To Where We’re Most Needed
by Raph Doval-Santos

I’ll tell you a story. A long story, this is. Or a series of short stories, I think. This essay is in some parts, a very long story, and in some parts too a lot of explaining and side commenting on my part. It’s the best way I know I can get across what I want to share. I hope you, dear reader, are not put off by my informal approach.

So here goes.

There was a boy. He was well-to-do, had a fairly good life. He was well-educated. His family was not wealthy, but they had means to live comfortably, and could afford to send him and his siblings to good schools. He did his best to do well in school, although he was best described as “above average”. He liked time with his friends, reading books and was largely kept “safe” by his parents, who liked to adhere to the “don’t talk to strangers” school of raising their children.

His family was close. They kept him safe, and in effect, he hardly knew how to make good in the real world, or how to deal with people outside his family’s “social circle.” He felt that’s just how it was - his family raised him to speak in English to ensure a good education, but in effect it cut him off from everyone else in the Philippines.

One day, he met somebody. There was a girl who caught his eye. She was charming, and kept a vibrant aura around her. People were naturally drawn to her, not just because she was quite pretty, but also because she somehow carried herself with a certain air that made people love to be her friend, how she never seemed to be upset. That’s what happened - they grew close. He often wondered what kept her going, where she got that never-ending optimism.

The turning point was when she brought him to her home. There, he saw the truth: she lived with upwards of 12 siblings, and were living in a small hovel at the outskirts of the city. They hadn’t a lot to eat, and as the eldest, she was the one who had to balance being a student and working. They had nothing, and many of them would never get to finish college. Yet, they weren’t sad. They were fine, somehow, and seeing that broke the guy’s heart.

That boy is me. Of course, parts of it aren’t true, as every good story, my teachers said, are parts fact, fiction, and fantasy. That I was well-liked, that I fell in love with a very pretty poor girl or that I was taken to be introduced to her family, are parts of an active imagination.

What was very true however, was how I became exposed to a world much unlike mine - how there are people who live day to day on selling rags on the street, or how students couldn’t finish studying because their parents needed them to work.

I was a high school kid when I met Hans Fabros. He was quiet, and one of Barangay Pansol’s smarter students in Balara High. He didn’t associate with the other boys because they thought he was effeminate, but Hans was incredibly smart.

I met him when he was one of my students as I was a tutor in a remedial teaching program of the Sta. Maria Della Strada parish. That I started teaching because of a girl I met, that much is true, and I did want to impress her.

But what really left an impression was how much I loved working there. I loved teaching kids. I loved everything - lesson plans, grades, lectures, games for the students to better pick up and learn their lessons. It was gratifying, knowing that our students would make a marked improvement in their studies, just like Hans did, who would go on from Balara High to be a student in UP.

There was Patrick Cristobal, one of my smartest students. He was short, dark and had a smile that was a little crooked. When he joined the program I was part of, he was a boisterous young boy horsing around a lot. Then, he emerged from our program a high school graduate, the eldest boy in a pack of 5 who lived in the Kaingin depressed area. He would go on to take engineering in UST, and as of today, I believe he is preparing for the board exams.

I loved the feeling the most how these kids, when they were done with high school, would come back to be part of the program and be teachers themselves like us. They would handle classrooms, speak in good (if somewhat broken) English, and would give us a run for the money on some of the Math questions. It wasn’t the skill that was impressive, though, but how it was their desire to come back and give back through that program. Where us more well-off volunteers came in to make friends, meet boys or girls, and have something to do in summer that could impress our parents, for them it was just a simple matter of giving back. True, some of them had crushes in our teaching staff and wanted to be with them everyday, but the fact that they kept coming back was heartwarming.

I felt then that I belonged to a community. Even well after my time, I still feel a bond to that place, those people, and the people who came after us. I’d find this community spirit elsewhere - in Days with the Lord where I staff, in my time at my former job at the Ateneo Alumni Association, and I loved how my belonging meant something.

I carried this into college, where I first encountered JVP. I was a freshman, and because the parish program was such a force in my impressionable college freshman life, I was immediately drawn to JVP. It was as early as my Ateneo Orientation Seminar that I heard about JVP, and I thought to myself “Hey! That’s awesome. I’d love to, but might not me for me.”

What changed that were when I met some of my elders in college - the upperclassmen who were on their way out to the real world. One of them was my Ate figure in two of my organizations, and she told me that’s what she was doing. She was a senior, and I was quite surprised at her determination - blocking time off to work on her recommendation letters, taking education classes to be a better teacher, and in our org alone, she was giving extra attention to the students she taught.

She told me that she wanted to do this because she felt it was something she was compelled to, by virtue of everything she had seen and done. “Kailangan nila tayo, they need us,” she always told me, and for her and me, it was more than reason enough. She had already given much towards helping others, but she wanted to give more. Thus, she made it to JVP, leaving behind a lucrative salary in a banking career to take a year away and teach children in far-flung areas.

It seemed futile to many, especially when I would tell them about what they were doing excitedly. I’d share the things they were doing to make our country better. They’d motion to me at the street children, the slums, the stories in the media about murder and rape. But I’d remember the Martin Luther quote that said “Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” That saying gave me some hope, and it reminds me that we have to keep going, because somebody’s counting on us.

Being a volunteer, thus, became a big part of me. I would sign up for Ateneo’s Orientation Seminar (OrSem), staff for Days with the Lord, continue tutoring children in Della Strada Parish and in my org Kaingin. I’d help out with production work at the Heights literary folio, another organization of mine. I’d find ways to be involved, one way or another.

I guess the best way to describe how I was at this time was like being in love - it brings the very best out of you. I started to find myself to be a stronger and more dependable friend. I found myself making great personal risks and sacrifices for others, like giving up an entire summer to help a kid learn English, or driving for a whole day to keep the Days people fed. I’d find myself suddenly insightful, inspiring to others who needed me to help them from losing hope. I loved how I could be so thoughtful, like I’d surprise people with gifts or hugs, or other warm gestures and thoughts. I loved how I could be that much more sensitive to others, like I could pick up how they felt.

I came to understand some things. I saw that we are placed where we are needed most. We are put in situations because we’re right there where we’re needed. I started to feel that the more we could open our hearts to other people, the more capable we can love the ones we really love, like our families or significant others (and the reverse is true too - the more we are able to commit to one person, the stronger our ability to sacrifice for more people is higher also). I came to feel that being “Man for Others” of Ateneo, the “Basta Ikaw” of Days, they all meant less if I couldn’t live them out, and live them out I was doing.

What changed through college, however, was how my priorities changed. Somehow, I stopped being as active in my socially-aware activities. I started focusing on making my own life better, a “me-first” kind of life where I studied hard, partied hard, and looked out for Number One. I looked at trying to build a career. I thought I met the girl of my life, and started making my own plans for us. I started looking at learning what I wanted to learn, which was to write and write well.

It was around that time I started to see the things I didn’t like in myself. I started being argumentative, wanting to win every debate and be right all the time. I felt that I often had to keep proving myself as I frequently had to be bombarded with people questioning what I was doing. I kept feeling I wasn’t good enough for other people’s expectations. I started giving up on being something more than where I was, and even then I didn’t know.
To this day, these bad habits remain and I do struggle with them. I struggle at how I say things carelessly, hurting people when I don’t realize what I said was hurtful. I wish I knew when to just shut up and not try to win the argument. I wish at times that I had more “fight” in me, that I wouldn’t give up on the things I want so soon, especially after a series of obstacles and bad losses. I would have a hot temper. I learned to start hating myself.

In this, I often felt that I had to “make up for what I lacked. I started trying things, and fortunately they worked out here and there. I made it to UP Law. I met a wonderful girl who I thought I could settle down with someday. I started to plot a course where I could be wealthy and yet somehow help. I had put away my thoughts of the dreams I had early in college.

Did giving up on JVP change me? Honestly, maybe. I know today I’ve not had the same kind of verve, energy and passion for life like I used to. I find that waking up in the morning is harder, getting out of bed more painful, and being with friends a little more tedious.

And yet I knew I made a pragmatic, realistic choice. I’m the eldest in the family. I have to be that pillar in case my family needs me. I knew being a lawyer was the best thing a Creative Writing major could hope for, never mind I had no real passion for the Constitution, or for the rules of legal procedure.

But somehow? I think there was something in me that never really gave up on me going to JVP. Even as I started plotting a life for myself, it was as if life had kept on giving me opportunities to try it, just to try.

I was a law student and right away, I had two classmates who finished their JVP year, and wanted to study law to pursue greater good. I would later be expelled from law, enter a retreat to soothe my soul and I’d find that we were at the same venue and time as a JVP OrSem. I would find work in Ateneo, only to have the JVP office just a few flights of stairs away.

It was as though I learned that God was trying to lead me somewhere. It was as if I was being taken by my hand and run through the rain. In the span from the day I gave up on being a JVP, I found my life bounced around. I got into law school only to get kicked out. I fell in love twice, and both girls left me for other men. I found jobs that I managed to really enjoy, but only to have bosses say I was not as great as they thought I could be.

And then there’s JVP, that old dream I thought was long gone, a dream I was so scared to pursue, an anecdotal “what if” that I shared to friends to get their sympathy, an idea I thought I had hardened my heart to.

Well, that’s what I thought before today.

Today, I’m taking a risk. I’m leaving the life I’ve known forever so I could rediscover that person who I loved, the man who took time out to help his fellow Filipino. Right now, I think that all this has led me to the point I am in right now. I know with faith that my life has been about how God, somehow, led me here. I find that I am at the point where I can ignore that call in me no longer.

I do not know what to expect in my time ahead, should I be selected to be a volunteer. I only know that I will have a chance to pay forward the good life I’ve had somehow. I do hope that the person I am today will be radically changed too - hopefully a more compassionate, more giving, more selfless person returns to Manila, if not a more socially aware man who is sensitive to how there are areas in life that we affect, and we don’t always realize it.

I know that JVP is not the end-all and be-all of my life. I know that right now, with my job and with the options I have before me, I know that I can stay my course. It’s win-win. If I don’t make it, I still have my career, my life here, and the chance to continue to help my friends and family. I still have the chance to study, or the opportunity to serve in other ways.

I know that if I don’t leave, my plans are still the same - I still want to pursue higher education, and then work in a related field. I find a certain appeal now to studying journalism, because the country needs good people in there now.

If I do make it to JVP, then I already know how it works - I will leave my job, make the most of my time as a volunteer, and be part of a growing community. I still intend to study and work when I return. I know that it all will be for the best. It’s that hope that keeps me going.

It inspires me too to imagine coming back home a changed me. I think of the person I am today. I think of how successful I’ve been this far, but I’m nowhere near happy nor being fulfilled. I can think of ways I can adjust, but like how Einstein said we can’t use the same mindset hat made the problem to fix it, I think stepping back and be a JVP will help.

I know that I will have to leave people behind. I’ve already started planning my own way out. I’ve begun to slowly pull away from the people who leaned on me for years. I’ve stopped trying to find a girlfriend, and stopped trying to win back the hearts of people who used to like me, because I now that I just might get that call and leave them.

And yet it is wonderful to know how supportive I’ve seen people back me up. Old friends I tell them to are not surprised. Some even tell me that they knew I would take a shot at this, and wish for the best for me. Even my parents, who had many apprehensions at the start, are cheering me on and the feeling is very gratifying.

It’s scary, but I also know that it’ll be worth it, one way or another. It’s with faith that I can say that there’s really “something here” that compels me to take it with an open heart, and with arms open. That this could be a part of some bigger journey, and by being part of the JVP community, I feel that I could keep giving, keep loving, and keep contributing to a brighter future for all of us.

In the end, we are all placed where God knows we’re most needed. I hope also, that God finds ways to get us exactly what our hearts yearn for, and searching my soul I know: I do want this.

Hi Aime. How are you?

I meant to keep quiet about it, and I know what you might be thinking: it's not my business, I am biased, and I don't know the facts. The thing is, I've always believed that true friends stick by each other and interfere. I've kept quiet this long and I'm glad that things are sort of okay. Still, I need to get this out, because if I keep it to myself, I won't forgive myself.

(She never asked me to write this, if you must know. She's not the kind to do something like this. Like it or not, though, I am.)

I may not know Nelli for as long as you do, but I will say it: Nelli's not that kind of girl. In fact, you should know that she's not like that at all, to try and "pick up" with Gerry. If she were that sort, be aware that that I would never have associated myself with, (let alone stick by and sacrifice for) her at all. Aime, we wouldn't even be friends, you and me, had she not introduced us, and I take pride in being friends with good people like you, and yes, like her.

Nelli and I keep pretty close contact. If you must know, yes, she was at Cavite, but no, she didn't do that. In fact, I'd like to think I'd be one of the first to know if something like this happened. So imagine my shock and my confusion seeing Facebook posts and hearing rumors about somebody I care for very deeply and in such ugly circumstances.

You know both of them too well. I think it is because of that, I feel you ought to trust in their both better natures, most especially Gerry's. He is your fiance, and for every day I see you two together, I sense it in him - hindi niya itatataboy ang pagmamahal ni Aime just to be with some girl for one night. He may have done that before, but I sense different, because it's YOU. And I worry if you don't see that.

On my end, I love Nelli with all my heart, never mind if she'd rather be with someone else. A big part of this love is how I have faith in her. Yes, there are times when I am very uncomfortable with the situations she likes to get into. But every time, she comes away with dignity and grace. She's smart. She knows how to get around and gets it right. She isn't the type to mess other people's lives.

And she's your friend. She was able to convince me to drive several hundred kilometers for you, to see Gerry, the man you love. She did that for you, as I did that for you and her. She cares very much for your well-being and would never do this. (And if Gerry really insists it's her, then he'll have to prove it for real, more than just talk about it.)

I would sometimes talk to her in the past week and I'd see how hurt and how upset she had been, especially after people started talking after they saw that you had to say. She'd shut her self in and bury her time at work. She never said a mean word about you when we were together or to anyone, but I didn't need to guess. I knew that she's been deeply offended, especially with how she felt (and how I feel too) her reputation had been attacked. I don't want something like this happening to my sister, my mother, what more the woman I love deeply?

It's not right. And I'm asking you, in any capacity you can, to help make things okay again. The two of you deserve some measure of justice, and the way things have been just won't do.

I may be wrong. Tanggap ko yun. But I am writing to say that in the end, I do pray that somehow everything sorts out. You owe it to yourself, after all, for real, lasting peace of mind.

Raph out.


-R

Because sometimes?


Some people are just worth it.

Yeah. That's just me going all in.

Pray for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzs64tUfaGY

The Chase - My Favorite Highway




Even though it’s hard to hear the truth
It’s every little thing that makes you move
And there is a reflection in the mirror
You don’t believe
And darling it’s so hard to understand
I wish that I could fix what you feel instead
Baby, why’d you do that, I can see through that
Give it a chance

And you can’t just disappear
I’m begging you come on out, come on out
Promise that the coast is clear

(chorus)
I don’t mind the chase
Baby, you’re lost out there in a different place
And I can’t get to you
I don’t mind the chase
Baby, you’re lost out there in a different place
And I can’t get to you
But I’ll do what I have to

Every little piece you pick apart
You’ve hidden in a corner of your heart
And there is a reflection in the mirror
That you don’t see
And darling, it’s an awful lot to give
A memory you chase but you can’t relive
Baby, it’s supposed to, baby you’re close to
Letting me in

And you can’t just disappear
I’m begging you come on out, come on out
Promise that the coast is clear

Chorus

Oh, you never could quiet honestly explain
How much he means to you
You’re doing everything they ask you to
There’s a part of you, you wish you knew
And every escape you thought you could make
No, you did not think it would show
Darling it was way too much
Way to slow

Chorus

I am balancing the troubled line between pride and self-value.

Yes, I say hurtful things. I am not proud of that. I am not proud of what happened about a week ago, and I am not happy with the silence that has fallen over us, as if we are waiting for another storm to arrive and flood us with tears and bitterness.

But I am not proud of how over and over people have mistaken my kindness for weakness. You know who they are, and you know who you are.

I may regret this later, but right now I need to say this: understand - I am very, very hurt. Hurt by the vast many things that you've not noticed, nor been willing to acknowledge all these months. I'm hurt and I'm tired.

I am tired of how I'm there for you when you need me, but when I need someone to listen to me, you brush it off with an "It'll be okay," or conveniently change the topic.

I am tired of being present for you, while I feel you go on ignore my counsel, my thoughts on things, or my warnings on what you should and shouldn't do. I am tired of talking only about things you want to talk about. I am tired of feeling how you only hear what you want to, or of how you cut off my stories because you can't stop talking about your day, or your office mates, or your desire for a new iPod, or for your longing to leave the country. All these I love knowing about you, but it pains me to know you don't care about my day, my week, my life.

I am tired of the small sacrifices I do for you as a friend. I am tired of buying you dinner and coffee, all of which I spend on my own account. I am tired of lining up for tickets to ball games for you, or looking for things you need. All of these are favors which by now have become very painfully clear to me you never have any intention of returning. I am hurt by how you returned the earphones I got you because I thought it was the thoughtful thing to do (I'm like that - ask everyone). Yes, it was the heat of the argument that set it off, but by my foot, I had to go hungry for two weeks to gift them to you, only for you to return them just like that.

I am tired of fighting with you, only to sleep it off and then be close all over again. But after a few days, the same problems, be they yours or mine, arise all over, and we quarrel over again. I know that constant quarreling doesn't mean everything's ruined - there really is a great level of respect and care that I feel every time. But there's also so much energy that gets spent when that energy could have been directed at making each other stronger, happier.

I am tired of how you reach out to hold my hand one day, and then recoil at my touch a few days later. I am tired of how you'd be so warm one day, and then later push me away, or deflect my compliments. I am tired of how you deny me chances to help you when it is painfully clear you need my help. Conversely, I do not like it when you suddenly go and need my help when I am not always in a position to give it, and when I don't do that well I only end up feeling guilty and bad. I am tired of how you demand of your friends, all friends, the kind of attention that most every other person will demand of a lover, when all the while I feel you don't know how to give that much yourself.

I am tired and bothered and annoyed of how quickly you get tired of people. I'm tired of how you use it as an excuse, a convenient alibi because the simple truth is if you cared badly enough about somebody you won't ever get tired of these people.

I am tired of you being so inconsiderate of my feelings for you. Yes, you may not like me, but damn hell, I don't deserve to have you rub it in, or to watch you overtly flirt with other boys over the phone while you're tipsy and then tell me I have no right to be hurt, while you know full well of how much I care for you.

I am tired of hearing how excited you are sometimes to see a new crush, only to spend the next few days after whining about how he's not right for you, when all along I knew he wasn't good enough, or honest with you, or he was just after your body. I'm a guy. I know how we play, and as your friend it is with loyalty that I strive to protect you.

I am tired of hearing from you how awful some guys in your life are, because that tells me you go around telling your friends and family how awful I am. Especially when I'm not around.

I am tired of hearing that you don't want a boyfriend, because it's obvious that you do. I am tired of hearing at no matter how great I am, I just won't do. Most especially because everyday you keep telling me how much you've been waiting for somebody, and how you keep telling me what you're looking for: nice teeth, good education, smart, never had a girlfriend, loves music, doesn't smoke, has a car, cares for others, thoughtful, fun to be with and to show off to friends... all these rounding out a portrait of who I am, who I've always been all these years. And then you go and say you lost hope of ever having me, that you're not ready, that you're in no place to keep anybody, what more me.

I am tired of being compared to your ex. Because I never, ever compared you to the people who have come and gone and hurt me. I am tired of having to prove to you I'm great, when everybody else already can see how happy we can be.

I am tired of how you make yourself such a big part of my life, when you have no intention of staying in my life. I say that because it's already been a week and you've made no effort to try and fix things. I say that because I'm tired of always being the one to break the silence when we argue. I say that because I feel it's high time I see how important I am to you, more than just you telling me now and then.

I am tired of hoping, praying, wishing on stars, lighting candles in Churches and knocking on wood. I am tired of being alone in my bed. I am tired of wishing I were dead. I am tired of hoping you'd come around and be a better friend than you have been to me lately, never mind be my lover.

Because being honest? I just need a great friend right now. And I feel that as hard as I've tried to be that great friend for you, without question, doubt or any underlying motive, I can't do this alone. I need you to be a great friend for me too - something which I feel you haven't been able to be anymore.

And if you can't be a truly great friend to me, what more my lover? And truly great friends don't demand unless it can better the other, do not insist nor interfere unless it makes the other braver, do not take unless they can also give, and do not harm if they cannot forgive after.

I am tired of knowing you don't know how to receive compliments, favors, kindness and concern, the things I do for my friends. What more the people who are my family, or those who I find I want to form my family with? What more the people I love?

I am tired of longing for you, only to have you near me again and then find myself upset at how you go back to your old habits.

I am tired.

But I am not tired of you.

And I'll be back for more if you'd come around.

I love you, and I have loved you since the day I met you, and yes, it's love because it's the choice I made then and a choice I keep everyday, like every other person I have ever loved and still do.

And I promised myself I'd do all I could to be a part of your life, somehow. I may love you without condition. I know that if you broke this silence, we'd be friends again, and I hope that this cycle will not continue with you going on making the most of being my friend.

Because I knew you before all this, before somewhere along the way of your over-thinking and doubting and fear, before you changed one morning in May and was never the same again.

I remember how wonderful, warm and watchful over me you were. I know how thoughtful you have always been - not dependent on a mood or the weather but how you are so considerate always.

I loved how you could be so upbeat, positive and happy, never mind you had so little to your name or how far off your dreams were. I miss how you used to be ready to go on any adventure, even if I was the one taking great risks for you. I miss how you'd be one of the few girls in the world to get me to leave my comfort zone because you loved to tiptoe around yours with me.

I long for the times when it was simple - we liked each other, and that it was enough for us to speed off into the unknown, afraid of the future ahead but confident that we don't have to do this alone.

And yes, there are days that suck. There are times that hurt and that wear us out, much like today and yesterday and all the fights and all the days that convince the both of us we deserve better.

But all of that that is nothing to me because for the first time in my life? I met somebody who is worth it, and who once truly believed I was worth it, too. With you, I met somebody who truly brings the best out of me everyday. That's even during the hard moments we're not happy, and as well as on the good days when I feel like a prince just because I had you near me, or just because you were there helping me find perfume or giving me pointers on my driving or managing my money, or simply just sitting over coffee or on soaking the sun on a beach and not saying a word.

I miss that you. I long for that you. And if you really believe that we only accept the love that we feel we deserve, then you know what I want.

I want you, the you that I fell in love with. And in my life, I want you to stay.

But if you really, really believe that I have no place in your life or your future, or anything else that will only be more of the way it's always been...please no.

No.

I'm so tired right now, it hurts to hear your name, even if I want to be there with you, hold you close and make sure you'll never walk alone again.

Yes, I love you so. But please. You are the one girl in the world who gives me rest, and yet I am so, so tired.

Yesterday, I was at a wedding of a family friend. Now, I was never really close to said friend, so I thought "What the hey. Let's get out and be nice." The result was me being part of a grand celebration of two Chinese families that, well, was just simply EPIC. Dancing, food, drink, brilliant AVP's and song numbers and heartfelt talks and so much more. And they even had RX 93.1's Chico and Delamar as the reception's hosts!

But I think the highlight of the wedding was the homily of Fr. Pete, the priest who celebrated their matrimony. He was already fun in that he would code-switch here and there from Filipino to English to Chinese, and he'd interview the bride and groom "The Buzz" style ("So ano na nararamdaman mo ngayon?") in between points.

He did, however, leave me with what I call "The Parable of the Lovers and the Chopsticks". Or what he simply called how a couple are "like a chopsticks". (Yes, he did say it that way.) Fitting, maybe how it was, it being a wedding of Chinese families! But it was insightful, such it's what I took away most from the wedding.

I'll just paraphrase below:

A couple in love are like chopsticks.

They come from the same piece, and are two equal parts, man and woman. They are equal.

You do not hold them too tight, nor too loosely. Just enough, so they both grow, and it's when they're at the right distance that they are best used.

Where one piece moves, the other stays still and steady. So too are chopsticks, when they work. You cannot pinch the food if both move, or if both don't move.

And more importantly, like chopsticks, one cannot be without the other. They must be held together.

And the hand that holds them both together, is none other than the Lord.

current music: 'Di Bale Na Lang - Gary Valenciano


Minsan sabi niya sa akin
Sandali na lang
Akala ko naman ay sigurado na ako
Handa kong tanggapin ang kanyang oo

Bigla na lang nagbago ang isip niya
Hindi ko akalain na gano'n pala siya
Pinaasa niya lang ako
Bitin na bitin ako
Oooh woh

Hindi ko na alam kung makakaya ko pa
Di bale na lang kaya
Ako pa ba kaya ang nasa puso niya
Di bale na lang kaya
Ngunit mahal ko siya
Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang

Ngayon araw-araw lumilipas ang panahon
Kalimutan ko siya'y malayo sa isip ko
Di kaya, pinaikot niya lang ako?

Bigla na naman nagbago ang isip niya
Pagkakataon ko na mapasagot ko siya
Pag ang sinabi ko'y di mabili
Baka mapahiya muli...

Hindi ko na alam kung makakaya ko pa
Di bale na lang kaya
Ako pa ba kaya ang nasa puso niya
Di bale na lang kaya
Ngunit mahal ko siya

Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang

Bakit ka naman ganyan
Ano pa ba kayang paraan
Pero kung kailangan mo naman ako
Agad akong tumatakbo

Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang

Bitin na bitin ako
oh...oh...oh

Hindi ko na alam kung makakaya ko pa
Di bale na lang kaya
Ako pa ba kaya ang nasa puso niya
Di bale na lang kaya
Ngunit mahal ko siya

Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang

Hindi ko na alam kung makakaya ko pa
Di bale na lang kaya
Ako pa ba kaya ang nasa puso niya
Di bale na lang kaya
Ngunit mahal ko siya

Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang
Di bale na lang

Di bale na lang...
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooooooh...

There's no other way to say it. My body cries out for you. Come near and make me yours.




current music: Drowned World/Substitute For Love - Madonna

Teeth - Shooting Star

Are you happy you're a shooting star?
Able to absorb so many wishes that we made
Are you happy you're a shooting star?
Able to give wonder to a galaxy of eternal mystery

Inside my mind
I'm waiting for you
Inside my mind
I'm searching and waiting
for you

And maybe I'm lucky to have seen you tonight
Cos I needed something I have always dreamed about
It doesn't matter if I can't go through
I just want my eye inside this tunnel to heaven

And I wish...

Inside my mind
I'm waiting for you
Inside my mind
I'm searching and waiting
for you

Are you happy you're a shooting star?

High and low
Find some snow
I need to know from you

Lyin' low
I have to grow
I need to know from you

Shooting star... (4x)

Are you happy?
Shooting star

Are you happy?


================

Are you happy? I'm not. And you know it, and you know why.
And you know you're what I want, and you know you're what stands in the way.

Miss Manalo 3.0 (a.k.a. The "Ten Commandments")

"Raph, kamusta chicks?"

This is the traditional first question one of my friends asks when I see him, in his regular guy-talk tone. This question, while not in that form, is posed to me by almost everyone I know lately, whether they're my parents and family or my friends and work peers. I've grown good at dodging the question, mostly by telling only a tiny part of the truth, and for some people, twisting the truth to satisfy their curiosity enough, while still protecting the people involved.

One such friend asked me to come up with my "vague list" of things I look for in a girlfriend. The concept is not new - we at LnK called it your "Mr./Ms. Manalo" list. In it, you describe the makings of a real winner for you. I wrote as she was, well...criticizing, the current girl who has today come to mean the world to me. I guess I have friends who look out for me that way - real friends interfere, after all.

Here's what we ended up with - my "10 Commandments" in finding the girl I want.


#1: Bawal Nagyoyosi
Fairly non-negotiable! I have had near-death experiences due to my asthma, and my grandmother died due to an attack. It's a family thing maybe. Either way, I don't like the smell of cigarette smoke. Smokers smell bad. Bad-smelling people turn me off. Girls who smell nice, however, win themselves free hugs and dinners out.

#2: Smart, can keep up with conversations. Doesn't need a PhD, nor the sense of accomplishment it has.
Yes, the bobo need not apply. I want somebody who can confidently converse with a wide range of topics, and is open-minded enough to keep up or at least demonstrate willingness to learn. You need not be my teacher - it's a partnership. We will learn from one another.

I don't need poets, I don't need video game players or artists or Gooners or whatever else the girl is into to share my world completely. I want to pick up from her new things, and for her to pick things up from me.

#3: Busy always.Tipong, wala kang mababalitaan sa kanya in ages.
I like girls who never have time for anybody. Because when she actually makes time for me, it means a lot. Time for me is priceless and waiting is hell, so I want somebody who levels with me on that. Girls who like to make time for me always are awesome, but if she's always so busy AND STILL take time, astig lalo.

I also love the feeling of making people miss me. Because when I find him or her, they're extra nice. And I love the feeling of being cared for extra.

#4: A pretty face trumps a sexy body any day of the week.
I like girls who are both. But if I had to pick just one, the pretty girl wins. I've had crushes on stick-figure girls who are pretty. (and Lord knows I dislike stick figured girls.) I've had crushes on girls who are fat (not chubby, FAT) because I could stare at her smile all day. And while I like them slender and tall, if they're ugly, it switches it all off.

Both being pretty and being sexy are relative. I reserve the right to pick using my own tastes

#5: Takes care of my family. Lets me look after hers.
Her parents can have rules and be strict and all that, fine. I just want to be able to demonstrate too that I'm not the kind of guy who messes around. I also like families that aren't mine. Because we learn stuff from each other.

As for me, my family is still valuable, but not perfect. My family is not the closest-knit nor the best and warmest, but I want her to at least show she gives a damn about the people who I can't escape from yet. haha.

#6: Lets me totally fucking spoil her. Will be maalaga too, even when I don't ask.
In a Psych test they gave in college, of my personal needs the test showed I have high levels of Nurturance and Succorance. They made those with high marks for both raise our hands. They said "masarap ma boyfriend/girlfriend mga yan!" That's because we had a high desire to care for others, and be cared for.

I'm like a big tree with relationships. I don't need much - just water and sunshine. And in return, I'll give shade and fruit and never leave. But like any tree, I don't always ask for you to water me. So I'd like some thoughtful girl to tend to me as I grow and cover her.

Similarly, I want to be that big tree and give what I can, even if it means they'll chop me up for fire. I'm built that way. I love girls who don't say no when I offer them things. Sarap kasi alagaan. Maalaga = sexy.

#7: Trusts me explicitly.
The great Neil Strauss wrote, "Love is a wave, trust is the water." Need I say more?

#8: Needs not be religious. Spiritual is better. Atheistic is bullshit.
Despite what the atheists say about clinging to old beliefs out of fear, I find that people who believe in God are far braver. That's because they take a chance on something so less certain, and that's courageous beyond description. You stake your life on the principles of a being you're not sure of? Wow. I want a girlfriend who is brave like that.

At the same time, I also want somebody with an open heart and mind. I've never dated a Dazer, despite how I feel they're the bravest and sweetest love-ers there are out there. She can have her own morality based on the Jedi Code for all I care. I just want her to act right, and understand me on a level beyond just actions, words and facial ticks.

Religous is okay, but I never needed her to share my beliefs, as long as she's got beliefs. More important to me than having the same faith, I really want her to have a close relationship with her God. That's key to knowing she'll level with me.

#9: Whether or not maraming friends or family, she is not insecure by what they think.
She has to have a mind of her own, and will not be fettered by old or immature thinking. As awesome as our friends or family are, they don't always know what is best for us. And we should learn to choose what we have for ourselves and not just because it's easy to "show off" to them.

(And I don't like being showed off - it's only done by those who need to boost one's small self-esteem.)

#10: Puts up with my bullshit. And doesn't purposefully drive me away
I am not the easiest person to love. I know this. If you're reading this, you know this too well. So. I want somebody who can stand the rain. If she wants to stand with me in the sunshine, she must be brave enough to stand the rain too.

Conversely, I once fell in love with a girl who liked to push me, drive me away. She kept insisting we kept a certain level of distance. Something about being afraid of "what might happen" and I hated her. I dislike her to this day; what she did hurts still.

When I love you, I will want no less than to be growing ever closer everyday. It will be my single-minded yearning, my only real desire, and I don't take well to being told I'm not worth being close to. To push me away in regular intervals is painful and insulting and grounds for me never speaking to you again.


So do you guys know any such girls? It's not unreasonable, is it? Hehe




current music: Ivy - Edge of the Ocean

current music: Walking Wounded - Everything but the Girl

Out amongst the walking wounded, every face on every bus
Is you and me and him and her and nothing can replace the us I knew
Nothing can replace the us I knew

And no, I'm never gonna let you go
And no, I'm never gonna let you go
And now I know I had a choice though you never made it clear to me
I thought you never felt it deeply
Now I'm never gonna let you go
Now I'm never gonna let you go

'Cause I could have loved you forever
I could have loved you forever

What do you want from me?, Are you trying to punish me?
Punish me for loving you, punish me for giving to you
Punish me for nothing I do, punish me for nothing
You punish me for nothing, for nothing

(Repeat everything 2x)

================

I miss the time when I was once held so close, like I was all they ever had.

Nikki,

Heya. So, is the high back yet? I hope it is!

This is new to me, the whole typing out a P-letter. Then again, you're not like any other rectora I've written for (and I meant it when I said if I could pick a co-rector, I'd pick you). You're a whole lady apart, and like how you always got the "breaking news" on my life, you get the first ever P-letter typed out!

So let's start. Game? Game.

I want to thank you for everything, Nikki, for the 2-3 years I've known you since I kissed your feet. I think it was lucky that I became pretty good friends with you at a time when my life wasn't set right. Conversely, you had your trying moments too.

Stuck in my head was what I remember how you became near to me: the one funny conversation we had heading to A38 (if I can remember), when I was driving and you were telling me about frustrating shit. Yet despite the drama all the while you were preparing to sponsor your friends, and spent nearly all your money for their P-night. Then there were the YM conversations when I would tell you about it, and how we came closer. Hell, one of which was even a "live feed", with you helping me say the right thing during a very painful exchange.

And you were there, like (almost) always. You pulled through.

And I pulled through too; it was because you were there for me that I made it through a lot of dark days. And it was because you let me in too, that I was able to make it for you. I often prayed to Jess to send people angels to look out for us. I think, this time, Jess decided to do away with winged mythical creatures or what I thought was "just luck". He sent real people. He sent you. And I hope somehow, at some times, He sent me.

It wasn't always gloomy - we had fun too. I remember A36 with you composing the hit single "Pedophile Si Ben." I remember you springing me to Starbucks Promenade on my 24th birthday so I could chill with you and the Agustins - never mind that you had your own stressful morning at the Ateneo Football Field with Fred, you were there for me. I remember dinner out after Ateneo won the basketball championship, I remember going to Galleria with you and Grace and Cy, and karaoke at Josh's birthday, I remember editing your yearbook write-up. They may not all be much long term, but they loom large, still, even if they're ancient and old thoughts now.

Honestly? I miss being there for you. Things are different: we operate around different circles, and we spend time with different friends. We're always at Days, but we've got our own lives running too. Our time talking now is shorter, our attention more divided, our feet directing us differently to different paths. We’d look out for each other less - we’d just care for others more now, I notice.

But to me, Nikki? You'll always still be "first to know", even if, well, I can't find you, or seek you out, or even if you can't be told what's happened to me first. (I’ll still tell you; I trust you, after all.)

You're one of the brightest, most powerful reasons why I'm still staffing, why I still believe in Jess, and why I still believe in Days. I look at the times you've told me, about how hard things are for you, and how you still held on to Jess, still forgave, still forced your bitterness away. I remember how you cared for me, even when I was a jerk, and how you were there for others when nobody was there for them too, and how, each time you credited it to Jess.

At days like these, I can't help but feel like I'm standing in front some lovely work of art, or some grand Wonder of the World, or the most gorgeous lady on the planet. How you love people makes a big guy like me feel small.

And it makes me say "Jess, kung kaya niya, kaya ko pa."

So. Even if Jess needs me and needs you to look after other people now, I want you to know for every day of every year that I breathe, yes, I think you are so fucking awesome.

This letter can't really express it, but I tried.

I love you Nikki. Till next time.


-Raph
a24, sd1

Rain Song


It's okay, you say,
as I lift the umbrella over your head.

I like the rain, you said,
your curvaceous body taking space beside me
as we walked, overcast clouds overhead.

I put the umbrella away, watching the sky
sink into gray seas: the trees
the seaweed and you and I
no greater creatures than fish
awash near a concrete Katipunan Avenue coast.

It is near dusk, and the drizzle
doesn't let up, and we
are closely walking.

Rain calls people closer, I say,
watching everything - friends and lovers
under umbrellas.
But since we didn't use one, what were we?

You ignored me, pointing instead
to oil-slick rainbows on streets,
with your small slippers under your feet like the pot of gold -
little things I notice not right away.
We walked and you were near,

and your soft hair smelled like earth,
like soil that will one day
cover you, cover me,
cover our bodies on our deep descent down.
It's true:
your hair smells of death, of endings, of destiny.

Then and there, watching little things,
I watch water wash over our cheeks, necks, backs,

and my hands want to do the same,
my fingers like falling fire,
your breath the hearth I will call home,
your skin sanctified like a last supper
my mouth craves to consume.

But it is raining,
you walk forward to shade, and I
am always, always
a few steps slower,
a few steps behind you.


current music: True Faith - Bukas Liligaya Din Ako

The Apology



Nelli,

Heya.

I have a confession to make: I have never, ever, ever kissed a girl.

No bullshit! I've never kissed a girl. No girl has ever wanted to kiss me. Not only have I ever not had sex, I've never had a girl say she liked me (out loud). I've never seen a girl naked in person before. I've never gotten so far as to have somebody think of me "in that way". Yes, I've been offered and I've turned down the more physical, flirtatious advances I've had from girls with one drink too many, but that's as far as my romantic history goes.

Then there was this girl who held my hand one stray evening and made me feel by her words and deeds, by her constant asking of my attention and my time and energy that I was worth keeping. That was Mela. And you were at May's party: you saw how she decided not to keep me, how cold and distant we are now, and I promised myself never to be used up by anyone like that again.

Romantically, I've always been a loser. I've never been great with girls. I know how to get along with girls, have fun and play around and show them a good time, but I've never taken it further than the casual laughter-laded conversation, nor had I found anybody worth giving more to.

And finally, there's you. You, whom I've kissed on the cheek, held hands with, bought flowers for, seen in a bikini, walked together with on a beach, and even shared a bed to sleep with. You who I watch American Idol with, you who slept on my couch, in my car, and in chairs and tables around the house. You who bought me cheese at Santi's, fries at McDonald's, strawberry wine at Baguio and cupcakes at Sonja's. You who shared coffee with me, shared secrets with me, and even tried to set me up on a date with her best friend. All that, in a span of two and three months, when other friends I've made wouldn't dare do these for me all through the years I've known them.

You told me that I was your best guy friend. You told me about the boys you used to date, confided about your history and more. You told me things like how you have a tendency to depend on people, and one of these people you said was me. And you even once said that if things were different, we'd be together and that I really just wasn't what you wanted now.

Of all that, what truly truly struck me was how you said I was your best guy friend. Because nobody ever said that to me before. Nobody made me feel valuable like you ever did, and not in a romantic way, but in a way like a truly deeply affective companion.

And that's because, over the past two glorious months, I've come to depend on you like nobody. I've come to find some validation in knowing that you were always there. That if the chips were down Nelli would still make my day. That you always had the best thing to say about the gloomiest subjects, because you wouldn't joke about it; you'd take me seriously. That you trusted me, and it was a world of joy knowing you did.

None of my friends have been as open as you have been to me. It means so much that you are, that you don't mince words, that you counted me close to you, as I do you.

Then again, my friends will all say the same thing: the closer you get to Raph, the more likely he's going to hurt you. And at times, he won't even realize it until it's too late - you'll just get hurt.

And hurt you I did. I'm not proud of that Saturday at Ate Mott's. I'm not proud of my behavior with you and Gelo at Trinoma. I'm not proud of the doubts, fears, suspicions I've harbored and told no one - how you might be just using me, or taking advantage of my feelings, or that you were being reckless with my heart by dating around, especially when I was still courting you.

The thing is? All these are so, so small, compared to what I did. And while I promised to do you right, I didn't do you right there. For that, I'm so sorry.

You see, I wanted to be ever so closer to you, so much because you've come to mean this much to me that I was so wrapped up in it, that I couldn't tell apart being in love, and being loved, and actually loving. And I forgot it didn't need t o be in that way either.

I took for granted the ways and sacrifices you'd used to make for us to hang out, for us to be friends, and for you and I to get to know each other better. I forgot how attentive you've always been to my every mood shift, my every facial tick, or even the food I'd eat and the way I'd drive. I forgot how present you have awlays tried to be in my life, and how you'd share me yours by meeting your friends and by walking me around Malate.

I forgot that's how you cared for me, when I took them for granted, or took them as something different. That's how hungry I was for you, I guess, that in the end I just took and took and didn't realize I was hurting you, or making things hard for you.

Today, I'm alone at home on a Saturday, and I look outside at the driving rain clean the air like a cool bath. Summer has ended. Time away to think and reflect has been kind. You are right; I do need time away, I do need growing up and moving forward to do.

And as grateful as I was to finally fall in love this summer, I want to start the rainy season knowing I found something better: I found you, my once-constant companion.

All I ask is reconciliation.

If there's anything I promise you, it's that I treasure this friendship we've forged. Thanks to you I've gotten to see how much better a guy, a better future boyfriend, a better child of God I can be. You've been a good influence, helping me lose weight and motivating me to get a job, and plan farther into my future, to chase dreams I want, to help get my life back in order.

And I want to return the favor. I want to make your life that much better, because for this summer you've made mine that much wonderful too. I'm sorry how summer ended on this, but if you could find it in yourself to forgive me, I'd gladly do all I can to make it up to you all the rest of the year long.

There. I've said my piece. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please know that no matter what happens, I'll remember you with fondness, gratitude, humilty and joy.

Thanks for everything, Nelli. Be safe.

-Raph

Seven Candles


I lit seven candles at church today
and laid them out in a little row,
tiny lights burning single file
and silently recited seven Hail Marys for you.

But if you were here, you'd say
don't believe in that stuff
like you'd say it's just bread, it's just wine
or how Mary was a girl, not divine
how I'd look at my hands ,
I'd say "map," you'd say "lines",
how I'd shuffle cards,
I'd say "path", you'd roll eyes and sigh.

It's the river, this faith, this soft wave,
the Holy Ghost and its Holy See,
that sails me slowly out to sea and so
you say
I'm but fish not good enough to pull a net up and catch
because of kind of water I breathe in, believe in.

Or was it you
who wanted
to lift her hands
and soar away upwards
to places I can't reach, with song I can't hear,
and unfit to sing?

All I know is I lit seven candles,
and sang in me a small hymn
watching them burn slow,
tiny stars that might lead you back to me.


current music: Get Here - as sung by Camil Labog

Sige, Kwentuhan Tayo (Cross-posted on LJ, Mutliply and Facebook)

1.) A-DAYS IS NEAR!

I just had to say that. The next batch for A-Days with the Lord is upon us! Text/message me if you want to join the next retreat, whether as a first-time participant or a returning Dayzer looking to join in. My cell is 0918-3744274!

I always look forward to these. They're the recharge I always seem to need, no matter how hard things get.

OH YEAH! We're also looking for people to donate money to our community! Dayzers who pledge up to PhP 300 get a complimentary CD as our way of saying "Thank you!". :D

(And believe me, there are some songs there that are performed just flat-out outstandingly. Yes, I'm talking about you, Waps San Diego. And you, Carlo Santos. And you, Camil Labog, and Kyla Rivera, and Nikki Danao. Yeah, all of the both of you.)



2.) I'VE GOT A JOB NOW!

I got picked up by a company with an office along Ayala Ave (not telling you which). I write articles that you'll probably never read. They just help our clients get found on Google.

I promised myself that I've had enough of writing that does not feature my by-line. However, times are tricky. I've had to take the job just to stem the tide of me borrowing money from my family. Yeah. It got pretty bad there.

The job itself is a bit slow. (I'm writing in the office now because I'm almost done! 200 words left!) I sit. I write. I crack jokes with the teammates, who are fun to hang out with. The bosses are nice. I find food downstairs at luch, and I leave at 6pm when we are done.

What I never realized was a special fringe benefit of the job was Makati itself. I used to hate Makati and how hard it was to drive to anywhere and park. Now? I ADORE it. I love walking around Ayala Ave. on my way to work, and I love it even more on my way home. It's an amazing wash of activity and people, with so many places I could seek out and explore. I hadn't felt like that since I walked around Quiapo on my own for the first time (which I want to do again someday!).

Fine, fine. I'll get sick of the smoke and the crowds and the mean faces in the crowds, and the brutal queues at the MRT, and the buses that honk too loud.

But not yet.



3.) I'm caught in between two best friends.

Well, I don't know if they're even friends anymore. They've been at odds for a while now. And they're still both my friends. And I love them both (though maybe one, I love more. hehe)

Let's just say I'm not fond of balancing being friends to both. And it bothers me too that they act like the other doesn't exist. It hurts, considering how one has always been there for me, and how the other is the one who's around for me when I need someone and badly.

It's like having an eye to my past and another to my future. And I'm stuck with today, where they're not ever gonna meet.

And now, they're dead to each other, and I don't know if it's really my job to help them reconnect. I have a funny feeling if I brought them together, they'll either hate me or love me, and I don't think I can afford to lose BOTH of them. They're that hurt.

What do you guys do? Ever been in a similar bind? How'd you gets get there? (PM if you're shy.)



4.) BIRTHDAY PARTY NI MAY BUKAS!

What'll I wear? What'll I wear? It's only the first time I've ever tried to make it to her parties. :D
(Oh wait, you weren't told? Well TOO BAD. :p)



5.) I realized I'm drawn to people who need me. And I never hold anything back for them.

Because maybe, someday, they'll be there if I come to need them so badly too. And maybe they'll give me all they got too.


6.) My current mood might just be summed up simply with:

I don't want excuses
I don't want your smiles
I don't want to feel like we're apart a thousand miles

I don't want your attitude
I don't want your things
But I don't want a phone that never rings

I want your love and I want it now

I want your love and I want it now

Good night Metro Manila (and beyond) ! Sa susunod!

current music: silence, but I hear "Whenever, Wherever, Whatever" in my head



We are at Manila, and nobody in my house knows I'm with her. We are parked in front of the bank. She's reclined her seat, and is trying to sleep, recharging her batteries for an interview in an hour. I'm writing this draining my laptop's battery. I kill the radio so I don't drain the car's battery. And I'm already trying my best to weather the next battery of the various tasks and errands we do as "constant companions".

It has been two weeks since she asked me to stop courting her. She told me that this wasn't what she wanted. I was saddened; I realized that I did something wrong, or I got too emotional, or I lost sight of what she wanted, how she felt, how unsure she may have been about it all. She said that there are things her life must take care of first - a job, moving out, a life away from our homeland. She said she feels how I care for her, but she can't have a boyfriend - she feels her life can't afford to be smothered by another's. Not now.

She's curled to the side, her breasts heaving high and low at her breath, and they are so beautiful. She's so beautiful when she sleeps. I want to curl up close, hold her near me and chase her down the footpath of dream and sleep, to kiss her lips and take in her breath's scent.

But there's just no room; this is a small car, and she can barely find a comfortable position for herself. What more with me in the picture?

I still love her, though. Always.

current music: The Weepies - Somebody Loved


She's asleep on my couch. I took the blanket of Mom's bed, and wrapped her around it. She took it and quickly covered her face, curling into a little ball. She does that in bed, and this afternoon she's fighting off the effects of a drowsy, few-hours-of-sleep-last-night afternoon by giving in, and taking a cat nap. I've had to shoo away our cats from bothering the blob of yellow cloth on the couch. I've switched into house clothes from the street clothes I was in a while ago, writing this while she sleeps, while I wait for downloads to finish, while I watch her beautiful back rise and fall with her breath. Not so long ago, she was with my Mom and Dad over lunch. Just the night ago, she was introducing me to friends. Just a few days ago, we were alone on a Bolinao beach, her bright, tight, tanned body putting the setting sun to shame, my fingers entwined in her hand.

It's a quiet afternoon, and I'm writing to tell you all that I'm incredibly happy. It's times like this I realize it: I was wrong when I said I'd never feel this way again because I do now. I was wrong when I said I'd be miserable because of what I lost - by losing what I thought I had, something incredible arrived in my life in turn, and fills my days with new hope. I was wrong when I said I'd never find somebody, because, in a weird, weird way last February, that girl was the one who found me.

I really do love her, above and beyond what I thought ever possible. And these lines can barely show how grateful I am, for everything.

current music: Old Friends - Everything But the Girl

Old Friends - Everything But The Girl


Not for the first time I look back
on all those years
Not for the last time names will ring
in my ear
When there was just a gang of us
Storming the town by train and bus
A moment of thought this heart sends
to old friends

Not for the first time I look back
on my first love
Unable to speak or think or move
hand in glove
But what of it now and where is he
He who once meant so much to me
Because we are not, I can't pretend
now old friends

I was told love should hold old friends
I was told love should hold old friends
But when you leave you will close the door
behind you
Don't we always
And time won't make amends
to old friends

Standing here with my arm around you
life's moved on
And all its borderlines
are being redrawn
The winter has come the roads are white
Everyone's home late tonight
Maybe we stay or will it depend
as old friends
In the end still old friends

Let's see. (Hands Like Sandpaper, Heart Like a Pressure Cooker)

1.) My brother is hardly home. He shows up to eat, and maybe get money from my parents. Otherwise, he goes off and into friends' houses. He tells us he studies there and we believe him. He spends the night, because he can study there better. When he is a home, he plays a lot of DotA; studying less and video gaming more. We believe him.

2.) My mobile phone is broken. Do not call me, for I will not hear you. It's as if distance has caught up with me, with the voices of friends suddenly muted to whispers and further and further into deafening quiet. With that, I have become a Deaf Siva, Destroyer of all sounds - any audio I make with my mouth still resembles speech, but my ears unable to hear your words. I will send text messages; like the deaf, I will use my eyes and hands instead, to find you.

3.) As the year bumbled in, I turned 25. It was the worst start of the year this year; people used me as an excuse to make merry while starting fights and picking fires. People would much rather fight with me than fight for me, I guess. It is a distant ways away, but I am itching to hold Christmas tinsel and birthday cake again. I am a child like that.

4.) I am usually hurt by things that I never see coming. I am blind like that.

5.) My sister likes to paint. She is also such a good student, she made it to the interview shortlist of PGH. She is now on the fast track to follow my Dad's footsteps. I wanted to walk those footsteps, be a doctor just like my father. I was a child, like that. I wanted to be the doctor while fulfilling the dream to get rich and marry the loveliest girl I know. Now it's Dad's youngest daughter and younger son who may make it as doctors, now that my sister made it to that big deal med school. Not me. I fell in love with words, not windpipes. I told them I didn't want it anymore, and I meant it. They believed me.

6.) At work, people wish I arrive earlier. It's a big deal that I get there early, they say. So since last August I get up from bed at seven or eight in the morning, work at nine and leave for home by six. On Saturdays, I have another day. On a bad day, I wake up late, and still get to work late, but the bottom line is I get home late too. I am hardly at home. It's a price I pay to earn my money. I will not get rich or marry yet with what I earn now, but have I do it; nobody will do it if not me, I tell myself. It's a bigger deal that I give it, really.

7.) My Internet life is thriving. It is uncanny. On Facebook, I have 968 friends. There will be more. Friendster had 728. Multiply had even fewer, 587. All these are people I have met, kissed, hugged, held hands with, sent texts to, got drunk and woke up confused with and all manner of things. The Internet helps me bridge distances with my eyes and hands, to friends I have, and there will be more, I tell myself.

8.) I am thinking of inviting some of you to a party I am throwing on the 7th. It'll follow in the footsteps of the one last year. We had got together everybody from A-Days whose birthday was on January, and celebrated like it was Christmas and my birthday again, where we, now another year into being grown-ups, get to be celebrate and dance so free. I am excited because it's a day when for one night, my home is a playground and I am not alone in the world.

9.) I jog every other day. Or night. Actually. I like night far better. I run through a familiar route around our village, darkened like a dreamy wood. You can hear the howling of neighbor's hounds, and smell the scent of flowers, maybe jasmines or dama de noche or whatever it was, I forget. It is beautiful this time of year, the night. I get my iPod, lace up my shoes and run till my heart is pounding, my breath panting and the rest of my body unable to rise from bed. I am training to be stronger, fitter, and maybe even sexier, that when you see me someday you will be impressed. You'll never see it coming. (But now you might; the Internet is uncanny.)

10.) One of my best friends gave me a bag. It was for Christmas and my birthday. When I opened the wrapper, it first looked like a scarf. I was so happy until I pulled it all the way out. I was still happy, even if I thought I would get what I was really asking for. I didn't see it coming, after all. You have to believe me.

11.) I still train with the Kendo people. I like how my hands grow like sandpaper, and my heart like a pressure cooker. It's strength, I tell myself and I believe it. It's another step closer to being stronger, fitter, sexier. I put on the blue robes and blue pants and take bamboo sword to the dojo, surrounded by other people with blue robes, blue pants and bamboo swords. We fight with one another and fight for one another, striking stomach, wrist, temple of head. I swing my sword till my hands are like sandpaper, my heart like a pressure cooker. I go home breath panting, heart pounding and body unable to move. It is like I have been loved in a very special way. It's uncanny.

12.) Today, I am giving a talk for A-Days. It's a big deal. I never saw it coming. Now, I am trying my best to hold my nerve, the way a teenager prepares for prom, or a man who isn't all that rich asks the prettiest girl to marry him. It feels like the first few hours before first few times I kissed, hugged, held hands, got drunk, woke up confused, and all sorts of other things with people. I studied up hard on the topic; but maybe I am the one who needs to learn. I am a child like that.

13.) My sister and I found a friend on the Internet. She apparently hooked up with another friend, one we both met when we were in high school. We were impressed. He was my classmate, my sister met him when she was a freshman then. She was, is, beautiful, head to toe, although probably not the prettiest girl I know. He was, is, okay. Love is blind like that. I should know.

14.) I am born to love, but I am not a born lover. Believe me please.

15.) I am asked what my plans are beyond my job. I am asked if I will ever fall in love, and I don't tell them of the picture I like to paint in my imagination. Maybe, just maybe, I have already secretly begun the plans to get rich and marry the dearest girl I know. I will hold her close, stare into her beautiful, beautiful eyes, hold her hand and whisper "I have found you, you whose name God carved into the palm of my hands." There will be more, of course, on that day tht I can say I have more, more to give. It's a dream, a dream that requires more than my sandpaper hands, weary eyes and high-blood pressure pounding heart. I cannot do this fight alone. I need her to fight for me too.

16.) It is a weekend, and I am tired. I long for sleep. Do not call me, for I will not hear you. Instead, pray for me please. Please believe me, when I smile and say I'm okay, never mind my weary eyes betray that there are mornings I don't want to go to work because I have nightmares of all my dreams slipping further and further into the quiet, quiet dark night that I never see coming, disappearing like the scent of flowers like jasmines. Or was it lilies, maybe? I forget. I wake breath panting, heart pounding and body unable to rise. Maybe I am in love, after all, in a very special way. Life is uncanny like that.

...because I spent last night watching one of my personal heroes become President of the United States of America! And I liked the speech - not the rising "yes we can" forcefulness from when he won, nor the tear-jerking inspiring from when we got the nomination, but a clarion call to do the work to bring change.

Heck, it has something for everybody! Listen! (See everyone? You can be awesome too.)

'Ika nga:

"To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

Ano kaya reaction ni PGMA? Haha!

Below is the speech, along with a transcript.








My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.