I got home and my parents were real pissed. They saw something I posed on the Internet. It was a message that was about doctors and the way taxes are done, and how I wasn't on the doctors' side.

My Dad is a doctor, and my brother and sister are on their way. I have an aunt, and some extended family who are MD's too. Basically, it's a family thing. We keep our good lives because of that kind of work.

So when the government went on a witch hunt calling out professionals who aren't paying the proper rates, you'd expect that I'd be upset. You'd think I'd be all up in arms saying "it's awful advertising, and makes sweeping statements that are false".

But I didn't. In fact, I went on to say that I wasn't exactly too proud of how our family clinic works. (Which caters to the lowest income-earners.) While I totally get the pragmatic side of making a profit and I do live in the relative luxury gained by this profit, I still ask: "Why are we still pinching the money from them at all? Is there no better way to earn? Why do I still have the means to an Ateneo education, while there are people whose last 50 pesos or less could've gone to food, and instead to to my family so my brother can get married in a nice wedding, my sister can have a nice apartment all her own, and why I can afford to travel?" It never sits well. Never does.

So I voiced my solidarity with the cause that while, yes, the government's campaign is broken, and not all doctors are crooks, I went out and said that there should be more accountability. That there should be more parity in how doctors work. That even the folks in my household pay a rate that is lower than a lot of people do, including people like me.

So the folks got mad. They yelled at me for a solid hour. They went on about how I may have incriminated them, and the suits would be up in Dad's face, and he might get jailed for tax evasion. All sorts of stuff.

And I feel bad. I do.

But I also know: if you're not doing anything wrong, why are you afraid?

Jerry Holkins, Comedy Hero

I have peculiar taste with comedy. Being funny is hard. It is also pretty easy. It's something we get moment-to-moment. Life is short. It is good to enjoy a good laugh.

I'm certainly not that funny when in my natural (Internet-browsing-in-front-of-a-TV) condition. I consider this as a sad drawback. I am a very overweight male who is naturally shy bordering on social awkwardness. Consider too that I am turning 30. If the World Bank statistics are to be believed, the average life expectancy of a Filipino like myself born in the year I was born in is around 64 years. It is close to the peak, and every thing is downhill from here for me.

Yet, I have had some success with being funny around friends! In class I have become something of a class clown, and more so in my Group Therapy classes, where I soften blows by being off-the-cuff. When I sit with clients, when they tell me their sad stories, I make it a personal win when I get them to laugh, because for a moment, they found a spot that they enjoyed. Or maybe they found it awkward. I hope not. I'm still bad at my job like that.

Consider the video below. It is a clip from the Penny Arcade live documented series, "PATV". Some of you may have strong opinions about Penny Arcade, mostly due to the bad judgement of artist Mike Krahulik, and his poorly stated expressions on rape.

What wins PA for me over and over is the other half of the team, Jerry Holkins. Just listen to the guy. (He's the bald one). Listen to his timing. Especially that bit at the end!

My gosh.

Jerry Holkins is my comedic hero. He takes full advantage of his big vocabulary. He uses these big words to help him time his delivery. It's impeccably hilarious.

I've been listening to PA podcasts and watching episodes of PATV. He really does carry that jovial, spontaneous personality. I don't think he even tries very hard to bring that extra verve in his day-to-day life. I think it comes so naturally it's become interwoven into skin and grafted into his bones.

This is new to me. It's a "Breakthrough" as some call it. I never had a role model who I really felt I could brag to the world and say "yeah, that's the one". I've had heroes. I've had people I admired and loved to watch on TV or listen to music of, or read poetry of. I've had close friends, colleagues, and superiors at work or school who helped guide me here and there. Yet, few of the things I picked up over the years challenge me like the clip right there.

I suppose that's a good thing. Following Penny Arcade is not new. It's certainly not the most novel thing I've done, and I've started to outgrow some of the old standard jokes of their strip. But I do enjoy seeing the behavior of the people behind the scenes. They are by no means noble. Yet, they make no bones about their failings. "This is us. We're not great. But we're honest."

I am challenged to be that kind of honest, in what I write, what I say, and how I share of myself. I hope some of you help me get there too.

Today, I got word that a piece of my childhood died. Today, LucasArts Games is no more.

LucasArts is - was - the game development arm of the George Lucas Film company. The same people that made movies like Star Wars and Indiana Jones started out nearly 30 years ago to try and make money.

What the world got, however, was something else. The studio was a major innovator in the 90's. They made brilliant games like Maniac Mansion, Full Throttle, Grim Fandango, Monkey ISland, Loom, The Dig. These, at the time called 'graphic adventure' games showed people how games could startle, surprise, and make people laugh and think without resorting to the cheap thrill violence people typified video games with (and still do sometimes).

In the broader scheme of game development, LucasArts invented two big things. The first was iMUSE, or the Interactive Music Streaming Engine. It let people synchronize music to what was happening in-game, much like a movie would. Except, of course, this "movie" is one you control, so mood, themes, and tone of scenes were preserved. It helped make awesome stories.

The second big thing came earlier: their development of the SCUMM engine. The Script Creation Utility for Maniac Mansion (SCUMM) meant that instead of scripting out event after event on code in-game, events could be worked into the game more quickly. It was a big deal with the adventure games, as they
could include cool events taking place on-screen, and a developer could better "direct" events playing out as opposed to breaking out scripted events on code.

Add to the fact that they were one of the earliest to do high quality in-game voice acting and to try make thoughtful narratives, and you have the makings of a resonant legacy.

I think the odd catchment the company had with the Star Wars world, people recognized the brand instantly, and everything associated with them resonated quickly. Behind a young Ron Gilbert and Tim Schafer, the company made these daring, different games that were huge hits, even halfway around the world here where I live.

I used to go to my aunt's house every few weekends and I would park myself in front of her PC screen whenever she was done with work. I would go on clicking and clicking a mouse (then a new thing for the early 90's) and play these games. Most days it was Indiana Jones: Fate of Atlantis. That one was a favorite. I would also go to school and people would have something to say about one of their games. We'd catch up and compare notes: how was your game of X-Wing? Where are you now in Full Throttle? I'm stuck at a puzzle in Loom, can you help?

As they also held the licenses to the Star Wars world, LucasArts also played a role in games later on after the 90's. They greenlit games like "Star Wars: Empire at War" by Petroglyph games (which I have so many fond memories of), and Factor 5's "Star Wars: Rouge Squadron" (which I also thought was incredible). There's also a special something called "Star wars: Knights of the Old Republic" by Bioware, which, to this day, is unsurpassed as Star Wars stories go, that no Star Wars movie in the last decade has surpassed. I tell you, whenever we say George Lucas "lost his touch" with the movies, some games churned out were exceptional and deserve the time and attention of millions.

And that's what hurts when I think about LucasArts. There was always so much room to grow, to move to, to try. Yet, they didn't, and as games got more expensive to develop, they dug a trench around themselves with the Star Wars license, and never tried anything else. They had, for the longest time, the Sam & Max titles, of which nothing happened for a decade. They still are sitting on "Grim Fandango" and "Full Throttle". They had "The Force Unleashed," a Star Wars game set in the world of the movies - and it stank. They even made a bad sequel to it, but no good Indiana Jones game has been made for years.

They were making a new game, "1313", hailed by critics as, well, "A New Hope". Well, that got canned too as the company closes. And it's a punch to the gut for me. Now 150 skilled developers lost their jobs, while the parent company, Disney, decided to close it and it would "[minimize] the company's risk while achieving a broad portfolio of quality Star Wars games". Which is insane, given how many great opportunities still say at the back-burner. It's a business decision, and there may be more behind it, but there seems to be a narrowness of thought behind the decision. They could have at least let the current team finish up their work!

It's just haunting. I'm close to my 30's and I do daydream of what I may pass on to my children. While I've come to accept some parts of my past being lost bit by bit, a company that spans 30 years would've been something special to point to my son and daughter and say "those guys did special things, and I can share them with you.". Now I only have dust to point my finger to, and that whisper in my head that whimpers and weeps.

Fan Mail: thatgamecompany

Hi everyone from thatgamecompany!

My name is Raph, and I'm a graduate student here in the Philippines. I love video games, and I recently picked up the Collector's Edition of your games for the PlayStation 3 at my local store. It was a good day: I finally got hold of your titles! Living here the urban sprawl of Metro Manila, there's no real support for an online store that lets us get digital releases, (no support from Xbox Live Arcade nor the PlayStation Store as of this writing) so it was a godsend that a boxed collected set was made available. I bought it, and after hearing the gaming press sing praises for "Journey", "flower" and "flOw", and I finally get to play them!

After my first run with "Journey", I was moved to tears.

I'm currently a grad student learning Counseling Psychology, and my future work trajectory is all about helping people cope with life challenges. Many of the people I've been asked to look after all come to me depressed, or on drugs, or even already confined for psychiatric care, and I'm being trained to provide therapeutic work for them. I listen to stories of people being abused, or abusing themselves, and my job is to listen and hold their trust as a total stranger. It's challenging because I'm ending my days heavier, moodier, and more stressed out because I have to "help people carry" the emotions that they take from their daily lives. I go home and play video games but I only get so much relief from the titles out there on the market today, full of violence and anger, all of which I already see regularly in my young practice. 

Playing "Journey" was startling because I ran into a total stranger and he/she accompanied me all the way through the top of the mountain. I could tell it wasn't the first run of my companion from the longer scarf and the patterns on the robes. Yet, at the top of every hill he/she waited for me to climb up after them, at the bottom of every slide he/she waited for me, and at points I got lost he/she would call and I'd know who to follow.

Suddenly, it was like the tables of my life were reversed. Where I had to be trusted, at that run I was the one who had to trust others. I was the one being helped by a total stranger. I could put my, well, journey's fate to a total stranger. And they helped me through the whole way too, and I tried to help as well.

It made me realize that I don't always have all the answers. I learned how to be more open to the kindness of others, which I started to feel I was losing touch with (and it's almost a requirement for my work-path). Lately, most of my interactions with people are "challenging" and demand I tackle with a mind-set of "fix this". Here was a time where I'm playing a game and the mind-set was "let's do this together" and it's so refreshing.

I felt that because of the profound experience the game made for me, I feel more "whole" as a person, more in touch with that side of myself that can relate to others. It's funny how a game with no chat functions managed to open me to somebody else, and with hope, to others in life. I felt that it's such a new experience for games as a whole, and I think somehow it's a shame not enough people have gotten to play this.

Maybe someday I'll be able to help someone else along their own journey, both in the game, and as someone to trust in their lives as a counselor. I learned here that we open ourselves when you take away the external things - language, gender, identity - and focus on the person as a person, and that together you're stronger than alone. I suppose that someday I could even use the game as a way to provide people with some relief too, and get them to play it! I have a good feeling some of my clients can feel a lot better after buying your games!

It's astonishing what your team at thatgamecompany is doing everyday, and the world is richer because of what you're doing and because of the heart you all put into it. Even if others dismiss video games as toys for children, I know better: my own life is greatly made richer.

I hope that your team continues to produce amazing things. I hope you know how you've helped impact my life, and that you may continue to impact others' lives too.

Maraming salamat po. Mabuhay ang thatgamecompany!
(Thank you very much. Long live thatgamecompany!)

With warmth.

current music:
Everything But The Girl - I Always Was Your Girl (crazy, I know)



I was digging through old writing I did and decided to put up a copy of this here. It was part of Apple's call for messages following the passing away of Steve Jobs. I greatly admired Apple, as a company, and also as the (pardon the pun) fruit of a pioneering vision. I was sad to hear of his passing. I wrote this. I hope you like it.


Dear friends in Apple,

Hi, my name is Raph Doval-Santos. I'm from the Philippines, and am one of many people inspired by the late Steve Jobs. I'm writing to share in both mourning his passing, as well as celebrating the great gift of his life, and how he's made our world a better place.

I was four years old when I first touched a Macintosh. It was 1988, and my aunt at the time was a programmer making a CASE tool for the early Macs. She had a one of the early units at home; I don't remember the model anymore as I was too young. Still, it was the first time I ever saw a mouse. I even remember how pretty the letters looked, and how the white icons on the screen seemed nice to look at. I remembered how much easier it felt to use, compared to the green-and-black letters out of the other computers I had seen then.

My aunt then let me play video games on it - primitive billiards table games - and it shaped me forever. It began not only a long love affair with video games, but also a love for technology, and the never-ending childlike curiosity to explore machines, gadgets, software, and emerging innovations.

This story might be nothing new to most, but in a third-world country where most people shun the new and threateningly exotic solutions to problems, it the first seeds of my life-long hunger to learn and inquisitive approach to finding answers to questions no matter how big or small. It was like a first lesson in learning that even what isn't familiar and scary may still be the door to another way of thinking and working.

At an early age, I was lucky to be exposed to technology. I'm probably one of millions of my generation that grew up acquainted with machines, and the impact they made on my life. I remember growing up playing games on computers, writing poetry on a screen, and have listened to music made portable. I'm immersed in technology, and when I pass on, I'll likely be immersed even more deeply.

I didn't realize much across the years I lived. Looking back, I do see now a bigger picture, the same way Steve eloquently described as "connecting the dots looking backward". Steve's innovations in technology, taken individually might not shake the world right away. Yet, they transformed the way we looked at tech. Today we expect tech to be stylish, ergonomic, and intelligently designed. The first time I saw an iPod, and I remember thinking "How easy to use a track wheel is!" and I thought from then on I'd never go back to pushing buttons again. I remember a time when touch-screen clipboard pads were a thing of Star Trek; now they're real, and they're all Apple's inventions.

Steve Jobs, however, wasn't just a builder of pretty things - many people do that. What stuns us is how he did it with a passion that few can do. He loved what he did. His company was powered by that passion. Through this, Apple made wonderful things, and I felt like somebody out there really gave careful, loving thought about what I was going to use, because he or she cared about how I felt using it, and in that way, I felt cared for. Whenever I opened my MacBook or picked a new song from my iTunes playlist, I'm grateful for the passion Steve put into his work. I'm grateful for how my life is easier because my MacBook doesn't get viruses like my PC's, or how the iPhone's camera actually takes lovely shots unlike other phone-cameras. Where something is just an 'add-on', on Apple it's an essential bit, and I love the work Apple has done, and by extension, what Steve Jobs has done.

Steve's great love and desire to follow through for what he loved so greatly pushed the limits of what the status quo could be. We may not all be Apple fans. We may not all be directly affected by his life's ending. But we must take away something of how his tireless drive for life pushed us all forward. He was an example of what he preached, and this became an inspiration in my life's big decision-points.

Steve challenged us all to do what we loved to do, with confidence and a certain "recklessness" born of faith it all will be well. It's this same courage that has directed my life today, as a fund raising associate in a non-profit that helps charities and other advocacy groups perform the work that pushes the world forward. It's the same kind of 'abandon' that made me choose to leave my career on hold, and explore the southern Philippines as a Jesuit volunteer, teaching high school English to students of the indigenous tribal peoples.

My life was changed by Steve Jobs's example. I chose to take this road-less-traveled in a certain solidarity with what Steve Jobs said - do what we love, waste nothing of your life, and have faith it works out. I will say that while I may never build a touch-screen mobile device, or a new cloud-computing solution, if my own journey led me to new students being able to pass their college entrance tests, or for another family to be served be a well-funded charity, then the world is brighter by me. And it is brighter by me, because of the light Steve's example was to me.

My heart goes out to Steve Jobs' family, and his close friends. I too, will miss him, for the light he lit half a world away has already been the beacon that pushes me forward, in my corner of the world. I will pray for him and his family, and I hope somebody else, too, may have had a life made better by his work and his example.


With warmth,
Raph

current music: The Mass Effect 3 OST playing in my mind in the quiet evening.

I take for granted how a house is full of strange memories. You have closets, drawers, shelves. There are boxes, folders, envelopes, bags. They all contain things. They can be papers from school, some you liked, some you never read. They can be old trinkets: gifts, keepsakes, things to help you remember.

I am in the house den. I was digging through the things because, like any video game enthusiast on a budget, I was looking for something old to install on my PC. From there, I'd fire up something old, just to help me pass the time. It's like reading an old book for me, these old games. The pixels and the sounds are what fill the imagination much like the pages of well-worn favorites.

In my sifting through the CD's, I saw old mixtapes I made from college. Some of them were from the plays I was directing for class. Others were backups of old favorite hip-hop tracks I picked up along the way. There were also DVD's mixed up with the audio CD's, some were old software copies that the publishers likely didn't remember anymore. Still others were CD's that hadn't even been opened up yet, likely bought off the shelf on discount and never given much attention to.

Our homes are like our minds. They house things we can't remember, or years we prefer to tune out and forget. We clean them out every now and then, re-evaluating the junk that piles up and discarding what we don't need. We upgrade, or we replace, or we augment what we have. Rarely we keep something past its need-due-date, unless it's especially old, or especially special. Or only if we have the space at home.

I'm starting to reflect that our family is fond of remembering. We have a largish house. There are lots of things we don't need. These things, we are too unwilling to part with. You wonder sometimes if the old arguments we had or old grudges we keep bringing up as a family reflect in our things. Like, every time you look at a row of encyclopedia books on a shelf, you remember the day you wanted to pound your five year old brother with them, or the time you look at a statue, you wonder if your teenage daughter and that boy she fancied was worth the restless shouting contest that kept the neighbors up.

And likewise, I wonder if people with smaller houses don't remember. I wonder if it's easier for them to let go of bad habits or bad memories. If they're less burdened by dusty, suffocating thoughts. If they're happier.

Dancing Drawings

(cross posted on heaven-spawn.livejournal.com)

I don't watch much TV, but when I do, I watch cartoons.

I really don't remember how it began, but for all my life, my great love has been animation. More specifically, cartoons.

I remember when I was about 2 or 3 years old, I started trying to draw. My parents remember how the walls of our old home were covered in crayon wax. I even remember that the color was left on for a long time. I suppose they were either sentimental, or they wanted to make me feel like what I scrawled on them was special. Still. I remember moving my hands, making shapes. I loved lessons I learned about shapes too: squares, triangles, circles. I liked trying to put images on paper, even if I was never at all very good at it (and still not). Skill and love are not always the same thing.

I did, however, remember a time when I saw a cartoon. It must have been Mickey Mouse, because I remember how he looked like he was made of simple shapes: circles. I thought I could draw that. But he moved.

I looked for a sheet of paper and I tried to approximate Mickey with pencil. He looked more like a bean afterwards. And to add to my frustration: the TV version moved. Mine didn't.

And he talked! It was just gibberish then. Later, I got to see other cartoons and started deriving meaning from language properly, it was more than just pictures. They were stories. They were characters. They were a world that didn't exist (they weren't "real life" like the news shows of my parents or the drama shows of the house helpers), but they were more fun.

Video games were an even bigger source of amazement. Cartoons, and I could make them move! I finally had a way to 'paint' my own cartoon story, thanks to moving pixels and electronics. When Mario jumped, he did it because I said so, unlike that hapless coyote who falls for the Road Runner's tricks. Games then never looked as nice as the TV shows, but I didn't mind. (On some days, I'd watch the "Super Mario Brothers' Super Show" on Channel 2 and clutch the controller of our Family Computer, as if I were guiding Mario save Princess Peach yet again.)

To this day I still watch cartoons. Age didn't make me dismiss them as for kids only: learning about how they are made and the time it takes made me really, really get into them deeper. I read somewhere that one episode of "The Simpsons" used to take up to 148 days to finish: writing, drawing, voice acting, the works. It would take much longer for an epic like "The Lion King" or "WALL-E". The stories also didn't necessarily have to be for children either; any fan of anime will attest to that.

There's anime, there's CGI, there's traditional cel-based shows, and I'd watch them all. Hell, I still watch cartoons on TV. I guess you never really leave a love you've had for years on end.

Here's a couple of favorite TV shows I've nurtured. I'll leave out anime for this post; there are too many!





The Real Ghostbusters came first, but Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles really put me on the road to liking cartoons forever! It was fate, I guess, that I had the same name as my favorite one, the sarcastic Raphael. It was a kids' favorite for lots of reasons: memorable characters, ninja fighting action, and that song! The remakes in the 2000's never got that charm back, but still, this one I remember very fondly.





The Simpsons used to appear regularly on Fridays, back in a time when Friday evenings on local TV were exclusively for children. I liked it then because it was funny slapstick. I got older, and started understanding the more outrageous comedy, particularly the provocative jokes that blew right past my 8-year old self. To this day, I still think it's good comedy. I still look for this when I channel surf. 23 years down and it's still interesting, never mind the shine came off some years ago.




I must be the only one who misses cartoons on Fridays on Philippine TV. Batman: The Animated Series made its debut in this city through those Friday nights. At the time, it was a sit-in to replace the Ninja Turtles when the series started to spiral out. Little did anybody know it would be a masterpiece of animated storytelling, and broadcast to a whole country every week for years! The X-Men series had more fans, and The Simpsons was more mature, but Batman was like the basketball pick and roll: fundamental and core to any cartoon fan's experience. And yes, it did explore deep ideas like psychosis, regret, and ultimately self-redemption. Hell, if I have kids one day I want them to grow up watching this too.





Codename: Kids Next Door was pure fun for me, mostly because it had a certain nostalgia only grown-ups can understand. The kids are the heroes, the adults are villains, and they fight for the right to enjoy their youth: candy, playtime, and tree houses all included. I also liked how the characters, who are children, all know and understand the inevitable: they will grow up, and have to stop, and be adults too. So, they go all-out and enjoy their youth for all it's worth. Kinda like how we all have to own up to mortality, and say "yes" to what we have in life today.






In high school, South Park was the cool kids' show. If you knew this, you were cool. Especially at the time when nobody really wanted to be profane and outright crass, and especially depict otherwise adorable-looking children as such. It was really funny then because it was irreverent and wild. Still makes me laugh to this day, but Lord knows I hardly see it around today.




Wait, scratch what I just said. The REAL Cool Kids of high school were into Beavis and Butt-head. Hell, the GRADE SCHOOL kids who got to see this (especially at a time when it was hard to get cable, and MTV Asia didn't carry this show yet) were the cool ones. Why? Know what, just YouTube a clip of them laughing. I don't care about what, just listen. Exposure to this show makes you have fun somehow! It's not drugs, but it comes close. Hell, MTV should just scrap Jersey Shore and do re-runs of this instead. It's more interesting anyway, the butt-monkeys. (And YES, they have new episodes of this. I am delighted.)




You can't talk about smart cartoons without talking about Daria. Starring a recurring character off of Beavis and Butt-head, the show depicts high school life quite well. By "well", I mean with more realism than most high school stories, especially at the time when "Dawson's Creek" was the biggest TV show (and a favorite also, but that's a different story). Biting, acerbic, subversive and witty as hell, this show was incredible. I'd look for the DVD set somewhere.



Oh my God, this show was made of GOLD. Rocko's Modern Life was the precursor to Spongebob Squarepants. Heck, much of Spongebob owes its life to Rocko, as the Rocko team worked on Spongebob later in life. The comedic style stuck too. But what made Rocko better for me was how they were more overt in showing themes NOT FOR KIDS, while still targeting kids! (The episode of Mrs. Bighead trying to seduce Rocko was a particular case that made its way to the newspapers here.) Of course the show pushed the limits, and I liked it that way. Nickelodeon stopped being as adventurous ever since, which is sad.




I think it was the hip-hop hook of the intro that got me. The Boondocks, based on Aaron McGruder's comic strip, strikes a chord for the cause of racial stereotypes. "A black South Park with a bigger brain," I like to think of it, but that's unfair. South Park was never this smart. This is satire at its finest, using racist comedy and crisp Japanese animation to execute a very, very funny show. The insights presented are also very sensitive and clever, but if you're ignorant you'll probably only notice the N-word jokes.




Samurai Jack, I loved too. It didn't have a lot of jokes. It didn't even seem to have a lot of cheer and brightness to its dystopic future setting. It did, however, show a lot about honor, righteousness, and personal strength. Okay, I made that up. It's art is BEAUTIFUL and I love it for it. The action is also rightly intense and at times downright violent. It would be the foundation of the Star Wars: Clone Wars animated shorts produced by Cartoon Network, which also turned into gold. While we always knew how these kinds of shows would end, it was also still awesome how they got told, and lovingly voiced.




Had to post The Rugrats, just to balance Cartoon Network's dominance. (Sorry Nick! Your cartoons aren't as cool.) But sensitivity aside? Rugrats wasn't always about a moral lesson or some big picture that only adults could see. This one I loved because it was 100% pure charm. It's cute, it's clever, and it's adorable. It also had characters you could relate to in surprising ways. Yes, they're babies, but it makes you wonder: if babies were like that, could we be so 'baby-like' ourselves? Rumor has it that even after the "All Grown Up" spinoff, they're making more episodes, and for that I'm happy.





I have gone full-circle maybe. Adventure Time is a kids' show that isn't ashamed of being for kids. It's about a boy and his magical dog in the Land of Ooo. It's also got possibly the BEST WRITING of any comedic cartoon today. It's like the wildest imagination of people is distilled into this show, and rendered in adorable, ridiculous, and incredibly random ways. I mean, where else can the sentence "Rescue Princess Bubblegum and Lady Rainicorn from the Ice King and his evil penguin Gunter with the help of Marceline the Vampire Queen" make sense if not with a child? I grew up loving the cartoons that didn't aim for kids; now I'm an adult and I love Adventure Time. (But YES, the show has jokes no child will understand! Mwahahahaha.)



The old quote was "Growing up is mandatory, growing old is optional," or some such thing. I mean, you can choose to be old. Or you can choose to stay young. Little did I know that choice was made for me, way, way before it presented itself. And yes, I am having more fun today than I did before.

Before I Forget - 11-11-11 Wishing

Wishes are curious things. Why do I say that? Well.

Once, I made a wish. I wished for love. I wished for a love so great and so powerful it’d shake me everyday. A love that would get me up at dawn, make me smile all day, and hold me close all the way through dusk to daybreak.

I never found the girl I’m destined to care for, look after, serve breakfast in bed and take out to magical evenings for the rest of my life. I never “Wow”-ed anybody into pulling me by the scarf and into a fantastic world all our own. I never had the chance to sweep somebody off their feet, in new ways every time.

I never got a somebody. I was too busy learning how to string words together so people could be whipped into emotions of joy, sorrow, excitement and the like. I was caught up clutching a camera, capturing the stuff in our crazy corner of the world.

I found no one because I couldn’t be found. I was in the far corner making friends with people you didn’t notice because they weren’t as cool as you. I was in a church in summer, in makeshift classrooms teaching kids who struggled through school. I was in the mountains discovering indigenous peoples’ culture. I was moving a ball at my feet to teammates for a goal. I was reading, listening to music, watching documentaries, dancing to a different beat.

I needed no one because I was surrounded by great friends. I cried over no one person in particular - I had enough people try to take me down to keep me always on my toes, always a few heart palpitations away from stopping cold.

In the end, my life led me someplace far away where I couldn’t be kept. Something else decided to keep me and make better use of me, in ways that stir my heart everyday.

I wish the same thing every New Year, every birthday, every week, every waking hour: I wish for love. A love that tells me my life can be better. The kind that rights the wrongs in your life, the kind that never makes you hope for less.The kind that sets you ablaze with hope. The kind that kick starts all over again, on days hope is stomped out and doused with cold water. The sort that keeps you up at night, and gets you up early at dawn, for the rest of your days.

Wishes are curious things. And this 11-11-11, on a day we’re all told me make a wish, I wish for nothing more, nothing less.

(And if I had another wish? Maybe somebody to share it with too. That would be perfect.)

current music: If You Ever Come Back - The Script

I wrote this for a friend and fellow Dayzer. It was her goodbye present on her way to Dubai. Never was good at Filipino, but if she wasn't going to hear it in a long while, I had to try, if just for her.


Pabaon Kay Denise

Patawad Denise, patawad. Kilala mo na ako't
hindi mo sana ako ipagkait ng iyong pasensiya,
lalo na't maaring hindi maayos ang daloy ng aking pagsulat
sa isang wikang maaring hindi na umaabot sa iyong mga tenga.

Ngunit isinusulat ko ito para sa iyo.
Dahil darating din, darating din,
darating din ang araw na ika'y iiyak.
Iiyak ka, at iiyak uulit dahil damang-dama mo
kung gaano kalawak at gaanong tindi ang nawala sa iyo
ngayong naglisan ka sa mga islang nagduyan sa iyo
bilang musmos sa sansinukob habang
nag-iikot ka sa ating asul na planeta.
Ngayon, nasa ibang lugar ka,
kung saan ang dagat ay gawa sa buhangin lamang,
at ang mga bagyo ay hindi mula
sa amihan o habagat kung hindi alikabok at alat.

Sa katahimikan ng disiyerto, maiisip mo
na sana marinig mo ulit ang tunong ng Tagalog,
at kahit ang pinakamasarap na pagkain doon -
Falafel, Hareis, Mehalabiya, Shawarma -
ay hindi pa rin tunay na kapalit
sa adobo, liempo, sinigang o tinola.
Mawawala ang mga gig ng Stonefree, at Parokya;
mag-iiba na din ang One More Chance
dahil nasa Dubai ka, at si John Lloyd naman, sa Maynila.

Sana sa mga sandaling ito,
kung minsan nananabik ka, at nababagot na
sa layo mo mula sa iyong iniwang mundo,
matanaw mo lang ang buhangin ng disiyerto.
Pagmasdan kung paano dinadampot ng hangin
ang mga butil ng buhangin, at dinadala kung saan-saan.

Ganoon din ang ating buhay - natatangay at nadadala
at susuot sa pinanggagalingan ng luha,
kung saan naipapamalas ang alaala.
Sa mga gabing iyon, maghanap ka ng salamin,
tumayo ka sa dilim at ilalim ng bituin.
Ipunin sa kamay ang buhangin na tulad ng nasa baybayin ng Pilipinas,
ituyo ang iyong mata at makikita mo
nariyan kami, nariyan,
nariyan lang sa iyong tabi,

sabay narito pa,
at naghihintay sa iyong matamis na pag-uwi.

current music: Heartbeat - Tahiti 80


In my life I have fulfilled the following personal dreams:

1.) Become a Jesuit Volunteer of the Philippines
2.) Taught high school English for a year
3.) Got a job in a really, REALLY cool non-profit!
4.) Finished Metal Gear Solid 4 and God of War 3. Video game story lines FTW!
5.) Watched Up Dharma Down live. (Yes, dream fulfilled!)
6.) Watched Radioactive Sago Project live. (Not a HUGE fan, but I love their music nonetheless).
7.) Get published on an anthology of poetry, even just once (and it felt real nice).
8.) Watched Tahiti 80 live! (now I don't have to go to France to hear them play!)
9.) Done something absolutely reckless for a girl I liked. (and it ended well, as far as the act went)
10.) Fought with my parents over a girl I loved. (and it didn't end well, as all fights with parents go)
11.) Acted in a theatre production
12.) Directed a theatre production (even if it was for a school project)
13.) Visited different places in the Philippines, such as Cagayan de Oro, Davao, Iloilo, Cebu, Bohol, Dapitan and more!
14.) Cooked food for "my family", for a long, long stretch of time!
15.) Gone white-water rafting in Cagayan de Oro! (And it was AWESOME)
16.) Fulfilled somebody else's "I wish I could before I die" wishes.
17.) Got a job writing for a living.
18.) Got a job involving the Internete.
19.) Applied the "useless" lessons I picked up in my education in order to impress girls.
20.) Learned to make a bonfire, for cooking.
21.) Help a friend in the midst of a massive emotional breakdown.
22.) Help somebody in the midst of a massive medical emergency. (and it happened to me twice)
23.) Attend a TED event (in my case, TEDxManila 1!)
24.) Learn basic photography from a friend who is really good at it.
25.) Watch a traditional Talaandig dance. (watched a lot of them, actually)
26.) Watch a movie alone, and be okay with it.
27.) Travel alone, and be okay with it.
28.) Line up at 12 midnight to be the very, very first in line for Ateneo-La Salle basketball tickets.
29.) Experience playing "Rock Band" with a group of friends together.
30.) Discard a bad relationship from my life permanently.
31.) Learned how to let go of somebody who doesn't or won't love you the same way.
32.) Score a goal in football. (futsal and field)
33.) Hit a 3 in basketball to win a (pick-up) game
34.) Learned how to use an Apple computer (and learn to embrace it wholeheartedly)
35.) Get away with being way wasted drunk, and way wasted high.
36.) Became friends with a real-life local celebrity.
37.) Survive a vehicular accident.
38.) Drive from Manila to Tarlac, back and forth, in one day.
39.) Take a motorcycle up a mountain.
40.) Break a foot and come back still being able to play football.
41.) Make somebody's dark day a little brighter.
42.) Watch young children play football in Iloilo. (they're incredible)
43.) Coach basketball to young students
44.) Become an "official photographer" for a village.
45.) Publish a school newspaper
46.) Meet Neil Gaiman.
47.) Get Neil Gaiman to autograph Alan Moore's "Watchmen". (o, saan ka pa?)
48.) Take a girl I liked to ice cream. (pity she already had a guy! tsk!)
49.) Order drive thru in a fast food joint with a date, except on foot.
50.) Dance with the most beautiful girl in my prom.


I'm sleepy, so I'll cut this short. And besides, how many people do you know have fulfilled 50 dreams in their life?

But know what? I realize that only so many of these involve owning a lot of money. They mostly involved a willingness to take a chance.

I hope I have it in me to continue on my next great dream. :)

I am home, it is quiet, and everything I read from my blogs feels like they're ages and ages ago. In truth, I've only last checked up on them about a month ago, and last updated them within the year. Still, it's reflective of who I am now, how much I've changed, and how different my outlook feels.

There's much I no longer recognize. I don't remember the vast emptiness that was when I was heartbroken. The love I had for her hasn't disappeared; merely put aside. The emotions I've had when I read poems, listen to music, or take in film all changed too. I don't have the same kind of urgency here, but at the same time, there's a greater sense of selfless purpose - like I don't want to strive for just myself anymore, but I dream of being a conduit of a greater good.

I don't know where I'm going. I only know I'm being guided like a blind man is led by his son or daughter, like a birthday celebrant is led to his surprise. I only step slowly forward, confident of the anticipated good, yet still nervous of a possible disappointment.

I only regret that while I would have loved to share this journey, I can only do it alone.

Saw this on a friend's LJ. Aliw.



I am the Life Surfer! Who are you?

The Life Surfer

You surf on life, enjoying the best bits. You're curious and like to meet new people, as well as learning about the human mind. You search for new experiences and adventures and love to share them with friends. You're creative and approach challenges in a broad way. Spontaneity and diversity guide your actions, which makes it difficult for you to focus and commit.

• 54%sociable, adventurous, outgoing, energetic
• 50%sympathetic, modest, compliant, forgiving
• 33%efficient, organized, thorough, self-disciplined
• 63%curious, unconventional, imaginative, artistic

current music: Makapiling Ka - Sponge Cola

It has just rained. It is 11 PM. You are probably on your way home, hungry and tired, and frankly, so am I.

It is nights like this when I miss you the most - when I could tell you'd text me or call, looking for company or food or any other kind of small comfort. It's times like these I know somehow you'd seek me out, and I'd feel how you treasured and valued me in ways nobody else does.

Right now I am still waiting for someone to seek me out. But nobody did it like you.

current music: Glee's "Borderline/Open Your Heart" mash-up!


I agree with Sarah Meier: Twitter is BAD for you if you're a writer.

Why? Read the above paragraph. There it is! To paraphrase her, my entire thought is right there, in a short, blue bird friendly line.

So basically, I don't have much to blog about anymore! I tweet way to much, and my life's day-by-day events are chronicled there.

Not everything make it: I am conscious enough to know what other people will read. My Twitter account is linked to my Facebook status, after all, so I try to watch what I have to say.

Incidentally, if you have Twitter, follow me at @heaven_spawn!


===================

Yesterday, (most of) my former UP Law classmates graduated from law. They will take the bar soon.

Yes, I am immensely proud. :)

[And for the nth time, no. I don't want to be a lawyer.]

===================

My current music is awesome.

Never heard? Listen up: here's YouTube.




===================

I am currently at odds with my family.

But I guess, it just means I really, REALLY need time away, and time alone. REAL time alone. I realize I used to have at least 2-4 hours of time alone everyday with my job, with my long commutes to Makati. Now I have to live with pesky family 24/7. I miss having time alone.

So. It is Sunday. Maybe I'll resolve to walk to UP Church instead of taking a jeep. This will buy myself some alone time and accomplish exercise in one swoop.

That is, if these post-drinking session dehydration cramps don't get the better of me. Owwww.

In the E-mail, I got a message that, in so many words, told me:


We are pleased to inform you that you are accepted as a Jesuit Volunteer for Batch 31, Program Year 2010– 2011.



:)

I miss her small, bony, and ever so fragile hands.

I miss her tinny, tiny, squeaky and adorable voice.

I miss her eyes, with a gaze piercing like knives and yet delicate like a caress.

I miss that bright body of hers, and how it shone in the sunset.

I miss her "negative" moods, which I'd tease, much to her anger.

I miss hearing her sing.

I miss making her laugh.

I miss how she laughed at my jokes.

I miss surprising her and making her squeal in delight as a result, every time.

I miss her beautiful family. Every one of them.

I miss her cool friends.

I miss cooking for her.

I miss how she'd sniff her hair.

I miss the smell of her hair.

I miss her hair, always pretty no matter what.

I miss driving her to and from work. I miss driving her home. I miss how she'd hold my hand while I was driving, out of the blue, ever so unexpectedly.

I miss how she asked if I already ate, or how my day went. I miss how she was actually one of only 4 people in my life who care about me to ask.

I miss how she broke rules for me. I miss breaking rules for her.

I miss how close we became, and yet, we never broke boundaries on principle. We never had sex, let alone kissed like lovers do. Not once. And I miss how close to breaking those walls we got sometimes, and how it excited me to see her next time.

I miss her surprise texts, Facebook chats, phone calls and all those just to get me to go with her somewhere out of the blue, no matter how difficult it could be for me. I miss how I'd hear from her 5 out of 7 days in a week.

I miss having somebody to travel with.

I miss having somebody to plan travel with.

I miss how she'd nit-pick every little thing about me.

I miss being motivated, driven, each time she'd comment negatively about me. I felt ever so strong each time, determined to prove her wrong.

I miss fighting with her. Because when we were friends again, it was like a newfound strength to the bond we shared was forged.

I miss hearing her laugh, even with jokes that weren't funny to me.

I miss how she encouraged me to save money. I miss her nagging me to save money.

I miss seeing her face on my Facebook Top Friends. Hell, I miss seeing her on Facebook, and I missed out on copies of pictures on the "dope times" we had. I look at where her face should be on my apps and see a hole, like the hole in my heart right now.

I miss talking to her about everything and nothing at once.

I miss not having to cry when I hear love songs.

I miss singing love songs with her.

I miss going to church with her.

I miss watching American Idol with her. I miss watching TV with her, period, and making popcorn to watch.

I miss how she gave me what I needed, never just what I wanted.

I miss how her perfume would flood my car. I miss how it turned me on for days.

I miss planning a future together, a future we were both skeptical would ever happen, but excited me to make real nevertheless.

I miss helping her out with her thesis.

I miss arguing with her.

I miss her yelling at me, and how I yell back.

I miss seeing how hot she becomes when she's angry.

I miss her warmth when it's cold.

I miss how her small arms had so much strength, that night she held me close.

I miss the beach because of her.

I miss partying with her.

I miss daydreaming about her.

I miss remembering the color yellow meaning more than just another shade, because it was her favorite.

I miss late night food binges in Mister Kebab, or at Bellisimo, or Greens or Taco Bell or KFC. I miss how coffee tasted because of her. I miss collecting stickers for Starbucks and stamps from Gloria Jean's for her.

I miss lining up at 2AM at Araneta Center, or rushing out of the office to get to Blue Eagle Gym, so we could watch UAAP together. I miss scoping out Araneta for tickets to the Cheerdance contest which I couldn't get. I miss buying tickets to BoyzIIMen, amid a throng of PBA fans. I miss knowing she'd love these shows and she did, and I loved them because I was with her.

I miss exercise and running with her.

I miss our walks.

I miss how she got along with my family pretty well. I miss that a lot.

I miss writing her letters.

I miss having her sleep over my place.

I miss serving her breakfast in bed.

I miss shopping for cheese with her, and experimenting with it in my kitchen.

I miss making her iPod play lists. I miss having someone I could talk to about music, and how I'd learn from her.

I miss planning things to do for her, like buying her earphones, or making her a scrapbook.

I miss listening to her rant about boys.

I miss (yes I do) , I miss being jealous about her and the boys who liked her and the boy she loved. I miss the arguments. I miss how tenderly I'd try to apologize, and how harsh she could be when not in the mood to be friends, because it'd make me have to be braver.

I miss how she'd never say no.

I miss how she picked up my lingo, like lines like "sounds like a plan" and "gudjab" and "Whatevs" and "Sooobrang galing". I miss how cute it was, all the time.

I miss helping her find a job, and driving her to interviews and waiting for her to finish.

I miss the bets and debts we never got to keep.

I miss how she made me feel this was inevitable. That we would not be able to avoid it, ever.

I miss preparing her dinner for the evenings she didn't get to eat, and driving them to her so she'd have something to munch on in my car.

I miss how we'd sit quietly and look at each others' eyes, wordlessly, both like and not like how lovers do. It's hard to understand unless you actually do.

I miss feeling her pat my back when I coughed.

I miss our sweldo-day adventures.

I miss holding her hand.

I miss long road trips with her.

I miss how warm she felt when she leaned on me, and how it always made me feel so much stronger than I did that day.

I miss knowing that all my dreams, she'd support me, and wouldn't keep me.

I miss hitching my future plans to hers, of her hopes to leave the country and make a life there. I miss the knowledge I had then, deep down, that it would be worth it.

I miss getting drunk with her.

I miss letting her tell me what to do (which I don't let just anyone do).

I miss how cute she'd be, resisting me from hugging her.

I miss dreaming about her. I miss how those dreams made me wake up every morning feeling refreshed and energized, and not broken and in tears.

I miss feeling like every day our hearts could turn.

I miss how my friends looked at us. Not just at me. Us.

I miss having friends tell me "She's awesome, Raph. I hope you two make this last."

I miss how every little thing seemed to go right when I was with her, and we were on "an adventure". That even the bad things became positives along the way, and how the good things became intensely wonderful, as if by some miracle.

I miss doing random errands for her that I can't remember anymore.

I miss volunteering for causes with her.

I miss the sound of her name.

I miss the softness of her lips on my cheeks when we say goodbye.

I miss praying with her.

I miss praying for her.

I miss telling her I love her.

I miss whispering "I love you" whenever she left, just softly so she wouldn't hear it out loud.

I miss having the right to love her.

I miss her.


And now, I am mute, alone, emptied of everything without her, except my regrets. I walk among the wounded and until things lift, I know no joy.

current music: When She Loved Me - The King's Singers


Nelli, Dearest of all my friends,

I wish I had more than a few hours to really say my goodbyes. Then again, the goodbyes should've happened a whole lot longer ago, when somewhere along the way, I learned you wouldn't ever be the one I would call mine.

Still, at every turn, at every little moment of quiet I remembered you. I recalled your small hands that felt like a keychain of keys that open me, no matter how mad or closed-hearted I was. I would wonder how you'd think or sort through problems if I found myself stuck. I'd see beautiful things in life and wonder how you'd react if I showed them to you.

I say these because these thoughts will have to stay for the time being. You love Mike, with a kind of passion and courage and loyalty that I was ready to give you. There's no way I could tell you to leave him, not for my benefit, but for yours, because I could never be dissuaded to stop looking out for you. (And you know this.)

You and I both have a shot at not just being happy, but at making other people's lives a whole lot brighter. I like to think that this is what Jess wants for you and I. Angels don't own, keep, desire anything after all. And as angels, we both know we must go.

In the course of a year, you've shown me much about what it means to love, to REALLY love. Yes, you say often how sorry you were for trouble. But I wasn't perfect either. I hurt you, made you cry, and kept you from being happy sometimes too. I treated you like I would a girlfriend and I'm sorry if you hated me for it.

And then there are days that are simply magical. Days I'll cherish forever. They light up my dreams like a Bolinao sunset, fill me with music the way that makes roaring basketball crowds sound like a whisper. They touch me more tenderly than the most heartfelt words, such that haven't been thought of yet. And it's all because you, the one I love most, was there with me.

It's almost a year since you crashed into my life. I still feel it like yesterday. It's almost 4 years since we first met. I still haven't forgotten how I went home smiling that night, wondering if I'll ever see you again.

And now, we go, we walk, we fly. I pray my time with you was able to give you something, anything, that leaves a mark in your life as you do in mine, everyday.

And someday, if ever you wonder where I am, or yearn for that love which I've never kept from you, pray. His is a greater love.

And if you ever find me again, the way you did that one magical summer of 2009, know that I'll still remember you, your laugh, your voice, your lovely, angelic eyes. You always were that first angel I prayed for. You'll always be.

Be safe. I love you.

Basta ikaw,
Raph

No, I'm okay, really.

I just miss her.



current music: X'mas Lights - Ang Bandang Shirley

I hate February. I hate hate hate it.

February was invented by the Romans. Its name comes from the festival they held on the 15th, called "Februa". It was meant to be a special time of purification and cleansing, where they burned things and prepared for a new year with the coming spring. At first, they didn't have a January or a February, because they didn't want to count winter. Later on, they decided to count the time to it, and the month was thus made.

It's not ALWAYS miserable - I won an award on a February once. But that's about it.

In my life the past decade, I notice that most of the tumult and disruptions I have lived through found roots on February. That, or the tough, chaotic times of my life happened around this time. My life is just weird around the time winter dies, and the warm air comes back to bother everyone in Manila. Maybe it's me getting grouchier with hotter weather, or if some forces are at work in my life, but somehow I am thrust into spots I don't like on this month.

And it's not always about being bitter on Valentine's Day either. I've gotten sick, and have had painful injuries on February. I've lost a job (resigned from work) on a February. I've flunked exams and gotten my schoolwork crash and burn in failures on February. I had to survive some of the toughest build-ups to a traditional March graduation on February months. I had to be a hero in group projects, be a quiet team player at work, be the villain to get things done when nobody wanted to on months people are too focused on other things. I've lost bets on Hollywood awards season on these months. I watch my beloved Arsenal FC get torched during these months, the months when the optimism that filled me in winter gives way to shocking reality of underachievement. I even parted ways with one of my favorite pets, Dimitri, the adorable Lhasa Apso-Shih Tzu halfbreed, entrusting him to someone else, but effectively giving him (and all my love) away.

I had to watch one of my dreams disappear into vapor on a February. I was once offered a shot at starting a batch for Days with the Lord, and I was asked to be its leader, the Rector. I said yes. And as the ball got rolling I watched people's support for it die, and I never got to be Rector again. It was a dashed dream that stings to this day.

I had to spend one Valentine's Day consoling a crying friend over a heartbreak (yep, it had to fall on my lap). I spent one one year with no plans, and me WISHING and PRAYING that I'd have WORK, just so I had something to do. But no - this is February, when (depending on your life) most people around you won't focus on work because they're sentimental, or they'll focus on it so much, you'll have nothing to preoccupy yourself with, or distract your mind.

Heck, I spent one Valentines Day in JAIL. It was a project I had to do with my law classmates. We had to shoot video and interview people, and BARELY make it back in time for class. We were tired, sleepy, and as soon as I got home I still had to edit the stock footage we took. That's what I did with the evening.

And yes, I've had my heart broken on February. Over and over and over again, I've lost count how many now. It's been broken by more than enough girls, some of whom have broken it multiple times, too. (And no, it's not their fault I get hurt - don't hate them please.) I've seen promise, hope, laughter and joy on the month of Valentine's Day, and every year the past 26 years of my life I've watched it crumble and ebb into the wind. All the effort, hope and care that I put into showing someone special how I feel goes to naught, as the girl finds someone new, or decides I'm not worth keeping, or both, and it just the way it is - I get miserable this time of the year.

What's worse? How about being miserable when everybody else is happy? I mean, right here at home, my parents celebrate their birthdays on the 3rd and the 10th of the month. It segues into Valentine's Day, when the people everywhere I see are loved, and I'm the ostrich with his head in the sand.

For me? This year, if the way the month started is any indication, is no different. I mean, I think it's safe to say I have reason to be unhappy for how my own life has transformed: single, working hard, and still finding myself hungry for more, and not being satisfied never mind others have it so much tougher. I have many friends who don't seek my company. I had to walk away from something special with someone I love so deeply and passionately, just so something better can bloom for them, even if deep down I know the situation really kinda bites for me.

It does not help that I am spending more days home alone, because my family hardly sleeps here at our home-base house anymore. It's as if my life is just... not all together now.

Yet just this afternoon I had conversations with two friends who said they were just so happy. And you could hear it: they were single, busy with life, not looking for a date on Valentine's Day, and just so fulfilled with their families and friends and existence.

It makes me confused and frustrated, being unable to say why I can't be as happy as they are.

It's not always about romantic love. That's not in my immediate control. What sucks is how underappreciated I feel now. If there's any one thing I miss about being someone's better-half-but-not-quite-yet, is how I was missed. How I was sought out. How someone, even just one person, wondered where I was, and made the effort to seek me out and choose to spend another day with me.

It's February and without anybody to share my days with, I feel so alone, useless, and unnecessary. It sucks, and to be honest, it's taking all that I can muster to stay strong all alone.

This will pass. Thankfully, the month also has the least number of days. I just hope something nice comes to my life soon. Or, if some miracle, someone crashes into my life soon. I still fantasize, after all, that I could spend the 14th with someone significant, an innate knowledge that all the frustrating months I've had being miserable on the second month of the year... well, I just want it to be worth it. That'd be enough.

But this year? Hmph.

current music: Come on Home - Everything but the Girl





Hey Nelli,

How are you? Thanks for the planner, by the way. I can't wait to start writing out my year's future plans. It's the GotHeart planner like I asked. I got what I wanted for my birthday, and it came from you, of all people. Thank you.

I turned 26. Christmas and my birthday came, saw, and came again, bringing much joy and laughter and good times shared by all.

My life is good: I am surrounded by good friends, a loving family who believe in me, and am doing a job that pays me well for what I do. I have plans laid out for my future. I am doing the steps to make them real, and while they demand much of my future and will take a lot out of me, I can't wait for them to happen. And if they fall through, I feel confident I can make something nice happen still.

But to be honest, Nelli? I'm still bummed, because I don't have what I want, more than anything in the world.

I want YOU, you who was the answer to the prayers I begged God to grant almost a whole year ago. You were (and still are) my life's shining star, and I'm glad we're friends. I'm glad you met your new angel, never mind that he can give you so much less than what I could (because he makes you smile, after all). It's all good we're making the most of the time we have left before I disappear for a year, and at least you're in good hands until then.

But to be honest?

I want you. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine.

And I want, beg, hope, pray, wish for you to wait for the day I return. And maybe one day we could finish this story that we never quite started.

Because as much as it isn't in my character to say it, I feel it quite keenly: the altruistic, "For you, Lord" sacrifices I make mean nothing if nobody's there to make me happy like you have all this time.

I love you. And I want nothing more than for you to wait for me, and upon my return, hold me and tell me you love me, just as I whisper how I've set you apart, and how I can't wait to build this perfect life you confide in me so much about together.

It's you, Nelli, dearest of all I know. It's you. All that I want is you.

Remain in my love. Wait for me.