current music: I Didn't Know I Was Looking For Love - Everything but the Girl
Yeah. I don't know why, but I've fallen into a bit of a funk. I'm listening to EBTG (like right now) and I have trouble getting out of bed. I have trouble sleeping. I write and write and write on my journals and other blogs and things for work, but they're never near what I want to say, in form or word. I am distracted more. It's only my kendo that keeps me genuinely busy enough to push away my daydreams, but I can only swing a bamboo sword around for so long. After that, I'm in bed, resting, and invariably, dreaming of angels flitting around the sky, smiling a smile that doesn't go away.
Such is what happens when a woman crosses my life, or rather, returns. And yes, I know I am thinking too much, and I know I should stop. Then again, the "too much thinking" isn't what I think is bad; its the "too much feeling".
I hate this, but I feel that I will have to deal with this thing; I hardly shake a "bad moon" overnight.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I am touched that you still try, that you still want me in your life, never mind that I'm more often than not found at the fringes of your waking mind's eye, at the outskirts of the light that is your memory.
I am happy we're still cool, despite everything.
But right now?
I honestly don't know if you're still worth all that trouble, never mind the six or seven years I've been lighting these candles in my chest, counting stars in the sky, or watching the sea and thinking of you, rising from waves like a lovely mermaid with arms open for me and me alone.
All that I've done, and as hard as it is for me to cast you like a cancer, a part of me finds that I'm probably really cutting off the nerves that makes the heart beat. That I really want you back. That I really did mean it when I said that I loved you, and that the many years I've lived really add up to this moment when I realize that I really can't take that back.
And it kills me because I know I should really just leave you on the wayside, after all the crap you've made me feel.
I am happy we're still cool, despite everything.
But right now?
I honestly don't know if you're still worth all that trouble, never mind the six or seven years I've been lighting these candles in my chest, counting stars in the sky, or watching the sea and thinking of you, rising from waves like a lovely mermaid with arms open for me and me alone.
All that I've done, and as hard as it is for me to cast you like a cancer, a part of me finds that I'm probably really cutting off the nerves that makes the heart beat. That I really want you back. That I really did mean it when I said that I loved you, and that the many years I've lived really add up to this moment when I realize that I really can't take that back.
And it kills me because I know I should really just leave you on the wayside, after all the crap you've made me feel.
28 things Most Girls don't know
(may point siya, come to think of it)
1.--Guys may be flirting around all day
but before they go to sleep, they
always think about the girl they truly
care about.
2.--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
3.--Guys will do anything just to get
you to notice him
4.--Guys hate it when you talk about
your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.
5.--Boyfriends need to be reassured
often that they're still loved.
6.--Don't talk about your guy friends
to
your boyfriend.
7.--Guys get jealous easily.
8.--Guys are more emotional than they'd
like people to think.
9.--Giving a guy a hanging message
like "You know
what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make
him jump to a conclusion that is far
from what you are thinking. And he'll
assume he did something wrong and
he'll obsess about it trying to figure
it out.
10.--Guys are good flatterers when
courting but they usually stammer when
they talk to a girl they really like.
11.--A usual act that proves that the
guy
likes you is when he teases you.
12.--Guys love you more than you love
them if they are serious in your
relationships.
13.--Guys think WAY too much. One small
thing a girl does, even if she doesn't
notice it can make the guy think about
it for hours, trying to figure out
what it meant.
14.--Guys seek for advice from girls
not
other guys. Because most guys think
alike, so if one guy's confused, then
we're all confused.
15.--When a guy asks you to leave him
alone, he's just actually
saying, "Please come and listen to me."
16.--If a guy starts to talk seriously,
listen to him. It doesn't happen that
often, so when it does, you know
something's up.
17.--If your best guy friend seems to
avoid you or is never around when
you're with your boyfriend, he's
probably jealous and likes you.
18.--When a guy tells you that you are
beautiful, don't say you aren't. It
makes them want to stop telling you
because they don't want you to
disagree with them.
19--When a guy looks at you for longer
than a second, he's definitely
thinking something.
20--Guys don't like girls who punch
harder than they do.
21--A guy has more problems than you
can
see with your naked eyes.
22--Don't be a snob. Guys can be
intimidated and give up easily.
23--Guys talk about girls more than
girls talk about guys.
24--Guys hate rejection, but they hate
being led on even more.
25--If you are going to reject a guy,
just do it. Don't say they are like a
brother or just good friends, it just
hurts even more. Tell them that you
aren't interested in a relationship
and they will respect you.
26--Guys really think that girls are
strange and have unpredictable
decisions and are MAD confusing but
somehow are drawn even more to them.
27--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and
health just to be with you, he really
likes you and wants to be with you as
much as possible.
28---Girls, if u don't repost this
within 1 hr then you will lose the guy
of your life
---Guys if you don't repost this in
one hr then you will lose the girl of
your life.
post this as:
28 things most girls dont know
(may point siya, come to think of it)
1.--Guys may be flirting around all day
but before they go to sleep, they
always think about the girl they truly
care about.
2.--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
3.--Guys will do anything just to get
you to notice him
4.--Guys hate it when you talk about
your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.
5.--Boyfriends need to be reassured
often that they're still loved.
6.--Don't talk about your guy friends
to
your boyfriend.
7.--Guys get jealous easily.
8.--Guys are more emotional than they'd
like people to think.
9.--Giving a guy a hanging message
like "You know
what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make
him jump to a conclusion that is far
from what you are thinking. And he'll
assume he did something wrong and
he'll obsess about it trying to figure
it out.
10.--Guys are good flatterers when
courting but they usually stammer when
they talk to a girl they really like.
11.--A usual act that proves that the
guy
likes you is when he teases you.
12.--Guys love you more than you love
them if they are serious in your
relationships.
13.--Guys think WAY too much. One small
thing a girl does, even if she doesn't
notice it can make the guy think about
it for hours, trying to figure out
what it meant.
14.--Guys seek for advice from girls
not
other guys. Because most guys think
alike, so if one guy's confused, then
we're all confused.
15.--When a guy asks you to leave him
alone, he's just actually
saying, "Please come and listen to me."
16.--If a guy starts to talk seriously,
listen to him. It doesn't happen that
often, so when it does, you know
something's up.
17.--If your best guy friend seems to
avoid you or is never around when
you're with your boyfriend, he's
probably jealous and likes you.
18.--When a guy tells you that you are
beautiful, don't say you aren't. It
makes them want to stop telling you
because they don't want you to
disagree with them.
19--When a guy looks at you for longer
than a second, he's definitely
thinking something.
20--Guys don't like girls who punch
harder than they do.
21--A guy has more problems than you
can
see with your naked eyes.
22--Don't be a snob. Guys can be
intimidated and give up easily.
23--Guys talk about girls more than
girls talk about guys.
24--Guys hate rejection, but they hate
being led on even more.
25--If you are going to reject a guy,
just do it. Don't say they are like a
brother or just good friends, it just
hurts even more. Tell them that you
aren't interested in a relationship
and they will respect you.
26--Guys really think that girls are
strange and have unpredictable
decisions and are MAD confusing but
somehow are drawn even more to them.
27--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and
health just to be with you, he really
likes you and wants to be with you as
much as possible.
28---Girls, if u don't repost this
within 1 hr then you will lose the guy
of your life
---Guys if you don't repost this in
one hr then you will lose the girl of
your life.
post this as:
28 things most girls dont know
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
current music: Solu Music - Fade (original mix)
Wishing! (a 2008 wish-list)
I still can't believe I'll be 24 within a week! w00t!
(heck, some days I still have trouble imagining myself aging beyond 20)
Like I said last post, I'd be putting up a wish-list. This should also cover stuff into next year. This is is primarily for my aunts and uncles overseas, but can apply for everyone! So first, the blacklist.
DO NOT GET ME:
1.) CD's of Music
Simple principle: I'm very picky. While I always say I'll listen to anything, don't assume I'll readily pop that CD of a hot new emo band in my car player or in my iPod. Sorry na lang. If I don't ask for it, I'll find it on my own.
2.) Any dumb movie/video game/book you think I'll like.
Same principle. Odds are, I already have copies of movies I openly like (ie: Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Love Actually). So save yourself the drama. Same goes for books (Watchmen, Trainspotting, Blade of the Immortal) and video games (Katamari, NBA Live, Final Fantasy). Give money to poor instead.
3.) Clothes
Duh. They won't fit. Trust me. Buy me clothes when you're out with me instead. This includes shoes and socks.
4.) Planners of any kind
I already got a cool one. So no dice.
So what do I want?
1.) Scarves!
One of my most favorite things to wear. If you needed to find me in a crowd, I'd wear a scarf. It's the least common article of clothing in the Philippines and it's one of the things I love using the most. I'll take any kind, it's sure to make my day. The longer the better!
2.) A decent soccer ball!
Because even if it's my favorite sport, I don't have a nice ball for it! Not since after the one I had back in college got punctured. So yeah. Please?
3.) Money!
Self-explanatory. Even better, donate the money to the AAA-Gawad Kalinga village! :D
4.) A DVD/VCD/Blue-Ray/VHS/etc of Interstella 5555!
Daft Punk and Leiji M's masterpiece. I already have my own downloaded copy but that'll be awesome to have it on original DVD.
5.) Something to remember you by.
An easy thing to get me, and you're limited only by your creativity. Did you see Chimoms's 1UP mushroom? Ganyan. The more creative, the better. One of my favorites was a boomerang that my friend brought back from Australia. Panalo!
6.) 160 GB iPod Classic/iPod Touch
It's not yet time for me to retire my 5th generation 30 GB, but I know I can do with an upgrade. You don't have to buy me a new one; if you let me know where I can "trade up" mine (swap plus cash for a 160 like they do with cellphones) I'll be cool.
7.) DVD's of TV Shows!
It's no secret: I DO NOT WATCH TV, not anymore since our TV set got busted and lost all its color. I only get to view things when I have video copies of them on DVD or whatever. (or kung super pumipilit akong manood ng Studio23 or whatever). So help me naman. :p
8.) House Music!
A burned CD of house means more to me than that grammy-nominated metal group they have on store shelves. Yes, I am encouraging this one because I'd love more people to go and listen to the CD's you will burn yourselves! Personal preferences lean toward goovy deep house and French house genres. :D
9.) Next-gen games machines!
Or is it "current gen"? I don't own any of the three big players out there (Xbox360, PS3, Nintendo Wii) and I'm at loathe to pick just one. So whoever makes it easier on me by getting me any of them will be a hero! :D
10.) Books of Poetry.
Be very careful with this one. I love poetry and relish and book I get, but if you will indeed buy me something, do NOT get from Ateneo's ORP bookstore or from National Bookstore Katipunan. :p I've cherry-picked those places. Best go for the books that go "Complete works" of poets! Sulit lagi.
Anyway, that'll be fine. There's more stuff, but they're a bit "pie-in-the-sky" for me. hehehe!
Wishing! (a 2008 wish-list)
I still can't believe I'll be 24 within a week! w00t!
(heck, some days I still have trouble imagining myself aging beyond 20)
Like I said last post, I'd be putting up a wish-list. This should also cover stuff into next year. This is is primarily for my aunts and uncles overseas, but can apply for everyone! So first, the blacklist.
DO NOT GET ME:
1.) CD's of Music
Simple principle: I'm very picky. While I always say I'll listen to anything, don't assume I'll readily pop that CD of a hot new emo band in my car player or in my iPod. Sorry na lang. If I don't ask for it, I'll find it on my own.
2.) Any dumb movie/video game/book you think I'll like.
Same principle. Odds are, I already have copies of movies I openly like (ie: Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Love Actually). So save yourself the drama. Same goes for books (Watchmen, Trainspotting, Blade of the Immortal) and video games (Katamari, NBA Live, Final Fantasy). Give money to poor instead.
3.) Clothes
Duh. They won't fit. Trust me. Buy me clothes when you're out with me instead. This includes shoes and socks.
4.) Planners of any kind
I already got a cool one. So no dice.
So what do I want?
1.) Scarves!
One of my most favorite things to wear. If you needed to find me in a crowd, I'd wear a scarf. It's the least common article of clothing in the Philippines and it's one of the things I love using the most. I'll take any kind, it's sure to make my day. The longer the better!
2.) A decent soccer ball!
Because even if it's my favorite sport, I don't have a nice ball for it! Not since after the one I had back in college got punctured. So yeah. Please?
3.) Money!
Self-explanatory. Even better, donate the money to the AAA-Gawad Kalinga village! :D
4.) A DVD/VCD/Blue-Ray/VHS/etc of Interstella 5555!
Daft Punk and Leiji M's masterpiece. I already have my own downloaded copy but that'll be awesome to have it on original DVD.
5.) Something to remember you by.
An easy thing to get me, and you're limited only by your creativity. Did you see Chimoms's 1UP mushroom? Ganyan. The more creative, the better. One of my favorites was a boomerang that my friend brought back from Australia. Panalo!
6.) 160 GB iPod Classic/iPod Touch
It's not yet time for me to retire my 5th generation 30 GB, but I know I can do with an upgrade. You don't have to buy me a new one; if you let me know where I can "trade up" mine (swap plus cash for a 160 like they do with cellphones) I'll be cool.
7.) DVD's of TV Shows!
It's no secret: I DO NOT WATCH TV, not anymore since our TV set got busted and lost all its color. I only get to view things when I have video copies of them on DVD or whatever. (or kung super pumipilit akong manood ng Studio23 or whatever). So help me naman. :p
8.) House Music!
A burned CD of house means more to me than that grammy-nominated metal group they have on store shelves. Yes, I am encouraging this one because I'd love more people to go and listen to the CD's you will burn yourselves! Personal preferences lean toward goovy deep house and French house genres. :D
9.) Next-gen games machines!
Or is it "current gen"? I don't own any of the three big players out there (Xbox360, PS3, Nintendo Wii) and I'm at loathe to pick just one. So whoever makes it easier on me by getting me any of them will be a hero! :D
10.) Books of Poetry.
Be very careful with this one. I love poetry and relish and book I get, but if you will indeed buy me something, do NOT get from Ateneo's ORP bookstore or from National Bookstore Katipunan. :p I've cherry-picked those places. Best go for the books that go "Complete works" of poets! Sulit lagi.
Anyway, that'll be fine. There's more stuff, but they're a bit "pie-in-the-sky" for me. hehehe!
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
current music: Want You to Know - Freelance Hellraiser
Taken from a friend's blog, post dated Feb. 14, 2007.
I will spend today wishing I were with you. Tagaytay will be perfect, I'm sure. Perfect for this perfectly saccharine holiday. It's just the escape I need; you know how much I've been dealing with lately. And yet, I know I'll just be thinking of you, and trying not to cry.
I considered not going, you know. Because it wouldn't be fair. Not fair at all. But the alternative was staying home, perhaps watching some Grey's, and eating my feelings. Then of course the tears would come. I didn't want to spend this year's Valentine's that way. Not that last year's was much better. But anyway. I'm choosing to try to be happy. Operative word being try. I guess the most I can hope for these days is distraction, and that's exactly what Tagaytay offered.
It's been, what, six days? Yeah, crazy of me to do such a thing a week before Valentine's Day. But you didn't leave me with much choice. You had barely anything to say. And when you did say things, they didn't leave me with much hope either. I so wanted you to fight for it, to convince me that there was sense in all of this, that we didn't spend so much time just to end up with nothing. But all I got from you was defeat, resignation to the fact that you had lost me and there wasn't much you could do about it because I had made up my mind.
You did say afterwards that you are fighting, that you'd be unbelievably stupid to give it all up. But where is that fight? It's Valentine's Day for heaven's sake. I'm not asking for much, you know that. Just some sign that you're more than just words, that you do love me enough to show me just how much. Because otherwise, there's not much reason for me to believe it.
Hay, I hate that I can't even find comfort in my music. Somebody suggested that I listen to heavy metal, saying it was guaranteed to make me feel better. But I guess the masochist in me still chooses crap like Third Eye Blind and Snow Patrol. And I realized that there are simply too many songs that remind me of you, most of which I love too much not to play. Like right now, Maps just came on. I'm singing along, and I hate how heartbreakingly sad my voice sounds.
What I fear most of all is that you'll eventually forget me. I told you how I can't even imagine us being friends after this. As much as I love you and want you to be happy, the thought of seeing you with someone else is just too much to bear. Because that would mean that you had found that one person you were willing to take care of, to take risks and to sacrifice for. And I just couldn't be that person, as hard as I tried.
I agree, it is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Taken from a friend's blog, post dated Feb. 14, 2007.
I will spend today wishing I were with you. Tagaytay will be perfect, I'm sure. Perfect for this perfectly saccharine holiday. It's just the escape I need; you know how much I've been dealing with lately. And yet, I know I'll just be thinking of you, and trying not to cry.
I considered not going, you know. Because it wouldn't be fair. Not fair at all. But the alternative was staying home, perhaps watching some Grey's, and eating my feelings. Then of course the tears would come. I didn't want to spend this year's Valentine's that way. Not that last year's was much better. But anyway. I'm choosing to try to be happy. Operative word being try. I guess the most I can hope for these days is distraction, and that's exactly what Tagaytay offered.
It's been, what, six days? Yeah, crazy of me to do such a thing a week before Valentine's Day. But you didn't leave me with much choice. You had barely anything to say. And when you did say things, they didn't leave me with much hope either. I so wanted you to fight for it, to convince me that there was sense in all of this, that we didn't spend so much time just to end up with nothing. But all I got from you was defeat, resignation to the fact that you had lost me and there wasn't much you could do about it because I had made up my mind.
You did say afterwards that you are fighting, that you'd be unbelievably stupid to give it all up. But where is that fight? It's Valentine's Day for heaven's sake. I'm not asking for much, you know that. Just some sign that you're more than just words, that you do love me enough to show me just how much. Because otherwise, there's not much reason for me to believe it.
Hay, I hate that I can't even find comfort in my music. Somebody suggested that I listen to heavy metal, saying it was guaranteed to make me feel better. But I guess the masochist in me still chooses crap like Third Eye Blind and Snow Patrol. And I realized that there are simply too many songs that remind me of you, most of which I love too much not to play. Like right now, Maps just came on. I'm singing along, and I hate how heartbreakingly sad my voice sounds.
What I fear most of all is that you'll eventually forget me. I told you how I can't even imagine us being friends after this. As much as I love you and want you to be happy, the thought of seeing you with someone else is just too much to bear. Because that would mean that you had found that one person you were willing to take care of, to take risks and to sacrifice for. And I just couldn't be that person, as hard as I tried.
I agree, it is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
"He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." (Jesus) said to him, "Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."... And he turned to him, and said "Follow me." " - John 21:17-18
It makes sense now, how I've to go where I don't want to go.
Because that's everywhere you aren't.
It makes sense now, how I've to go where I don't want to go.
Because that's everywhere you aren't.
It's one thing to have Last Song Syndrome: a song stuck in your head.
It's another when a song has lodged itself into a crevice in your chest, and holed itself in, refusing to release hostages.
Drowned World / Substitute for Love
Madonna
I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly game
Some things cannot be bought
Got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for
more
I suffered fools
So gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
Had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt
So happy
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
mmmmmm
No famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one night stand, no far off land
No fire that I can spark
mmmmm
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion
===========
It's been months and I'm still not OK.
I don't think I'll ever be. Not over this; this was far too big, too dear.
===========
In totally different news, be happy for me everyone: I'm no longer a law student. :)
It's another when a song has lodged itself into a crevice in your chest, and holed itself in, refusing to release hostages.
Drowned World / Substitute for Love
Madonna
I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly game
Some things cannot be bought
Got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for
more
I suffered fools
So gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
Had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt
So happy
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
mmmmmm
No famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one night stand, no far off land
No fire that I can spark
mmmmm
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion
===========
It's been months and I'm still not OK.
I don't think I'll ever be. Not over this; this was far too big, too dear.
===========
In totally different news, be happy for me everyone: I'm no longer a law student. :)
Thursday, March 22, 2007
current music: Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins
Wow. It's morning already?
Okay. So, from my last post which was way back the day before my birthday, a lot's changed. I'm gonna get to all that. I just woke up. Clock at the bottom right corner of my screen says it's 10AM, and I've got a class come 11, so I ought to be quick.
Nevertheless, I learned a lot. And I lost a lot. And I'm strangely coping well.
I wish I could rewind time so I could correct all my idiocies, but I can't. I just have to deal with it.
I will say though: the song above is very... apt.
Wow. It's morning already?
Okay. So, from my last post which was way back the day before my birthday, a lot's changed. I'm gonna get to all that. I just woke up. Clock at the bottom right corner of my screen says it's 10AM, and I've got a class come 11, so I ought to be quick.
Nevertheless, I learned a lot. And I lost a lot. And I'm strangely coping well.
I wish I could rewind time so I could correct all my idiocies, but I can't. I just have to deal with it.
I will say though: the song above is very... apt.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Once, several months ago, when I felt this way, my father said that everything, even the dreams that I want for myself, are all difficult, just like my current predicament in law school. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but I didn't; my thoughts at the time were too badly contaminated with indignation to be rational.
Now, months later, I think I got it sort of figured out.
About myself, I know two things are for sure:
1.) I can't "make" myself love anything (or anyone). It has to be something I choose to do, and for reasons that must come naturally. Because when I REALLY love, I put everything into it, fight for it, betray friends for it, kill for it, die for it.
2.) I hate things that have no "upside". I love a challenge, but I hate it when there's nothing in it to keep me interested. Clarify: I don't mind if a challenge has nothing in it for me if I find it interesting, but even if I get a million dollars daily for something I find not worthwhile, I'm put off.
That being said, I find that I don't love law school, I can't make myself love law school, and that reading law has nothing in it that keeps me motivated, hungry, eager to keep achieving. I hunger for success, and law offers me a lot of success, but it's not a kind of success my heart wants. I find law school unrewarding. The legal profession, maybe, I just might find some small measure of happiness.
But having talked to Dad about a cousin of his and her recent legal problems, I discovered that I don't really want to get paid to solve problems of people who are too dumb to do it themselves, who could have done it themselves.
I pay no one to solve problems for me. I ask help, but won't have them do everything. Nobody does that for me, and I don't want people to do it for me. In return, I believe that I shouldn't really get paid to do it either.
Well, I dunno. All I know is that it's so hard to find something that both keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning, but is never too easy. Right now, I've got a challenge that drains me of my willingness to work.
The last time I felt that motivated and inspired was when I was directing theater, or writing poems for my grades, or teaching English to public school kids over the summer for free, or helping people find Kuya Jess. I get that everytime I apply myself in something I know for sure I love and have (some measure of) talent for.
But law?
....MAYBE I have some talent for it too. MAYBE I can enjoy it.
But right now, I find my resolve to keep at it evaporating.
My grades are bad, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm trying to fix them, but I think I'm already too deep in the red to really make an impact. I can't ask for help, because really, who'll help me?
I'm depressed, demoralized, and essentially alone in my despair.
Come March, if nothing changes, I want out.
Now, months later, I think I got it sort of figured out.
About myself, I know two things are for sure:
1.) I can't "make" myself love anything (or anyone). It has to be something I choose to do, and for reasons that must come naturally. Because when I REALLY love, I put everything into it, fight for it, betray friends for it, kill for it, die for it.
2.) I hate things that have no "upside". I love a challenge, but I hate it when there's nothing in it to keep me interested. Clarify: I don't mind if a challenge has nothing in it for me if I find it interesting, but even if I get a million dollars daily for something I find not worthwhile, I'm put off.
That being said, I find that I don't love law school, I can't make myself love law school, and that reading law has nothing in it that keeps me motivated, hungry, eager to keep achieving. I hunger for success, and law offers me a lot of success, but it's not a kind of success my heart wants. I find law school unrewarding. The legal profession, maybe, I just might find some small measure of happiness.
But having talked to Dad about a cousin of his and her recent legal problems, I discovered that I don't really want to get paid to solve problems of people who are too dumb to do it themselves, who could have done it themselves.
I pay no one to solve problems for me. I ask help, but won't have them do everything. Nobody does that for me, and I don't want people to do it for me. In return, I believe that I shouldn't really get paid to do it either.
Well, I dunno. All I know is that it's so hard to find something that both keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning, but is never too easy. Right now, I've got a challenge that drains me of my willingness to work.
The last time I felt that motivated and inspired was when I was directing theater, or writing poems for my grades, or teaching English to public school kids over the summer for free, or helping people find Kuya Jess. I get that everytime I apply myself in something I know for sure I love and have (some measure of) talent for.
But law?
....MAYBE I have some talent for it too. MAYBE I can enjoy it.
But right now, I find my resolve to keep at it evaporating.
My grades are bad, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm trying to fix them, but I think I'm already too deep in the red to really make an impact. I can't ask for help, because really, who'll help me?
I'm depressed, demoralized, and essentially alone in my despair.
Come March, if nothing changes, I want out.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
TUESDAY:
It ended in defeat for me. A black eye, a broken and bleeding nose, and bruises on my face that, as of this writing, still haven't healed. My hands also hurt. It hurts when I carry things with my left hand. I can't wear glasses, and it also hurts when I read. I got grounded for a handful of days, because, well, Dad didn't like me fighting with my kid brother.
By now, people know about it, and I've broken my silence regarding the matter. I figured that I ought to keep quiet because the policy is never to let other people in on the 'dirty laundry' about the family. In this instance, I didn't want to keep quiet. I felt for too long I had been keeping mum about how my brother causes conflict and friction at home, and how I always just accede and let him have his way to keeping the peace.
Well, the peace ended, if only for a brief two minutes of much punching.
WEDNESDAY:
Forgiveness is often easy for me, forgetting less so.
What really sucked was how nobody really believed me when I said I forgave my brother. Not my brother, not Dad. Hell, I even got chastised about how "I was making it worse" and all that, but what the hell. He was ranting about how I wasn't nice and how I ought to change. I say, that frankly, I'm right because what I did was something Dad himself wouldn't be able to do.
At least the doctors say that it's not too serious.
THURSDAY:
Slow.
Although Roel suddenly joined Days. I'm now in a frantic pursuit to make his batch a memorable one, as I'm de facto sponsor.
Admittedly, I'm delighted at the news. Finally. I won't be alone here in this household as being a Dayzer. The tricky thing was that I didn't think he'd jump the issue on me THIS SOON.
I'm still skeptical whether or not this is brought by a genuine interest in becoming a better Christian, or if it's because he's guilty about the fight and he's just trying to make amends. Because nobody just 'jumps the gun' with Days. It's too big a deal just to take so lightly.
FRIDAY:
I felt so alone. I cut class and decided to go to the mall. I shopped for a few gifts for classmates, and I watched "The Nativity Story". Lame movie, but it had its moments.
It somehow made me realize that yeah, I do someday want to fall in love, settle down, have a family, and be happy that way. In essence, that's the simplest and happiest life goal that people ever could dream for themselves back then, and it showed there. A simple and happy family life was what they wanted; then God sends his angel and poof! No more simple.
I guess that now that I'm in law school, I realized how simple my dreams really were. I'm part of a sad generation of youth, who were raised by hard-working middle class parents who sent their children (like me) to expensive, good schools and left them with a good education. Then, it's my generation that realizes there's more to life than 'perpetuating the family business'. Like how my Ateneo friend Leloy, a doctor's son, wants to just be a teacher. Or how my friend May, daughter of a lawyer, doesn't dream of more than just working as a manager for a hotel.
Or how I'm thinking of leaving law school, and I've no real place to turn to after.
SATURDAY:
It was a fun, busy kind of way. I'm still tired.
No, I still am too demoralized to be back on the school saddle. I'm losing my fire. I'm losing the purpose of why I'm still here, of why I keep trying to convince myself that I'm happy where I am when I curse every challenge. Especially as this cursing is what I do instead of welcoming these trials and travails like I used to, when I was doing work I really loved.
I read a blog entry today. I realized that sometimes, I let my daydreamt image of what would make myself happy lead me to be carried away. That the way things are, often, aren't as happy or as nice as I think they can be going, no matter how bare I've peeled and pared down those paradigms I've got.
I'm hurting physically and emotionally, and that mefanamic acid pill I've got doesn't look like it'll help much.
SUNDAY:
The day is still young, but already, I found myself strewn on my bed, like two years ago on that fateful night that changed everything, muttering to whoever's listening:
"Ayoko na, ayoko na, ayoko na..."
I'm half-wishing I won't be as lucky as before. I feel the exact opposite of what I really am, as I'm not alone, I'm not unloved, and I'm looked out for by people who matter to me.
I don't know why, and I'm trying to get through this, but I don't know how to either.
It ended in defeat for me. A black eye, a broken and bleeding nose, and bruises on my face that, as of this writing, still haven't healed. My hands also hurt. It hurts when I carry things with my left hand. I can't wear glasses, and it also hurts when I read. I got grounded for a handful of days, because, well, Dad didn't like me fighting with my kid brother.
By now, people know about it, and I've broken my silence regarding the matter. I figured that I ought to keep quiet because the policy is never to let other people in on the 'dirty laundry' about the family. In this instance, I didn't want to keep quiet. I felt for too long I had been keeping mum about how my brother causes conflict and friction at home, and how I always just accede and let him have his way to keeping the peace.
Well, the peace ended, if only for a brief two minutes of much punching.
WEDNESDAY:
Forgiveness is often easy for me, forgetting less so.
What really sucked was how nobody really believed me when I said I forgave my brother. Not my brother, not Dad. Hell, I even got chastised about how "I was making it worse" and all that, but what the hell. He was ranting about how I wasn't nice and how I ought to change. I say, that frankly, I'm right because what I did was something Dad himself wouldn't be able to do.
At least the doctors say that it's not too serious.
THURSDAY:
Slow.
Although Roel suddenly joined Days. I'm now in a frantic pursuit to make his batch a memorable one, as I'm de facto sponsor.
Admittedly, I'm delighted at the news. Finally. I won't be alone here in this household as being a Dayzer. The tricky thing was that I didn't think he'd jump the issue on me THIS SOON.
I'm still skeptical whether or not this is brought by a genuine interest in becoming a better Christian, or if it's because he's guilty about the fight and he's just trying to make amends. Because nobody just 'jumps the gun' with Days. It's too big a deal just to take so lightly.
FRIDAY:
I felt so alone. I cut class and decided to go to the mall. I shopped for a few gifts for classmates, and I watched "The Nativity Story". Lame movie, but it had its moments.
It somehow made me realize that yeah, I do someday want to fall in love, settle down, have a family, and be happy that way. In essence, that's the simplest and happiest life goal that people ever could dream for themselves back then, and it showed there. A simple and happy family life was what they wanted; then God sends his angel and poof! No more simple.
I guess that now that I'm in law school, I realized how simple my dreams really were. I'm part of a sad generation of youth, who were raised by hard-working middle class parents who sent their children (like me) to expensive, good schools and left them with a good education. Then, it's my generation that realizes there's more to life than 'perpetuating the family business'. Like how my Ateneo friend Leloy, a doctor's son, wants to just be a teacher. Or how my friend May, daughter of a lawyer, doesn't dream of more than just working as a manager for a hotel.
Or how I'm thinking of leaving law school, and I've no real place to turn to after.
SATURDAY:
It was a fun, busy kind of way. I'm still tired.
No, I still am too demoralized to be back on the school saddle. I'm losing my fire. I'm losing the purpose of why I'm still here, of why I keep trying to convince myself that I'm happy where I am when I curse every challenge. Especially as this cursing is what I do instead of welcoming these trials and travails like I used to, when I was doing work I really loved.
I read a blog entry today. I realized that sometimes, I let my daydreamt image of what would make myself happy lead me to be carried away. That the way things are, often, aren't as happy or as nice as I think they can be going, no matter how bare I've peeled and pared down those paradigms I've got.
I'm hurting physically and emotionally, and that mefanamic acid pill I've got doesn't look like it'll help much.
SUNDAY:
The day is still young, but already, I found myself strewn on my bed, like two years ago on that fateful night that changed everything, muttering to whoever's listening:
"Ayoko na, ayoko na, ayoko na..."
I'm half-wishing I won't be as lucky as before. I feel the exact opposite of what I really am, as I'm not alone, I'm not unloved, and I'm looked out for by people who matter to me.
I don't know why, and I'm trying to get through this, but I don't know how to either.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
current music: Break You Off - The Roots ft. Musiq
Ay pwede.
Yey. I love the rain! And it really shows.
Yep. Now I know. Hmmm. But my iPod today doesn't have a lot of that kind of stuff...
Hindi naman siguro. Especially on the fast food part. Pero tama siya sa fashion at sa friends part.
===============
Walang pasok ngayon at bukas. Sana nga lang hindi uulan. Kasi naman o. Nakaka-asar naman kung free day ka at trapped ka naman sa bahay, no?
Meantime, it'll be Annelle's housewarming on Monday. I wonder what to get her for her house? :0
You Were a Toad |
 You drift into altered states of consciousness freely and easily. You also have the power to change luck and life a long life. |
Ay pwede.
You Are Rain |
 You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing |
Yey. I love the rain! And it really shows.
Your Taste in Music: |
 90's Alternative: Highest Influence 90's R&B: Highest Influence 80's R&B: High Influence 90's Hip Hop: High Influence Adult Alternative: High Influence |
Yep. Now I know. Hmmm. But my iPod today doesn't have a lot of that kind of stuff...
You Should Be A Gemini |
 What's good about you: witty and energetic, you're simply the most fun to be around What's bad about you: you're flighty - losing interest in people and projects quickly In love: you enjoy the "honeymoon phase," but after that it's hard for you to stick around In friendship, you're: likely to have many groups of friends, with many different interests Your ideal job: mime, guru, or cartoonist Your sense of fashion: casual and simple You like to pig out on: fast food, especially burritos |
Hindi naman siguro. Especially on the fast food part. Pero tama siya sa fashion at sa friends part.
===============
Walang pasok ngayon at bukas. Sana nga lang hindi uulan. Kasi naman o. Nakaka-asar naman kung free day ka at trapped ka naman sa bahay, no?
Meantime, it'll be Annelle's housewarming on Monday. I wonder what to get her for her house? :0
Friday, November 17, 2006
from Annelle.
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a
deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and
exclusively.
But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and
content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally
and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you
discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will
not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned
for you. You will never be united with another until you are united
with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other
desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want
you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just
keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest
things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things
I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others
have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just
keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show
you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute
to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both
satsifeid exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared
for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to
see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy
materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and
perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you
utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a
deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and
exclusively.
But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and
content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally
and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you
discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will
not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned
for you. You will never be united with another until you are united
with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other
desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want
you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just
keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest
things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things
I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others
have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just
keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show
you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute
to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both
satsifeid exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared
for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to
see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy
materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and
perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you
utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
Thursday, November 02, 2006
current music: Chasing Echoes - Katelyn Tarver
Lovers
Arthur H Adams
I thought, because we had been friends so long,
That I knew all your dear lips dared intend
Before they dawned to speech. Our thoughts would blend,
I dreamed, like memories that faintly throng.
Your voice dwelt in me like an olden song.
Petal, I thought, from petal I could rend
The blossom of your soul, and at the end
Find still the same sweet fragrance. I was wrong.
Last evening in our eyes love brimmed to birth;
Our friendship faded, lost in passion's mist.
We had been strangers only! Here, close-caught
Against my heart the dim face I had sought
So long! And now the only thing on earth--
Your piteous mouth, a-tremble to be kissed!
Lovers
Arthur H Adams
I thought, because we had been friends so long,
That I knew all your dear lips dared intend
Before they dawned to speech. Our thoughts would blend,
I dreamed, like memories that faintly throng.
Your voice dwelt in me like an olden song.
Petal, I thought, from petal I could rend
The blossom of your soul, and at the end
Find still the same sweet fragrance. I was wrong.
Last evening in our eyes love brimmed to birth;
Our friendship faded, lost in passion's mist.
We had been strangers only! Here, close-caught
Against my heart the dim face I had sought
So long! And now the only thing on earth--
Your piteous mouth, a-tremble to be kissed!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
current music: There There - Radiohead
There are reasons why things happen.
There are no freak accidents.
Everything is gift.
And so, you are here and you walk this path
because being here is what will open things for you
if not for yourself, but for everybody else.
You will fail, you will fall, you will tire.
But don't stop.
Don't.
============
I had this spat with my Dad about a few weeks ago. It was about law. I wanted out, and he gave the ultimatum that I ought to get a job, and my salary will have to pay for everything I spend: gas, food and rent. (yup. tenant daw.)
And I was game!
But you know how the weirdest things happen when you make these decisions?
Well, suddenly my uncle arrives to talk to Roel, my brother. My brother's issue, in contrast, is that his thesis for MAC is haveing trouble taking off. Reason being, the business team he's part of think he's the "epal member" of their team, and he's left out on a lot of the decisions. Recently, he's been trying to make a push for prominence, and he needed ideas/help/capital/whatever to make the business model of theirs work.
Guess who ended up quoting the Civil Law on contracts, and coming up with negotiation power-plays to get the legal upper-hand?
Pucha. "O kita mo? Lawyer nga!" yelped my family.
It also didn't help that this uncle of mine exterted the "pressure" by highlighting how the family needs a competent lawyer. WHICH IS SO TRUE, because:
1.) one unclie (siya) has 2 kids to his common-law spouse. who can't track down her first husband, and she is, as of today, still legally married to him.
2.) my other uncle married a single mom, and the kid's father ain't paying child support.
3.) my Dad's involved in a case where some asshole tried to swindle a plot of property that belongs to the family.
4.) don't get me started with my Mom's side.
---------------
Why, Lord? Is this what you want for me?
*sigh*
Kapit, kapit...
There are reasons why things happen.
There are no freak accidents.
Everything is gift.
And so, you are here and you walk this path
because being here is what will open things for you
if not for yourself, but for everybody else.
You will fail, you will fall, you will tire.
But don't stop.
Don't.
============
I had this spat with my Dad about a few weeks ago. It was about law. I wanted out, and he gave the ultimatum that I ought to get a job, and my salary will have to pay for everything I spend: gas, food and rent. (yup. tenant daw.)
And I was game!
But you know how the weirdest things happen when you make these decisions?
Well, suddenly my uncle arrives to talk to Roel, my brother. My brother's issue, in contrast, is that his thesis for MAC is haveing trouble taking off. Reason being, the business team he's part of think he's the "epal member" of their team, and he's left out on a lot of the decisions. Recently, he's been trying to make a push for prominence, and he needed ideas/help/capital/whatever to make the business model of theirs work.
Guess who ended up quoting the Civil Law on contracts, and coming up with negotiation power-plays to get the legal upper-hand?
Pucha. "O kita mo? Lawyer nga!" yelped my family.
It also didn't help that this uncle of mine exterted the "pressure" by highlighting how the family needs a competent lawyer. WHICH IS SO TRUE, because:
1.) one unclie (siya) has 2 kids to his common-law spouse. who can't track down her first husband, and she is, as of today, still legally married to him.
2.) my other uncle married a single mom, and the kid's father ain't paying child support.
3.) my Dad's involved in a case where some asshole tried to swindle a plot of property that belongs to the family.
4.) don't get me started with my Mom's side.
---------------
Why, Lord? Is this what you want for me?
*sigh*
Kapit, kapit...
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
current music: Your Love - Alamid
On My (Very Likely) Giving Up the "Grand Manner"
Maybe it's time I finally accept that certain things, people, pursuits, goals, dreams and such just don't work for you. Just... don't. And that some things really just... do.
Where do I begin?
I know. I'll start with the easiest thing to rant about: school.
I'm at this impasse. I'm two weeks away from ending the semester and I'm facing finals and hand-destroying homeworks that must be passed in longhand.
And I've never been so un-motivated in my life.
Really. I'm really, really considering quitting law school. And I mean to just... not show up anymore.
And in so doing, giving up that outside shot to become Chief Justice, or to be ambassador of the country to England or France. I ought to stop daydreaming of driving that Ferrari, of owning that swanky flat in the city, of wining and dining women in posh restaurants or flying them around the world financed by my credit card and earnings as a high-powered attorney-of-law. I'll need to re-evaluate my power to get married and sending my kids to schools like Ateneo (and as of all the tuition raise talk at UP, that school looks tough too.) The mere IDEA of getting married looks trickier too.
I'm not happy here. I can run several reasons.
I gave up lots of opportunities to earn money straight out of college. Hell, some of those opportunities (editorial assistant, writing posts, ad agencies) from the people I've met (connections, fine) are what my peers would kill for. But I had to set them aside in favor of codals and cases.
I had to put aside the valuable time I once spent on getting/keeping fit. My health has hit a strange new low unheard of a year or even 2 years ago. I've always been overweight, but the past two years saw great improvement. I've lost all that work in two years in the first two months of law schooling. And it's not because of the pricey lunch-outs with classmates (because those were fun). I attribute it to lost sleep, to lost hours jogging, and, fine, the binges my blockmates indulge in that I share. And don't get me started on the blood-pressure spikes that classroom hours with profs create.
I've had to put away my draft notebooks and with them all those ideas for poems and stories that shan't ever see light of day. Hell, typing on blogs like this is the last bastion of my creativity. Already, I gave up applying for the Ateneo National workshop just to study my classes and earn a meager 2.0 in a Constitutional Law recitation and to fail the Persons midterms. I'm not growing artistically here. I'm growing only more and more sacrastic, more and more embittered.
Most painfully for me, is how my time is diverted from spending it with people I love. I think it doesn't need much extra explanation. Well. Maybe I'll only add about how many hours I've wasted on reading photocopies of these things, and it forced friends, relatives, and all other "loved ones" far, far into the background. I've made new friends and they're great. I've met several people who I can tell friends about with the famous "Hey... I met somebody" and they'd knowingly smile that familiar smile. But I'm not so dumb to think they'll ever replace the ones I've sacrificed a lot for over the years.
Hell, I don't even really get to go to Sunday mass or pray anymore. Really.
If anything, I've learned a few things here and there. Like how to survive high-pressure schooling the wrong way. Or how to cheat in tests and homeworks. Or how to flirt. Hmm. Not a good sign.
Yeah. I'm griping. But ultimately, I think it's not about being happy where you are, or taking pride in your situation. Sometimes you really can't because you know too little. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, commenting on how this rival soccer team manager boasted of having the best team in the world, said "Everybody things he has the prettiest wife at home." That's because we never see beyond our own punto de vista.
What would life be like away? What kind of work would a law school dropout (and Ateneo Creative Writing graduate) find?
I'll miss my friends. I'll miss Block D. I'll miss the funny moments we'd have trying to carve out a future in law. I'll have to live with never stomping around law library for that stupid Legal Bibliography homework (which, to this day, I CAN'T finish!) or never eating at Mommy's again. (Wait. No, maybe not that.) I'll need to deal with the piles of photocopied cases, the law books and the rest of the expenses my parents lovingly parted with to see me succeed in a world I never had planned to enter.
I don't regret applying and taking the test (because Lord knows what happened to me there. hehe). I just regret screwing around my personal priorities on what matters. I realize that I only wanted the glory, the stability of life, the G's. And that my original dream of Helping People got lost on the way. And that very dream can still be made real elsewhere.
I regret committing myself to that dream, knowing well what it'd take, but not knowing if it was the right dream for myself.
Granted. I'm learning a lot in law school and I've a lot more to learn too. But this? I dunno if I'm learning thing right things, at the right time.
Or, (which I personally hope to be true) that it wasn't a mistake. That, in some strange, only-God-knows way, my getting kicked out, or my dropping out, or my taking a leave, or whatever...
...all sort of opens something that I wouldn't ever have had without UP Law and law schooling "in the grand manner". (and if it's the case, it better be worth it.)
And I'm to decide whether it'll be my last two weeks and leave at the end of the sem. Or if I'll stick it till the end of the year, or, for that matter, stick as long as I'm capable of escaping the axe. Or if it's really goodbye as of right away.
Well. At the very least, I've made friends with 37 potential lawyers who can save my ass from jail someday. :p
On My (Very Likely) Giving Up the "Grand Manner"
Maybe it's time I finally accept that certain things, people, pursuits, goals, dreams and such just don't work for you. Just... don't. And that some things really just... do.
Where do I begin?
I know. I'll start with the easiest thing to rant about: school.
I'm at this impasse. I'm two weeks away from ending the semester and I'm facing finals and hand-destroying homeworks that must be passed in longhand.
And I've never been so un-motivated in my life.
Really. I'm really, really considering quitting law school. And I mean to just... not show up anymore.
And in so doing, giving up that outside shot to become Chief Justice, or to be ambassador of the country to England or France. I ought to stop daydreaming of driving that Ferrari, of owning that swanky flat in the city, of wining and dining women in posh restaurants or flying them around the world financed by my credit card and earnings as a high-powered attorney-of-law. I'll need to re-evaluate my power to get married and sending my kids to schools like Ateneo (and as of all the tuition raise talk at UP, that school looks tough too.) The mere IDEA of getting married looks trickier too.
I'm not happy here. I can run several reasons.
I gave up lots of opportunities to earn money straight out of college. Hell, some of those opportunities (editorial assistant, writing posts, ad agencies) from the people I've met (connections, fine) are what my peers would kill for. But I had to set them aside in favor of codals and cases.
I had to put aside the valuable time I once spent on getting/keeping fit. My health has hit a strange new low unheard of a year or even 2 years ago. I've always been overweight, but the past two years saw great improvement. I've lost all that work in two years in the first two months of law schooling. And it's not because of the pricey lunch-outs with classmates (because those were fun). I attribute it to lost sleep, to lost hours jogging, and, fine, the binges my blockmates indulge in that I share. And don't get me started on the blood-pressure spikes that classroom hours with profs create.
I've had to put away my draft notebooks and with them all those ideas for poems and stories that shan't ever see light of day. Hell, typing on blogs like this is the last bastion of my creativity. Already, I gave up applying for the Ateneo National workshop just to study my classes and earn a meager 2.0 in a Constitutional Law recitation and to fail the Persons midterms. I'm not growing artistically here. I'm growing only more and more sacrastic, more and more embittered.
Most painfully for me, is how my time is diverted from spending it with people I love. I think it doesn't need much extra explanation. Well. Maybe I'll only add about how many hours I've wasted on reading photocopies of these things, and it forced friends, relatives, and all other "loved ones" far, far into the background. I've made new friends and they're great. I've met several people who I can tell friends about with the famous "Hey... I met somebody" and they'd knowingly smile that familiar smile. But I'm not so dumb to think they'll ever replace the ones I've sacrificed a lot for over the years.
Hell, I don't even really get to go to Sunday mass or pray anymore. Really.
If anything, I've learned a few things here and there. Like how to survive high-pressure schooling the wrong way. Or how to cheat in tests and homeworks. Or how to flirt. Hmm. Not a good sign.
Yeah. I'm griping. But ultimately, I think it's not about being happy where you are, or taking pride in your situation. Sometimes you really can't because you know too little. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, commenting on how this rival soccer team manager boasted of having the best team in the world, said "Everybody things he has the prettiest wife at home." That's because we never see beyond our own punto de vista.
What would life be like away? What kind of work would a law school dropout (and Ateneo Creative Writing graduate) find?
I'll miss my friends. I'll miss Block D. I'll miss the funny moments we'd have trying to carve out a future in law. I'll have to live with never stomping around law library for that stupid Legal Bibliography homework (which, to this day, I CAN'T finish!) or never eating at Mommy's again. (Wait. No, maybe not that.) I'll need to deal with the piles of photocopied cases, the law books and the rest of the expenses my parents lovingly parted with to see me succeed in a world I never had planned to enter.
I don't regret applying and taking the test (because Lord knows what happened to me there. hehe). I just regret screwing around my personal priorities on what matters. I realize that I only wanted the glory, the stability of life, the G's. And that my original dream of Helping People got lost on the way. And that very dream can still be made real elsewhere.
I regret committing myself to that dream, knowing well what it'd take, but not knowing if it was the right dream for myself.
Granted. I'm learning a lot in law school and I've a lot more to learn too. But this? I dunno if I'm learning thing right things, at the right time.
Or, (which I personally hope to be true) that it wasn't a mistake. That, in some strange, only-God-knows way, my getting kicked out, or my dropping out, or my taking a leave, or whatever...
...all sort of opens something that I wouldn't ever have had without UP Law and law schooling "in the grand manner". (and if it's the case, it better be worth it.)
And I'm to decide whether it'll be my last two weeks and leave at the end of the sem. Or if I'll stick it till the end of the year, or, for that matter, stick as long as I'm capable of escaping the axe. Or if it's really goodbye as of right away.
Well. At the very least, I've made friends with 37 potential lawyers who can save my ass from jail someday. :p
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
current music: Your Call - Secondhand Serenade
(I just heard this 20 minutes ago, and I love it. Amazing. Lyrics c/o www.lyricsmania.com)
Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
Stripped and pollished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Because every breath that you will take
while you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
x4
( I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)
I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)
(I just heard this 20 minutes ago, and I love it. Amazing. Lyrics c/o www.lyricsmania.com)
Your Call Secondhand Serenade lyrics
| Artist: Secondhand Serenade Album: Awake Year: 2006 Title: Your Call | |
Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
Stripped and pollished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Because every breath that you will take
while you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
x4
( I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)
I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)
What the fuck? I've been writing so much on these blogs, that I hardly get to get anything done. Well, no. That's not true. Blogging isn't the problem. It's how I manage my time. Observe:
7PM - fresh out of the UAAP defeat, Roel and I arrive at UP to pick up the readings I needed book-bound. Discovered I didn't have enough cash to pay, so we ended up using what little I had to treat him to dinner at Rodic's. Gastos, shet.
8PM - watched Project Runway with my kid sister. Actually understood a few extra things about women's fashion. Saw a dress that I'm DYING to buy, just to see how it'd look on Dearest. (Banana Rep na 'to! hahaha!) Checked email, Friendster, etc.
9PM - Starbucks. Parents know I'm headed to Katipunan to "pick up readings from a classmate who dorms in Katipunan" (ie: Charrie, Irish, Mowie, Carol, Charles, WHOEVER). Reality = it was the post-UAAP defeat cheering-up for May (who took offense to my statement "It sucks to lose, 'specially when you're there live, but I'm not THAT sad."). Met some of her friends at Starbucks. Had coffee and talked about all manner of stuff.
12PM - Cantina. Girl wanted a drink. Accompanied her, and helped drain some of her Red Horse, just to "lessen" her drinking. I go leave to get the car. She ends up spending time with this Babble dude she knew there at Cantina. And leaves the scene with exchanged cell numbers! ("May, magaling ka. Saan? Basta, magaling!")
1AM - Drove around Xavierville looking for a certain house of a certain guy she liked *cough*Rre....*cough*, with intent to crash/surprise. Yikee! Since he couldn't leave the house (strict ang Nanay), nauwi ito sa Neoatenes, kung saan si May ay naka-internet, at si Raph naka-gawa ng Days related work.
2AM - finally drove home.
3AM - spent a LOT of time talking to my still-awake kid brother. was AMAZED. He actually managed to convince me that I belonged in Law School. Something about how, given that I actually passed the test, and that I'm not failing everything but just one subject, I'm doing NOT SO BADLY. I go "No, you see, I'm taught that 'if you don't 100% want to be a lawyer, get out'." And he answers "See? The mere fact you can argue like that, further establishes that you're very capable of being a lawyer." 'Ika nga sa commercial, "Kumbinsing!".
4AM - Tried to sleep. Ended up listening to music with kid brother, before finally nodding off.
6AM - woke up. and chatted with long-lost highschool classmate Mark Yebra, who has presently moved to Seattle as an engineer for Boeing. Asenso!
7AM - right now. and no breakfast in sight. And still sleepy/drowsy, but will soon head to UP to collect those readings. (none of which I've read for today!)
At present I am financially raped. Biro mo, yung baon ko for the week, halos ubos sa isang gabi! Ggranted, I get very little in terms of parent's giving allowance compared to most, but that's no excuse. Looks like Charrie will have to wait another week. Hahaha. (Like it matters.)
Haay. I can't live my life this way.
7PM - fresh out of the UAAP defeat, Roel and I arrive at UP to pick up the readings I needed book-bound. Discovered I didn't have enough cash to pay, so we ended up using what little I had to treat him to dinner at Rodic's. Gastos, shet.
8PM - watched Project Runway with my kid sister. Actually understood a few extra things about women's fashion. Saw a dress that I'm DYING to buy, just to see how it'd look on Dearest. (Banana Rep na 'to! hahaha!) Checked email, Friendster, etc.
9PM - Starbucks. Parents know I'm headed to Katipunan to "pick up readings from a classmate who dorms in Katipunan" (ie: Charrie, Irish, Mowie, Carol, Charles, WHOEVER). Reality = it was the post-UAAP defeat cheering-up for May (who took offense to my statement "It sucks to lose, 'specially when you're there live, but I'm not THAT sad."). Met some of her friends at Starbucks. Had coffee and talked about all manner of stuff.
12PM - Cantina. Girl wanted a drink. Accompanied her, and helped drain some of her Red Horse, just to "lessen" her drinking. I go leave to get the car. She ends up spending time with this Babble dude she knew there at Cantina. And leaves the scene with exchanged cell numbers! ("May, magaling ka. Saan? Basta, magaling!")
1AM - Drove around Xavierville looking for a certain house of a certain guy she liked *cough*Rre....*cough*, with intent to crash/surprise. Yikee! Since he couldn't leave the house (strict ang Nanay), nauwi ito sa Neoatenes, kung saan si May ay naka-internet, at si Raph naka-gawa ng Days related work.
2AM - finally drove home.
3AM - spent a LOT of time talking to my still-awake kid brother. was AMAZED. He actually managed to convince me that I belonged in Law School. Something about how, given that I actually passed the test, and that I'm not failing everything but just one subject, I'm doing NOT SO BADLY. I go "No, you see, I'm taught that 'if you don't 100% want to be a lawyer, get out'." And he answers "See? The mere fact you can argue like that, further establishes that you're very capable of being a lawyer." 'Ika nga sa commercial, "Kumbinsing!".
4AM - Tried to sleep. Ended up listening to music with kid brother, before finally nodding off.
6AM - woke up. and chatted with long-lost highschool classmate Mark Yebra, who has presently moved to Seattle as an engineer for Boeing. Asenso!
7AM - right now. and no breakfast in sight. And still sleepy/drowsy, but will soon head to UP to collect those readings. (none of which I've read for today!)
At present I am financially raped. Biro mo, yung baon ko for the week, halos ubos sa isang gabi! Ggranted, I get very little in terms of parent's giving allowance compared to most, but that's no excuse. Looks like Charrie will have to wait another week. Hahaha. (Like it matters.)
Haay. I can't live my life this way.
Monday, August 21, 2006
1.) Star Wars: Empire at War for the PC is a video game with a CD made out of crack cocaine. SHIT man. Video games can kill, I say.
2.) Nagtatampo si Den na hindi ko daw nababasa ang blog posts nya. Which is true. I hardly EVER really read posts of people anymore. Hence, I'm no longer finicky if you've got a mile-long post not sealed in LJ-cuts. And in turn, I only comment if and when I really read the post. Something to do with short attention span.
Raph: Yeah, I don't read them so much anymore, I just go and straight-out do the blog thing.
Den: But that's SELFISH!
Raph: Well, THAT'S PART OF WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME LATELY, DAMMIT!
*laughter*
Wala lang. A testament to how good friends I am with Den: I actually let her get away with calling me selfish.
...wait a sec...
Lagot sakin ang bruhang yan bukas. :p
3.) Which brings me to school. I like school so far. I just HATE how it makes me feel tired, lethargic and uninspired.
4.) If somebody can find me a job, I will forever sing your praise.
Why? Well, I'm going to need a backup plan, in case the mid-year grades don't let me re-enroll. Which only happens if I fail 9 units worth of my 16 units. Which I DON'T think will happen, but in my experience, I find that I like to over-prepare. Very law student of me, you see.
And even if I pass, at least I can take the evening classes, which (I hear) are easier on their students. Evening class was the original plan anyway, except for the fact that my folks wouldn't let me attend evening. Something about adjusting and all that.
So yeah. Praise and song. Unless it pays like crap.
5.) Long weekend was spent in Canyon Woods, Tagaytay. Real cool shit. Pity my camera was out of comission.
Imagine you're driving through a cloud. The mountains this rainy season were SO cool! There was this really thick fog that covered the mountain, and it made everything through the mist look dream-like and surreal. And the breeze was cold. Darned cold, I cursed that my scaf and jacket were in the wash and unavailable! At least I didn't cough; that one's cured somehow.
6.) One thing I missed: NOW TV, this channel that once featured a never-ending broadcast of video game programming. Never heard of it? Of course not. It used to be on Destiny Cable and It's Darned Hard To Find.
Why am I writing about this? Because the Canyon Woods casitas ACTUALLY CARRIED THAT CHANNEL. Sadly, it's fallen under dark times, that channel. Now it's only got an endless loop of 4 shows: The Circuit, Earth&Space, the Austrailain Triathlon and Quake Republic, its last gaming show. All the gamer.tv shows are gone, and everything else is a rerun. Sad.
7.) Like every out-of-town trip I take, it had the usual problem: Di Nakakatulog Si Raph. Hence, I'm undergoing a "mini-influenza", and I hope I can wake up in time for class tomorrow. Wherein my prof for Legal Bibliography will (figuratively) kick me in the nuts. Again.
8.) PLUG! The Theosophical Bookstore (my "current company" technically) will feature in that big booksale at Wold Trade Center, come August 30 to September 3! Please come! And buy buy buy!
Wala lang. Baka makita ninyo ako dun nambebenta ng libro. :) And they're nice books too!
9.) I don't miss my old job. I like it and all its perks. I just wish they'd pay me what I'm worth. After all, ever since I got onboard as manager, we only, oh, DOUBLED our sales.
2.) Nagtatampo si Den na hindi ko daw nababasa ang blog posts nya. Which is true. I hardly EVER really read posts of people anymore. Hence, I'm no longer finicky if you've got a mile-long post not sealed in LJ-cuts. And in turn, I only comment if and when I really read the post. Something to do with short attention span.
Raph: Yeah, I don't read them so much anymore, I just go and straight-out do the blog thing.
Den: But that's SELFISH!
Raph: Well, THAT'S PART OF WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME LATELY, DAMMIT!
*laughter*
Wala lang. A testament to how good friends I am with Den: I actually let her get away with calling me selfish.
...wait a sec...
Lagot sakin ang bruhang yan bukas. :p
3.) Which brings me to school. I like school so far. I just HATE how it makes me feel tired, lethargic and uninspired.
4.) If somebody can find me a job, I will forever sing your praise.
Why? Well, I'm going to need a backup plan, in case the mid-year grades don't let me re-enroll. Which only happens if I fail 9 units worth of my 16 units. Which I DON'T think will happen, but in my experience, I find that I like to over-prepare. Very law student of me, you see.
And even if I pass, at least I can take the evening classes, which (I hear) are easier on their students. Evening class was the original plan anyway, except for the fact that my folks wouldn't let me attend evening. Something about adjusting and all that.
So yeah. Praise and song. Unless it pays like crap.
5.) Long weekend was spent in Canyon Woods, Tagaytay. Real cool shit. Pity my camera was out of comission.
Imagine you're driving through a cloud. The mountains this rainy season were SO cool! There was this really thick fog that covered the mountain, and it made everything through the mist look dream-like and surreal. And the breeze was cold. Darned cold, I cursed that my scaf and jacket were in the wash and unavailable! At least I didn't cough; that one's cured somehow.
6.) One thing I missed: NOW TV, this channel that once featured a never-ending broadcast of video game programming. Never heard of it? Of course not. It used to be on Destiny Cable and It's Darned Hard To Find.
Why am I writing about this? Because the Canyon Woods casitas ACTUALLY CARRIED THAT CHANNEL. Sadly, it's fallen under dark times, that channel. Now it's only got an endless loop of 4 shows: The Circuit, Earth&Space, the Austrailain Triathlon and Quake Republic, its last gaming show. All the gamer.tv shows are gone, and everything else is a rerun. Sad.
7.) Like every out-of-town trip I take, it had the usual problem: Di Nakakatulog Si Raph. Hence, I'm undergoing a "mini-influenza", and I hope I can wake up in time for class tomorrow. Wherein my prof for Legal Bibliography will (figuratively) kick me in the nuts. Again.
8.) PLUG! The Theosophical Bookstore (my "current company" technically) will feature in that big booksale at Wold Trade Center, come August 30 to September 3! Please come! And buy buy buy!
Wala lang. Baka makita ninyo ako dun nambebenta ng libro. :) And they're nice books too!
9.) I don't miss my old job. I like it and all its perks. I just wish they'd pay me what I'm worth. After all, ever since I got onboard as manager, we only, oh, DOUBLED our sales.
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