days.

More on it to follow.

For now, rest.

current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Try, Try, Try (alternative version)

Pop tart, what's the matter
Did you lose... what you're after?
For your tears I'm still singing
For your fears, I am ringing
From Houston on a downer buzz
Like you said, It's just because
You'll detonate your long lost kisses
Wished on the eve of forgotten blessings
So start your way for some new impression

That try to hold on
To this heart a little bit stronger
Try to hold on
with this love aloud
Try to hold on
For this heart has never been broken
Try to hold on
Try to hold on

Pop tart, did you flatter
When they spoke... of my disasters
At 13, I lost my compass
But I'm sure, it's all accomplished
As desires on my ghost trains
Like you said when it rains
It pours down the back of the bitter son
Desperate for love and loves everyone
In my mother's arms, no simple harm

Conspires to hold on
To this heart
A little bit closer
Try to hold on
To this love aloud
Try to hold on
And we know
If we go under
We just can't let go
No, no

Pop tart, will it matter?
If I lose and just shatter
Will you cry, and keep crying
Will I die, and keep dying
In Tokyo, the sad tragic blues
Like you said, it's how you use
'Cause someday we'll know if this even matters
Our rings and maze and simplicity
When can we laugh and take all the credit

And know we'll go free
With our hearts a little bit stronger
Try to hold on
For this love aloud
Try to hold
For this heart's a little bit frightened
Just try to hold on

Just try to hold on
Just try

I will remain with you, no matter what the fuck they say.

current music: The Tide - The Spill Canvas

You know how in Finding Neverland, Johnny Depp's character, J.M. Barrie was, at every turn, frustrated by people who didn't approve of the company he kept?

I understand completely.

I HATE it when people judge my friends. I HATE it when they say "Wag kang lalapit diyan! Be careful!"

I love you all for your concern, and how you worry about me.

But please. I'm not scared.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/heaven_spawn/164402.html

I realized one thing:

I don't give a fuck about what others say anymore. Bahala na ang pride.

This post is dedicated to you...

- For always making sure that I dress nice, eat healthy, stand with good posture, look clean, take my medicine, remember to tip waiters, refrain from cutting class and the like, and for worrying sometimes when I don't do so.

- For laughing at my jokes when nobody else seems to think them funny, and for giving them at least a smile when you don't really think them funny either.

- For trying to give me suggestions to make me look cooler to my siblings's eyes, a favor I still cannot find repayment for.

- For taking the pains to look good and smell nice when we do the lunch outs with our friends. (And mind you, I notice it even when I don't say anything.)

- For showing me the 'spectator sport' of people-watching.

- For your acts of thoughtfulness, like plastic wrapping a book I loaned you (in secret, no less).

- For being the pulse of our 'gimiks,' always with the funniest jokes, the wittiest wisecracks and the best ideas on what to do next.

- For the vial of your perfume, of which I love and use very very sparingly when I need a really sweet scent.

- For that afternoon in Megamall, at the drop of a hat, and the company for dinner after.

- For accompanying me to Makati, even when you weren't feeling so good.

- For shooting photos for my Theo group in Cubao, with your very cool camera.

- For trusting me with that camera, when you left it behind once, and I found it.

- For finding real, concrete answers to my problems, be they insomnia, or repairing book damage, or lack of funds when we eat out.

- For not being a total priss, and admitting to faults when applicable.

- For being so cute when I try to pay you compliments, or when you're "sabog".

- For always coming up with the most amazing ideas, insights and observations, which I find deep and profound.

- For being so nice to my family, especially when you don't have to. And for the concern you show for their well-being that hardly any other friend (not even some of my closest, oldest friends) seem to have for them.

- For joining us on our trip to Tagaytay, even if Jihan couldn't come along.

- For keeping my secrets.

- For trusting me with yours.

- For being so open with your thoughts that I treasure.

- For never saying "no" when I try to be nice to you out of the blue.

- For never taking advantage of my chivalry. Not once.

- For liking my cooking.

- For broadening my horizons with new music, new books, new movies to watch, and for being a sounding board about what you think about them.

- For trusting me with books, and stupendous books at that.

- For teaching me a thing or two about caring for my dogs, and enlivening a newfound love for them.

- For brightening up everyday, just with your 'infectuous spontaneity'.

- For being so patient with me, being a guy and all, and for thinking me as different from the many men out there.

- For being you, and for all the times I've spent with you.

Thank you for everything.

And I miss you dearly. These days aren't the same, I say.

I pulled off a tarot card reading somewhere. Ito daw sabi sakin.


how you feel about yourself now

You feel that despite the challenges you have been faced with in the past, present or future, you will find the strength and courage to succeed. Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top. If you are looking to give up any bad habits, such as smoking or drinking for example, this is a good time to do it.

what you most want at this moment

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is absolute change, to end what you no longer want and start anew. You desire to transform your career or your love life, perhaps your whole lifestyle in general. However catastrophic such changes could be, embracing them will only make you grow in wisdom and experience.

your fears

You are fearful of the future and rather lacking in self-belief - you are afraid your hopes will be dashed. Well don’t be, this is your wish card - a time of joy and fulfilment. Good health, possibly after a time of illness, and good fortune that will give you a new zest of life. If considering a new love affair, new job or career, or travel, then go for it. You may also receive a gift or gifts!

what is going for you

This is an exciting time with much potential for fun and good times. Your confidence should be high, it's a great time for new possibilities. If you are considering leaving your job, home or relationship, in time you will. An unexpected desire will be fulfilled, even before you express it!

what is going against you

Insecurity is a devil that taunts us but only if we listen to that ‘doubting Thomas’ we all have in our heads. Ignore it. What do your instincts tell you? Perhaps you don’t like what they say? Well you could always go against your instincts, but we all know what that leads to don’t we!

outcome

A time for taking stock, an end to an era or phase of your life and brand new opportunities appearing. An opportunity will present itself that must not be ignored and it could have far reaching implications, changing your life for the better. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

current music: Stars - Hungry Young Poets

**WARNING**
Super Bangang/Senti Post Ahead
Turn Back Now!

-----------

Ganito kasi yun.

I had a short talk last night with Jihan regarding The Little Prince. I find that the story is rich and resonant, no matter how old or young you are. Like Mela once told me, it's the sort of book you ought to read every four or so years, just to remind you of what's there.

I decided to reread it this morning, while waiting for class. Yes, I almost cried. The only thing that kept me from sobbing was the fact that I was surrounded by so many people in the CTC CompLab.

It was no different from the day Mark Yebra endorsed the book. The familiar feelings were there, all over again, even though they weren't for the same people.

Yes, it was like 3rd year high school over again, sobbing over a sad, sad evening, featuring, ironically, a person in red who would be the first real rose of them all.

So, to the roses, past and present, I love you.
To the foxes, it is for you I still choose to live and keep on striving. Thank you.

--------

Here's a short summary of the reflections I've come up with. Many of them are from Sir Niel as relayed to me by Jihan. Many others, I stumbled onto. I will not say it's the best, comprehensive guide to it, and if you've not read it, turn back because you might complain I'm spoiling the story. Rest assured, the magic is in the book and how it's written, so even if you do read this, you won't miss out.


The Little Prince - Everybody, at least once in their life is like the Prince. Everybody has that child-like quality of seeing what's invisible. In our lives, we all love as selflessly as the Prince, at one point or another.

The Pilot - He is like the Prince, except he's all grown up. Here, we see what was once childlike, and how the world has molded him, with all the cynics and the doubters and all that. There is the fear, the doubt, the need to attend to what are "matters of consequence," but there is still that child gently knocking at the door.

The Snake - People who offer "an easy way out." We all should be wary of them.

The King - People who believe the world must revolve around themselves, and see that what they say goes. They are proud, and are in denial of their own shortcomings.

The Vain Man - People who demand the attention and admiration of others, particularly because there's really nothing special about them. They seek this attention because of that.

The Businessman - People who see the world as nothing but means to an end. Everything's something to be won, bought or traded in their eyes. Their primary goal is to look out for themselves first.

The Drunkard - People who cannot move on from their own self-pity. They seek some kind of solace by running away from their problems instead of facing them down.

The Lamplighter - People driven with by a sense of duty, by a sense of doing the greater good, but leave nothing for themselves. They burn out. They give and give, but leave nothing for themselves.

The Geographer - People who are too lazy to do work for themselves. They are also the biggest skeptics; they'll never believe unless they see proof. They do not explore and discover things for themselves, but would rather have somebody else do that for them. There is no wonder in their lives.

The Rose - People we love, but don't know how to return the love. That's not to say they don't love you. They just are, perhaps, too proud. They know how to take the love, but giving is difficult. They make our lives wonderful, but painful all the same.

The Fox - People who teach us what really matters. People who come and disappear in our lives, and leave impressions forever. They love you, and you love them, no matter how different you are.


--------

And all
I am
is grateful for the stars
which are you
when they shine
oh they shine oh they shine
oh they shine
in my sky...
-Stars, HYP

Call me selfish, but I don't want this semsester to end.

Because it'd mean I'll only have less than five months to spend with everybody.

:(

current music: Crazy for You - Sponge Cola

I didn't exactly have it great the past two days. This poem is for all the people who have been hurt, whom I feel so powerless to help.

Rare Lines from One Accustomed to Writing What's Said to Be Obscure Poetry
Emmanuel Lacaba

Because I sing no more,
Speak to the point no more
(Neither is today's lyric fashion),

There are days I stand by doors,
Wish I could play the guitar,
Had more future as a painter,

Enjoyed gardening, or had
A wife before the night's lovemaking
to caress. A fist of cowards I

(Whom other people call an educated man)
Who cannot drop a glass, hurl stones at panes,
Throw chairs around.

current music: Only - Nine Inch Nails

I am crazy, crazy, crazily in awe of the video for Only - Nine Inch Nails. Hwow. And it's made with such sharp thought!

--------

I've had a long, yet sweet day. It's up there, definitely, although it didn't start right.

You see, the other day, my kid brother got into a car accident. He took some groupmates to McDonald's. He was handing food to the people seated at the back, when he didn't realize the car was in gear, and his foot wasn't on the brakes. The car lurched forward. When he slammed the brakes, he had already hit the back of a car.

This was yesterday, and the man he hit (who I found out today was a 75-year old former Barangay captain of Loyola Heights) didn't really get mad nor press charges. But the incident has stirred very 'protective' sentiments, and has advised us to use public transportation for the next few days. Especially since my brother had not asked permission to drive to McDo (which is walking distance from school) and that the LTO papers in the car are somehow, strangely missing.

So there. I took the jeep today. If I stank and I offended sensibilities, my apologies. And in advance, as well. I worry this'll be a trend for a few days.

And to think I had to brave the rain and accident-prone and mugging-prone commuting in order to make it early for an uninspiring Theology lecture, where we did nothing but elaborate on how terrible the state of my country is.

-----

That aside, I had lunch with the gang this afternoon. Haha. Ice cream and spaghetti always tastes better with good company. And so will any future adventures, which I look forward to with relish.

Now it's Jihan's storytelling, my directing, Mela's technical vision and RJ's management (SM siya!) that will get this thing going. And of course, brilliant work from our soon-to-be performers. :)

Yes, I am scared like hell with regards to the many-tiered complications that will go hand-in-hand with the production of Jihan's work. I, however, am happy to be part of this. It's gonna rock.

That is, so long as the four of us go hand in hand too.

---------

I thought I saw somebody from way, way back while Mela and myself were talking.

I wonder. I hope I was unnoticed. If only because I fear more arguments. (Because that's what we were always good at: disagreeing). If only because it's not easy to face your past and your regrets.

But then again, what does one do when he or she sees a ghost? Nothing, right? So what can I do? It's a misplaced page of an old chapter. It has no place in my present anymore.

Even if, in another, younger time, place and age, I'd have pushed back time's pace with all I had to go and make it so.

current music: You're Beautiful - James Blunt

Oy, sinong may alam kung magkaano ang bagong speakers? Nakaka-asar na't hindi na ako makakinig ng music ng matino! :s

-----

In other news, I am quite delighted that somebody's wish, after years of waiting has been fulfilled. hehehe.

I am happy to find closure in all this. I can now close this chapter once and for all. (unless something comes up again, as usual.)

current music: Do for Love - Tupac Shakur

Your Brain's Pattern

You're a simple thinker, and this is actually a very good thing. You don't complicate matters when you don't have to. You look for the simplest explanation or solution, and you go with that. As a result, your mind is uncluttered and free of stress.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

current music: Around the World - Daft Punk


The Name Game

Rules:
1. Write something about 15 different people.
2. You can NOT say who they are.
3. If someone asks you which one is about them, you can NOT tell. If you know you're there, tell me but no reactions.



----------------------------------------------------------------

(1) For a long, long time, we were pretty tight. He used to call up the house quite frequently and we'd talk. I even got to listen to the songs he wrote for his ex way back then. Then when he met this girl, the phone calls (thankfully! haha) stopped. Although, I think he broke up with that girl recently too. He's also a really good guitarist; you should listen to him try rendering Jason Mraz, or another favorite, Lifehouse's "Everything". :)


(2) People, when they meet him, can get the impression that this dude is gay. Really. There were the telltale signs: boyband music, a passion for dance, and a fixation with poetry regarding a certain object that looks phallic (hahaha!). But he's also a very nice guy. Everybody seems to like him. I also remember that I made a joke of him being gay at a party, and he did nothing but smile.

(and yet, making jokes about it to him were UNHEARD OF. I only know one other person who'd dare crack that one.)


(3) Mental bookmark ko sa babaeng ito ay "most expensive cup of coffee," which was by no fault of her own, but a certain AWFUL person she introduced me to. :p This girl had a gig on her birthday, and the dude (in a funky hat) who was the emcee took the microphone and said, quite bluntly "Oy, pagbigyan nyo siya. Nata-tae siya ngayon!" Wahahaha! But she was brilliant onstage nevertheless. I'm CRAZY about her music, while the person in #1, for a time, was CRAZY about HER (haha! isyu lang po). :p


(4) She doesn't check her LJ so much anymore, but I remember when I was Really Depressed back in high school, sa kanya ako nag-confide. I'll bet she'd never believe me when I say she stopped me from killing myself. Hehe. And to think naging close kami dahil sa isang e-mail na pinadala niya ako ng wallpaper ng Samurai X. :p (along with a long string of other emails, of course) I miss her terribly; ANDAMI ko kailangang ikwento sa kanya! :p

We also have a funny sort of charm: I loaned her something of Great Value to me, and it was supposed to give her luck. It's still with her. I'd be grateful to know if she's doing well. :)


(5) This girl, I shall hereby refer to as She-Who-I-Cannot-Name-Because-I'm-Darned-Ashamed. For the longest time, I really, really liked her, but I screwed up QUITE ROYALLY. :p We're friends though. I hardly get to speak to her anymore. And I still can't quite think of roses without cringing, twitching, remembering. I started writing poetry for kicks because she brought it up in a conversation. That conversation has changed my life.


(6) Ang pinaka-malambing na taong kilala ko. She gives me hugs at random, out of the blue. I think it's what she uses in lieu of handshakes. In fact, unti-unti na akong nagiging malambing dahil napupulot ko ito sa kanya! :p She's very up-to-date with what's happening with my life, as I am to hers. We've had disagreements (some lasting weeks), but she's a peach. She's one of 'many of my patients,' and I'd say more but us 'doctors' have 'confidentiality clauses' to consider. hehehe She's also my former boss. :p


(7) To this day, I remember him as the first friend, from way, way back in grade school. Why first friend? I think it was more of "first friend who stuck around", and his family is like family already. He's made quite a name for himself these days. He loaned me a whole bunch of books which shaped my thinking. He's been on TV loads of times, for different reasons. nyahahaha. I still have some of his PS2 games here at home. I'm in no immediate hurry to return them. :p


(8) This girl's really thoughtful; she hands people gifts, little notes and letters just to say 'hi'. I met her in Ateneo's Summer Enrichment Program (SEP) when I was entering 3rd year high. She struck me as very easy to talk to, and by the end of summer, we were always in touch with each others' lives. 3rd and 4th year high were pockmarked with memories of phone calls with her. To this day, she still asks me to write her stuff just for fun. She also got me started tutoring kids, and thus, she has changed my life! :D


(9) 'Soul Brother' is what he calls me, and I would call him thus. Noon, akala ko type niya yung isang tao dito sa list (nyahahahaha), pero hindi pala. Hehe. Naging close kami dahil sa isang particular black stand-up comedian na trip na trip namin. :D He's arguably the only one I can talk to openly about certain taboos in the world. Haha. He was supposed to act for me in a play I was working on, but it didn't happen. Tsk.


(10) Years ago, I had a dream about a really, really cute girl whom I did not know. a few days later, pina-kilala ako sa kanya! (how's that for coincidence?) Needless to say, she's one of the loveliest people I've had the pleasure of being close to; andaming may type sa kanya at isa na siyang isyu queen sa amin! :p At super bait at madasalin pa. These days we don't get to talk over the phone, nor have I updated her as much. Busy kasi ang buhay ng sumasayaw ng street. :) I've told her about the dream too. Just not all the details. haha.

(although I will say that I can't EXACTLY remember who it was I saw in a dream; it's her VOICE that sounds like her. I know that whoever it was, she was tall... and this girl isn't exactly THAT tall. :p)


(11) My prom is loaded with memories. She is one of them, even though she and I both didn't have dates. If the person in #5 started me on poetry, this girl put me on the fast-track to loving it. We were also fond of certain things, like angels, music, good books and quiet moments just talking. Over time, the story was that a certain jealous boyfriend didn't want me calling her (but looking back, I think it was her excuse to keep me away. hehe). We aren't exactly friends anymore; if I saw her in the street one day, I'd recognize her, but odds are she'd already have forgotten me. I had half a mind to go search for her in her gigantic school, but I don't know.

Years have passed, and I don't know whether or not I loved her, or if it was just the idea of her I loved.


(12) I've an ever-changing set of friends over the years. She's one of the few of my friends who's met my whole family, not including uncles and aunts. Ayon sa kanya, ang first impression niya sa akin ay "sino 'tong bwiset na 'to??" (or something to that effect!). She now is a very close friend, and she knows a LOT of my dirt. :p

Tsismis: Noong hinulaan ko boyfriend niya with cards, at kasama siya, may lumabas na card na may meaning na "good news". At the mention of the meaning, we wondered. Sabi namin, "ano kaya yun"? She then put her hand on his, looked him in the eye, and said to him: "Alam mo, I'm pregnant." wahahahahaha! laugh trip talaga.


(13) Groupmates kami nito noong Filipino class, and to this day, we've been pals. I clandestinely snuck her a letter from this boy she was in love with, even though her mom hates that guy's guts. 'Thoughtful' is one of her nicer traits; nga lang, hindi siya marunong makiramay sa taong banas! Hahaha! She's also an amazing actress, and has such a lovely voice! Mental bookmark ko naman dito ay ang "bitterest cup of coffee"; nanlibre ako around the time of my birthday, and it was a very, very difficult week for her then, and the conversations was just... sad. (speaking of which, malapit nga pala b-day niya...)

I will never admit it to her, but she's helped me find God.


(14) Mahina ang ilong ko, but I LOVE the perfume this girl wears. In fact, even when she doesn't wear the perfume, she smells real nice too! I learned how to play poker at the same time as her. Self-proclaimed 'sabog', and very hyper, and yet I've seen her when she's not (though most people can't imagine what that's like). She's one of the girls who tells me "Boys suck!" and goes into tiarides about how men are miserable filth, and I'd just nod my head and say "it's okay." :P

Oh yeah, remember the girl in #12? She wrote a story and quite strangely, kasama itong si #14 dun. :p Riot talaga. :)


(15) You know how they say that the bestest friendships last countless arguments? It is both my insecurity and my pride that I've never had a real, lasting argument with this guy. We've been tight since 1st year high, and we've gone through all sorts of kooky and not-so-pleasant things together. Hehe. Kung sa mundo ng Harry Potter, I can safely say na ako si Sirius Black pag pinag-tabi ninyo kami: siya yung sikat na sikat a dude, at ako yung sidekick na laging promotor ng crazy adventures. :p



Feel free to comment. ü

current music: I'm Housin' - Rage Against the Machine

Shucks. This blog's starting to gather molds and dirt, figuratively. I suppose it's high time I start updating.

As of today, it's Saturday and my parents have left the city for a retreat. Meantime, I've got a meeting in Ateneo later at around 1 PM, for a focus-group discussion (FGD) regarding Days retreats! How's that for coincidence? My brother and sister are still upstairs, and judging from the fact that I can't hear the TV or stereo working upstairs, they must still be asleep.

I've thought about this meeting. A-Days, for over a year now, has become a very sacred commitment to me. But I wonder, if I should really keep at it, and for how much longer?

Since December, every batch I've staffed in featured me getting sick, be it asthma or a fever, or stomach flu or a combination of all three (Payatas batch survivor!). When I return, I'm dead tired and I often don't have enough energy to go through my normal routines, unlike when I started staffing a year ago. My father, being a doctor, has advised me to take it slow, but that's easier said than done; I've often been assigned for tasks that take me awake late into nights, and need me to carry heavy things. (ie: Housing, like my current music says)

I used to be able to attend all the meetings and was one of the most up-to-date on all operations of the impending retreats. Now, I barely arrive on time for them, and in the retreats themselves, I have trouble being efficient, mostly because of my illnesses. High blood pressure sucks.

And yet, there's still stuff I hope to achieve: staff for another year, sponsor my siblings and/or friends, rector my own batch, do housing again, head the music crew... (I'm laughing at myself in my head at these wishful thoughts!)

It doesn't look any easier for the next few months: I'm directing Jihan's play, I'm preparing my practicum, I'm struggling to make those homeworks for History and Art Writing, I'm trying to write more poems for that thesis with Sir DM, and I'm barely passing in two subjects. I credit my bad time management for these fiascos (jogging with Jihan, lunches out with the girls, etc), but I also know that anything more on my plate will be the end of me.

(Hell, time is so scarce, the worst thing that can happen to me is to fall in love, I tell you.)

What's more, if I do take that LAE, I'd be far, far more stressed juggling everything. And if I pass? That's when the shit hits the fan; I think I may indeed be forced to stop.

So do I give up A-Days? Lord knows I don't want to. Even if the world seems like its conspiring to try and stop me.

current music: Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell on You) - Aqualung

As of Last Night

My head has been killing me. I originally thought it was because I've gone a week or so without my glasses, which I misplaced for a while. I've found them again, but then it wasn't the answer. Maybe it was my 'reverse insomnia', where I'd get sleep, only to wake at 2 AM, and unable to return to sleep all day.

I'm not sure whether or not the headache was because of the glasses, or the PC, or the heat, or my high blood, or my brother singing songs by "The Used" a capella, or a combination of sorts. All I knew was my head hurt really, really bad.

(It didn't quite help that I had go to an FGD on that head. Wala lang; powered-down mga sinasabi ko, but I could at least stay focused.)

Last night, I texted people about the headache (which was at about 8PM at its highest point), they all resoundingly advised me to get some sleep. Mela even went so far as to help me get to sleep, with her own cure for insomnia! It went something like this:

- open all the windows
- change the sheets
- turn on the electric fan
- play slow music (a la Norah Jones)
- take a warm drink (milk, tea, hot chocolate, et al)
- a light snack
- a nice long relaxing shower/bath
- put a nice scent on my new bedsheets

I told her it wasn't just the longest text message anyone ever sent, but it was also one of the craziest things I ever heard. :p

Next thing I knew I was spraying the room and my new bedsheest with Glad Air and Fabric freshner. :p

I even brandished incense sticks and my room started to smell like a DWTL batch! Like staffer's quarters, maybe. And some jazz from the radio playing. Hehe. I also got the rainstick to help make soothing, relaxing noise. And rain. (I think it did rain! I forget.) And played Aqualing's "Strange and Beautiful" (which is my current music right now) on my PC as the last thing I played before shutting down.

Of course, I've a feeling that after my reply, she'd have thought I was mocking her suggestion. :p We ended up making a deal that if it worked, I'd buy her the frozen Milo drinks at the caf. Hehe.

Did it work? Well...
I will say that I was able to sleep at 9 PM, but by 2 AM, I was up again, as usual! :S BUT! I will say I was able to doze off right away. :) So parang 9 PM to 2 AM, and then 2 AM to 7 AM sleep... 9-10 hrs, kuno.

And my head still kinda hurts. But I ain't sleepy.

I've half a mind to tell her that it didn't work, that I still ended up wide awake at 2 in the morning, and that my head still hurts. Hehe. Or, I oughta pay up. After all, sleep is sleep, and I did wake up this morning feeling refreshed and grateful.

Oh well. That's that.

-------

I still wonder if there's really some kind of spell on me that's making me do these crazy things at the drop of a pin. :p

Know what else? The loudest thought in my head was that I wished that it was her perfume that I could spray on these bedsheets. [eh syempre, I love that scent!] :)

(but no, I shouldn't tell her that. she'd kick me, slap me, or worse. :p)

Y'see, after lunch yesterday Mela and I had a talk about music. I shared how, for the most part, I tend to have a humougous palate of music I like to listen to. And I'm talking huge. And yet, there's always a set of 20 or so songs that I cannot live without.

I never tried writing them down, let alone mentally sum them into a list. So here there be my attempt to compile. I already knew 10 of them, but recently I've been listening to new stuff, and re-discovering old stuff. :) I told her they were about 20. I did not expect it'd be closer to 3-4 dozen songs.

What can I say? I listen. :)

THE SONGS I MOST DEFINITELY NEED:

1.) Waiting in Vain - Bob Marley / Annie Lennox / MYMP
2.) Keep 'Ya Head Up - Tupac Shakur
3.) True - Spandau Ballet
4.) Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay / A-Days Music Crew
5.) Heaven Help - Lenny Kravitz
6.) Telepono - Sugarfree
7.) Where the Streets Have No Name - U2
8.) Hold On - Phil Collins
9.) 1/2 Wishing - Mojofly
10.) Everything - Lifehouse
11.) Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
12.) 911 - Wyclef Jean
13.) Cupid - 112
14.) Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
15.) Patawad - Chubibo
16.) Burnout - Sugarfree
17.) The Way You Look Tonight - Frank Sinatra
18.) The Light - Common
19.) Rockstar - N.E.R.D.
20.) Sa Uulitin - Mojofly
21.) Another Day - Mojofly
22.) Stars - Hungry Young Poets
23.) Renegades of Funk - Rage Against the Machine
24.) Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity) - Incubus
25.) Like A Stone - Audioslave
26.) In My Place - Coldplay
27.) Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls
28.) Untitled (How Does It Feel) - D'Angelo
29.) Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang - Freestyle & Pops Fernandez / Ogie Alcasid 30.) Pilgrims - South Border
31.) Under My Skin - Frank Sinatra & Bono
32.) I've Got A Woman - Ray Charles
33.) Cannonball - Damien Rice
34.) The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
35.) Everyday - Agot Isidro
36.) Just Friends (Sunny) - Musiq
37.) Here to Stay - Josh Groban
38.) Over and Over - Nelly & Tim McGraw
39.) One Mic - Nas
40.) Jeepney - Sponge Cola
41.) Harana - Parokya ni Edgar
42.) Halaga - Parokya ni Edgar
43.) Listen - Stonefree
44.) So Into You - Fabolous & Tamia
45.) Love You Down - INOJ
46.) Teardrops - Lovestation
47.) Rewind - Craig David & The Artful Dodger
48.) Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind
49.) How I Could Just Kill A Man - Rage Against the Machine
50.) Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell On You) - Aqualung
51.) Dear Mama - Tupac Shakur
52.)




Alam ko meron pa na hindi ko pa sinusulat. Pasensya na lang. :)

current music: Real People - Common

I wonder at times if people still read this. And I believe that ever since I lost a big chunk of my layout/template and sidebar, I am not able to read many, many of my friends' blogs.

If you believe you're one of them, kindly drop a message/comment for this entry, and tell me where I can read your stories.

Wala lang.